- by Carolyn Bergen
One of my favourite things that happens in therapy is this:
I love those times when folks come in and give the other credit for the shifts towards warmth and connection in their relationship.
A couple comes in for an initial session. There is tension between them. They are fighting. They have forgotten how to be friends…they have forgotten they are friends. They begin with the complaints…He works too hard. She complains too much. yada yada
As the session progresses, we continue talking…and I'll ask them what they are looking for in counselling. And one of them will develop a far off look and want the way it used to be…when they were friends, and laughed, and were supportive, and had each others back, and gave each other the benefit of the doubt.
And I'll ask more about that. And they'll tell me about how they have been with each other in better days…and they will recall the friendship, and the support. And they tell me, in any one of a 1000 different ways of the story of love in their lives. And it might have laughter, or tears, or be a little crusty around the edges, but we take a look at "the big picture"
And then I'll tell them that I can work with them on this. That it doesn't have to be this way. That I want to work with them on this, and we will work to get them to where they want to be.
Next, he comes in…and he tells me things are much better between them…and he's not actually sure why, but she sure is a lot easier to get along with. She's softer and kinder and he so appreciates the way she has been with him…it makes it warmer at home and he's relaxing.
Next, she comes in…and she tells me that something happened to him after the first session--not exactly sure what, but he's more patient, and he's tried harder to let her know what's happening…and the way he has changed makes her feel different in the relationship.
- by Carolyn Bergen
I love when art imitates life. I love watching a 16 year old girl say its her dream to sing, and as she starts singing, "Don't rain on my parade"…guess what…Simon Cowell rains on her parade. He pours monsoons over it, drenching her parade soaking wet.
And I love how she lives her song.
She's got gumption, audacity, chutzpah, and piss-n-vinegar and then some…cuz she's got game…and she gives'er better than ever.
No way Simon Cowell is gonna rain on her parade.
Jodi Bird triumphs--big time.
And the little guy shows that the big guy doesn't win.
Sigh…don't we all need to be inspired a little?
I LOVE this video:
- by Carolyn Bergen
Join me in a little experiment?
Get comfortable. Shake out your arms and legs. Take a couple of deep breaths. Check to see if your shoulders are relaxed. Breath in and out again slowly.
And spend a long minute simply noticing this picture, and also notice what you notice about this picture:
What did you find your eye drawn towards? Leave a note in the comments below…it would be interesting to hear what you each saw when you looked at this picture.
Did you look just at the fruit? Or the plate? Did you notice the way the lights and shadows highlight? Did you see the glistening on the fruit? Did you notice the bright contrast of the green stem? Did you imagine the flavour? Imagine feeling the texture of the strawberry's flesh in your mouth?
After spending a single minute in the middle of a busy day or evening, now notice how your body feels. Monitor the effect of this simple and brief exercise
Many find that when you simply focus on a simple object, life slows down. You notice the pleasure of just noticing the strawberry. It's really beautiful, isn't it? When is the last time you admired a strawberry? When was the last time you slowed down to simply admire the simple beauty of anything?
This, in a very basic form, is an example of mindfulness.
Christopher Bergland says that a kickstart to mindfulness is simply this:
A few things about mindfulness:
It is a calming…a quieting of the "noise" that we all have in our heads to be able to focus on the immediate experience. This allows for a greater ability to recognize what is happening within our awareness of the present moment.
Like…feel your left foot in your sock right now. Notice the surface and feel of the seat underneath your butt. The ability to be aware opens up possibilities to see things that otherwise might not be noticed.
What is happening is neither right nor wrong. It just is. It may not last, or it may. It is allowing what is, to simply be, without wishing it away.
It allows space for what exists, to simply exist.
Curiosity is simply exploring, wanting to notice.
Curiosity pays attention.
Curiosity wants to notice for the sake of noticing.
For those of you who are interested in what a mindfulness practice could look like (and believe me, volumes have been written about this--and it can range from full on meditation practice to deliberately slowing down to check in oneself periodically) take a peek at one possibility by a well respected authority on the subject:
- by Carolyn Bergen
This weekend is Thanksgiving. In a couple of months will be Christmas. Several months after that will be Easter, then Mother's Day, Father's Day, and July Long Weekend…all of these occasions for times with family.
The week running up to Thanksgiving can be a preoccupied one at a counselling centre. And the week after it, is definitely affected as well.
1. People often put unfair value into hosting family gatherings. The very act of hosting the big dinner is unconsciously turned into a measuring stick of how important one's family is.
Hosts put a lot of pressure into the "perfect gathering" where everything is perfectly cooked, there are multiple salads, and everyone gets their favourite pie. The decorations are specially made, and the centrepieces are planned ahead of time.
It's like there is a belief that one's love is measured by Martha Stewart-esque perfection and intensive labor.
And the whole thing is no dang fun…just a pile of stress.
And there is little joy in the hosting…and sparse little time for actual lovin'--the laughter, the sharing, the casual conversation…the joy of simple connection.
2. Hosts who invite and encourage help host gatherings that are often more fun.
If someone offers to bring something--say YES! Have a mental list of side dishes or desserts that can make your life easier so when people offer, you know what to say. When people stand up at the end of the meal to help carry dishes into the kitchen to load the dishwasher--say THANX!
Quite frankly, I love it when people accept my offer to bring something. I feel useful. When I'm only making one dish, it gives me a chance to google a new recipe and fuss a little. It's nice to know that there is one less thing for the host to do. And it increases the sense of community when those who can, are able to contribute something.
When I grew up, and we were at my Oma and Opa's house, there was a monstrous crew at the table with all the children and grandchildren--a tiny house and no dishwasher. Cleanup was part of the fun of the evening. It wasn't something that we tolerated to get to the fun…it was part of the fun. The dishes were washed in the kitchen sink and the pots and pans were washed by a second crew in the laundry sink.
Get over making it "perfect", and welcome friendly and casual chaos that has people feeling welcome and comfortable to be their own imperfect selves.
1. In 2014, family gatherings can be a huge hassle and no-win situations, with competing and overlapping invitations. A couple may both have divorced parents with separate homes, and their children may have non-custodial parents. There are times when there isn't time to accept all the invitations. There is no making everybody happy.
Without making tough choices, a person could rush from one huge turkey meal to the next, and still feel like they are disappointing a parent, a step parent, an ex-partner…dragging around exhausted and frazzled children who hate the whole thing.
Give yourself permission to develop a realistic and quality schedule that works for all those involved…yourself and your kids included. Alternate occasions…skip some expressing regrets and the reason behind the choice. Don't expect everyone to understand all the time. Sometimes even those who do understand will be disappointed. That's OK. Disappointment is part of life and it doesn't kill anyone, and its a sign that you are wanted.
Develop a sustainable rhythm early on…create space for new traditions. Having Thanksgiving time with one family either one week early or late may make it a more special experience and something that can be cheerfully anticipated.
2. Doesn't matter how old you are, when you sit down at your mama's table, there is a tendency to feel like a 12 year old.
You know what I'm talking about, huh?
Old insecurities, petty jealousies, sibling rivalries suddenly come out of no where and hijack your normally sane and mature mind. Seeing siblings around the table can bring up feelings we forgot existed.
A person can find themselves experiencing all sorts of things that one hasn't felt or thought about for years…and then acting in a manner that is more consistent with being an adolescent than a fully grown adult.
Expect it. Plan for it. Plan things to remember that you might want to gently remind yourself: "When he pokes at me, it makes sense to respond like I did 20 years ago, but I'll be OK. I'm a grown man/woman and I may not be perfect, but I am much more than this poke".
3. Alcohol is an unfortunate and big part of most of these gatherings.
Lemme just be really crass about a very real truthful equation:
Quite simply: you can't unring the bell, people.
The Tuesday after a long weekend where there are family gatherings generally have a few messages on the answering machine from folks who have experienced the trauma of a family gathering gone wrong. And generally, there was alcohol involved in the downward spiral.
Alcohol loosens tongues. People say things that shouldn't be said, or in manners and times they shouldn't be said. People say things that aren't true…but those things aren't forgotten.
4. Family gatherings challenge alliances.
I'm not just saying this cuz I'm writing this with Survivor playing on the television in the next room…alliances are huge at family gatherings.
It's painful for a wife to go to her in-laws for Thanksgiving and watch her husband be more loyal to his parents than to her:
Another part of the alliance is supporting your partner…sure, you didn't grow up with his parents, and maybe his dad has bad breath and tells bad jokes…but it's his dad. Going to a family gathering is an act of love.
Does your partner know you have his/her back at the family gathering this weekend?
Family gatherings at Thanksgiving (and other times of the year, for that matter) are a complicated tricky business. They can be painful, triggering, and a ton of energy. The can be tricky to schedule and navigate. They can be exhausting at multiple levels…and can feel like a minefield for new wounds or the reinjury of old ones.
They can also be times of laughter and reconnection, increasing the strength of the ties that bind family to one another. Stories are re-told, and there can be collective sadness and joy at the memories that are reminisced. Family gatherings increase the glue that connects people…there is benefit from that strength in difficult times ahead. Favorite foods shared remind those around the table of common roots in ways that strengthen the soul.
- by Carolyn Bergen
My favourite number is 2.
It has been for a while. One Junior Tribe Member (JTM) has worn 2 on his jersey for quite some time…and another wears 11 (which added up, equals that).
But now "TWO" is really and truly my favoritest number, forever and ever.
Its because of this pint sized little hockey player in the video below. Now, many of you won't take the time to watch the full two minutes and forty five seconds of this video, because in this day that is too long to watch such a slow moving video.
But the slow movement is the truest, awesomest beauty of it.
The puck is on the blue line…a pro player can get it to the net in a second. Even a mediocre hockey player would take 5-10 seconds.
It takes the littlest guy a full two and half minutes to get from the blue line to the goal…and Number 2 is with him the whoooooole long dang time of it.
Number 2 doesn't give up, doesn't take over…Twoster hangs in there, steadily encouraging, helping, shielding, running interference for, and generally just plain ol' persisting to help the little guy reach his goal. HIs patience is something I long to emulate.
Being there for someone else isn't easy. Sometimes its a thankless job, because truthfully…the best helpers disappear into the background so when the goal is achieved, the one being helped can celebrate the victory
(cue up "arms raised over head" in the last few seconds of the vid--doesn't every pint sized hockey player dream of raising his/her hands after a goal?)
My favourite little twoster understands the value of buffering a bit…letting the other person concentrate and do something at their own pace. He sees that sometimes you have to hold people off or get in their way so that the process can continue its own painfully slow natural course to accomplishment. He knows that given enough time, the goal will be reached and so sometimes, the hardest part of helping is just hanging in there, not taking over, letting it all happen.
I know that it won't work for all of you, dear readers, to watch it to the end…but if you can create the time, please do so. It had me in tears watching the whole relatively-painful-to-watch sooo-slow eeeeking towards the goal at slower-than-a-snail's pace. But along the way, Twoster taught me some lessons about helping in ways that have challenged and changed me in good ways.
The beauty is in the slowness…take a breather, be mindful, slow down, and watch what a difference careful helping makes.
Being a number 2 can make such a difference in someone else's life.
- by Carolyn Bergen
Trust is an emotion--a distinctly human feeling.
And normally business likes to think it runs on facts, and we think that feelings don't belong. People who "deliver" regularly--who do everything they promise they are going to do--they are reliable…it doesn't mean people will trust you. You know…you have a good long term friend who messes up…yet you still trust him/her right? It's because s/he and you have a common belief system, a history, and a set of values…we become more confident to take risks and explore…because we trust them, we know they have our backs.
Leadership will tell a person what to do. And it might work, but leadership in and of itself isn't trustworthy. When a person in leadership has the trust of those they lead…then they have authentic authority.
Authority and leadership…so not the same thing. Trust is the difference.
Simon Sinek tells this story:
Imagine you want to go out on a date, but need a babysitter for the evening. You have two choices…you can get a 16 year old girl from down the street that you have known for years with very little babysitting experience…or a 32 year old who has 10 years experience. Who would you choose?
Yeah, I'd pick the young girl from my community too.
We'd rather have people that we have multiple points of connection with than well qualified people who we don't know what they believe and what their values are and where they come from.
The emotion of trust develops in a "high touch" and high frequency sort of way. We need confidence and frequency to develop trust…trust happens in drops, and fills the trust bucket gradually.
Picture this…you have a positive interaction with another person--it's like a little string. A single string isn't very strong and could break easily. You have a thousand small interactions with that person…little moments of connection. A thousand strings…well, that forms a net.
A net can hold a lot more weight…and with that level of trust, weightier stories can be shared.
We all long to be known…we want to tell our stories and be heard…but the strength of the bond between us needs to be able to hold the weight of the stories.
There's a few things I know about the strings that hold trust:
It's hard to develop trust online. We have these "mirror neurons" in our brain…you know that reflex to yawn when others yawn? On MRI's, the parts of our brain that have us smile light up when we see others smile…we connect and build trust when we are with another person in a way we can't when things are done online.
Trust is about human interaction and real conversations.
When we are in face to face something extra happens that can't happen online. When two people "shake" on a deal, it means something more than if they just agree to it verbally. That physical act of shaking hands and looking each other in the eye seals the deal.
The net that develops that holds the weight of major trust develop in the smallest of moments, with small strings and little threads gradually building strength.
The net that develops with thousands of small threads can be destroyed in an instant.
Picture this: You take a child for walks regularly…and they meet dogs along the way. The child who meets dogs that are the same size, and sniff and lick or held on a leash by the owner. Then one day a dog pulls the leash away from the owner's hand and bounds up to the child, knocking the child over. The dog snarls and bites the child.
The next day, the child refuses to go for a walk at all…so as not to encounter any dogs at all. The child now doesn't trust any dogs…because despite many friendly dogs, one really bad encounter with one nasty one sours the species.
Trust is like that.
Disengagement is the most subtle way to break trust. It's sinister and subversive. To pretend to "be there" and be trustworthy, but to be preoccupied and not be following through…and then to deny it when it's raised. That erodes the net slowly over time in difficult and painful ways.
(This video has some great ideas…the middle is a little boggy…but the first and last 5 minutes are really helpful to our discussion)
- by Carolyn Bergen
Sigh…so many of the things I talk about with people in my day boil down to a simple, but terrifying doubt around the issue of "Am I enough?"
The question comes out in various ways: "Am I pretty enough?", "Will people like me?", "Have I done enough to impress them?", "What will people think of me?".
And, in fear of the answers, we answer for them…in ways which are safe but disparaging…and heart wrenching. We decide for other people how badly they think of us. And we don't truly allow ourselves to be seen and loved for who we are. We just know that "I am ugly", "no one really likes me", "I'm not special".
But often those who love us can seen beyond that, behind the crappy way we feel about ourselves, and see our true beauty…and if we are caught by surprise, we can be blown away by the beauty others see in us.
The people that see you--truly and deeply see you--they see your beauty and how you show love, respect and affection. It matters to them…sometimes they might forget to tell you, but it does. It matters.
Just like this...
"You are beautiful, not just on the outside, but you are so much on the inside. A moment does not go by that people don't see that."
- by Carolyn Bergen
We are wired for connection…
Yeah, I know...you've read that a time or two on this blog, right?
What it means is that we are social creatures, wired to want to belong. We feel better when we have people surrounding us…and it is helpful to split up chores and responsibilities, to band together against the dangers of this world, to keep each other warm, and to stick together to establish safety for the little ones we seek to raise to adulthood.
What it means is that we work to create community--to influence others and be influenced together. When we think together, we become a team. Becoming a team can make the difference between eating lunch and being lunch:
I love watching videos that show flocks of birds…somehow, these birds, which Winnie the Pooh always said were "of very little brain" could move in synchrony with each other in ways that Blow. My. Mind.
How do they do that? How do they work together so fluidly and incredibly?
They influence each other.
Humans may be a lot worse at flying, and a little more sophisticated in differentiating their behaviour, but we influence others.
In 2007, I took a course where I had to critique research articles. One of the articles was: The Spread of Obesity in a Large Social Network over 43 years in The New England Journal of Medicine The study looked in a complex 3 dimensional way at the relationships up to three connections of over 12000 people over 32 years. Now, 7 years later, when Dahlia Kurtz at CJOB 680 asked me about this topic, I remembered this article because the significance of it stuck with me.
We interpret the actions of the people around us. When we see people acting indifferently to a task, we know that they are expressing a lack of interest in that task. That lack of interest is then related to our existing commitment to a goal. When we are wavering in our commitment to a goal, then seeing others who are apathetic nudges us in the direction of giving up. When we are highly committed to a goal, then seeing others who are apathetic actually increases our commitment.
What researchers found was that a person's chances of becoming obese increased by 57% if he or she had a friend who became obese in a given interval. If one spouse became obese, the likelihood that the other spouse would become obese increased by 37%. These effects were seen when folks were in significant relationships with others…the effect wasn't among neighbours who merely leaved nearby each other.
Friends of the same gender had greater influence on each other with regard to Body Mass Index than opposite sex friends…makes sense, right? We live a lot of our social (read: eating) lives with our buddies of the same gender.
What this seemed to be about is something like this: if you are at work and finish your lunch in the lunchroom with 20 minutes left in the break, and you hang out with people with poor eating habits, then y'all may decide to head down to the candy machine and have some dessert. If a new staff person starts, and s/he's a triathlete, after you watch him/her munch on their yogurt and veggies and hummus, you may get invited for a brisk walk outside. After several weeks of those noon walks, you may find yourself also changing what you bring for lunch.
I have coffee weekly with a friend of mine…and months ago, she got a wrist band that measured her steps everyday. She talked with me about it over the months…and a few times, we walked during our coffee time so she could get her steps count up. Getting in enough steps everyday became a natural part of her conversation. She never told me to get a wrist band…I just saw how good it was for her to have one.
In June, I got a wrist band as well.
My daily step count has tripled in the last 3 months…because of who I hang out with--M has been a marvellous influence on me. I'm fitter, lost a few pounds, and find myself eating better.
Years ago, I worked in a health care institution. It had a large department that I worked in. Morale was low. People complained. A lot. Management was labelled as incompetent. The government was criticized for not understanding health care. We didn't have enough resources.
One or two elections past, I was busy during an election. One Junior Tribe Member had a practice at one end of the city, the other a game at the other end. I had messages to return, emails to write, notes to scribe, and milk to pick up…I could go on. I was tempted to skip the voting…after all, I have only one vote amongst a whole city's votes. In my list of tasks, it didn't seem all that important. A colleague overheard me, and sternly (and correctly) stated: "Carolyn, there are people literally dying in parts of the world to have their voice heard in determining the future of their city. They have given up so much in the fight to have influence. Many parts of this world, women are counted as having an opinion. You have a vote handed to you…how can you not exercise your right to vote?"
Gulp. Right between the eyes. She. Was. Right.
I found time to vote that day. I will always find time to vote. For as long as I live, I will vote every chance I get to honour the lives lost in the struggle to be able to have a vote.
I have that opinion because of L. She influenced me.
What that means is making choices about what groups to hang around, and being thoughtful about what sort of influence you have in shaping the atmosphere that others are in…because others will conform to the standards that you participate in creating.Bottom line: How does a fish know its in water if that's all it knows? It's really hard. We can absorb the influence of others in our surroundings for good or bad without even realizing that it could be any other way.Mindfulness is critical. When everybody else is complaining about their spouse at the gathering of friends, and you join in to be part of the crowd (because we are hardwired for connection, right?)…you leave with a grumpy feeling towards all that isn't right with your partner. When you go to a different gathering, and you hear people challenging themselves on how to better connect with their partner--well, you go home with a different headspace.
- by Carolyn Bergen
I have a deep respect for the energetic wisdom of Apollos Hester. I realize this will date me, but as I watched this man, I kept thinking…"Out of the mouths of babes…" He's hardly a toddler, but his words seem well beyond his years, even as a young adult.
He's clearly excited after a come-from-behind win. His excitement and vigour for life are rather infectious…and sometimes, the clarity of youth can speak to all of us.
He understand the value of team. He recognizes we belong to each other…and that we are wired for connection. Apollos knows that people do better when other people are around.
This is a nudge to get through your day today. Aren't nudges like this, just what we need sometimes?
- by Sabrina Friesen
This might be an understatement.
I’m quite certain that all of my college papers were written between the hours of 11:00pm and 1:00am, and that I never really engaged meaningfully in class until after 9am and a few cups of coffee. Many years later, and in spite of parenting a couple roosters/children, some things don’t change. After a lazy summer schedule that didn’t beg the alarm to be set I have found the cooler, darker mornings of the structured school year to make it extra hard to get out of bed. And so in an attempt to combat my reluctance I have started to set the coffee maker the night before, hoping the smell of a fresh pot of dark roast would lure me out of bed.
But my most genius plan yet was hatched just this week; I call it Operation: Breakfast. With two young kids who are up at the crack of dawn, there are often shuffling feet beside my bed long before I’m ready to get up asking in way-too-alert voices, ‘Can you get me breakfast?’ [insert sigh, and maybe a groan, and a wish for a two hour nap to top off my too-short night of sleep].
I can admit I am not always proud of how grumpy and rude I sound to two people I really love every morning...so now our nightly routine of teeth brushing, story reading, and bedtime snuggles also includes me taking their breakfast orders.
Before bed I move the toaster to the edge of the counter, pull out butter knives, Nutella, and plastic plates, fill up cups and leave them waiting in the fridge, and pour dry cereal into plastic containers, being sure to leave our teeny tiny toy Tupperware jug filled with milk and slightly open, ready to pour.
And now the mornings include two excited kids, tag teaming to help each other out while they get themselves breakfast.
Now my wake ups, while still early, aren’t filled with the same sense of urgency. I listen to the coffee dripping into the pot alongside the sound of my children chatting over bagels and Froot Loops.
It is a beautiful way to start the day.
But it’s not the extra sleep that leaves me so thrilled. Ok. So maybe it’s a little bit about the peace of waking up without demands.
But what struck me this morning as I passed my oldest on the way to his room to get dressed, after he’d toasted and creamcheesed his own bagel before putting his dish in the sink, was how proud of themselves my kids were to be taking on some responsibility for themselves.
My totally selfish decision to buy a few moments of unrushed calm in the morning not only altered the pace of my day, but inadvertently communicated some really important ideas to my kids. Letting them show up for themselves and not needing to take charge sent them the message that, ‘I know you can handle this. I trust you.’
While it’s true that I have no idea how much creamcheese made it onto said bagel, it’s not really important. And I’m confident that we’ll have a giant milk spill one of these days, but we’ll just clean it up. This plan borne out of exhaustion has turned out to be a wonderful experiment in capacity building for my children, as I – after setting the stage – let them learn how to experiment with independence in a safe place.
As I pondered the idea of capacity building in my kids, I thought of the work I do with people on a regular basis. Sometimes parents, even parents of adult kids, have held the reigns so tight that they have sent the message to their children that, ‘You don’t know what you’re doing...you need my help to make decisions.’ This creates adult children who are scared to death of making a choice, because they’re sure they’ll screw it up.
Or some who hear from partners that, ‘You folded the towels wrong, I’ll just do it,’ sending the message that their partner is not clearly not capable to handle such a task. This leaves partners choosing to step away, rather than towards someone they love because their efforts never feel good enough.
Sometimes friends feel the need to chime in on every outfit choice, haircut, or boyfriend in a way that undermines the ability of someone they love to feel confident in their preferences or instinctual decisions. This leaves a person feeling insecure, and unsure if their ‘friends’ really accept them for who they are.
Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes as people who love people we need to hold up a mirror to poor choices that can have dicey consequences and with wrinkled foreheads say, ‘Really?’ That is part of being a good parent/partner/friend, too. But I am not talking about the red flag moments...so much as the ordinary day-to-day stuff.
I saw an acquaintance in Costco yesterday. L was telling me about her uncertainty around a school related decision with one of her kids. She told me point blank what she and her son wanted; they agreed. But L stood there, hemming and hawing as she spoke – sharing how other people thought she should go another direction. This was not a choice that involved sending her son to join the circus, sending him to boot camp, or endangering him in any way. It was a choice where one option was not obviously better than the other, and where neither choice was poor. And yet L couldn’t decide. L could not access her own capacity to choose, for the encouragement (read: judgement) of others had drowned out her own voice.
I stood with L for a few moments, validating how hard it is to parent – and how we never quite feel like we’re making the right choice – and rolled off to the checkout encouraging her to trust herself. That was my small effort to say, ‘Go Mom! You’ve got this!’
And when my youngest asked me what to wear today I told her that was a decision she could definitely handle on her own, inviting an array of mix-matched disasters, but knowing that the act of choosing for herself was more important than any coordinating colors could ever be.
How do we build capacity into those around us?
How do we love people in a way that says, ‘I believe in you. Go for it! You can make this decision, and I’ll support you,’ and not take over or try and take charge of their stuff?
Don’t get me wrong, when capacity is inadvertently stripped, I am confident that a lot of the time it is done so with love, and a sincere desire by the other to help improve a situation. But unfortunately ‘helping’ can send the message that, ‘You can’t take good enough care of yourself...let me do it for you.’
I, for one, will keep on taking those breakfast orders each night, and will enjoy the morning chatter between my two lovelies as they take care of each other (and themselves) while the sun is still dark and my coffee is dripping.
I will resist the urge to reprimand when good efforts don’t produce phenomenal results, and instead celebrate the courage it took to try.
I will step-the-heck-back out of situations that others can handle, and instead be the steady-on-the-side who cheers others on as they learn to show up and discover just how capable they really are.
We all need a little more of this in our lives...people to cheer us on and tell us, ‘You can do it!’
With Dahlia Kurtz today on CJOB…the ups and downs of family gatherings…preparing for the alliances, the rivalries and the pressure...
Giving another person the gift of "I can do it!!" by being a long-suffering TWOster…a video that you'll remember all day long.
Trust...an important emotion. How to develop it, repair it and destroy it..