- by Carolyn Bergen
Years ago, during grad school, I was flying back to California to study after a visit home. I and the other passengers were sitting in the airplane while it was waiting on the tarmac. As we sat quietly waiting to taxi to the runway, soft wisps of smoke began to emerge from the ventilation system. Very soft and gentle. None of us were moving, and the attendants were at the far end of the plane so there was no drafts to stir up the smoke. so it stayed close to the top of the bulkheads where it was coming out of the circulation vents. It was about 2 or 3 inches thick at first, and gradually increased to about 6 or 7 inches.
Thick grey smoke filling the cabin.
All of us passengers noticed it…and it was somewhat of a curiosity, really. Soft murmurings could be heard, and you could see heads turning into the aisle to ask the person across the way if they also saw it.
Duh…it couldn't be missed.
But nobody was panicking or concerned--or, at least, they didn't appear to be--so I decided I wasn't either. (Actually, I was pretty nervous about it, but I thought if I said or did something, other people would look at me oddly because I was the only one--funny how my first concern was "What will other people think?" even when there WAS SMOKE IN THE AIRPLANE CABIN I WAS SITTING IN SHORTLY BEFORE TAKEOFF--seems ridiculous to write that now)
Nobody else was doing anything, so neither did I. I, like everybody else, just sat there and watched the smoke slowly increase, taking up more space along the bulkhead.
Nobody did anything for what seemed a very long time.
In a slow, calm move that has me chuckle even now, I could slowly see one hand about four or five rows in front of me tentatively rise and push the flight attendant call button.
The flight attendant came to attend to the call and her eyes got pretty big, pretty fast long before she reached that passenger. She moved quickly towards the cockpit.
We were evacuated almost immediately.
As we milled around in the waiting area finding out what would happen immediately afterwards as we were waiting to still somehow get to California, I overheard the pilot in the waiting area of the airport say that when the flight attendant came to tell him about smoke in the cabin, he thought that perhaps an individual was smoking, because he couldn't hear any distress on the part of the passengers.
It was quiet, so it mustn't be a big deal. or so he thought.
When he saw the level of smoke in the cabin, he had trouble believing there wasn't mass panic and freaking out on the part of the passengers.
It hadn't occurred to me to panic…because nobody else had.
I just went along with the crowd. As did everybody else.
Classic example of pluralistic ignorance. We do what everybody else does…because everybody else is doing it…cuz we are all taking our cues from everybody else doing what everybody else is doing. Why do we join others in pluralistic ignorance?
One reason may be that when a situation is unclear then we look to others for clues to define what is happening. We then make decisions based, sometimes incorrectly, on other people’s actions, reactions or lack of action. This is known as pluralistic ignorance – when the group’s majority privately believes one thing and mistakenly assumes that most others believe the opposite. For instance, when we drive past a car accident, we might assume that someone else will call 9-1-1 or stop to help. Pluralistic ignorance occurs frequently and in diverse situations.
It would seem that too many of us have this underlying concern of acting differently than everyone else in the crowd with the almighty question that seems to rule too many of us too much of the time:
- by Carolyn Bergen
I've been on my own for about 10 years now.
I remember the first week I was alone rather like a blur…or maybe rather, I don't really remember it at all. I wasn't sleeping; I had lost weight; I was just putting one foot in front of the other. My friends were supportive and were checking in on me regularly cuz to say I was a bit of a mess is like saying the pope is a little bit Catholic.
However, I do remember one call that week very distinctly. L called me Wednesday of that first week that I was on my own to check in.
I had known L for a long time and she was one of my best friends. I had met her when she was a new single mom, and had walked with her through the adjustments and grief of being a single mom--with all the heartaches that come with trying to parent solo in the middle of one's own loneliness. Now she was walking with me.
It was in the morning…and she reluctantly told me about a date she had had the night before. I pulled it out of her--she was very hesitant to pour her joy over my sorrow and lostness.
But I needed good news. I needed to hear of hope in action. I was desperate to see somebody else's light at a time when I was in my own darkness. So, I made her tell me of this fantastic promising date in the minutest of detail. She was set up by a mutual friend. He was friendly and warm. He had a huge mustache.
L had met Gary…and over the months as I continued to adapt to my singleness, I watched L fall in love with Gary.
Our friends and I were like mother hens. We quizzed her about him. Was he kind? Was he good? Was he good for her? And when we met him, while being friendly, we secretly did what we could to screen him. He had to pass muster with us. L had been hurt before, and we were gonna make sure this guy passed inspection.
He did. With flying colours.
Gary is a gentle soul, made very wise in the school of life. He was a student of life experiences and he had learned much. He's the sort of person who helps people in incredible ways--but only when he thinks no one is looking. He reminded L of her value, and reminded her to slow down to take care of herself. He's so good to so many. He was good for her.
We approved (not that she needed our approval--but don't friends offer their opinions even when they aren't requested?). And they got married. Gary and L have always been a couple of hope for me…with their beauty rising up as my world was crashing.
Gary is Oro de Rey, a concierge jewellry service. He provides personalized service for custom designing jewellery of all kinds--remaking old heirloom brooches into funky modernized pieces. He helps couples design the wedding rings of their dreams, and then he makes it come to life. Gary is a bit of a jewellery magician, really.
I trust Gary. So much so that I gave him my original engagement and wedding ring. I told him that the ring had a history of many good years of a great marriage in it, and I felt it best that they continue to bless another couple in a great marriage. I wanted my rings to find a new and positive reason for existing again.
Both Gary and L relate to all sort of people, including some that have little or no resources. I asked him to give it to a couple who would benefit from a set of engagement/wedding ring but wouldn't be able to afford one. I asked him not to tell me when he did this, and to never give me details of it. I wrote an anonymous note that could be passed on with the rings, inviting the recipient to celebrate her relationship with these rings that had been worn with love for so many years.
And every once in a while, he would tell me, "Carolyn, some day when you meet the Special One…and we are gonna design your ring. That's gonna be some ridiculous kind of fun."
I knew he meant it. I just never knew if it would happen.
It's for real. It's my ring and it tells our story. J got down on one knee and slid it on my finger in the most romantic of moments.
I wanted a beautiful ring--and I think it's incredible.
It's two rings woven into one--one white gold, one yellow gold--like two families, woven into one. Each unique and different--and exquisitely beautiful together.
There are three diamonds on top…our faith is important to us, and so it acknowledges God in the centre of us. He and I together with God on the ring, as in life. It implies a sense of unity and togetherness, mission and purpose.
There are three diamonds on one side, and two on the other…representing his Junior Tribe Members and mine. It's an family engagement/wedding band--we are two families marrying, not just a man and woman. I am committing myself to his children, and he to mine. They are represented as important and critical components in the ring, just as they are in our lives.
To visit Gary in the planning and design of the ring was a dream come true.
To plan my life together with J is an even bigger dream come true.
- by Carolyn Bergen
I'm getting married.
Yep…the marriage therapist is herself entering into the commitment of a lifetime of love. I believe that we are created to bond closely with another. I believe in the power of connection. I have watched and facilitated relationships heal with trust being restored.
I know that research says that those who are married in committed life giving relationships are healthier, react differently to pain, are grounded and therefore are able to take greater risks in other areas of their lives. I believe in marriage. My couple clients have taught me over the years that marriage is life-giving.
But therapists are human…and when we get hurt, we fall into the same fears and patterns that all humans struggle with. And so the thought of a lifetime love for myself was something I longed deeply for, yet was simultaneously terrified of.
I was married once. For years and years to a wonderful man in a wonderful life in a wonderful marriage.
- by Carolyn Bergen
Our office manager, Melanie, loved being a grandma so much, she decided to do it all over again. Ava is the sparkle in her eye, and the screensaver on her phone, and the photo on the wall by her desk. And now,for variety, she had a grandson as variety to her adored granddaughter.
Introducing Melanie's newest grandchild…Beckett.
She's positively smitten.
And why not…he's handsome.
Beckett is a boy who knows himself. And he's not shy to tell it. I respect that in a person.
He knows three things already, very clearly:
- by Carolyn Bergen
I'm a bit of a knowledge geek. Or, maybe, a lot of a knowledge geek.
One of the ways I increase my enjoyment factor when I exercise is to listen to podcasts that teach me things...pretty nerdy, huh? But I like to hear about new and interesting things...it's just quirky interesting learning...and I find I come back to things I've learned on these runs on occasions when I'm sorting things through, or trying to get a handle on a challenging situation.
Learning for the sake of learning...and it's good.
One of the podcasts that rocks it for me is the NPR Ted Radio Hour. I was listening to a program on Unstoppable Learning that stopped me in my tracks. Sugata Mitra spoke of how he learned that children have the ability to teach themselves.
He put computers with English operating systems into a hole in the wall about 3 feet off the ground in various impoverished slums and villages in India leaving no instruction. The children taught themselves English and how to use the computer on their own. He was amazed at how expensive schools and teachers weren't necessary to have children learn--these children learned effectively and spontaneously on their own...but he wanted to push the envelope yet further.
So he set up an impossible question: "Can Tamil speaking children in a South Indian village learn the biotechnology of DNA replication in English from a streetside computer?"
And the answer was, very surprisingly, "yep, some". No teacher. No classroom. No prior English.
But he wanted them to learn a lot, not just a little bit, about the biotechnology of DNA replication. So, he asked a 22 year old accountant that lived nearby who knew nothing about science to help them. She refused, but he insisted her input would make a difference. Her role was to be that of a "granny", looking over their shoulder and saying, simply:
He encourages people to salute learning to enhance it.
Mitra was talking about this with regards to education...saying that it is no longer adaptive to put children on high alert and then test their skills. For me, this goes broader...beyond teaching my students, and on to how we raise our children, and relate to partners and others close to us.
There is evidence from neuroscience that the reptilian part of our brain, that sits in the center part of our brain, when it is threatened, it shuts down…the prefrontal cortex, the part which learns….Punishment and examinations are seen as threats. We take our children and we make them shut their brains down and then we say, “perform”.
Thank you for telling me what you just said. I think it was probably hard for you to tell me and I want you to be glad you did. So, can you give me a day or two to process and then we can talk about this so that we can have a conversation that we both feel good about?
- by Carolyn Bergen
When I was in Grade 2, we moved from a house that I loved and a neighbourhood I felt safe in--I loved my school, enjoyed my school, had great friends down the street, loved the beautiful elm trees arching over the street, and loved playing on the stone steps of the grand church nearby. I didn't want to move…y'know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
I remembered that childhood home fondly, and occasionally shared with friends about how fantastic that home was. Shortly after I graduated from university, I found out that an acquaintance had purchased that very house…and she invited me over for the evening. I was thrilled to be able to visit this beautiful home that I had idealized for almost 2 decades.
Except it wasn't so beautiful. And it wasn't nearly as grand as I remembered it.
And the big beautiful bedroom that I had given up to move into the new home?
I was shocked.
Brian Williams, a respected and trusted broadcaster, was recently suspended for 6 months for breaking the trust of his viewing audience for embellishing a story about the circumstances of being in a helicopter a decade ago. He has told the story recently that his helicopter was shot by a rocket propelled grenade, when the story was originally related as the helicopter in front of his whirlybird that had been hit.
There is concern over how he broke the trust of those who have listened to the news.
That concerns me…and it seems to me that we have to remember that when we point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at us.
Surely, we know that the rest of us have also been accused of remembering things wrong, too, right? How many fishing stories haven't you heard where the fish was thiiiiiis big…and someone else who was there adjusts the hands to be only half as far apart? This just hasn't happened to Brian Williams.
Unfortunately for Brian Williams, being in the press, his stories are all captured and recorded so they can be compared over time.
Why blog about Brian Williams? He's an American broadcaster and most of us don't watch him!
Because we have all been in Brian Williams' shoes at one time or another, and related a memory we have to others as fact, in a way other than how it actually happened if we had a movie camera.
So…I don't have a hot clue about why Brian Williams' story changed over time. None of us do…and so I don't think it's fair for us to judge or criticize. We don't have enough information to be in a position to know.
But I do know why stories are related differently than how they occurred:
That's not wrong. That's just the facts, Jack.
Our memory is malleable over time. Everybody's is.
Folks have spent their lives behind bars with eye witnesses swearing that they were seen at the scene of the crime…and then later it was discovered that with the lighting at the scene at the time of the crime, no one could have seen the shooter's face. No one. The witnesses hadn't intended to lie…but over time, it was suggested that it was a certain young man…and they came to believe it over the years.
I like the way Elizabeth Loftus, a psychologist puts it:
She showed a video of car accident to a buncha people. When the investigators asked, "How fast were the cars going when they hit each other?" the speed reported was lower than when the investigators asked, "How fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other?"
- by Carolyn Bergen
One of the things i love about being at Bergen and Associates is that it isn't just a place where I show up to do therapy with the fabulous people who are clients that I get to work with.
It is more. So. Much. More. (and that already is a ton)
It is also a place where I show up to work with colleagues who inspire me with their own gifts and talents--and they are incredible people who are also great friends. I just simply love them...I like them, to be sure, but I love them too.
Kevin Beauchamp was an intern with us for two years. He and I met regularly for those two years for supervision. I had a chance to watch him develop his skills, to witness his passion for the work, and compassion for his clients. And I had opportunity to watch him work through his own personal stuff too, which is something all of us therapists have to do all the time to ensure that when we work with clients, we don't impose our crap into their work. Kevin was candid and open and vulnerable to do this, working through some challenging and tough stuff...and I hugely admired him for it.
He married Melissa yesterday...which is a celebration of tremendous proportions on so many levels. It was extra fun for me because Melissa was a student of mine as an Occupational Therapy student at the University of Manitoba when I was teaching there. I knew each of them and liked each of them, before they even knew each other. How cool is that!!
Several of us from Bergen and Associates were privileged to attend the wedding. What an honour to be included in those invited to be a part of such an incredible day.
I liked how the minister opened the wedding.
Paul Stanley said something like:
You might think you were invited to be guests today. But you are more than that...much more. You are witnesses to the vows of Melissa and Kevin. And witnesses are sometimes called to bear testimony to what they witnessed.
There may come a day when you are out with the guys, and Kevin says something about Melissa that is unkind. And as a witness of today, I would invite you to remind him of the promises he made to Melissa today to be with her, and to support her.
Because Melissa is human, and we all make mistakes, there will quite possible come a time when Melissa is discouraged and angry with Kevin, and speaks of him in a way that threatens to drive a wedge in between them. And you can bear witness to the vows Melissa made today, and challenge her to reposition herself towards a compassionate and loving posture to Kevin.
As witnesses today, you are seeing that Kevin and Melissa are joined together. Their invitation to you to be here today tells you that they want you to know of this commitment to each other . And your role in their life now includes being a presence that encourages them to honour their vows that you will shortly hear. You are no longer Melissa's friend where you hear her talk about Kevin in a way that could increase the distance. You aren't pals with Kevin in a way that separates him from Melissa.
Your presence here today means that you recognize their desire to grow together, and your witness to that today means that you will help them be a healthy couple…not one that says in 70 years: "Well. we gritted our teeth and made it somehow through that hell" Rather, you will help them to be a couple that will build each other up, support each other and encourage each other…they will be better people because they are married to each other.
- by Carolyn Bergen
So…with the Junior Tribe Member now engaged (Woo hoo--toooo exciting!), the happy couple asked the Mother of the Bride (MOTB) and Mother of the Groom (MOTG)--(that's me!!) to attend the Wonderful Wedding Show last month.
When a mother is expecting, she dreams of the day that baby will find the person of their dreams. What pregnant mother doesn't imagine a grownup child at the wedding? And now it happened. And I was invited to tag along in the dreaming of The Wedding. An honour!!
We made an occasion of it. We met at Stella's on Sherbrook for brunch. The bride was a VIB (Very Important Bride, thank you very much!) and so we arrived early at the Convention Centre.
The Wonderful Wedding Show provides the opportunity for every bride to explore every option for wedding planning, and be able to discover extravagances previously not thought possible.
Rows upon rows of booths of flowers, reception venues, honeymoon destinations, sound systems, DJ's, caterers, chocolate shops, cake shops, stationary designers, wedding favours, chair rentals, gift registries, jewellers, photo booths, photographers, men's formalwear, limo services…
And I could go on.
The four piece string quartet was exquisite. I stood there for a long time listening to them. The food that CanadInns let us sample was delicious--who doesn't like fruit run through a chocolate fountain? And the party limo/bus was a beautiful place to sit and rest for a minute.
But mostly, as the MOTG, I was a sherpa.
Myself, and the MOTB each had a large shopping bag on our shoulder (which increased to one on each shoulder for each of us by the end) and we obediently trailed behind the happy couple, one of us opening our bag after the visit to each booth to have the brochures and info deposited. The bags got heavy.
(That was after the bride put the pre-printed name-and-phone-number label on the contest entry at that booth--brides have been told to come prepared--seriously)
It was a hoot…but a little overwhelming. (scratch that--completely overwhelming!!)
And then we got to the end…and my back was sore, and while it was great fun…I. Was. Done.
…and then I found out we had only done one floor…and there was yet another whole floor awaiting.
Hundreds of booths preparing brides and their grooms and their mothers for the big day of the wedding.
- by Carolyn Bergen
One month ago today, something very important happened in my life.
It's true that it was likely more important in a Junior Tribe Members life…but this is my blog :) and so I'm making this about me. After all, I am now a MOTG (mother of the groom).
It was in summer that he began talking about the proposal around the dinner table. They'd been dating each other since early high school…they have a solid relationship with no drama. She's been a part of our family dinners and occasions for years…now it is time to make it official.
JTM would throw out ideas, and we would toss around possibilities for how to make it special. He was in charge of what would happen…but he made it fun by letting me suggest tweaks. Some he took. Some he didn't.
He got T's input on the ring by casually browsing with her over the spring. She had some ideas…and they evolved and developed over time. He knew what T liked. What she didn't know was that he took her ideas and had the ring of their dreams made. All those years of seeing each other and dreaming and planning suddenly became a concrete expression of love in the ring.
Only trouble for me was that special ring was in the house for almost 3 months before the big reveal. That's a long time to hold such an exciting bit of news quiet. My life as a therapist is holding the confidences of many--I'm a pro at keeping quiet--but when its a JTM and its about the love of his life and the ring is beautiful and I'm excited…well, my well honed steel trap was tested significantly (but prevailed, I proudly say).
Sometimes boys cut corners. A JTM can think he cleaned up supper when the dishes make it from the table just to the counter. The laundry is as good as put away when the laundry basket reaches the bedroom.
Sometimes boys recognizes there are places and times where cutting a single corner just won't do. All stops are pulled out. There is an investment in getting Every. Detail. Perfect.
This proposal was one of those times when he rose to the occasion--he put in a ton of effort and paid attention to each little aspect of the moment when he would ask her to spend the rest of their lives together. He loves her, and the extravagance of the proposal was significant to him to be able to have her know and remember that forever.
Sometimes those JTM's do make a mama's heart fairly burst with pride, joy, love, and a whole buncha other stuff. I mean, seriously…there are days in raising these children where you wonder if they will ever be able to match socks, actually put the laundry into the hamper, or say thank you without being reminded. And then one day, you turn around, and he is spending the fall season dreaming about how to make a moment in time the memory of a lifetime for the love of his life. I'm crazy thrilled about his efforts.
That's awesome (and I don't use that word lightly!)
So…in the weeks before the big day, Engagement Central (aka our living room) the crack in the ceiling was repaired. The entire room was repainted a beautiful soft white. The ceiling and trim and fireplace got a fresh coat too. We went and ordered flowers and purchased candles long before. We made ice candle holders, got an ice bucket ready, and made the lists. He planned his speech, and I made plans with her for a pedicure for the appointed time and day to ensure that T kept her schedule open.
The before we ironed and hung curtains (long overdue to be done--better late than never), removed the furniture, ironed tablecloths, and checked the final lists. He wasn't sleeping from excitement…which was ok, as it gave him hours in the night to practice and refine his speech.
The day of the engagement, I took the day off work..ran errands in the morning getting last minute details done. It was a family day helping one of our own fulfill a dream--that's the best sort of day. And in the afternoon, we picked up the roses. 23 is this couple's number…they started dating on the 23rd, and they often mark special occasions on that day…and now they were getting engaged on the 23rd. So…we trimmed 23 dozen roses and put them in vases. We arranged 23 candles all over Engagement Central. We lit candles in ice holders by the sidewalk, and into the room. We curtained off the rest of the house. We set the table for a romantic dinner for two. He showered put on his suit…and then T said she'd arrive in 10 minutes. The room was beautiful…it was enchanting.
We were hoping for exquisite. It exceeded our expectations. It was magical.
We lit the few last candles and everyone except the future groom tore out of there in 4 minutes. Turns out her 10 was actually 3.75 minutes. We were just getting in the car to leave when T pulled up.
I panicked. And did the first thing that occurred to me. We ducked.
Not my finest moment. Nothing graceful about it. After what seemed forever, she got out of her car and walked past our car, curious about where we had disappeared--but she wasn't suspecting anything.
He cued the music, turned on the camera, and the two of them formalized the commitment for a lifetime together. They have the video…no one is allowed to hear the private moments they shared…but he did share a still photo from that specie moment with me that I now share with you…
I had no idea it would be so great to have a JTM get engaged. I had no idea how wonderful it would be to officially be expecting a daughter.
He put so much energy into the engagement. Now they are officially planning the rest of their lives together. The relationship is wonderful…it has matured from a junior high crush to high school sweethearts to college aged boyfriend-girlfriend to now future husband and wife.
The maturation does not stop now. The relationship doesn't climax with engagement…or marriage for that matter. This relationship, as with all relationships will continue to move…and relationships that don't move forward and develop and deepen..those relationships--well they deteriorate.
I trust them not to do that. I do. But we have talked about the value of good premarital counselling. Deliberate, mindful attention to their relationship.
- by Carolyn Bergen
Yeah, I get that. Living in a state of enormous hurt and pain after someone has hurt you, often with anger and resentment, that's bad enough. But to read on a therapist's blog about forgiveness--because, let's face it, things can look so simple in black and white on a computer--is likely to create more feelings of covered by a layer of shame feeling like you should be able to get past this.
Like you need that, right?
Please don't read this feeling like I think you "should" forgive someone. That somehow its a character flaw if you hadn't forgiven and choose not to, or that you are a failure if you've tried and the feelings of resentment and betrayal and wounding persist.
This is merely an invitation to consider how forgiveness can create internal shifts that give life to the forgiver. It's not easy. Not at all.
I was in first year university the year Candace Derksen went missing. She was a student at the school I had just graduated from a few months before. I would wear my school jacket on the bus and folks on the bus would ask me if I knew her.
She was found, murdered, in the dead of winter in a cold shed. And the whole city grieved.
The evening she was found was recounted in the book, David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell.
Her parents were closing the door after a full evening of visitors, when a stranger came to door, announcing he also was the parent of a murdered child. He came with the mission, "I'm going to tell you this so let you know what lies ahead." He proceeded to go through his notebook, explaining the process of the trials, the bills, the sense of injustice, and his anger. The father of this murdered child couldn't work, his health was poor, and he had a shell of a marriage. Wilma Derksen, Candace's mother, said, "The whole process had destroyed him…He didn't talk about his daughter. It as just this huge absorption with getting justice."
The Derksen's decided that evening to use his words as a warning shot across the bow…"This is what could lie ahead." They chose to process their daughter's death differently.
The next day, when they faced the press after the funeral:
"We would like to know who the person or persons are so we could share, hopefully, a love that seems to be missing in these people's lives." Cliff said.
Wilma went next. "Our main concern was to find Candace. We've found her." She continued, "I can't say at this point I forgive this person," but the stress was on the phrase, "at this point." "We have all done something dreadful in our lives, or have felt the urge to."
(Page 253, David And Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell)
In my mind, I conceptualize forgiveness as "cancelling the debt".
It's a way of simply saying, "I have been wronged, but I'm not gonna hold out hope of payment. I'm gonna consider the debt gone." It's acknowledging that you aren't gonna be able to collect on the debt, and are choosing to not still have it on your books.
Because being wronged matters. It does.
Because being wronged hurts…and the hurt doesn't magically disappear with forgiveness. If you forgive someone who has hurt you--the wound doesn't disappear.
Because forgiveness is not about giving permission for the same behaviour to continue that is so hurtful. In fact, I would suggest that part of forgiveness is ensuring that you won't be further hurt. If you cancel a person's debt to you…to loan money the next day to that person isn't part of forgiveness. I think that's foolishness.
Forgiveness happens best from a place of safety. If you are in an abusive relationship, forgiveness best occurs after the relationship is over. If you are in a healthy relationship where someone messed up (because messing up is a part of every single relationship on earth), the wrong is acknowledged, healed with plans in place to move forward to reduce the likelihood that this wrong will occur again. (but it will, because that's how us humans are.)
When you choose to cancel a debt, that costs a person. When you cancel a financial debt, you are out that money…and that may bring anger back when you realize that you have to make tough choices or go without because that money won't be coming back. Of course that is going to require re-processing. It's gonna be hard. Forgiveness is a cognitive choice first--it's a thought--that can take a long time to sink into a person's soul so that they feel the forgiveness.
Forgiveness may be a part of reconciliation, but they are not the same. Sometimes, forgiveness occurs long after the person who wronged you has left your life. Sometimes, forgiveness occurs but distance is still required to maintain boundaries for healthy living.
But then it would have gotten harder. I think I would have lost Cliff, I think I would have lost my children. In some ways I would be doing to others what he did to Candace.
(P. 261, David and Goliath)
Bystander apathy? We were created to be in connection…then why don't we help others when we are in a crowd?
Take a look at my newest jewelry…the ring I will wear for the rest of my life!
Announcing Carolyn Bergen's engagement. I'm getting hitched!
Introducing Melanie's grandson Beckett…she's getting over there for cuddles as often as she can…but is now back to answering our phones too! :)