June 2009

My cat needed a bath…she’s getting older and less able to look after the hard to reach parts.  

What does this have to do with anxiety—trust me, LOTS!!  You shoulda seen  her.  Her style…frozen while she knows she’s trapped, and then lightening quick at the first opportune moment. And oh, lots of crying…Lily can sound almost human when she gets going.  Her eyes have this stricken victim look that could break your heart.  But when she sees her chance, she can move pretty fast for an old girl. This is her MO:  still and appearing cooperative, pleading with her eyes, and always on the lookout to make a break.  That’s our Lily!

Did’ja ever notice how most of us have a style of what to do when we feel like the heat is on? And did’ja ever notice how far back that style can go?

When you were a kid, remember how vulnerable you were?  Needed to make your way into adulthood.  Some are fortunate and grow up secure in the knowledge that we will receive all the essentials from our parents—consistency, food, shelter, love and learning what a kid needs to learn.  Other kids find the grown ups in their lives are abusive, inattentive, depressed and absent, addicted to something because of an unknown pain in their lives, or otherwise well-intentioned, but can make the world a tentative scary place for a kid.  Meals not quite so predictable, or love expressed only with “strings attached”.

So the cute cooperative girl knows that her parents respond to sweetness, cuteness and so learns to be coy and appealing to keep her parents engaged--feeling like they get preoccupied with the country club and work, but love showing off their adorable princess.

The confrontational boy knows that no one is gonna protect him except him, and so he takes on the world as an enemy and lets no one in—that way no one can hurt him.

The helpful hardworking girl realizes that’s how she can sustain an overworked exhausted single mom and ensure there is some room at the end of the day for some TLC for her.

The little boys figures out that when he disappears during conflict, the fight doesn't escalate, he doesn’t get as hurt, doesn't have to see his mom get pushed around (how scary is that for a kid!) and it will be quiet when his dad passes out in a drunken stupor.

Kids aren’t consciously manipulative…just trying to get through life in a world that seems scary and is perceived as unpredictable.  Kids, without a lot of resources, develop a tool that works and use it—generally effectively.  The family system absorbs and adapts to this strategy. The examples are very clear, often a child's fear, and their coping strategies are much more subtle than the above circumstances.

Problem is that when you get to adulthood, the types of situations a person encounters requires more than the one standard approach that worked over and over again earlier in a person’s life.  It’s like having a hammer—works well when your problem is a nail, but not every challenge is a nail. Suddenly what worked so well as a kid, now does not address the adult situations successfully.

When we are anxious, our default position is to go back to the “tried and true” strategies that we learnt were essential (and successful) to our survival over the decades.  

So the cute, adorable girl finds that being cute and adorable attracts men easily and she is well cared for but sets her up to be manipulated by men who take advantage of her.

The confrontational boy becomes a man who becomes defensive whenever challenged--his wife has no way to raise a concern without him blaming her...and gradually she learns to be quiet and not "ruffle his feathers"--though she loves him, she pulls away over time as a matter of survival.

The hardworking girl discovers there are only 24 hours in a day, and when her marriage is in trouble, she can’t fix it by working harder—she’s already exhausted by her efforts—and so she becomes yet more unavailable to her husband as she pushes herself even harder.

The withdrawing little boy loves his wife dearly, but pulls away and retreats to his workshop when she needs to process a disappointment, or flashes anger towards him—and she is left feeling alone and abandoned—and he can’t understand why she becomes disengaged over the years.

It can be a profound revelation to a spouse to realize that what is happening during conflict is actually a response to anxiety…an anxiety response gone awry.  Imagine going from:  “My husband abandons me when I need him the most” becomes: “My husband distances from his feelings of anxiety when I challenge him on something”.  The goal of therapy is to have the individual (or couple) be able to stay in the situation, understand that the behavior is an anxiety response, and to calm oneself in other ways so as to reduce the anxiety enough that alternate strategies can be employed.

Many times, couples come in to “learn communication skills”…which has me chuckle.  These are people who are highly competent communicators professionally and with friends.  They have all the communication skills that they need.  What they don’t have is access to all these communication skills during times of conflict with their spouse…because the anxiety of not feeling fully loved and accepted by a spouse has them going back to the basic skill they used most earlier in his/her life.  

It’s not communication skills that are needed in that situation, it’s safety—ensuring that each partner is aware at a profound and deep level that they are loved, safe and deeply accepted by their partner…and with the anxiety out of the way, a couple is free to communicate effectively.

"There is no greater invitation to love than loving first."
St. Augustine

Imagine this, if you can (and if you can remember high school, you can):

Two girlfriends, wired and getting more wound up by the moment, in that high school, hand flapping (picture Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality ) sort of way:

The first one says:  I called my new boyfriend, and he didn’t answer the phone!  What does this mean?
Her friend says:  Oh no.  Hmm…I did see him talking to Britney, the new girl in school the other day.
First one:  You’re kidding!  You think he might be with her, right now?
Friend: Dunno, mebbe.
First one: Come to think of it, he wasn’t home the day before either…THAT time he said he went to 7-11 for a Slurpee “by himself”…a likely story, it seems.
Friend: So, he has been two-timing you, huh?
First one: I can’t believe it.  First what’s-his-name, then this guy. Where (said in a plaintive wailing voice) will it end?  Am I doomed to a life of cheating guys.
Friend:  That’s it.  You can’t trust guys. You just can’t.
First one:  My life is ruined!!!! (notice the multiple exclamation marks)

Now, of course, this is hyperbole, and certainly not how many adolescent girls would behave, but you understand my point. (And, if you’ve been in high school, you might change the circumstances, but you’ve been in a conversation with that sort of catastrophic tone to it.  Just saying.)

The above is what’s known in the counselling business as a “positive feedback loop” that is spiraling/escalating.  As one hears the panic and concern of the other, the other springboards higher, and then the response it one of yet another springboard higher, and so on.

Imagine now, that the positive feedback loop isn’t between excessively histrionic adolescents, but between your brain and your body.  Your boss comes to you and says:  My office.  5 minutes.  You and me.

Your heart sinks—you’ve heard the tone and know it’s serious.  Your brain feels your heart sinks, and remembers that feeling—the last time you had that feeling, something really really bad happened.  Your brain, faster than you can put into words, senses trouble with that sensation.  Your body gets the message of trouble, and your stomach roils and turns, your face gets hot, and your heart starts to pound.  Your brain feels all the energy and heat, and knows that this feeling is “PANIC”.  Once your brain registers “PANIC”, your body has no choice but to respond with a full blown anxiety reaction--an adrenaline rush with increased blood pressure, insulin release, increased muscle tension and a host of other automatic reactions—including the part of the brain that reasons well in a sophisticated fashion begins to decline in function!

Now, if you’re in the woods, a bear is rapidly approaching, this is a perfectly adaptive response!  However, too often, this escalating feedback loop happens in a maladaptive way…and at times, unnecessarily…the boss might merely be letting you know she needs to leave town for a few days unexpectedly and needs you to cover for her.

In therapy, a therapist will often spend some time with the client deciding where the best spot is to break that feedback loop…break the cycle, and the reaction doesn’t escalate (Picture the high school friend saying: You know, you should try again in an hour…maybe he just went skateboarding.)  Sometimes the opportune spot in the cycle happens with the brain with dealing with the thoughts/feelings and sometimes with the body and it’s reactions (or occasionally both).  Body work can include breathing, meditation, prayer, yoga, and a host of relaxation sorts of strategies.  Brain work looks at where it learned to read body responses in the way it does, and to remove barriers to dealing with the current situation for what it actually is (as opposed to, “I imagine (in light of my body)…”

The important thing is to break the cycle so as to stop the escalating spin.  Often just working with a client to understanding where the cycle “gets traction” is enough to start making a difference.  Mindfulness is a powerful way to monitor reactions and then get some control over them.

Sounds hokey?  Don’t dismiss the idea too quickly.  My experience is that many are not consciously aware of what their body is feeling, and how your brain is interpreting those bodily sensations…an important component of counselling can be just slowing things down to have a person slowly begin to discover their body’s sensations.

Yet more on anxiety in a few days.

I remember when I first graduated from Occupational Therapy school…I was working in an outpatient department with patients with workplace injuries.  I was inexperienced in many way, and had much to learn. I was embarrassed one day when a patient (not my own) pulled me aside and said, “You know, your client doesn’t speak English very well, but her hearing is fine.  When you are speaking to her, it’s like  you think if you speak loud enough she will get it.” As humiliating as that feedback was, I remember it as being profoundly helpful.

It did more than change how I spoke to people for whom English is an additional language.

It remains an illustration of how we tend to apply the adage of “If a little is good, then more must be better”.  Nice idea, huh?  Speaking slowly and clearly to a person whose first language is not English helps comprehension, but speaking louder and clearer doesn’t actually improve understanding—rather, there is actually a point at which it is insulting.

More of a good solution often creates its own problems.

I’ve come to see anxiety is rather like that:

It’s helpful for a person to experience some anxiety about how a dinner will go, or in preparation for an exam.  The anxiety serves as a helpful internal cue to become motivated to reduce the anxiety.  So, recipes are researched and effort is put into shopping for all the ingredients, and the cooking starts early allowing time for unforeseen circumstances for a good outcome.  Notes are reviewed and the text read more diligently in preparation for an exam—and people do better when they study.

But too anxious, and a person isn’t calm enough to follow the steps to the recipe, or be calm enough to double check the grocery list—and mistakes made.  Or studying for an exam—the student is too anxious to concentrate on the material, and sleeps so poorly that they aren’t in a good space to write the exam.

One of the important part of changing behavior that is painful and out of keeping with what a person really desires, is to look at how the behavior (however misguided) is/was actually intended to help the person engaging in the dysfunctional behavior.  Often these motivations are so hidden under entrenched behavior that it is only with therapy that they emerge.

With that insight comes new possibilities and options for behaving in a way that both allows the original goals to be accomplished, and with strategies that fit the situation in a comfortable and synchronous way with a person’s values and ideals.

More on anxiety in a day or two...

An open letter to those involved in the Manitoba Marathon:

To the organizers of the 2009 Manitoba Marathon:  WOW!  This is FUN!! There must be details to look after on this event that most of us would never dream of.  I look forward to the energy of the start line--thousands of people gathered together ready to challenge themselves--thanx for giving thousands of us all the memories!

To the drummers, bell ringers, clappers, and sleepy headed parents holding babies at the side of the road of Manitoba Marathon:  Thanx for making us all feel like celebrities today.  We love feeling the love!

To the thousands of runners, wheelers and walkers:  A big part of the energy of the day is the good naturedness of people, the desire to be helpful and supportive to strangers, watching family and friends support and take care of each other.  It is an experience of community that doesn't happen like this very often in a big city. We need to experience the fundamental goodness of humanity sometimes.

To the team of women that is pregnant and featured in the Free Press yesterday:  Thank you for your inspiration and the lessons you teach us about health and the way our bodies are far more capable that we would imagine.  Thanx to the 8-month-pregnant-woman for your friendliness on route as we had our short conversation.  But as for leaving me in the dust as you continued on and I couldn't keep up--well, I'll get over it.  I tried to take a picture of the back of your shirt--but you ran faster than I could get my camera out!

To the guy in Wildwood pointing his garden hose to the sky at the side of the road:  Bless you.  A thousand times, bless you.  Who knew that cold water could feel SO GOOD!!  Even early in the morning at the first part of the race, this blast of cold was amongst the most startlingly refreshing moments I've had in a very long time. You, and your cast of thousands, make the day a wonderful experience.

To the woman supporting us from the roadside in Wildwood that said, "The next water station is just up ahead":  Praytell, maam, what is your version of "just up ahead"?  Did you know that it was not around that corner, or the next or the next!  Honestly...you had me believing that if I postponed my scheduled one minute walk just a tiny bit, it would be rewarded with a wet sponge and a cup of water.  NOT!! I do thank you, though...because in having me think, "Well, it must be the next corner (or the next or the next)", I actually ran farther and faster than I would have otherwise.  You helped remind me that there is more capacity inside of me than I sometimes realize in the moment.

To the lady on the bus bench on Pembina Highway:  Thanx for taking care of the young runner beside you.  You were so nurturing and kind, supportive, offering her bus fare, money for a drink, and willing to sit beside her for as long as it took.  You had me convinced you were her mother...until you said to her, "It was nice to meet you " when you left.  You are the reason why I couldn't miss being a part of the marathon today.

To the woman walking behind the "Closing-The-Race" official Manitoba Marathon van on Wellington  Crescent:  YOU ROCK!!  You were hot, you were tired, but YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP!!  You are another reason why I made sure I was involved today:  you are an example that ordinary people can do extraordinary things.  It is an extraordinary thing to NOT GIVE UP, even when there might be cues that make it easy to do so. (That's her with the red T shirt--the speck on the road...between the trees on the left hand side of the photo you can see the closing van ahead of her).

To me:  Good on me!  My runs have been shorter and farther between and have only started in the last 3 weeks or so--my sprained toe took a lot longer time to recover than I would have thought, and is still not nearly all the way there. But I still found a way to take part--the relay.  And though I wasn't fast, I was steady, and did run about a minute/mile faster than I had hoped.   I didn't give up, and I found a different way to be a part of the day that I had intended, but I was there.

One of the songs played at the starting line was the theme to "Chariots of Fire", and I was reminded of Eric Liddel's infamous line:

"God made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure."

One didn't even have to be fast to feel His pleasure today.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

e e cummings

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.

e e cummings

Go for it!

Today looked for many like an ordinary day.  I too, looked like I was having an ordinary day…saw clients, made phone calls, dealt with issues, looked after administrative chores at work, and household chores at home.

But it only looked ordinary.  It didn’t feel ordinary.  For weeks, there was an impending sense of waiting for the day, knowing it was coming.

It was the anniversary.

The anniversary of the death of dear and loved family members who died suddenly and tragically on this day years ago.

Amazing how things can look normal, and so much can seem like a regular day, even when today is not at all like other days—for me.  Many days now, the fullness of life covers over the gaping hole and I, after all these years, don’t even think about the loss.  There were months years ago where I couldn’t imagine grief being a daily and ever present mantle of heaviness.  Life has gone on, I can smile and laugh without feeling guilty. I can remember the times before with fondness, and talk about those days without bursting into tears.

But today is a day when the hollow ache is ripped open fresh again and it seems like yesterday that I heard the dreaded news.  I am reminded of the emptiness in a "get hit by a Mac truck" sort of way.  Leaning over the grave and hugging the ground seems like a pathetic way to connect with the love that was lost on that day—pathetic, but I wouldn’t miss being there today for anything.  It is a day I dread, but a day I wouldn’t miss, can’t miss, won’t stop acknowledging.

As I sit by the grave and weep, I sit in the silence and remember.  I go through the "what ifs", and spend time wishing things were different.  A time of restless contemplation.  I notice the ants crawling over my feet and pant legs and I idly am reminded that there is life.  The nearby roar of the train tells me that life keeps moving forward, and as much as life stops at the grave, it goes on too.

Tomorrow is a new day, and the burden of the anniversary will be lifted.  But the memory of my loved ones is not forgotten:  there are the wind chimes in my kitchen, statues in my living room, the beach glass in another room—all of which serve as symbols of the lives that were lived, and they comfort me.  Gone but not forgotten. And life goes on.

I snapped this photo late last summer--I a pushover for a rainbow...the camera (at least when I hold it) doesn't begin to capture the beauty or the enormity of a rainbow.  People stopped in awe to stare at the magnificence of the rainbow.  Total strangers gathered and stood together in wonder looking at it--it couldn't help but have people comment to each other about how exquisite it was.

I think what made the rainbow especially remarkable was that it came after a wicked and furious storm.  Rainbows often do, I suppose, but that never seems to stop us from catching ourselves in surprise as we gaze at the beauty of the rainbow.

I love rainbows, always have.  For me (and for many) they are such a sign of hope...a sign that life goes on, that life is beautiful, that there is an "after" to the storm--something that seems so hard to grasp hold of when the storms blow, the thunder crashes, and the lightening bolts across the sky.  In the middle of the storm, life seems precarious, unpredictable, and well, just plain scary.

I was talking to somebody via email that had a "rainbow experience" in her life...just booking the appointment for counselling had brought optimism and a sense of hope that somebody was going to help her.  Often, people leave a first session feeling relief...sharing the dark time with somebody sheds fresh light, and often hope.

I remember standing in the grocery store one day.  I needed the chocolate hazelnut spread that was on the top shelf--only one left--and it was there--waiting for me.  I was very tired, it was the very end of a very long and hard day, and there was special significance to the purchase--leaving it there was not an option given the role it had in a very special recipe for a very special purpose. Seeing the jar there, but well beyond my reach, seemed like one thing too much that day. I groaned inwardly--late in the evening, not a store employee in sight, and I'm vertically challenged--and the jar had been pushed well back from the edge.  In despair, I explained my predicament to my little shopping partner.  At that moment, talking about the situation seemed the only alternative to a meltdown (me, not the child) and I figured I should at least look like I was holding it together!

The child looked up at me and asked me to pick him up...and I did--straining to lift him higher than was easy, but still possible.  His reach, with my help, substantially exceeded mine.  WE DID IT!! He grabbed the jar and I now I could purchase.  Don't think the little guy understood why I was teary--children often are confused by tears of relief and joy.

Silly, isn't it--the answer was right there--found in the sharing and cooperating.  I've found that's where the hope often lies in the storms of life.  Sharing the "tough stuff"  with someone who can see strategies from their perspective that one can't see in the mire of the storm.

Strange that many in our culture would feel that to be a sort of moral failure, a character weakness that it couldn't be solved without help. We aren't wired to solve things solo. We have two eyes that see the same thing but from a different perspective--the two different views that our eyes see is critical to depth perception, an essential component to good vision.  As people we work better solving things in community--sometimes friends/spouses/teachers/rabbis/priests can come alongside and provide the right support.  Bring someone in to share the load, provide some freshness and clarity, and help you see the issues in ways you might have missed. Sometimes it takes a therapist to do that.

Maybe it's too hard or too messy or doesn't suit the situation to bring it to someone you know.  Choose a therapist carefully, and go for it.

A counsellor can provide the distance and perspective to help sort through the despair in a situation, and find some of the barriers that interfere with a solution that works.  Sometimes the possibilities are become bright and clear.  Other times, a person is able to find a "least worst" strategy that works towards reducing the current level of pain.

A counsellor does not have to be a last resort...something you try when  you've done absolutely everything else you could.  Engaging in counselling could bring the rainbow after the storm.

And who doesn't love a rainbow?

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurt past it. (Soren Kierkegaard.)

Read aloud, and tell your partner what you think about what this quote says or suggesting.

A question from A Private Affair

While friendship has been found to be the most vital component to keeping marriage alive and vital, sex is often a part of keeping that friendship fun, interesting, and intimate.  The challenge for many is that a sexual relationship is purely physical.  People know how to do sex, but not talk about sex...which not only leaves out a really fun part of sexual intimacy, it opens the door really wide to confusion, misunderstanding, and hurt.  The relationship goes south, and sex becomes a failure in a relationship, rather than a boost.

Sex can be a wondrous way to celebrate the intimacy in a relationship.
Sex can be a delightful way to enjoy each other.
Sex can be a fun way to aknowledge that the fight is over.
Sex can be a non verbal way of reconnecting after a time of distance or busy-ness

In sum, sex is a way to strengthen the relationship and enjoy each other.

And for many, it is just ho-hum.  Or worse.

With no means to do anything about it.

Todd Sellick is a Winnipeg (!) therapist who has collaborated with his wife to produce a game that serves as a tool to open up conversation, create the climate for interesting encounters, and generally provide an opportunity to spice up your sex life.

A Private Affair:  The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises is a collection of ice-breaking questions that can be used in a variety of ways.  One couple on the website writes:

An erotic tonic to twenty-two years of “good marriage.” It somehow gives license to talk about things we’d otherwise be far less likely to talk about, and compels us to relish in it. How very refreshing!!

I have a passion for making good marriages better—this seems like one more tool in the arsenal to make marriages rich, enduring and loving.  What a find!! To have a playful, fun way of strengthening the relationship--no books to read, theory to understand, dry standard marriage improvement stuff--just a fun vehicle to spend some enjoyable time as a couple.  If anybody is familiar with it, let us know in a comment!

Our official sign was posted on our Smith Street location.  It looks great, and we look like we officially belong.

Rod is working downtown and the new location is working out fabulous.  Our neighbors are fun and easy to get along with.  The room is relaxing and conducive to important therapeutic conversations.  We are thrilled with how it is going.  Parking is surprisingly accessible in that part of town, and we are only a few minutes' walk from the major office buildings, affording people to be able to walk over during the day to go for counselling.

The Manitoba Moose lost yesterday--in Game 6 of the Calder Cup Final.  They came out "flat footed" as the hockey writers would say, and were down 3 goals really quickly.  The Moose scored the only goals of the second period, but had some good chances.  In the third period, with a couple of minutes left, they pull the goalie in a frantic attempt to get a couple of quick ones...it was exciting, the puck was near the opposition's net a lot, but it didn't go in. And then, with 25 seconds or so left in the game, the puck made it's way back down to the Moose empty net.  The score--now 4-1.


Our goalie goes back in net, and both teams line up at center ice to play out the game, the dying seconds merely a formality, as Winnipeggers realize that the Moose would not win the cup.

I was at the game--couldn't miss it with some major hockey fans in my life desperate to go.  What happened next made my Winnipeg therapist heart proud. At the drop of the puck, people started clapping. 

Then they started standing.

And by 10 seconds left in the game, with our team losing, the cup lost, the hopes dashed, players clearly devastated, the 15,000 plus fans were on our feet, giving a long, sustained standing ovation to the team we hold as our own.  The team that worked hard, played hard, and came close.  We wanted them to know that we knew that, and loved it--loved them.

Sure, there was disappointment--huge. Everyone likes to win.  And there was a sense at the end of the game, that we had won something--won the chance to have the dream of winning well into June, won the pride that happens when a team makes it into the finals after only being around for something like 9 years.

Randy Turner wrote a column in the Winnipeg Free Press today that says the fans left the arena 'Quiet as church Moose"...he's right in saying that there was no drunken party at Portage and Main, dancing in the streets and so on.  But I'm not sure how he missed 15,000 screaming fans yelling "GO MOOSE GO" over and over and over with pride when, after the buzzer, the Moose players gathered around each other in abject disappointment. 

They made it to the finals.  It was a good ride--an exciting one.  And we knew it--and we let them know it.

Reminded me of the importance of being a fan to the people in my life--to cheer them on even it's disappointing.  To find something to celebrate in the midst of loss.  To realize that "there's always next year" after failure.  To look for that which can be encouraged, even when there is much to be angry about.

Dr. James Krahn, a Winnipeg physician, was speaking the other day to a group of people about how to deal with the awesome issues of life, including facing one's death.  He spoke about connecting with oneself, and being able to recognize anger in oneself, without actually becoming "Anger"...being able to speak for a part in pain, rather than becoming a blob of pain where lashing out, becoming panicked, and hopelessness rule.

One of the most telling things he said was that one of the most important predictors of mental health in an adult was the ability of that person to soothe him or herself as a child.  Check this out as a cute example:
Yes, this baby is being rocked by mama, but he is humming himself to sleep...there will be times when mama has to put him down before he is asleep...days when he will need to put himself to sleep as all of us had to do.  He will have his humming that he knows works.

Some kids have soothers/nookies or whatever they are called in the family.  Other kids will have a favorite blanket, or a teddy bear that when they hold, they become calmed.  Some children are, by nature, more easily stressed while others are more relaxed and easy going.  So, for some, finding ways to soothe themselves is natural.  Others need a little more help.  Many have a symbol of security and safety which is used to cue themselves to relax--known as a "transitional object" (transitioning from a caregiver soothing them to using that object on their own to feel secure, safe, and calm). Ironically, in Western culture, many wish to wean the child from that transitional object as soon as possible.  I could never figure that out...why take away the very thing that the child finds most comfort in? This accomplishes what?

I recall seeing a child in the emergency room, getting treatment for an acute asthma attack--monitored with all sorts of machines to ensure that the medications being used were being tolerated.  After the breathing mask was removed following a treatment, with considerable relief he would put his fingers in his mouth, hold on to his little security item--and his pulse rate would drop by 40 beats a minute within just 10 or 15 seconds.  It was startling to watch how effective the little guy's soothing strategies were.

Kids aren't shy about their binkie, blankie, teddy or whatever.  They freely ask for a lap or a quiet corner when they need it.  Many adults forget that we need to be able to soothe ourselves, to take care of anxious or scared or sad parts, to allow us to be able to continue on in the way life requires.

Everyone needs to feel safe sometimes.  Cozy, secure, and relaxed.  Where is your special place?  What is your special thing?  What do you hum to yourself, listen to, remind yourself of?  How do you breathe, focus, center, ground yourself?

Soothe yourself today...just even for 5 minutes.  Try it.  Do it. 

Maybe you'll want to do it again tomorrow.

Rod Minaker and our intern, Yok Knight, spent two Thursday evenings recently with 9 people who were willing to spend some time with others exploring their responsibility in the expression of anger. They did this at our Transforming Destructive into Constructive (TDC) Course.

A lot of people have to come:

The judge says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (the blank is filled in, in any number of ways).

The employer says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (usually that one has something to do with remaining an employee").

The girlfriend says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (this one--well, by the time it gets to this, the relationship is hanging on by a thread).

There are a few that recognize that they're angrier more often than they'd like to be, and experiencing and processing anger more effectively is something that sounds appealing and so they choose to come.

We have a feedback questionnaire that we ask people to complete anonymously after the completion of the course.  The feedback we get is overwhelmingly positive.  That is particularly gratifying for me to see when I know that significant numbers didn't originally sign up by their own choice.
The comments fell in 3 categories:

1. appreciation for learning content:  how to recognize anger, how to keep anger within productive limits, how to calm oneself so as not to explode, how to make wise decisions so as to harness anger to work FOR you, rather than AGAINST you
2. enjoying the group experience.  While many imagine being in a group with others who are addressing their own anger about as appealing as sitting on a hill of fire ants, several people gave us feedback that learning from other people, feeling "as though I was not alone in the way I was feeling after talking with the group", and feeling like they were able to help each other learned was labelled by several as the very best thing about the group. What people often fear the most about this group turns out to be the best part.
   
3. the appeal of Rod.  Rod is a great guy to talk with about anger.  He's vulnerable and transparent with his own experience of anger--and he's human, so he knows all about the experience and expression of anger--he doesn't talk TO participants, he discusses the material WITH participants.  He's been doing it for years...he's got interesting stories, amusing anecdotes, and is great at generating discussion.

The course only lasts 2 evenings...but our clients feel like they've learned skills they can use long term.  Some of them go home thinking they want their partner to come and learn what they've learned...it's exciting to think about using the same language for something that you haven't been able to put words to. It's a relief to think that each person in a couple has an understanding of how to harness anger and make it productive and constructive. 

No one really likes watching themselves spew venom out at people they care about, risk a job they love and pays the bills.  It's lousy to feel powerless as your are slamming doors, kicking tires (or worse), even as a part of you watches what is happening and thinks, "What the heck am I screwing it up like this for?"

Slow it down.  Spend some time working on this.  Don't sabotage your relationship with your spouse, your kids, your job...the things that are important to you.

It's not about not being angry.  It's about being aware what you are really angry about, and deciding how you really want to handle it in a way that you will be better for it. 

What are you waiting for?

Do something--take the course, read a book, talk to someone.  But don't let your anger destroy you and the things and people that are important to you. Life is too precious to destroy it with anger.

Remember my last post, this one was not only quite cute, but speaks volumes. Out of the mouths of babes:

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday". Noelle, Age 7 (participant in a survey of 4-8 year olds asked to define love)

"They do not love that do not show their love." William Shakespeare