Adjusting to Children Leaving Home

An Inevitable Time of Transition

Going through "empty nest" is a stage of life, not a crisis.

It is a normal reaction to feel a loss as your children leave home to explore the world as an independent adult.  For many parents, this happens as a child leaves for college in the fall, for others it happens when the child gets their first full time paycheck or they get married.  It is normal to have mixed emotions…to be both happy and sad at the same time--and perhaps fearful (for your child and/or yourself), angry, exhilirated too!

This is a time of transition—of celebrating your child’s progress to the extent that s/he is ready to go out on their own, and mourning that the time of daily “being together” is over.  It is a time of having more free time than you have had in years, and feeling a little lost without the structure that parenting requires.

Remind yourself that you have already gone through many “letting go's" before…you sent your child off to kindergarten, you've sent your child off for sleepovers or summer camp, you watched your child go off for evenings with their friends without you, you watched them get their freedom with a driver’s license.  You did all of that, and you survived.  You knew that this was a natural part of parenting--the letting go as all you taught your child now gets used as they exercise their independence. You will get through this “letting go” time too.

We give our children 2 important gifts:  roots and wings.  We develop roots in our children with those rituals and  routines of childhood...and they will return to those roots with occasional visits and phone calls.  We also know the value of developing our children's wings, so that they feel comfortable venturing out into the world.  Celebrate that they can want to use their wings—you’ve been getting them ready for this all their lives!

For many, this can be a challenging time of life, as other life stages often coincide with sending your youngest off to college or out of the nest in other ways. The effects of menopause may be occurring in women, and you may feel the pressures of caring for aging parents.  Others may be facing job transition or even retirement issues around this time. These stressors can collide and make this transition feel even more difficult.

Research shows that depression does not increase in women as their last children leave home.  Many find that their lives change in ways which they experience as positive. For many, it is an adjustment as most have spent all or the majority of their adult lives with the most major role in their lives as "parent".  You don't stop being a parent when the last child leaves home, but the daily tasks of parenting are suddenly gone.  This can affect fathers as much as mothers, as men realize too the times that will never be relived, or now regret the opportunities missed with their children. Many fathers are very involved in their children's lives, and having them leave home, leaves a huge hole.

Strategies for Surviving and Thriving the "Empty Nest"

-Aknowledge your sadness. Allow yourself to spend some time mourning the loss of having your child live in your home.  Spend time in your child’s bedroom, if you'd like.  Sit on your child’s bed, and relive some of the memories as you hold her teddy bear that was left behind or put on his old baseball glove. One woman used those first few weeks of loneliness as a time to make a scrapbook of photographs and memories of the child’s years at home as a keepsake.

-Continue to make an effort to make your relationship work for your “now-adult" child—that is, be sensitive to the rhythms of what is going on for your child, and work to respect what s/he needs as a person.  Don’t overwhelm your child with calls or emails that are not welcome by your child.
    Find fun ways of connecting with your child…sending a gift card to a coffee shop, sending a fun e-card, a long distance phone card (make it financially possible for them to phone home!!) or send their favorite cookies out in a care package.
    Be supportive of your child…watch that you don’t have your fears or sadness be imposed on your child.  If your child is frightened and lonely as s/he is away from home for the first time, resist the temptation to go and rescue your child…encourage and provide support, and believe in him/her that she can do it.  Your child may not live with you, but still needs your support as s/he negotiates this new stage in his/her life. Many people normally experience some jitters as they move out for the first time--and requires the support of a nurturing parent to tolerate these fears.
    This may be a time where there is a natural and delightful shift in your relationship, as you move towards conversing as fellow adults.  You won’t be nagging about chores or curfew freeing you up to appreciate each other in new ways. Enjoy this new way of relating to your child.

-Take care of yourself—maybe in ways you didn’t have time for before!  You may have lost your teen in your home, but you’ve gained a bathroom—take a long bubble bath!  Seriously, find friends that are supportive (and maybe also experiencing the same life transition) and spend time with them. Read a book about the topic, or go online to a support group with others experiencing their empty nest.

-Remember back to dreams you once had, but put on “the back shelf” of your mind when you focused your energy on your children.  Use this time to finish off the last couple courses of the degree you put on the back burner 20 years ago.  Learn how to change the oil in your car or take a cake decorating course.  Volunteer at the local pet shelter like you used enjoy doing when you were a teenager.  Make use of the extra hours to rediscover your own passions and interests as a person.

-Use the extra time to fill what probably feels like very-empty-arms and tackle the projects you intended to get to but could never find the time while you were busy with day-to-day parenting.  Clean out the garage, paint the kitchen, or finish knitting the sweater that’s been on the shelf for a few years.  It will feel good to get that done

-Your relationship with your spouse can become more of a focus when there are no children at home.  Children require attention, work and time—drives to activities, helping with homework, cleaning, etc.  You may find yourself suddenly facing your spouse alone at the dinner table and finding it strangely quiet.  This is a time where you can reinvest in your marriage.  If you are single, you may find yourself freer to invest in new relationships.

-If you find yourself having difficulty sleeping or eating, or your sadness seems excessive, or prevents you from carrying out your regular activities after a week or so after your child’s departure, seek professional help by making an appointment to see your family doctor or book a session with a therapist.