Blog ~ A Thoughtful Look at Life

A person is more than their behaviour

May 20, 2013 - 2:13am - by Carolyn Bergen

I spent some time with Deanna Carpentier the other day and we were talking about her work with adolescents. One of her special interests in working with teens...and we've seen a lot of teens flock through our doors to see her.

Deanna doesn't try to be a teen...and just "being herself" works. She connects with those almost-but-not-quite-adults in incredible ways because they see that she's not "trying too hard". She is respectful and listens, and collaborates with the teen as they co-create the goals and the outcome.

Deanna is one of those therapists that leaves the office at the end of the day more energized than when she came in. Seeing clients gets her jazzed...she loves the energy and the discovery of working with clients. Witnessing the courage of clients as they explore issues that have caused deep pain stokes her--it's not like she enjoys seeing her clients in pain...but she loves how they create possibilities to address that pain effectively by letting her in.

Deanna gets to know a person. When folks are in crisis, they can become identified as being "the problem" by being "the rebel", "the drinker", "the overwrought perfectionist", or "the withdrawn, sullen one". Deanna knows that no one thing defines a person...and when the whole person is affirmed, lovely things happen!

Take a peek at Deanna's approach to working with teens:

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The Truth about Guys

May 17, 2013 - 3:30am - by Carolyn Bergen

I've been reading The Power of Why by Amanda Lang lately...an interesting, creative book laced with interesting stories that encourage curiosity, risk taking, adventure and even mistakes as ways of developing the human spirit and furthering human development. One of the stories is follows is Canadian Tire's year long exploration to find out why they were losing market share with men...focus groups, digging into male behaviors in animals, workshops, surveys and the like. Five key insights emerged that would shape advertising for Canadian Tire. "The Coles Notes of it is that..." (p. 49)

Canadian Tire discovered that "a man's romantic relationship is hugely signficant to his sense of well-being" (p. 49). They learned that some of their ads, which portrayed men as clueless airheads that have senseless arguments with their much smarter wives were offensive to men who truly value their families. When they changed their advertising to have men resonate with messages that had them feel good about themselves as they reinforced connection with their families, and having fun with those they love...men responded.

This reminds me of a section in the book, Daring Greatly. I have read this section or sent it to numerous clients, friends, and several groups I've had the privilege to speak to. This section never fails to create a hush in the room. The section is preceded by a woman complaining within a group about how difficult it is to be comfortable sexually with a man when she is self-conscious about her body, concerned that he will judge her.

The young man...slammed his hand down on his desk and shouted, "It's not about the back fat! You're worried about it. We're not. We don't give a sh*t!" The class fell completely quiet. He took a couple of deep breaths and said, "Stop making up all of this stuff about what we're thinking. What we're really thinking is, 'Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough?' That's what we're thinking. When it comes to sex, it feels like our life is on the line, and you're worried about that crap?" 

Brene Brown

Daring Greatly, p. 102

When I read this, there is always a silence for longer than what would be typical in a conversation. The reaction from women is:

• Are you really sure that's what guys are thinking?
• Oh...oh my...oh dear. Well, that changes things then, doesn't it?

There is wide scale skepticism from women that they are not being judged on their bodies, and that the focus of men is on how connected and loved they are. They can't quite believe that at the core of a man is a vulnerable soul that longs to deeply connect. Alternatively, there can be a "light bulb moment" where there is an almost audible shift occurring in the woment's brains as they take in this information and realize the implications of discovering that he is feeling just as vulnerable as she is during those intricate moments of relationship dance prior to sexual intimacy.

Men only have one reaction, when I read or show this to them:

• They let me know that this young man has put something into words that is profoundly true that they have never quite been able to figure out how to put so clearly into words

Sometimes they stay quiet for a while, revelling in being deeply understood. Sometimes they cry a little. Sometimes they nod quietly...in almost a holy way...because this paragraph "gets" them and puts language to something that they feel deeply but have never been able to quite articulate.

It's time to drop the crude stereotypes and see men for who they really are.

So men...let us know...does this ring true for you?

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Hump Day Nudge: "putting it out there" fun

May 15, 2013 - 2:38am - by Carolyn Bergen

These folks know how to have fun!!

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Will I feel better?

May 8, 2013 - 3:15am - by Carolyn Bergen

One of the questions we often get asked when folks inquire about counselling with us is: "Can you make me feel better?"

A fairly obvious and understandable question really, considering that generally, counselling is pursued because of some sort of distress for which relief is desired.

Sabrina has some thoughts on this:

Please know that:

• one of the things we work at before you talk about tough stuff is to know ensure that the processing will be tolerable...it may not be super easy, but we will make sure that the retelling doesn't retraumatize you. If you're gonna be retraumatized in the telling, we'll encourage you to hold off, and we will work on the effects of the tough stuff in your life, rather than the actual painful experiences themselves
• we will help you understand and have some ways to wrap your head around the feelings that surround the memories and the issues you process. We don't believe that it is simply and merely the vomiting out of awful stuff in itself that is transforming. .We believe that when difficult disclosure happens within a certain context,it can be profoundly healing. Sometimes that requires considerable preparation.
• we do help you pull up the stuff that you've conveniently swept away like dust bunnies under a bed. That can feel uncomfortable while at the same time feeling profoundly "right"...to be looking at the situation with full reality and clarity.
• Decisions that have felt confusing and ambiguous can become self evident when the entire situation is seen for what it is. Sometimes it can be difficult to see the forest for the trees, and explaining a situation to another can allow a person to hear their own full story in a new and fresh light as new ears hear it, and ask fresh questions, and provide novel reflection. It may not be comfortable to process, but the reward of the clarity can be remarkable.

Nope, counselling doesn't always provide immediate relief. It can be difficult...but it is our job to ensure it is safe and tolerable.

...and many have found it to be immensely helpful.

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Hump Day Nudge: Furry Love

May 8, 2013 - 3:01am - by Carolyn Bergen

I'm not what most would call a crazy, passionate animal lover. But...

• last night, I followed a three year old around for most of an evening on a beautiful spring day as we gently tiptoed behind a rabbit to see how close he would let us get...up and over and around three different yards, crossing this way and that. A literal rabbit trail we were on!
• then we listened to for the robins and followed them
• then when the toddler and I went for a walk, as we walked by the ditch, we heard the low "ribbit" of a frog...we backed up and stilled ourselves for a long while until he felt comfortable croaking again. It was beautiful, and he played an intricate game of hide and seek with us as we sought to see him
• I got home and my aged, asthmatic cat ambled on over and settled in for a snuggle
• today one of our canine companions bounded into therapy...he clearly enters the therapy room with unbridled enthusiasm, and bounds over to me to greet me. I hate to admit how wonderful it is to receive such an uninhibited greeting of joy

Three of our staff have lost their aged dogs in the last while...and there has been sadness and mourning for each of those dogs. They have remembered and missed them as valued and treasured members of the family.

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Meet Sabrina Friesen

May 4, 2013 - 3:32am - by Carolyn Bergen

I've known Sabrina for years...since around the time she started her Master's in Counselling. I've heard about her papers and her practicums and her arduous adventures of being a counselling student, as an acquaintance already in the field who followed her aspirations with interest. Even before she had all the training, I just had a gut feeling she was going to be one of those naturally gifted therapists

When Sabrina graduated she joined us for an additional internship for a time before transitioning to a full therapist. She works three days per week with us, finding a valuable home-work balance that is good for all.

Sabrina is someone who makes the world a better place by being in it. We laugh, ask about each other's families, and she is genuinely a caring part of the team. She is relaxed and easy-going. She is profoundly grateful for so much in her life, and her pleasure in her work with clients is clear and authentic.

Sabrina is a woman who has been through hell and high water in her life personally, and so when she works with people, she does so with a wisdom born of difficult real life situations...her b*llsh*t meter is pretty sensitive so when she hears something that doesn't ring true, she is probably right, and she has the chutzpah to bring just about anything up. What's remarkable though, is how she calls people on what's going on in their life in this genuinely caring way. 

She understands the pain of folks when they are not being who they were fully created to be, and not fully enjoying the relationships and connections they were created to enjoy...and so when she sees barriers that interfere with that, she brings things up in ways that have them be genuinely grateful that she has such courageous wisdom. 

And Sabrina finds gentle humour in many situations and people find themselves laughing with her, even in the middle of some serious crap...not at themselves, but with each other in ways that bring alive the vitality of connecting with another human being at a deep level.

If you are interested in working with Sabrina please call our office at 204 275 1045 or contact us via email

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Hump Day Nudge: Sacrificial Kindness

May 1, 2013 - 12:43pm - by Carolyn Bergen

I read this story yesterday about Cameron Lyle, a shotputter in his last year of college. A week ago, he chose to spend a couple of days in the hospital to help save a life of a stranger he will never meet.

To do so, he had to give up the highlight track meets of his athletic career.

He called it a "no-brainer"

He is being called a hero, but says he never thought twice about it, and maintains anyone else would have done the same.

Don't we all just need a boost of human generosity at a sacrifical level to keep us going? It reminds us of the tremendous good will of the human spirit. In the middle of a busy week, where it can seem that a lot more is going wrong than right--it reminds us that there are kind people in the world. People who are kind for no other reason than it is the right thing to do.

In the middle of a busy week, I was warmed by Cameron's story.

Happy hump day!

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A grumpy blessing

April 30, 2013 - 12:59am - by Carolyn Bergen

I've been grumpy about something all month. I'm not proud of that, but it's the truth.

I said "yes" to a bunch of speaking opportunities in April...a couple of workshops, a retreat and a teaching time at a church. They are all connected to the work I do in helping folks improve the connections that create the relationships in their lives...but they are still work to prep. And that's amidst and between the regular job of therapy, teaching, and being a family member of one hopping household.

So...I was not happy when the blue "Official Campaign" of the Canadian Cancer Society folder showed up between my doors. Evidently I must have said yes to helping them out with canvassing for donations in my neighborhood some months ago. I don't remember agreeing to do it...but it's not unlike me to agree to such a request, and it's unlikely they just would have randomly picked my doorway to stick the blue folder in, so I realized that I'd just gotten one more task for the month of April.

I say I don't remember agreeing to do it, but I do have a belief that we all need to do our part, and when people ask us to do our part, we better have a pretty good reason that we can't do it. So when I get asked to volunteer an hour or two walking around my neighborhood, what wouldn't I say yes...I mean, I like to be outside,it's a good chance to mix with the neighbourhood, and it's helping a valuable organization that helps people. And given how much screen time I, as a standard average North American have, to say I don't have an hour or two to help an organization that saves lives seems a little sketchy. So, I'm guessing I would have said yes...tho it would have been helpful to remember I said yes because that might have helped my grumpy factor some. I felt ambushed.

And April is already bad enough because it is Income Tax Season. I hate paperwork. I hate collecting it. I hate organizing it. I hate making sure it's all there. I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing and that I must be missing something.

And April 2013 has been the coldest April on record. The last of the snowbanks has not yet left our yard. Serious. We've shovelled twice in April. It's been nasty.

And I'm supposed to canvass for cancer in the middle of a stressful cold season. I was not, you might say, a happy camper. Not at all. The blue folder haunted me from a prominent place on the shelf all month long.

So...today I got my butt outdoors to get the canvassing done, before I ran out of month. I was tired, not feeling well, and not happy about the cold and wet weather that greeted me. To be clear, I believe in the importance of each one of us doing our part to be a part of the community in positive ways, it doesn't mean I like doing it. I'm an introvert, and knocking on doors interrupting people's evenings is not my idea of a good time. It's not on my top 1000 things to do. And throw in the fact that I live in a neighborhood that has many houses have these little sunrooms in the front...some of them are a part of the inside of the house and so you knock on the outside of them. Others have their little rooms basically be the outside porch and so one is to go into the little room to knock on the house door. And most of these rooms are ambigous looking enough that I have to contemplate whether that little space is "inside" or "outside" space at each household. Sigh. I was so not cut out to do this civic duty.

I was not happy I agreed to do this...and still wondering if I actually agreed to do this.

But:

Grace knocked me over

• The next door neighbour. She's a single mom of two elementary school aged kids. I see them trudging to the bus all winter long early in the morning. Her daughter had cancer surgery two weeks ago to remove a tumour from her lung. They haven't got back the report on the tumour so they don't even know for sure what the scoop is. She gave more money than I suspect she can afford. She's grateful for the incredible care her daughter received to so efficiently and effectively remove the tumour and she was clearly excited to give back.
• The elderly gentleman down the street who sighed impatiently when I asked for a donation like I clearly didn't know his position in life and had no idea how hard it was for him. He muttered something to that effect that things were so tight...he said, a little more clearly that usually he can only afford to give to one organization, and that was Siloam Mission. I actually told him I was just asking him because he was on my assigned list, and he shouldn't feel obligated to give, and I could just leave right away, and I didn't mean anything by asking him, really. He asked me to stay and he rustled up $5. I got the sense that it meant something else wouldn't happen because this money was now spent.
• Another elderly gentleman, in broken English, told me, "I gif three times a year already to the Cancer. My vife, she died of the cancer, and I like to gif to them, but I gif already. But I thank you for doing this. You do important work." (I was hoping he couldn't see into me, and my less-than-charitible attitude)
• Yes another man...I snaked my way up the wheelchair ramp to his door. I saw all the signs about asking for patience before the door would be answered. And the health aide answered the door while the man in the power wheelchair haltingly turned his chair around. He was just getting his dinner set up. He was articulate and clever and funny. He had almost no control over any physical function. I asked him if he wanted to donate. He said he was in the midst of moving. I asked when...and he said...now, right after supper...after 13 years here in this house. I looked around and saw boxes and piles everywhere. His aide followed his instructions to pull out a bill from a concealed compartment on his wheelchair tray. He donated to help another.

The last one was enough to convict me, piled up on all the others. Someday, if I am confined to a wheelchair,not even able to propel it myself, and I am in the middle of moving from one home to another, highly dependent on others for the most basic tasks of my own care--preoccupied and vulnerable and needing help and exhausted--someday, if I'm in that position, I hope I'm also able to reach outside myself and touch the life of another. 

• To encourage a weary and timid canvasser
  
• To contribute to a battle that challenges the human race
• To be a part of the greater good
• To choose to look beyond oneself, and to help another

That gentleman taught me today...we can ALWAYS help another less unfortunate. 

It's the right thing to do, and our world becomes a gentler place when we realize that we have the ability to help others. 

When we exercise the privilege of doing the right thing, we get a front row seat to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, something that will help others. And in helping others, we help ourselves. When we help each other, we enrich the lives of others, and we ourselves become enriched.

Lesson learned, world. Lesson learned.

I'm not so grumpy anymore. :) 

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A Thought

April 27, 2013 - 12:39pm - by Carolyn Bergen

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Hump Day Nudge: Laughter

April 24, 2013 - 12:41pm - by Carolyn Bergen

Melanie and I watched this video yesterday and we viscerally felt her fear at the beginning of the video...I almost turned it off because its not fun for me to watch someone be so scared. But then they start to enjoy the ride...and did we ever enjoy them enjoying it!

Find someone to enjoy this with today? Laughter is best done in community!

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