The apple blossoms and tulips are blooming.  Amazing how good they are for thirsty eyes that hunger for something all those months when our environement lacks color.  They brighten the spirit, and bring a smile to the soul.  Look in wonder at the beauty around you--and be restored.

Picture this:


A woman lying on the floor flexing her legs up towards the ceiling, so she is in an L-shape. Resting on her feet is an upside down scale. Near her toes, is the readout…which predictably (as it is resting ON top of her feet, rather than bearing her weight UNDER her feet) the scale reads “0.00”

The caption reads: “The Female Character…the ability to see facts from whichever angle suits them best.”

The picture is at first confusing, as one struggles to make sense of it. Then it is funny—very clever. Then it is heartwrenching…as one can identify with it.

How often don’t we play with the picture to make it suit us? How often don’t we tell ourselves lies to justify our behavior?

I deserve that piece of cheesecake because of how ugly that meeting was.
That dinner was disgusting, and then she criticizes me—she deserved that slap she got from me.
He doesn’t care about me anyway—why shouldn’t I have an affair?

Below are some myths that have been debunked by solid, peer reviewed research. The myths (and the evidence to refute them) are found in the December issue of The Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. I’ve quoted them directly, but am only giving you an edited sampling. D. Popenoe, John Gottman, Waite and Gallagher, Amato and others have done solid peer reviewed research that says all the following thoughts are lies that we as a culture tell ourselves:

MEN REAP FAR GREATER BENEFITS FROM MARRIAGE THAN WOMEN
Recent research…has shown that men and women both benefit substantially from marriage, with benefits to men being largely health related and benefits to women being largely economic, though both sexes receive some of the benefits usually attributed to the other. In short, “Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married”

SINGLE PEOPLE HAVE MORE SEX AND CONSIDER THEIR SEX LIVES MORE SATISFYING THAN MARRIED COUPLES
While single people may brag about their sexual experiences more often than their married counterparts, married people actually have sex more often and find the sex more physically and emotionally satisfying.

THE MORE SOMEONE GIVES THEIR SPOUSE INFORMATION, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, THE GREATER THE MARITAL SATISFACTION OF BOTH PARTNERS
Only positive self-disclosure increases marital satisfaction. More recently, Gottman has demonstrated that the quality of interactions, in particular the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones, is far more impactful on the satisfaction of both partners than the simple frequency of interactions.

COHABITATION BEFORE MARRIAGE DECREASES THE CHANCE OF DIVORCE
Couples who cohabitate prior to marriage divorce more often than those who do. No study has ever demonstrated cohabitation reducing chances of divorce.

THE MAJORITY OF COUPLES WHO DIVORCE ARE HIGH-CONFLICT COUPLES
Amato and Booth (1997) found that less than a third of divorcing parents had marriages that could be considered high-conflict. A mere 30 percent of divorcing spouses reported three or more serious arguments in the past month, and less than one in four said they and their spouses disagreed often or very often. Other studies have shown a variety of marital problems that are predictive of divorce, with conflict per se not on the list. For example, in a study by Amato and Rogers (1997), infidelity, drug use, and spending money foolishly were most strongly predictive of divorce. The presence of conflict in a relationship is relatively weak in predicting divorce; examining how couples resolve conflict produces much stronger predictors.

CHILDREN DO BETTER IN STEPFAMILIES THAN SINGLE-PARENT HOMES
While stepfamilies do offer advantages over single-parent homes, such as higher income levels and the presence of role models of both sexes, children seem to do no better and may in fact fare worse in stepfamilies than in single- parent homes after.

IF DIVORCED PARENTS PUT FORTH POSITIVE ATTITUDES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, THEIR CHILDREN ARE NO MORE LIKELY TO DIVORCE THAN CHILDREN OF MARRIED PARENTS
Children from families who experienced divorce consistently report more negative attitudes toward marriage than their peers, regardless of what attitudes toward marriage the parents attempt to communicate to their children.

THE FACTORS MOST OFTEN CITED BY LONG-MARRIED COUPLES AS REASONS FOR THEIR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES ARE ROMANTIC LOVE AND GOOD LUCK
Larson’s (1988) review of literature concluded “most couples do not identify romantic love as the kind of love that helps maintain marital satisfaction over the life span” (p. 10). More recently, Gottman found that a couple’s perception of the quality of their friendship is most predictive of their long term marital success.

CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITH DIVORCED PARENTS THAN WITH PARENTS WHO ARE UNHAPPILY MARRIED
The effects of parental divorce in and of itself are pervasive and long-lasting for many children. Married parents—even unhappily married parents—can provide children with benefits divorced parents cannot, including greater economic standing, stronger family bonds, stronger connections with the community, more available time for parent-child interaction, and better over-all emotional health.

THE QUALITY OF A MARRIED COUPLE’S SEX LIFE IS THE SINGLE BEST STATISTICAL PREDICTOR OF OVERALL MARITAL SATISFACTION
Broadly, the quality of a couple’s friendship is far more essential to their marital satisfaction than the quality of their sex life.

So, how many of these surprised you? The study itself was actually focused on how often marriage and family therapists were fooled--some of these are inconvenient truths.

Bottom line:  work at your marriage, work at being friends with your spouse, find ways to be positive in your relationship, be aware that your kids will be permanently be affected by the divorce no matter how well you and your spouse handle things. When you make your decisions, make them without telling yourself convenient untruths.

"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."  Victor Hugo

I was flipping through the radio stations today while I was in the car...and I heard a song I've never heard before.  I stayed on the station for the rest of the song, because the lyrics caught my attention:



Being in the "troubled marriage" business, means that I work with couples who are experiencing pain in their relationship.  Too often, I hear the frustration of women who have become increasingly unhappy in their relationship...and they cajole, encourage, and generally work hard to get his attention.

Nothing. 
They hang in there, waiting for him to catch on, to see how desperately unhappy she is.
   
Nothing.

Then, one day, months after the decision is made internally, she announces that she's done.  She's burnt out working on this marriage alone, and she's given up.  She starts to pack her bags.

He panics.  He calls me.

He's desperate to fix it.  He really is.  He loves her, wants it to work, has always wanted to make it work.  He just didn't know.  He didn't hear her.  He really didn't.  And now...well now he gets it.  But it's too late.  He tries to figure out how to fix it...but his efforts are months too late.

My ability to work in these situations is limited.  It takes two hands to clap.  Without something to work with, we're doomed before we start.

Problem is, I feel for the guy.  He's not malicious, he's not a jerk.  He's a guy who hears his wife be upset about his husbanding. He has sensed her dissastisfaction, and has tried to please her in ways he knows how, in ways he can manage.  Often it's "stuff"--"I'll provide for her well".  "Stuff" doesn't make for a rich marriage.

He starts to spend time where he feels he is appreciated, where he feels competent--at work, with the guys, coaching.  He's good at that so "why not play to your strengths?".  Why hang around at home when he sense the cloud of disappointment around him?  He withdraws from her farther--not because he doesn't want to be with her, but because he can't tolerate the complaints and criticism...they hurt too much. 

And so the distance increases--not deliberately, but by the ugly pattern of wife pursuing, husband withdrawing (occasionally it is the other way around).

If your partner was on this website and sat you down to look at this video, read the above carefully.  It's a lot harder than it might appear to work at this...as a marriage counsellor, I've worked with enough withdrawers to recognize the difficulties and to respect the person behind the challenges.  But don't make the call once your partner is several months past "enough". 

If your partner is showing you the below video, take her seriously.  Agree to attend the appointment she's asking you to attend with her.  Open the door to the heart that you've hurt.

My grandfather died last week.  He was 96 (though the government insisted he was 97 because of a decades old administrative error)...a quiet man who was a laborer, a good man, one that his family cared about.  He was practical--didn't want to get a new warm jacket in his early 90's even though he needed one--because he didn't think he'd get enough use out of it to make it worth it.  Someone who I remember as sitting quietly while we had a great time with Grandma--his hearing was badly affected by the factory work, and so he was always there, he just didn't participate in the conversation much. One who had simple pleasures--we had Seven-Up and pink wafer cookies at the lunch after the funeral in honor of his favorite snack, which was always an option when the food in the personal care home wasn't to his liking--and it often wasn't.

He meant a lot to his crew of children.  It was difficult for many to say good bye at the funeral. What I noticed as significant was my aunts and uncles, who are decades past the "honeymoon stage" holding hands. No-nonsense kind of people who aren't generally at all mushy--but holding hands as the casket was lowered into the ground. Quietly and inobtrusively, in-laws giving support to biological children--sustaining and encouraging with touch. When children are upset, hurt, or bewildered, most will run for comfort to a parent. The parent scoops the child up, hugs the child, stroking their hair, rubbing the "owie" and speaking in low soft tones. We know how many children who are frightened or stressed immediately become calmed when handed their blankie, nookie, soother, teddy --generally something that their parents have provided to them and has come to be associated with safety and comfort.

So often as adults we forget the benefit of reassuring touch of someone we trust and and knows cares about us.  So often, in the mundane everydayness of life, or the madhouse rush of our crazy schedules, it slips our minds to reach out and touch someone...to ask for or give the touch that says, "I love you.  I am here for you.  I care about you.  You are safe with me."

It helps.  Just ask my aunts and uncles.

I realize it is after Mother's Day, but I came across an article today about step mothers.  Carolyn McTighe interviewed me a while back about step mothering, and how step mothers can handle a tricky day like Mother's Day.  Mother's Day is a tough one for step mothers...step mothers care about the kids, but the child is often focused on biological mom.  They want to be celebrated, and their efforts merit aknowledgement, but loyalty is a fickle quality, and so it can be a hurtful.  There are no easy answers.

As seen in the Welland Tribune:

Loving step mom

 

Posted By CAROLYN MCTIGHE, SPECIAL TO SUN MEDIA

Mother's Day is no longer a day exclusively for mom. In a culture where nearly 40% of all marriages end in divorce, stepmothers are becoming a regular part of many families.

Finding a way to celebrate Mother's Day without overshadowing mom may seem like a difficult task, but when handled in just the right way, can actually lead to closer connections between a stepmother and her stepchildren.

Carolyn Bergen, a Winnipegbased family, marriage and children's therapist, believes that it is important that stepmothers tread lightly when planning Mother's Day celebrations.

Expecting too much from your stepchildren and not having realistic goals, will only result in resentment and hurt feelings.

"Step moms need to remember it is not a generic child with a generic stepmother celebrating a Hallmark moment as prescribed by society," says Bergen.

"These are real kids who have quirks and beautifully unique characteristics. Every situation is different, every child is different -- marking that day will be unique to each family.

"I would encourage women to be realistic about that day, and allow it to be unique, rather than meet some presupposed image of what our culture idealizes Mother's Day should be."

Understanding that not every child will feel comfortable celebrating Mother's Day with their stepmother, is a good first step in making the holiday less stressful for everyone in the family.

Children may feel they are being disloyal to their birth mother when celebrating Mother's Day with their stepmother.

"A child is hardwired to love and have loyalty to the woman who brought them into this world -- a connection that is powerful and something that if the step mom tries to minimize, she will likely regret," Bergen says.

"Knowing some of this may allow a new woman in the household to feel OK about having a less-than-enthusiastic welcome. Everyone needs to be acknowledged, and motherhood is often recognized as the hardest job in the world -- step-mothering is all of regular mothering plus the added layers of complexity with a child balancing memories and times with a biological mom. Insisting on [Mother's Day] being celebrated rings hollow."

 

Taking on the responsibility of celebrating Mother's Day yourself, or placing that responsibility squarely on the shoulders of your stepchildren, is something Bergen strongly urges stepmothers to avoid.

"I think the husband and the children's biological father, has an important role here," she says. "Dad may want to check in with the child to see if they would like to do something for the step mom, without any pressure or expectations to do so.

"I would suggest that when a woman in the role of parenting a child not biologically hers deserves and would benefit from recognition for her efforts, her husband can buy the roses, and take her out for the dinner, and buy her the diamonds.

"It is difficult work raising a child-- and with the added complexities of it not being a biological one -- those efforts certainly do need to be acknowledged and celebrated."

Starting small and easing your way into Mother's Day will help to create traditions that both you and your stepchildren can build upon. It is important that Mother's Day is handle tenderly, in order to ensure it does not become a day dreaded by everyone.

"A step mom can make Mother's Day special for the child by helping (when the situation allows for it) the child to prepare a special day for the biological mom, helping glue the stuff on the card or making the sandwiches for the picnic," says Bergen.

"In other words, actively giving her blessing for the child to love his or her mom."

Blending families is a process that requires years, as the small day to day connections are tentatively explored, refined, tested, affirmed, modified, and solidified.  Blended families can gel successfully when children feel their reservations are heard, their resistance to blending is respected, and the new parental couple finds ways to meaningfully connect with the children without needing or insisting that they conform to some preconceived notion of behavior.

Blending families requires courage, and occasionally, some external support as the tricky route of joining families is negotiated.  Kudos to those of you who embark on this voyage with humor, respect, and openness.

I was at a conference today, entitled: "Stay Ahead of the Electronic Curve:  Digital Marketing, the Changing World of Targeted Communication".  There were some really interesting, energized (and energizing!) speakers.  Rahaf Harfoush publishes a book next month about her experience of helping Barack Obama's campaign.  She said lots of interesting and fascinating things, but what caught my ear was the approach that campaign organizers took to voters.  The interactive new media allowed people who cared and wanted to be involved in the campaign.The interactive new media allowed people who cared and wanted to be involved in the campaign to do so in ways which were respectful and empowering. It was a radical departure from talking "to" people to "with" people, from one way speeches to two way dialogue.

People could organize and post events they wanted to host.  Voters could get creative and implement novel ideas (like campaign motivated carved pumpkins!) or use their abilities to promote the movement (ObamaWorks were students from Yale who went out and lived out volunteerism wearing Obama gear--it went viral and others caught on--who wouldn't want to support a leader who got people raking leaves, collecting litter and making the world a better place?)  They built community and connection with "the little guys" who then actually became the "big guys" when called on.

Then Fan Wen, a prof at the Asper School of Business, spoke about "branding".  She said that in addition to external branding--logo, ads etc., one needs to internally brand--to create a cultural that reflects company values that employees feel and experience...both of these are rooted in "brand soul".  Yup, that's right--soul.  We usually don't associate those two words together, but she does..."We're people, we want meaning".  As she spoke, I wrote down words that she used:  inspiration, hope, empowerment, action-oriented, transforming, community.  Admittedly, she was using those words in a talk that would empower listeners to become better branders/marketers to sell product.  However, what was significant was her belief that advertising has to incorporate those values because those are values that the public feels are important and will respond to.

Throughout the day, over and over, the values of respect, invitation, empowerment, connection, community, conversation were repeated.  They get it.  The new media marketing world understands what people long for in relating to others, how we were created to be in relationship, how we light up when engaged and empowered. 

They get it.  Do you?

We have Joy this month at Bergen and Associates Counselling. Literally. Biringanine Joyeux Bahizire is spending the month of May with us.  For those who are Franco-challenged, he has graciously permitted to call him "Joy".  Joyeux is a student at the College St-Boniface in their business administration program.  Lisa Roch was looking for placements for their students and so we volunteered to be a learning center for him.  He gets a chance to see a little of how one office operates. While he is learning about how our office runs, we get a chance to put him to work.  We are appreciating his work, and are grateful to have him help us catch up on our bookkeeping, work on little projects that have been waiting for someone like him to give them some attention. He's been good natured and patient with us, as we get used to his accent.  Melanie has been working with him as I have been off teaching and getting our second office completed and I appreciate the direction she has provided to him. Welcome aboard, Joyeux!

I'm excited to let the world know that the couch has arrived.  And no, for the jokesters out there, it is not a chaise lounger that clients lie down on and ramble on aimlessly and endlessly about their mothers.  It's a beautiful coordinating loveseat that completes the room, making it a pleasant and cozy feeling environment for counselling.  Take a look

	This is the couch.  The cushions are coming in July as they are on back order.  The building is a beautiful building that was constructed in 1906.  The brick wall at the back is one of those beautiful "they-don't-make-em-like-that-anymore" brick walls.
This is the other side of the room.  The blue color is gorgeous and I just love the feeling in the room.
	This is the view from the doorway. The shelf above the loveseat is missing a few things to complete the room.
This is the outside of the building at 143 Smith Street at the corner of Smith and York.  There's a huge sign right on the corner of the building advertising "Dental F/X" which is in the same building

While the real work of therapy occurs in the conversation with the therapist, and working with the changes that happen inside of a person during and inbetween sessions, I do feel strongly that the environment helps set the stage.  We work to create a positive experience for clients starting at the website, continuing through the appointment booking process, first impressions on entering the office, preparing the groundwork for productive work with the counselor. We're looking forward to working with clients in this new space as well as our other offices at 2265 Pembina Highway.

Change comes in many packages and sizes. 

Many of us despise change.  Much of the work that is done with clients is discovering the part of them that will resist the very change they seek help for.

-A client who asks for help with procrastinating on homework, and on further investigation, really doesn't like the course she is taking.  If the procrastination is reduced, she'll be doing homework she doesn't want to do and isn't really interested in--why kind of fix is that!

-A couple wants help reducing the conflict in their marriage.  But as tensions decrease, they find themselves sharing more deeply and intimately--which has its own terror.  Suddenly, the conflict seems attractive--it's connecting at a safe level.

Suffice to say, resistance to change isn't just about wanting to stay stuck in an ugly place.  It's about difficulty letting go of the underlying adaptive process that has something that looks like it's not working actually serve a valuable purpose.

All this thought about change comes up because I have been learning more about how websites work, and I "took the plunge" and transferred my blog to the same web address as my website.  I really liked the look of the other blog, the usability of the features of blogspot.  But I'm working at being open to the change, and finding ways to embrace it.  I think it will be a good decision in the long run. 

How will you make your change decisions that you are facing?