A Thoughtful Look at Life

Everybody is three people.

We're who we think we are,

we're who the audience thinks we are, and

we're who we really are,

and the closer those three people are together,

the longer your career can last.

Kenny Rogers, as told to

The Winnipeg Free Press, February 6th, 2010

Hmmm...thinking that he's not just talking about entertainers here.

Seems like wisdom we can all gain from.

Keeping a good marriage great is just as important as fixing the problems.

I was reading Psychotherapy Networker the other day when I came across the issue of how therapists can help clients who have done some really good work on addressing problem areas in their marriage.

 

Steven Stosny said in an the latest edition that an important way couples can entrench health ways of relating to each other is through the concept of “habituation”. He says:

..a growing literature on relapse prevention suggests that you can help the couple retrain their brains, so to speak, by instituting new associations—which, with continual repetition (this is the critical part), can gradually encode new, more relationship-positive associations. None of this is high-tech or tremendously sophisticated, but it does what all training and regular practice is supposed to do: establish new patterns that may become stronger than old ones.

 So what does this look like?? Glad you asked. (You were asking, weren’t you?)

He suggests a series of daily rituals which combined take a total of 5 minutes (surprisingly small amount of investment for the most important relationship in your life):

(1) Gestures. Make some brief, nonverbal acknowledgement of your partner's importance to him or her at the four major transitional times in the day: before getting out of bed in the morning, before leaving the house, the first thing when you come into the house, and the last thing at night. (Behaviors done at major transitional times tend to have more carryover throughout the day.) This should be a gesture, like a brief touch, gentle eye contact, or just reaching out your hand. You should notice within a few weeks that affirming your partner's importance first thing in the morning and last thing at night is one of the pleasanter ways to improve over-all health and well-being.

(2) Hugs. Hug your partner, in a full-body embrace, six times a day, holding each hug for at least six seconds. Hugs are usually the first thing to go when a chain of resentment binds a relationship. The less you touch, the more resentful you get. The 6 x 6 formula isn't arbitrary. You probably don't hug more than once a day now. Increasing that to at least six times a day increases the chances of raising your level of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. The six-second minimum for each hug recognizes the fact that in the beginning, some of the hugs will feel forced and awkward. It's all right if they start out that way, as long as they become genuine at about the fifth or sixth second—which is likely to happen if you're still attached. You'll eventually find that it's easier to put your heart into the embrace than to resist it.

(3) Thoughts. Set aside five seconds for a positive thought about your partner at least five times a day. How you think about your partner when you're apart largely determines how you behave when you're together. Think of assets she or he brings to your relationship and how he or she makes your life better.

The other strategy he suggests is that the therapist work with the couple to have a “fire extinguisher” of sorts around. He reminds us that fire extinguishers don’t just put out fires, they are visible reminders of the risk of fire, and those who are conscientious about the risk of fire have them around as a practical commitment to reducing fire risk. Steven has created a CD which couples can use to remember some principals he has taught them…he doesn’t even expect them to listen to it, but having it on display in their home is a cue to them to their commitment to a quality, life-giving marriage, and the work and communication that is required to maintain this.

I love his closing line:

"When it comes to day-to-day living, if you want to love big, you have to think small."

so...Go,

think small:

in many tiny little moments,

in wee bits, and

in almost-lost-but-found-in-time moments in your relationships today.

Let little droplets of love and commitment gather

bit by bit,

collecting over time,

providing gentle evidence time after time,

over and over,

so that they pool together in an expanding way and

gradually fill the loved one in your life

full of the love that you have for them.

Rosie O'Donnell has admitted her regrets, and learned from them.  We can all learn from them.

The other day, I had a rare opportunity to watch an episode of Oprah.  Oprah was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie had an infamous falling out with the TV talk show, The View, where she had been a regular part of the host team. In particular she and Barbara had a conflict…I was interested in this because I had listened to a recording of Barbara Walters autobiography last summer.

A portion of the discussion is found here (sorry, I can’t seem to embed the video, so you need to go to Oprah’s website)

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Rosie-ODonnells-Feud-with-Barbara-Walters-Video

I thought it was really insightful of Rosie when she said: “Yes, I do, I do regret that moment…I was demanding from her an emotional connection with her that I don’t think she was capable or willing to give me, and that maybe I had no right to ask for.”

If we are honest with ourselves in quiet stillness (when/if we allow ourselves to “go there”), there are times when our reactions to people have a deeper element. The powerful surface emotions  are expressed for reasons which are buried and significant--there but almost out-of-consciou-reach.

In my opinion, the most important part of the conversation happened immediately after this video clip, which happened like this:

Oprah: The point is: You thought she should have come to your defence. You were hurt.

Rosie: I was hurt….At that moment, if I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, “you really hurt my feelings”.

Oprah: That is so interesting, that you would say, “If I had been braver I would have just cried.” Because often times crying is perceived as the weak thing to do. Why do you say braver?

Rosie: Because then you’re vulnerable. Because the authentic feelings I had was pain and hurt and rejection.

Oprah: And instead you stood up and [were angry]

Rosie: Of course, because that’s the armour I put on as a child. I had no mother and I had to take care of family, and so I got that armour.

It’s powerful when a person is able to see that anger is a reaction to the internal pain. Expressing the anger is easier than vulnerably and transparently letting the other know of the hurt and sadness.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I like the approach that Rod Minaker uses in our “Transforming Destructive into Constructive” anger management course. He recognizes that often the anger is a secondary reaction to a primary pain. Often a person doesn’t understand the primary pain—just the anger is felt.  The anger feels out of control--rather like Rosie's anger.  She asked people to get away when she stood up...because then "the rage is too big for my body.  I have to move to readjust the rage and the pressure of the past".

Rosie’s pain looked like it was caused by Barbara’s lack of support. During the rest of the show, Rosie let us know that some time away from the public eye allowed for some self-exploration. She lets us know that she knows now she has learned that she was looking for something in Barbara that she had missed when her mother died when she was only 10. The primary wounding was loss of mother, and Barbara’s lack of response to Rosie over her vacation hurt that already injured part of Rosie’s soul deeply—because the original wound was so profoundly painful.

In our TDC program, Rod teaches many of the conventional strategies to manage rage that threatens to be uncontrollable…and then there is the “added plus” that he respectfully and carefully includes. He recognizes that there must be important internal [and largely unconscious] reasons that the anger that has gotten out of hand. He has an amazing way of helping members of the group explore this in a way that has people leaving feeling empowered and excited about relating to their angry parts in a different way. To know that your angry part is covering up a hurt part gives an important strategy for handling anger. Suddenly, it’s not about stifling the anger with tips and techniques. It’s about dissipating the need for the anger by understanding what’s underneath—with courage to vulnerably examine what the anger is protecting. A vulnerable bravery.

What is the amazing thing about how Rod facilitates this is, that he “gets” that exploring the underlying layer under the very visible and explosive anger requires vulnerability, which is scary for most, and particularly so for those who have spend years covering it up with anger. He carefully allows people to approach it in a safe way, not pushing or expecting people to do more than they feel comfortable.

Rosie has begun to see herself differently since she has done some of that inner work. She is defining herself differently, and the interview with Oprah is evidence itself that she is able, in a grounded and centered way, speak of her own growth that allows her to experience anger and pain in a way that feels more authentic to who she really is.

Angry people look intimidating.  Powerful.

But they may have not yet gathered up the courage to be vulnerable to explore the hidden corners of their soul to see what is underneath the anger.

If others have told you that the way you express your anger is out of context for the situation (or if they think they might tell you that, but are way too intimidated to give you candid feedback), dare to consider exploring what your anger might really be about.

Sometimes, following your gut instinct is NOT the way to go.

Now I realize that might sound heretical for a therapist to say...so much of the work we do is have people work to discover what is going on inside of them, and to trust that and act on it.

Mostly, that is of benefit.

But sometimes, all we can hear is a part of ourselves that is scared or angry and that actually isn’t our deepest “gut” talking, but rather an anxious part that hijacks us and masquerades as a “gut feeling”. We get fooled by that, and if not self-aware can get sucked into doing something that is exactly the opposite of what is good for us.

I was reminded of this the other day as I found myself going through my pictures from summer. And I came across the following photos, taken at the edge of downtown Vancouver:

A friend of mine kayaks…she went to a week of white water kayaking school for vacation…not my idea of fun, but it was hers.

She talked about the various skills she was taught. The skill she had most trouble with was uprighting herself when the kayak turned over. Capsizing a kayak is not a big deal once you know this skill…and white water rafting requires this skills because of how the water currents can toss a person upside down. Time after time, as the instructor tipped her over, she would struggle to flip the kayak upright and fail…she would need to use the prearranged signal that of knocking on the side of the kayak. The instructor would help to release the waterproof skirt, and pull her to the surface so she could breathe again. Then she would get back in the kayak and try again.

She took several days to finally “get it”. The challenge was, she said, to not listen to what her body wanted to do, but to do what her instructor told her to do. Success wasn't achieved until she stopped listening to what her body told her to do, and she did what her body didn't want to do.

See, when you’re underwater upsidedown in a kayak, your brain has one agenda…OXYGEN. Your brain wants your lungs to be able to take a fresh load of air. That’s a really strong drive, that breathing thing, eh? Desperately strong.

So, in one’s priority to get oxygen, the body seeks to have a person’s nose above the water…so as a person is suspended in the kayak under the water, it is a natural drive to twist the body to strain to have your face emerge from the water to breathe.

Only it doesn’t work that way. The more you try to get your face on top of the water, the farther you get from being able to get your face up above the water.

To actually be able to get your face out of the water, to satisfy the insatiable desire to breathe, one must do something completely counterintuitive: you need to temporarily not work towards having your face out of the water.  It will be the last part of the body to emerge out of the water. The trick is to keep your center of gravity low…which means rolling out of the water one vertebrae at a time. Think of it as first bringing out your lower trunk, then middle trunk, then rib cage, then neck, and very lastly, your head. THEN you can breathe.

It took her four days to conquer what her body WANTED to do, to do what her body actually NEEDED to do to survive. When she did what she NEEDED to do, she got to do what her body longed for—breath. It was mind over matter until her body felt the feeling of what it was to do it right and be able to breathe successfully at the end. Once she “got it”, she could do it over and over again.  Her body knew the feeling, and knew how it could get the air it needed.

 I think sometimes our lives are like that:

• A person who finds it excruciatingly hard to get out of bed in the morning, actually does

 And realizes hours later that it would have been worse to stay in bed

• A person who is anxious and concerned and preoccupied knows that exercise is a natural destressor. She fights it—nothing in her wants to bother exercising, but gives in when a friend is at the end of the driveway on the way to the gym and won't drive away without her.

 And she feels great after

• A husband who knows his wife is ticked at him because she thinks he’s not involved enough. He’s so done with disappointing her that he finds excuses to hide out at the computer or the hockey rink (which keeps him from her scowl, but as far as she's concerned further proves her point)…but with the support of his therapist, he turns towards her to hear her pain

And over time they become more connected, and she gets less frustrated.

• A wife who nags her husband to get more involved with the kids, clean up after himself, to remember his mother’s birthday etc. etc. and most of all just really really wants to be noticed by him. The counsellor works with her to understand her pain and, over time, she becomes less demanding as she discovers the underlying source of her pain. She is able to back off

 And he becomes more engaged as he feels less like he has to run away.

Hearing about kayaking was a way for me to learn how clearly that sometimes a person has to not do what feels right but rather, to do what is effective--which may be very different.

Of course, a person needs to use their judgment carefully when doing something other than what their gut says. It takes some thoughtful contemplation to look at what your body is saying to you...making careful choices about if it is coming from a fearful part that is hijacking you, or from the very best core of who you are providing you with some solid truth.  Often the gut can be focused on immediate safety, rather than ultimate effectiveness--check it out

Think about it sometime. Sometime when you're scared and wanting to pull away, pull in, or pull out.

In the midst of a busy day, with food to cook, lessons to take, games to watch, parties to prepare for, sidewalks to clean, houses to tidy, life is full and hectic.  But when the snow is right, and the spirit hits, you just gotta take advantage of the moment, and do what you don't have time for:



We didn't have time for this today.  But years from now, we won't remember that the dishes didn't get done.  We might remember this guy! Tho the snowball in the back of my head when I wasn't looking was completely unnecessary! :)

Steal a moment of joy in your life today.

...now I'm back to get a little less behind on my dish washing!

When we are motivated
    by goals that have deep meaning,
    by dreams that need completion
    by pure love that needs expressing
then we truly live life.

As a therapist, I help people notice the patterns of the things that aren't working in their lives...that helps them to see the way they tend to make things happen.  Once people are able to see their responsibility in the process, positive change is much more likely to occur.

Sounds easy.

It is not.

It’s really hard. REALLY. HARD.

But do-able. And exciting. And rewarding. 

But then there comes the empowering feeling that a person can impact the world around them, and so can mount the crushing responsibility of feeling like one needs to be the one to make everything work, or the life-sucking frustration and disappointment when, despite one’s best efforts, the results are going south. Fast. Ouch.

Had that happen to me recently. Was working on a project with a team of people, and was trying to help make a difficult situation better. I was the leader of the team, but because of the sensitivity of the project, I checked in often with my team members, making sure that my guidance of the process was “on target” and I wasn’t straying because of a blind spot. They encouraged me that I was working effectively and in alignment with the group's common values. I consulted with outside experts…careful not violate trust, but working conscientiously to get outside input so that myopic shortsightedness wouldn’t be a factor. I acted on their guidance and received their support. I thought hard about what I was doing, thinking through my words and actions at multiple levels repeatedly. I summoned up my courage and gathered my resources when the project challenged me. In short, I bust my butt to give extra effort to give every chance for something to succeed.

And it didn’t go well. Ouch.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it. Struggling to find the patterns…scratching my head trying to find my contribution to why it went sour. And then I looked at my dining room table:

I got 3 paperwhite bulbs from the basket of bulbs before Christmas. Had 3 identical glass cups, with the same red sand, and watered them with water from one common pitcher. I watered them at the same time and they stood side by side on my dining room table getting the same amount of sunshine. I didn’t talk to them differently or anything!

Two grew. One did not.

I don’t know why. But I know that I gave it the same opportunities the others had. It actually was a bit of a relief to know that it was something with the bulb. Had I only purchased that one, I would be wondering what I did wrong, what I missed. But it wasn’t me. This bulb may not be dead, but it sure is taking its sweet time letting me see it’s goodness. I think it will come, but long after the others are already finished. The rate of growth for that last one is not up to me.  It's working on it's own agenda, and it will respond to the light and water when it decides it's ready to...chill out, Carolyn!

A good reminder to me that while it is vital to look to see my role in life’s circumstances, I need to allow for circumstances beyond my control, outside of my understanding or knowledge. I don’t know everything, have to allow factors which I need to respectfully aknowledge are beyond me. I need to chill out, relax, and not automatically take complete ownership for what happens in the relationships in my life.

Some people don’t assume enough responsibility for what is happening in their relationships, and underestimate their ability to effect positive change in their world. Some people have to learn to relax and recognize that while they can influence outcomes with their actions, that there is a lot more at play—to influence an outcome is a far cry from determining an outcome.

Which direction do you tend to operate towards. What movement would be a helpful correction?

"Now in this world of ups and downs,
It's nice to know that there are jackelopes around."

Boundin Sheep

This won't make sense until you watch the following video. I know it’s over 4 minutes, but it’s cute and packs a giggling punch.

 

I love how the jackelope is kindly curious to the lamb…not judgemental, not dragged down into pity or sadness himself…just ready to listen to the response to his question. He doesn’t shy away, avoid, argue with, get pulled down by, or convince. He asks and waits for the lamb to talk.

And then is:

• Patiently understanding.
• Not ridiculing
• being helpful without taking over or solving anything
  
• Gently encouraging (OK, so maybe he doesn’t handle him the lightest, but his words are kind and gentle)
• Tenderly humorous
• Kindly confident in the sheep’s ability to move forward

It’s profound how the lamb, after the healing influence of the jackelope,  accepts the discomfort of the annual shave: the kick out of the back foot waiting to be yanked as a part of life,

• knowing he will come back to dance,
  
• knowing that the shave, though unpleasant doesn’t ultimately have to impact his ability to bound and rebound,
• knowing that somehow he will survive being “nekked and bare” because his pink buffness didn’t define him.
  

The video reminded me to be grateful of the jackelopes in my life…those that are compassionate and caring, spending time with me in the rough patches, and relate to me in ways that gently and supportively challenge me to move forward and find ways to bound and rebound.

That jackelope is deceptively wise. Inspires me to be a jackelope to those in my life who might be pink, blue or heliotrope.

If you need a jackelope, show them this video.  If you have no one to show the video to, then go to your boss, your Employee Assistance Plan, book an appointment with a counsellor in your area, talk to your teacher.  Keep looking for someone who you can safely share your sadness, your shame, your guilt...don't give up, because there are jackelopes out there. Keep looking until you find someone who can gently show you the way to "bound, bound, bound, and rebound".

Who needs a jackelope in your life?  Can you be one to them today?

We spend so much time complaining about our jobs, that we often forget to contemplate how good they are for us.

I was looking forward to the break in routine of work over the holidays just as much as anybody. I was looking forward to relaxing mornings when the alarm clock didn’t go off, and I could drink my tea with a good book in hand.

However, I did work a few days between Christmas and News Year Day and on my way to work I heard an interview that was billed as one of CBC’s favorite interviews of the year. It started off fairly benignly, as this April 2^nd interview had Marcy Markusa interviewing Kirk, as he and his co-worker were using pressurized hot water to blast out frozen culverts. It was your average spring flood interview with normal people being willing to do extraordinary things to do what it takes to save homes, when the interview took a ninety degree turn:

Kirk: We don’t want anybody’s basements to flood, we’re doing what we can.

Marcy: It’s just terrible for you guys to be out here in this weather.

Kirk : We don’t mind it. We enjoy working in it. It doesn’t bother us at all. And to help out the RM’s and to help out if there is a state of emergency, we’re more than happy to help out.

Marcy (with gentle smugness): That’s what you’re saying but you’re not the guy in the ditch. Are you sometimes?

Kirk: Yeah. And believe it or not, he just won 1.999 million dollars and he came back to work in one week for Unijet –that’s because he loves our company so much.

Marcy (in humourous disbelief): ThIs is a lie, that has to be a lie! (turning to Gennadi, the guy working in the ditch)….You won the lottery for real?
Gennadi: Last week, on Wednesday….

Marcy: How much did you win? Excuse me?

Gennadi: Almost two million dollars.

Marcy: Awww….Really? So you’re telling (slowly, in disbelief) me that you won nearly two million dollars, and you’re standing in a ditch full of water and ice on a snowy day out in rural Manitoba. Why?

Gennadi (in a patient, tolerant, deadpan voice): I’m working.

(Kirk, busting a gut in the background, unable to contain the hilarity of the situation, as Marcy is working hard to wrap her head around this situation)

Marcy: Is it because you don’t know what to do with the money yet, or???

Gennadi: Not really, not really, I just want to work. It’s not in my…I don’t like stay at home

Marcy: You want to stay busy. And you want to stay busy at this? (incredulous) Cuz this is a grueling job!

Gennadi: It’s good company, it’s good guys working. I enjoy this kind of work.

Marcy (turning to Kirk, the boss): What is it about this man that keeps him working in a ditch of water. As a co-worker, were you surprised he didn’t just say, “See you later, I won nearly 2 million dollars?”

Kirk: I phoned him at exactly the same time when I found out  he won and he said, “Captain, I be back in one week and come work for you guys again, cuz I like you guys”

Marcy: And that was it?

Kirk: That was it

Marcy: And his response…did it surprise you?

Kirk: Not really, cuz I don’t understand what else he’ll do. He really likes working here.

That is one of my favorite interviews too. It reminded me of the value of working. 

• Of showing up regularly every day. 
• Of showing up at a certain time because people are counting on you. 
  
• Of leaving the worksite knowing that something was accomplished during the day. 
• Of having your life ordered predictably around something that matters. 
• Of the satisfaction of being able to feed your family because as a result of your labor. 
• Of being able to feel like some days, you made a difference in the world and that it is left a better place. 
• Of being able to hang out with people that we can banter with, be challenged by, and collaborate with. 
• Of getting up in the morning with a purpose.

Sure, not every day is like a Hallmark greeting card. There are days, or even seasons in life where the job sucks, the co-workers are nasty, and the boss is out to get us. Yup. There’s all that. And more.

It’s important to find work you love, and that fits. It’s important to work to create a work culture that fosters a good spirit, or find ways of getting yourself into an environment like that.

But mostly, it’s important to work. Thanx, Gennadi, for reminding me, for reminding all of us, of that.

PS. Thanx to Marcy too, for arranging to have this interview posted, so I could hear it again!!

Wise words can come from unexpected places--and then be unexpectedly valuable.

I was at a memorial service on Saturday... the second of January…a time when we are all thinking about new starts and fresh, more effective ways of doing things. It was ironic to attend a memorial service—a celebration of a life just ended—to be reminded about how to move forward, but that is just what happened.

During the service, L.’s brother-in-law told us about her life. After he told us about the family she left behind, the contributions she made to family, friends and those with whom she worked (which were significant), he closed with an email she had sent to family and friends a while ago. L had been fighting cancer for some time and she said:

Tonight I was over at a friend's house whose balcony overlooks the river. It was beautiful. She had a friend there I have meet before. She has had serious health issues as well so it was nice to talk for a while.

I realized an issue that people sometimes ask me is "what have you learnt or what are you learning about this experience in your life?" There are many things. A few of them are:

- The first thing is to give up the illusion I have that "I" am in control of my life and trust God to control and work out everything that happens to me. Remember he will not let you be tested beyond what you can handle.

- The second thing has more to do with priorities. "Don't sweat the small stuff"--money, material things, petty arguments. The things for me to focus on are "the big stuff"- my relationship with God, my relationships with family & friends (without either of these 3 relationships I would not have the strength to do this), my purpose in life, my healing either here or in heaven, and the many people who come in and out of my life.

- I have also learned that each day is a precious gift and we should be thankful we have them.

In the past I have had broken relationships with people and now that I am sick I realize how important these people would have been for recovery. I thank God daily that he continues to provide new/old friends when I need them the most.

Another thing I have learned and nobody who knows me will be surprised at this--a sense of humor goes a long way to make a bad situation a little more bearable. So yes I am still laughing which strengthens me and makes me more optimistic in some ways….

Thank-you all for the little and big ways you are affecting my life. You are all very special to me as I continue my journey.

Take care, L

I remember the writer, Robert Fulghum said in one of his books that he found it valuable to visit the site where he would be buried some day…it was a chance to take stock of his life, remember what was important, remember that his lifetime was finite. Being aware of these motivated him to make meaningful choices. When he left his gravesite, he found himself better able to live a fuller and more meaningful life

So it was a personal treat for me to hear L’s words…someone who was aware her days were numbered, and could remind those of us still here of what was seen as important to her given this valuable view that she had. She gave me a check-in similar to what Robert Fulghum's, through which I can start 2010 in a way that has the reality of the end give cause to correct my priorities now.

Thanx, L, for your wisdom and for what you gave to so many in you life. Thanx for the way you made relationships with friends and family a priority, and for the richness that gave to the people in your life.