Sometimes the focus on the destination has us missing the beauty of the present:
Joshua Bell is a renowned American violinist. His concerts regularly sell out because of the public's desire to hear his music. He is playing on a violin worth millions of dollars. And...
only a few stopped to listen.
When I saw this video earlier this week, I found myself more aware of the lilies in my front yard. I let myself get called away to play with a family member, leaving a sticky kitchen floor unwiped. I spent several extra minutes walking in the middle of a run when I was by a particularly scenic portion of the river. I've been challenged to find and notice the beauty in my life that is right there, waiting to be noticed.
July 2009
← June 2009 | August 2009 →
- Being Aware of Beauty
- The memories of high school
- An effective strategy for gangs.
- When God closes a door, He opens a window
- Holding the complexities of life
- Therapy as a Biological Treatment
- Premarital Counselling- Like Winter Boots in July?!
- Being Treasured--The dream of every Cinderella
- Barbara Walters: Struggling to Believe in Herself
- Compassion for the unfaithful??
- Boundaries and Connectedness after Infidelity
- Pain and Grace in Infidelity
The memories of high school
July 30th, 2009 // By Carolyn
Tomorrow is my high school reunion. Hard to believe all those years have gone by since high school.
I was asked to pray a blessing for the meal, and so this morning during my run, I thought about the ways in which my life was blessed in my high school experience. A few stood out:
In Grade 11, a bunch of girls tried out for the basketball team. They promised they wouldn’t just cut one girl, and weren’t sure how big the team would be. When the final roster came out, my name wasn’t on it…and I was CRUSHED…particularly since I was the only girl cut. They didn’t realize that Wendy had quit before the end of tryouts so they thought they had cut 2 of us. “Mr. Bill”, one of the coaches, found this out through the grapevine…and asked me back on the team. I played 2 years on that team…and while I wasn’t a star by any means, he and Ernie, the other coach, gave me every chance the other players had. I scored my first points of the year in the final playoff game…and got a fair amount of court time that game. I learnt a lot about grace, second chances, hard work…and had a lot of fun along the way.
Carol…an alumni who coached my teams during her university years. When she came on staff, she let us continue to call her by her first name outside of class, and was only “Ms. D.” in class. She invited me and my best friend over for breakfast once before school…pancakes with Granny Smith apples in them. When I look back, she was one of my first experiences in the transition of relating to adults as peers. That was, and is, meaningful.
Mr. P., the math teacher, bounded into class after a sleepless night with the birth of his child. He was exhausted but high on adrenaline, and I remember we spent the whole class time asking him questions about the birthing experience, about labor, about being a dad. That day I experienced the wonder that parenthood has. I remember him excitedly starting to tell us something, and then haltingly backing up, as he remembered his audience was 17 year old girls and boys, and phrasing his story carefully so that it would be appropriate for our ears.
In first year university, I got my first sociology exam back with an excellent grade…to my surprise, actually, as I still really hadn’t figured out what sociology was. However, the professor started off his feedback on the exam by saying, “When you write an essay, you should write in complete sentences. The first paragraph should have a thesis statement outlining the intent of what you will cover in your essay….” And on he went. I may not have understood the content, but my high school education had given me the ability to know how to write an essay. I value those lessons…even though I didn’t like English, didn’t really get high marks in the subject, and never did get all the way through “War and Peace”.
At my 10th year high school reunion, I remember the quiet satisfaction I felt as I saw the cool jocks who wouldn’t look twice at some of us in high school, go over and talk to the now-swans-who-had-been-ugly-ducklings. The universe, or my universe anyway, realigned itself into a friendlier place, as I saw previously cocky kids morph their brashness into a friendly confidence, and saw wall flower types blossom into interesting people who fascinated us all with their stories of travel and adventure.
High school can be a cruel and ugly place...and that reunion years ago showed me that there was much more in my classmates than was first apparent. I remember standing quietly, watching these conversations unfold. I understood the possibility of redemption, of hope and change in a new way that day.
I was asked to pray a blessing for the meal, and so this morning during my run, I thought about the ways in which my life was blessed in my high school experience. A few stood out:
In Grade 11, a bunch of girls tried out for the basketball team. They promised they wouldn’t just cut one girl, and weren’t sure how big the team would be. When the final roster came out, my name wasn’t on it…and I was CRUSHED…particularly since I was the only girl cut. They didn’t realize that Wendy had quit before the end of tryouts so they thought they had cut 2 of us. “Mr. Bill”, one of the coaches, found this out through the grapevine…and asked me back on the team. I played 2 years on that team…and while I wasn’t a star by any means, he and Ernie, the other coach, gave me every chance the other players had. I scored my first points of the year in the final playoff game…and got a fair amount of court time that game. I learnt a lot about grace, second chances, hard work…and had a lot of fun along the way.
Carol…an alumni who coached my teams during her university years. When she came on staff, she let us continue to call her by her first name outside of class, and was only “Ms. D.” in class. She invited me and my best friend over for breakfast once before school…pancakes with Granny Smith apples in them. When I look back, she was one of my first experiences in the transition of relating to adults as peers. That was, and is, meaningful.
Mr. P., the math teacher, bounded into class after a sleepless night with the birth of his child. He was exhausted but high on adrenaline, and I remember we spent the whole class time asking him questions about the birthing experience, about labor, about being a dad. That day I experienced the wonder that parenthood has. I remember him excitedly starting to tell us something, and then haltingly backing up, as he remembered his audience was 17 year old girls and boys, and phrasing his story carefully so that it would be appropriate for our ears.
In first year university, I got my first sociology exam back with an excellent grade…to my surprise, actually, as I still really hadn’t figured out what sociology was. However, the professor started off his feedback on the exam by saying, “When you write an essay, you should write in complete sentences. The first paragraph should have a thesis statement outlining the intent of what you will cover in your essay….” And on he went. I may not have understood the content, but my high school education had given me the ability to know how to write an essay. I value those lessons…even though I didn’t like English, didn’t really get high marks in the subject, and never did get all the way through “War and Peace”.
At my 10th year high school reunion, I remember the quiet satisfaction I felt as I saw the cool jocks who wouldn’t look twice at some of us in high school, go over and talk to the now-swans-who-had-been-ugly-ducklings. The universe, or my universe anyway, realigned itself into a friendlier place, as I saw previously cocky kids morph their brashness into a friendly confidence, and saw wall flower types blossom into interesting people who fascinated us all with their stories of travel and adventure.
High school can be a cruel and ugly place...and that reunion years ago showed me that there was much more in my classmates than was first apparent. I remember standing quietly, watching these conversations unfold. I understood the possibility of redemption, of hope and change in a new way that day.
An effective strategy for gangs.
July 28th, 2009 // By Carolyn
David Kennedy, a researcher in New York has a simple plan to reduce gang crime by 50%. WOW!
And it's not putting people in jail. That doesn't work.
He was interviewed by CBC this morning. The plan, in a nutshell, is this: Reps from the local gangs are invited to a meeting (it's not hard to find them--they are on parole, probation or supervised release, and attendance at this meeting is mandatory to their conditions). At the meeting, a couple of dozen officals from all departments of law enforcement and the social network are present with a united message:
What intrigued me most was when he said that most gang members don’t like what they are doing. They are scared, and recognize that their activities aren’t in keeping with how they really want to live. However, once in a gang, is breaks the code of honor to announce that one is withdrawing—there is no way out. This gives an honorable way for the individuals in the gang to change course. The gang members are in some sense relieved that the gig is up, and they can fold with dignity.
The majority of gang violence is about respect, he says. Establishing the right for respect, regaining respect, avenging an action to save face and reestablish honor. I recall a quote I’ve referred to before:
Which brings us back to every human being’s need to be loved, feel connected to others, feel like there is a place to belong, and a group of people to whom you matter. For many who’ve never had it, gangs can be the first form of true family—where a guy really feels like someone has his back. Feeling accepted and part of a group.
The meeting with the gang reps (and there are teeth behind the words) gives people real reason to look elsewhere for that sense of connection and belonging—it takes away from the safety of gangs. But (and I believe this is the key) the message is given in a respectful way to it’s audience. It is upfront and clear, the message is given in advance with clear consequences. It offers an alternative in a way that allows people to exit with dignity from the group.
This idea is so simple, it has been scoffed at. The idea is so successful, and has been proven so over the last 10 years, that it is being replicated in one major U.S. city after another.
Universal Human Longing: Belong. Connect. Be Accepted and Valued. Be Loved.
And it's not putting people in jail. That doesn't work.
He was interviewed by CBC this morning. The plan, in a nutshell, is this: Reps from the local gangs are invited to a meeting (it's not hard to find them--they are on parole, probation or supervised release, and attendance at this meeting is mandatory to their conditions). At the meeting, a couple of dozen officals from all departments of law enforcement and the social network are present with a united message:
You are here only as one of a group…please take this message back to your group. What you are doing is not helping the community or yourselves. It is wrong and inappropriate. There are people available to help you turn things around in your own life. Stop the criminal activity. Stop the killing. The next gang that is involved in a killing will be put under a magnifying glass. Not only will the man who pulled the trigger be punished with a long jail term, every one of his associates will be investigated for whatever they have done wrong—drug charges, traffic tickets, parole violations—every one of his associates will face consequences on everything possible to the fullest extent of the law. Go back and tell your fellow gang members this.
What intrigued me most was when he said that most gang members don’t like what they are doing. They are scared, and recognize that their activities aren’t in keeping with how they really want to live. However, once in a gang, is breaks the code of honor to announce that one is withdrawing—there is no way out. This gives an honorable way for the individuals in the gang to change course. The gang members are in some sense relieved that the gig is up, and they can fold with dignity.
The majority of gang violence is about respect, he says. Establishing the right for respect, regaining respect, avenging an action to save face and reestablish honor. I recall a quote I’ve referred to before:
“Respect is love in plain clothes." Frankie Byrne
Which brings us back to every human being’s need to be loved, feel connected to others, feel like there is a place to belong, and a group of people to whom you matter. For many who’ve never had it, gangs can be the first form of true family—where a guy really feels like someone has his back. Feeling accepted and part of a group.
The meeting with the gang reps (and there are teeth behind the words) gives people real reason to look elsewhere for that sense of connection and belonging—it takes away from the safety of gangs. But (and I believe this is the key) the message is given in a respectful way to it’s audience. It is upfront and clear, the message is given in advance with clear consequences. It offers an alternative in a way that allows people to exit with dignity from the group.
This idea is so simple, it has been scoffed at. The idea is so successful, and has been proven so over the last 10 years, that it is being replicated in one major U.S. city after another.
Universal Human Longing: Belong. Connect. Be Accepted and Valued. Be Loved.
When God closes a door, He opens a window
July 26th, 2009 // By Carolyn
Maria’s line from the Sound of Music has often intrigued me, sometimes frustrated me in its seeming naivete, and sometimes has me humbled with it’s truth.
I was running along today listening to a podcast describing a couple’s adventure on a tandem bike. They biked hundred of miles across the country. He was blind, but the description of how they enjoyed their ride together was exquisite.
It got me thinking…wouldn’t it be boring for a blind person to cycle for hours on end across the countryside? After all, looking at creation is one of the joys of cycling. All it would be hours and hours of pedaling. My initial thought: Why bother?
But when one is running, there is time for pondering…and my thoughts drifted back to an experience I’d almost forgotten about. Years ago, when I worked at Misericordia Health Center’s Easy Street, we had clients who were blind and were asking to be prepared to go to a service-dog matching camp. Weeks of grueling work to have owner and dog get to know each other and work together—often they would need some fitness training, and confidence building to get them ready for the arduous program.
In preparation for relating effectively with these clients, the helpful folks at CNIB provided us with some mobility training. The training involved us wearing blindfolds and learning the same sorts of cane use and other strategies that blind people use to navigate the world. It was in January that we were trained, so one day we went to the Health Sciences Center labyrinth of tunnels to get some experience in walking streets with other pedestrians and traffic.
I remember at one point in particular, our instructor (who was behind us letting us do our thing but prepared to help out if we got into trouble) informed me I was to turn left at the next intersection. A fine idea. But how do I find the next intersection? This seemed an unreasonable expectation! She reminded me that we had more than vision to provide cues. Sure enough, when we got to said intersection, I felt a subtle cool breeze kiss my cheek. I don’t think I had ever noticed it during the hundreds of other times I’d been in those tunnels. The sound changed too—just subtley—but with my vision blocked, I was more sensitive to the changes that I had missed for years and suddenly they became very distinct.
I’m grateful for my vision—love seeing the flowers, the green trees, the smiles and crinkled eyes of loved ones. But that day, I saw how when one loses something familiar that has been long relied on, other things take their place. Sensations and feelings and impressions that were valuable and interesting--and would have been missed if I was ambling along in the usual way--through the "door" so to speak. When the door is taken away, the windows can be found--who woulda thunk they were even there? If one is open to the new things, willing to learn new strategies, and be ready to move past the loss of the door, windows open up the world in impressive and exciting ways. Opportunities exist even when conventional avenues close—if we allow ourselves to look and find.
Go—find a window!
I was running along today listening to a podcast describing a couple’s adventure on a tandem bike. They biked hundred of miles across the country. He was blind, but the description of how they enjoyed their ride together was exquisite.
It got me thinking…wouldn’t it be boring for a blind person to cycle for hours on end across the countryside? After all, looking at creation is one of the joys of cycling. All it would be hours and hours of pedaling. My initial thought: Why bother?
But when one is running, there is time for pondering…and my thoughts drifted back to an experience I’d almost forgotten about. Years ago, when I worked at Misericordia Health Center’s Easy Street, we had clients who were blind and were asking to be prepared to go to a service-dog matching camp. Weeks of grueling work to have owner and dog get to know each other and work together—often they would need some fitness training, and confidence building to get them ready for the arduous program.
In preparation for relating effectively with these clients, the helpful folks at CNIB provided us with some mobility training. The training involved us wearing blindfolds and learning the same sorts of cane use and other strategies that blind people use to navigate the world. It was in January that we were trained, so one day we went to the Health Sciences Center labyrinth of tunnels to get some experience in walking streets with other pedestrians and traffic.
I remember at one point in particular, our instructor (who was behind us letting us do our thing but prepared to help out if we got into trouble) informed me I was to turn left at the next intersection. A fine idea. But how do I find the next intersection? This seemed an unreasonable expectation! She reminded me that we had more than vision to provide cues. Sure enough, when we got to said intersection, I felt a subtle cool breeze kiss my cheek. I don’t think I had ever noticed it during the hundreds of other times I’d been in those tunnels. The sound changed too—just subtley—but with my vision blocked, I was more sensitive to the changes that I had missed for years and suddenly they became very distinct.
I’m grateful for my vision—love seeing the flowers, the green trees, the smiles and crinkled eyes of loved ones. But that day, I saw how when one loses something familiar that has been long relied on, other things take their place. Sensations and feelings and impressions that were valuable and interesting--and would have been missed if I was ambling along in the usual way--through the "door" so to speak. When the door is taken away, the windows can be found--who woulda thunk they were even there? If one is open to the new things, willing to learn new strategies, and be ready to move past the loss of the door, windows open up the world in impressive and exciting ways. Opportunities exist even when conventional avenues close—if we allow ourselves to look and find.
Go—find a window!
Holding the complexities of life
July 24th, 2009 // By Carolyn
I often learn more by watching, observation, and experience, than by hearing a principle being taught. This week I’ve watched and learned about the incredible ability to hold life’s experience in balance and tension. I’ve admired people as, several times this week, I’ve witnessed individuals being able to hold both tragedy, struggle, joy and delight simultaneously.
Not everyone can…some can see only the loss in life, and miss the opportunities to see beauty, redemption, humor in our world, which is almost always present in our world. Instead only the ugly darkness of failure, disappointment, and tragedy is seen. Darkness persists and perspective is elusive. Candles in the darkness are overlooked. Candlelight will dismissed, even ignored, with focus being exclusively on the darkness.
Others, even in the midst of extreme difficulty, have a cheerful outlook that minimizes the pain and doesn’t allow for grief and pain. They take away other’s ability to be sad around them as they focus only on the sunshine and the flowers, and not able to hold anger or disappointment in an authentic way. The smile seems naïve or false somehow. Chirpiness that seems out of place and hollow.
Some can hold the tension of both:
What I’ve witnessed this week:
-Midtown Carwash is a hard place to get to these days…they clean a car up just great, but it’s located near “Confusion Corner” to begin with…add in major road construction, and it takes (for me anyways) an unexpected detour into downtown to turn around and then try and retry to guess at the correct back roads to get there. When I paid, I commiserated with the owner about what business must be like. He acknowledged the hit his business has had…how many less cars they’ve washed—and it was a lot. The two day project has stretched into a week because of unexpected findings under the road. Just as I prepared myself to hear another speech about how awful the city is with summer construction, and to hear civil workers being criticized for laziness (we’ve all heard this rant many times), he says: “The guys though, they’ve been working incredibly hard…I admire what they are doing to get this project done”…able to see the effort even amongst the frustrating delays. The tension of frustration vs recognition of effort and good will of the other. Wow.
-a friend is looking for a job, rather than preparing for the birth of their baby. After the pregnancy loss, a return to work makes sense, even though her enthusiasm for job hunting competes for energy with her grief of late pregnancy loss. She is again disappointed at the job she really wanted didn’t happen, but is thankful that she received support from her husband to keep looking rather than accept a well paying but “soul sucking” job that was available. She has optimism that she’ll find something that makes going back to work worthwhile, even as she is quickly near tears when she thinks about the baby room that won’t soon be filled.
-I bumped into an acquaintance at the baseball game yesterday. She was there with her sister—her husband in hospital again. Complications from serious cancer have interrupted their summer. She lamented about the resistant infection and the violent reactions to chemotherapy, but celebrated the good days in between and is looking forward to a cabin getaway closeby that friends have provided. She expresses cheerful gratitude even as she laments seeing him struggle and the entire family affected.
It’s not easy to hold both realities as valid parts of experiencing life at the same time. But those that do teach me much—I am drawn to their vulnerability and I find their ability to engage with joys of life in the midst of the real struggles attractive to be around.
Not everyone can…some can see only the loss in life, and miss the opportunities to see beauty, redemption, humor in our world, which is almost always present in our world. Instead only the ugly darkness of failure, disappointment, and tragedy is seen. Darkness persists and perspective is elusive. Candles in the darkness are overlooked. Candlelight will dismissed, even ignored, with focus being exclusively on the darkness.
Others, even in the midst of extreme difficulty, have a cheerful outlook that minimizes the pain and doesn’t allow for grief and pain. They take away other’s ability to be sad around them as they focus only on the sunshine and the flowers, and not able to hold anger or disappointment in an authentic way. The smile seems naïve or false somehow. Chirpiness that seems out of place and hollow.
Some can hold the tension of both:
What I’ve witnessed this week:
-Midtown Carwash is a hard place to get to these days…they clean a car up just great, but it’s located near “Confusion Corner” to begin with…add in major road construction, and it takes (for me anyways) an unexpected detour into downtown to turn around and then try and retry to guess at the correct back roads to get there. When I paid, I commiserated with the owner about what business must be like. He acknowledged the hit his business has had…how many less cars they’ve washed—and it was a lot. The two day project has stretched into a week because of unexpected findings under the road. Just as I prepared myself to hear another speech about how awful the city is with summer construction, and to hear civil workers being criticized for laziness (we’ve all heard this rant many times), he says: “The guys though, they’ve been working incredibly hard…I admire what they are doing to get this project done”…able to see the effort even amongst the frustrating delays. The tension of frustration vs recognition of effort and good will of the other. Wow.
-a friend is looking for a job, rather than preparing for the birth of their baby. After the pregnancy loss, a return to work makes sense, even though her enthusiasm for job hunting competes for energy with her grief of late pregnancy loss. She is again disappointed at the job she really wanted didn’t happen, but is thankful that she received support from her husband to keep looking rather than accept a well paying but “soul sucking” job that was available. She has optimism that she’ll find something that makes going back to work worthwhile, even as she is quickly near tears when she thinks about the baby room that won’t soon be filled.
-I bumped into an acquaintance at the baseball game yesterday. She was there with her sister—her husband in hospital again. Complications from serious cancer have interrupted their summer. She lamented about the resistant infection and the violent reactions to chemotherapy, but celebrated the good days in between and is looking forward to a cabin getaway closeby that friends have provided. She expresses cheerful gratitude even as she laments seeing him struggle and the entire family affected.
It’s not easy to hold both realities as valid parts of experiencing life at the same time. But those that do teach me much—I am drawn to their vulnerability and I find their ability to engage with joys of life in the midst of the real struggles attractive to be around.
Therapy as a Biological Treatment
July 23rd, 2009 // By admin
I was reading on the Psychology Today website about a recent study that measured the effectiveness of therapy with clients.
PET (positive emission tomography) scans can differentiate the alterations in brain function between clients struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and control subjects, who do not have OCD. Scientists measured the changes in PET scans with people struggling with OCD after treatment . Some were treated only by medication (Prozac), and some were treated only by “talk therapy”. Dr. Aboujaoude reported in his blog that on follow up PET scans:
This doesn’t means that medication and counselling are interchangeable. In some cases, medication is necessary for a particular symptom or diagnosis.
However, it is compelling that counselling actually has a biological effect on a person’s brain. Counselling changes brain chemistry as people learn new tools and strategies to cope with issues they struggle with.
Reminds me of a time I can recall a time when, after a significant “light bulb moment”, a client was quiet and contemplative for some minutes, quietly staring out in the distance. Quiet uncharacteristic. I asked quietly: What’s happening? And the response: “I feel peaceful when I understand that. I feel like I just took a Valium.”
Even after all these years of being a therapist, I am still humbled by the incredible power of meaningful connection and effective dialogue in the counseling room.
PET (positive emission tomography) scans can differentiate the alterations in brain function between clients struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and control subjects, who do not have OCD. Scientists measured the changes in PET scans with people struggling with OCD after treatment . Some were treated only by medication (Prozac), and some were treated only by “talk therapy”. Dr. Aboujaoude reported in his blog that on follow up PET scans:
The results were essentially identical: both interventions decreased the rate of glucose metabolism to levels seen in healthy people without OCD, and the rate of the decrease seemed proportional to the degree of improvement in their OCD symptoms.
This doesn’t means that medication and counselling are interchangeable. In some cases, medication is necessary for a particular symptom or diagnosis.
However, it is compelling that counselling actually has a biological effect on a person’s brain. Counselling changes brain chemistry as people learn new tools and strategies to cope with issues they struggle with.
Reminds me of a time I can recall a time when, after a significant “light bulb moment”, a client was quiet and contemplative for some minutes, quietly staring out in the distance. Quiet uncharacteristic. I asked quietly: What’s happening? And the response: “I feel peaceful when I understand that. I feel like I just took a Valium.”
Even after all these years of being a therapist, I am still humbled by the incredible power of meaningful connection and effective dialogue in the counseling room.
Premarital Counselling- Like Winter Boots in July?!
July 19th, 2009 // By Carolyn
One of the advantages of loving books is that I've read so many interesting and riveting stories that come to me months or years later...however, as a result of being such a prolific reader, I can't always remember where the story came from. As I was driving along today, for some reason, I remembered a story but without the details. So, I apologize for the lack of specificity, but the point remains riveting.
During a time of extreme political difficulty, and racial oppression, in a country that was being run by corrupt officials, people were disappearing at a rapid rate--I'm thinking Stalinist Russia. Various people would be called by the officials and asked to report to the local office in the local village. A young woman was called to report into the officials in a few day's time...she was told that they would be going on a short trip and expect to be away for a while. Her father told her to wear her winter boots--the heavy, ultilitarian boots. It didn't make any sense--if she was to be walking all day long in the sweltering weather of June, it seemed like she was asking for trouble. However, it was a scary time, and she heeded her father's advice and wore those clunkers when she reported. The group she was in walked, and walked and walked...all of June, through the summer and fall, and into the winter. Little food was given, and people walked until they dropped...literally. Many dropped out and were left to die at the side of the road (or were shot). This woman made it to their final destination, the "labor camp", and eventually made it out safely after the war. She credits the boots for saving her life...many had light summer shoes that were walked to shreds long before they arrived, providing little protection against the brutal weather and difficult terrain.
Who would think to wear winter shoes in June? Her father knew something, and started getting her ready for challenges she would never have predicted or known about. The foresight saved her life.
I am not trivializing this woman's struggle when I compare this to premarital counselling...I am passionate about the significance of preparing for a quality, enduring, loving, and mutually enriching life long marriage. For couples starry-eyed with the new vibrancy of a life together, it can feel like putting on winter boots in June to go for premarital counselling…if it ain’t broke, why fix it?
No relationship is perfect…all relationships have stress points and cracks. Good will, love, and the fresh start can hide these and have them seem insignificant while preparing for the wedding. Add 10 years, some major unexpected bills, a cranky teething baby, and years of processing disagreements in patterns which aren’t working so well, and the cracks can turn into fissures, and eventually, impassable chasms.
Premarital counselling allows a couple to notice the cracks and stress points…and the strengths of the relationship…and do some planning for addressing those challenges, using the strengths they have, and the awareness they’ve developed to do some preventative maintenance. Proactive strategies that allow for healthy communication strategies make a difference.
If premarital counselling can reduce the divorce rate and increase marital satisfaction (which research says it does)…then it’s significance is truly lifesaving for the family. Married people live longer. Children whose parents stay together in life-giving marriages have greater chance of success in just about every area of their lives.
People spend thousands of dollars on the wedding day…Rich Bride, Poor Bride is eye opening to watch in that regard. Why not spend a few hundred bucks preparing for the marriage—for the years to come? Why not open yourself up to the opportunity to establish patterns that will strengthen the fibre of the most important relationship a person can have with another person?
During a time of extreme political difficulty, and racial oppression, in a country that was being run by corrupt officials, people were disappearing at a rapid rate--I'm thinking Stalinist Russia. Various people would be called by the officials and asked to report to the local office in the local village. A young woman was called to report into the officials in a few day's time...she was told that they would be going on a short trip and expect to be away for a while. Her father told her to wear her winter boots--the heavy, ultilitarian boots. It didn't make any sense--if she was to be walking all day long in the sweltering weather of June, it seemed like she was asking for trouble. However, it was a scary time, and she heeded her father's advice and wore those clunkers when she reported. The group she was in walked, and walked and walked...all of June, through the summer and fall, and into the winter. Little food was given, and people walked until they dropped...literally. Many dropped out and were left to die at the side of the road (or were shot). This woman made it to their final destination, the "labor camp", and eventually made it out safely after the war. She credits the boots for saving her life...many had light summer shoes that were walked to shreds long before they arrived, providing little protection against the brutal weather and difficult terrain.
Who would think to wear winter shoes in June? Her father knew something, and started getting her ready for challenges she would never have predicted or known about. The foresight saved her life.
I am not trivializing this woman's struggle when I compare this to premarital counselling...I am passionate about the significance of preparing for a quality, enduring, loving, and mutually enriching life long marriage. For couples starry-eyed with the new vibrancy of a life together, it can feel like putting on winter boots in June to go for premarital counselling…if it ain’t broke, why fix it?
No relationship is perfect…all relationships have stress points and cracks. Good will, love, and the fresh start can hide these and have them seem insignificant while preparing for the wedding. Add 10 years, some major unexpected bills, a cranky teething baby, and years of processing disagreements in patterns which aren’t working so well, and the cracks can turn into fissures, and eventually, impassable chasms.
Premarital counselling allows a couple to notice the cracks and stress points…and the strengths of the relationship…and do some planning for addressing those challenges, using the strengths they have, and the awareness they’ve developed to do some preventative maintenance. Proactive strategies that allow for healthy communication strategies make a difference.
If premarital counselling can reduce the divorce rate and increase marital satisfaction (which research says it does)…then it’s significance is truly lifesaving for the family. Married people live longer. Children whose parents stay together in life-giving marriages have greater chance of success in just about every area of their lives.
People spend thousands of dollars on the wedding day…Rich Bride, Poor Bride is eye opening to watch in that regard. Why not spend a few hundred bucks preparing for the marriage—for the years to come? Why not open yourself up to the opportunity to establish patterns that will strengthen the fibre of the most important relationship a person can have with another person?
Being Treasured--The dream of every Cinderella
July 16th, 2009 // By Carolyn
There is a little bit of Cinderella in each of us...a part that feels a little ugly, but earnestly wants to be treasured--to be highly valued by those we value.
For those of you who are parents, watch this video to be reminded of the importance of treasuring each moment with your child. Remind yourself of the delight you have in enjoying the simple moments of the day with your child..and share that delight with your child...this will be a rare and precious gift that you can lavish on your child. Every child loves to be the apple of a parent's eye. Know that it takes conscious effort to be fully present to enjoy the energy of a child at the end of a long day--but when you are able to value the moment--to laugh at the silliness, console a child's sadness, or to calm a fear, you capture the very essence of all the best it is to be a parent.
For those of you who have a little corner of you that, in a simple childlike way, just want to feel loved, listen and feel the love of the father for his children in this song. Feel it for yourself, and picture that song is being sung about you. Many who read this will be among those who long to feel incredibly special for someone.
Know that you are special and valued today.
For those of you who are parents, watch this video to be reminded of the importance of treasuring each moment with your child. Remind yourself of the delight you have in enjoying the simple moments of the day with your child..and share that delight with your child...this will be a rare and precious gift that you can lavish on your child. Every child loves to be the apple of a parent's eye. Know that it takes conscious effort to be fully present to enjoy the energy of a child at the end of a long day--but when you are able to value the moment--to laugh at the silliness, console a child's sadness, or to calm a fear, you capture the very essence of all the best it is to be a parent.
For those of you who have a little corner of you that, in a simple childlike way, just want to feel loved, listen and feel the love of the father for his children in this song. Feel it for yourself, and picture that song is being sung about you. Many who read this will be among those who long to feel incredibly special for someone.
Know that you are special and valued today.
Barbara Walters: Struggling to Believe in Herself
July 12th, 2009 // By Carolyn
I thought I’d try listening to a book on CD while I was driving in the car. The library had “Audition” by Barbara Walters.
I’ve been listening to Audition by Barbara Walters on CD while I’ve been driving in the car lately. I was struck by how ordinary some of her story was, even amongst the extraordinary bits of interviews with world leaders and leading entertainment figures.
Her memoir is entitled “Audition” because of her feeling that she was always performing, hoping that she would “make it” with others, be accepted, or be allowed to continue working. Reminds me of when I hear people say, “I don’t feel like I can relax and be me. I feel like I’m performing when I’m around people”.
Barbara grew up as the little sister of a Jackie, a developmentally delayed girl. Jackie was kept at home, had a stuttering problem, and had no social network of her own. Barbara had no birthday parties and rarely had friends over out of a family perception that Jackie wouldn’t be understood and the entire family would be judged. The social environment of that time was inclusive of people with different abilities and in protecting Jackie from critical and curious eyes, they fell into a position of hiding her and then feeling like they had something to hide..
Later on, when she was older, she would be asked to take Jackie with her on a date or out with friends, because her mother saw Jackie as exceedingly lonely. Barbara was in a “double bind”—take her along and feel ashamed and embarassed, or leave her at home and feel ashamed and guilty. No win—Barbara felt awful either way.
Barbara studied acting in college—her dad got her an audition with a major play. Barbara was excited until a few days before when she realized that she might try out and not get the part. Out of a feeling that she couldn’t handle the shame and rejection of a failed audition, she didn’t even attend it—she was too anxious about it not turning out well. Reminds me of when I hear people want something, but the fear of failure (and the underlying assumption of how that is an intolerable judgement on one's own character) stops them from even trying.
Although she is not nervous in interviews with famous people (having grown up with celebrities in her home at times because of her father’s occupation—and having seen how they are human and struggling like everyone else), she does work herself incredibly hard, taking on huge tasks of multiple assignments. The reason? Anticipating that at any time, it would all end, and she would be unemployed—feeling the pressure to make money while she can. She didn't trust herself to remain gainfully employed over the long term.
This is Barbara Walters, one of the best known interviewers of our time—and she fears unemployment—it shapes her life. The weight of knowing she must provide for her vulnerable sister always and the insecurity she has in her ability do so is what she describes, is the defining factor. "Self esteem" doesn't come up once (so far-I haven't finished it) in this memoir, but there are ways in which this uber confident professional woman struggles with the way she sees herself personally.
I’ve been listening to Audition by Barbara Walters on CD while I’ve been driving in the car lately. I was struck by how ordinary some of her story was, even amongst the extraordinary bits of interviews with world leaders and leading entertainment figures.
Her memoir is entitled “Audition” because of her feeling that she was always performing, hoping that she would “make it” with others, be accepted, or be allowed to continue working. Reminds me of when I hear people say, “I don’t feel like I can relax and be me. I feel like I’m performing when I’m around people”.
Barbara grew up as the little sister of a Jackie, a developmentally delayed girl. Jackie was kept at home, had a stuttering problem, and had no social network of her own. Barbara had no birthday parties and rarely had friends over out of a family perception that Jackie wouldn’t be understood and the entire family would be judged. The social environment of that time was inclusive of people with different abilities and in protecting Jackie from critical and curious eyes, they fell into a position of hiding her and then feeling like they had something to hide..
Later on, when she was older, she would be asked to take Jackie with her on a date or out with friends, because her mother saw Jackie as exceedingly lonely. Barbara was in a “double bind”—take her along and feel ashamed and embarassed, or leave her at home and feel ashamed and guilty. No win—Barbara felt awful either way.
Barbara studied acting in college—her dad got her an audition with a major play. Barbara was excited until a few days before when she realized that she might try out and not get the part. Out of a feeling that she couldn’t handle the shame and rejection of a failed audition, she didn’t even attend it—she was too anxious about it not turning out well. Reminds me of when I hear people want something, but the fear of failure (and the underlying assumption of how that is an intolerable judgement on one's own character) stops them from even trying.
Although she is not nervous in interviews with famous people (having grown up with celebrities in her home at times because of her father’s occupation—and having seen how they are human and struggling like everyone else), she does work herself incredibly hard, taking on huge tasks of multiple assignments. The reason? Anticipating that at any time, it would all end, and she would be unemployed—feeling the pressure to make money while she can. She didn't trust herself to remain gainfully employed over the long term.
This is Barbara Walters, one of the best known interviewers of our time—and she fears unemployment—it shapes her life. The weight of knowing she must provide for her vulnerable sister always and the insecurity she has in her ability do so is what she describes, is the defining factor. "Self esteem" doesn't come up once (so far-I haven't finished it) in this memoir, but there are ways in which this uber confident professional woman struggles with the way she sees herself personally.
Compassion for the unfaithful??
July 7th, 2009 // By admin
When there has been an unfaithfulness in a relationship, it signifies a break in the covenant made on the wedding day to remain faithful to each other…that is a problem. Not a little one, either. A big problem.
However, it is often a symptom of something else. Seeing it as a symptom doesn’t make the problem acceptable, but it does help with understanding—always an important step in moving forward. And if a relationship is going to be repaired after an affair, understanding is an important ingredient in the mix.
These aren’t “good reasons” to have an affair, but along with the powerful reaction that anybody has when newly attracted to the opposite sex , the pull is incredible, and can feel, at the time, overpowering. (The sexual pull of a new relationship is compared to drug use for good reason—the brain is bathed in the same neurotransmitters as occurs when one might with street drugs).
Think about how attractive it is…an affair is a dream of what “might be”. That will always win over “what is”—including work deadlines, mortgage payments, teething babies, and bad breath. A relationship when the other looks at you with stars in the eyes and utter trust and wonder, rather than disappointment and a spirit of criticism because of how you didn’t follow through on getting the basement done, cutting back on your work hours or your drinking habits.
It’s difficult for someone to understand (in the heady, drunk-with-the-attraction moment) this powerful feeling of being loved, understood and accepted isn’t something that will last indefinitely, but is part of the inevitable infatuation of a new relationship that is unemcumbered by the daily realities of a real life.
It can seem so clear when the guilt takes over, when the secret is found out, and reality hits…something like, “I could lose all the years of history with someone, the parent of my children, the sharer of my dreams, the one who not only causes me stress and grief, but has loved me through thick and thin-unlike any other.”
It might be difficult for a spouse who has been cheated on to hear me say: in amongst the anger, outrage, betrayal and fear, it is important to find a place of curiousity to find out the circumstances that existed that allowed an environment where the affair occurred…to allow the offending individual to understand themselves and be understood, to have room for growth in new way, and to recognize the patterns in the relationship that made it vulnerable to infidelity. The curiosity can develop into a sense of compassion and understanding which paves the way to reconciliation…it doesn’t replace the anger and sadness, but co-exists with it in a way that allows for the relationship to be rebuilt.
Curiosity, (followed by empathy and understanding) allows infidelity to be seen as not only a problem of something unacceptable, but also a symptom of something else—and the door is opened to restoration.
However, it is often a symptom of something else. Seeing it as a symptom doesn’t make the problem acceptable, but it does help with understanding—always an important step in moving forward. And if a relationship is going to be repaired after an affair, understanding is an important ingredient in the mix.
A powerful politician has a need to find a place where he can let go of the responsibility and heaviness that life places on him. He feels there is no safe place in his life where he can escape from the pressures and expectations. He places pressure on himself to be strong and brave for all—including his wife.
A woman who has had fathers, brothers, and husband be rough on her, minimizing her throughout her life, and generally has felt "pushed around" by men. When a younger, sensitive, very gentle man comes along, she gets sucked in.
These aren’t “good reasons” to have an affair, but along with the powerful reaction that anybody has when newly attracted to the opposite sex , the pull is incredible, and can feel, at the time, overpowering. (The sexual pull of a new relationship is compared to drug use for good reason—the brain is bathed in the same neurotransmitters as occurs when one might with street drugs).
Think about how attractive it is…an affair is a dream of what “might be”. That will always win over “what is”—including work deadlines, mortgage payments, teething babies, and bad breath. A relationship when the other looks at you with stars in the eyes and utter trust and wonder, rather than disappointment and a spirit of criticism because of how you didn’t follow through on getting the basement done, cutting back on your work hours or your drinking habits.
It’s difficult for someone to understand (in the heady, drunk-with-the-attraction moment) this powerful feeling of being loved, understood and accepted isn’t something that will last indefinitely, but is part of the inevitable infatuation of a new relationship that is unemcumbered by the daily realities of a real life.
It can seem so clear when the guilt takes over, when the secret is found out, and reality hits…something like, “I could lose all the years of history with someone, the parent of my children, the sharer of my dreams, the one who not only causes me stress and grief, but has loved me through thick and thin-unlike any other.”
It might be difficult for a spouse who has been cheated on to hear me say: in amongst the anger, outrage, betrayal and fear, it is important to find a place of curiousity to find out the circumstances that existed that allowed an environment where the affair occurred…to allow the offending individual to understand themselves and be understood, to have room for growth in new way, and to recognize the patterns in the relationship that made it vulnerable to infidelity. The curiosity can develop into a sense of compassion and understanding which paves the way to reconciliation…it doesn’t replace the anger and sadness, but co-exists with it in a way that allows for the relationship to be rebuilt.
Curiosity, (followed by empathy and understanding) allows infidelity to be seen as not only a problem of something unacceptable, but also a symptom of something else—and the door is opened to restoration.
Boundaries and Connectedness after Infidelity
July 5th, 2009 // By Carolyn
I admire Jenny Sandford, Mark Sandford's wife. Mark Sandford is the governor of South Carolina. Mark Sandford's infidelity with an ongoing relationship with another woman was splashed across the headlines is the last few weeks. She lets us in enough to know that in private is dealing with the devastating effects of her husband's infidelity, but she is publicly being admired all over the country for her approach to how she is relating to her husband. Watch:
She is able to extend grace and understanding, without excusing or dismissing his actions, and her own pain and anger (that's right, women--she is angry and is OK with having the world know about it!) She made a statement, that said in part:
She is able to extend grace and understanding, without excusing or dismissing his actions, and her own pain and anger (that's right, women--she is angry and is OK with having the world know about it!) She made a statement, that said in part:
There is no question that Mark’s behavior is inexcusable. Actions have consequences and he will be dealing with those consequences for a long while. Trust has been broken and will need to be rebuilt. Mark will need to earn back that trust, first and foremost with his family, and also with the people of South Carolina.She seems to have a handle on the challenging road that needs to happen ahead, as she and her husband, Mark, work through the yuck of his actions, and as they confront the marriage that set the stage for his actions. The ability to be in tune with her own self, and operate from a position of confidence, letting her husband's issues remain his, but being supportive and connecting in ways that make sense to her are remarkable. So often in times of crisis (see earlier posts on anxiety) people swing to an extreme--pretending it's not such a big deal and moving forward without properly aknowledging the devastation OR cutting off all possibility of reconciliation, not able to hear the partner's bids for the marital relationship, and dismissing the partner's pain and guilt as irrelevant. I'd like to meet her!The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. We have been deeply disappointed in and even angry at Mark. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin.“ (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one’s energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time. My forgiveness is essential for us both to move on with our lives, with peace, in whatever direction that may take us.
Desmond Tutu said “forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew.“ Forgiveness opens the door for Mark to begin to work privately, humbly and respectfully toward reconciliation with me. However, to achieve true reconciliation will take time, involve repentance, and will not be easy.
Pain and Grace in Infidelity
July 1st, 2009 // By Carolyn
South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, was forced to make his affair with an Argentinian woman public after he disappeared for several days. Apparently, it's not a good idea to tell your staff you are going to the Appalachians and then actually go to Argentina without being reachable. People get concerned and start asking nosy questions.
That's the tough part about infidelity...the lies pile up, it gets harder and more burdensome to keep everything straight, and the guilt of spending time with one when you are committed to another is difficult. However, that pales in comparison to the brutal level of guilt that one faces when the rawness of a betrayal consumes your spouse. I've seen it unfold in front of my eyes—a spouse’s eyes change when s/he hears that the other has been intimate with another person, and it is gruesome to see... And then to watch the spouse who has cheated--to know that you've hurt your life partner, the parent of your children, the one who you've spent more time with anybody else...to see your partner in this uber-level of extreme pain and KNOW that YOU created that pain...well, that's hard for me to witness, too.
What I have found interesting about the governor’s infidelity, is not his story, but his wife’s story. Notice Jenny Sanford is not in the video…this was something he got himself into, and she didn’t “stand by her man” during the announcement. She didn’t want to be there, and she wasn’t (likely facing pressure from strategists to do so as others have faced in the past). And she issued this statement:
She’s known about this for some time, and was and is actively working on this relationship with her husband. While we can’t really know what is happening between them, what I honor is that publically she is being very respectful towards herself and acknowledging her own anger, betrayal, and grief, while also avoiding sudden permanent decisions that are too soon to make. I honor that she is willing to look at the years of history they share, the depth of the bond that has been created, and the effect of this on their children, and be open to repairing the relationship. I appreciate that she is able to deal with the reality of the fracture in the marriage, face it, but also allow for forgiveness and redemption, recognizing that this takes time and effort to explore and pursue. They have work to do, hard work, that will ultimately shape their future.
What I’m don’t honor is the news articles that ask us to vote on whether they should stay together or divorce…that is none of the public’s business, nor is it something we could possibly presume to respond to with any level of integrity. The issue of infidelity, their relationship, and all the dynamics involved make this an issue that only 2 people in this world can figure out. I pray that they will be thoughtful, seek to be understanding, experience growth (that will be painful in the moment, I'm sure), and make wise decisions with support of friends, family, and professional therapy as needed.
That's the tough part about infidelity...the lies pile up, it gets harder and more burdensome to keep everything straight, and the guilt of spending time with one when you are committed to another is difficult. However, that pales in comparison to the brutal level of guilt that one faces when the rawness of a betrayal consumes your spouse. I've seen it unfold in front of my eyes—a spouse’s eyes change when s/he hears that the other has been intimate with another person, and it is gruesome to see... And then to watch the spouse who has cheated--to know that you've hurt your life partner, the parent of your children, the one who you've spent more time with anybody else...to see your partner in this uber-level of extreme pain and KNOW that YOU created that pain...well, that's hard for me to witness, too.
What I have found interesting about the governor’s infidelity, is not his story, but his wife’s story. Notice Jenny Sanford is not in the video…this was something he got himself into, and she didn’t “stand by her man” during the announcement. She didn’t want to be there, and she wasn’t (likely facing pressure from strategists to do so as others have faced in the past). And she issued this statement:
I would like to start by saying I love my husband and I believe I have put forth every effort possible to be the best wife I can be during our almost 20 years of marriage.
As well, for the last 15 years my husband has been fully engaged in public service to the citizens and taxpayers of this state and I have faithfully supported him in those efforts to the best of my ability. I have been and remain proud of his accomplishments and his service to this state.
I personally believe that the greatest legacy I will leave behind in this world is not the job I held on Wall Street, or the campaigns I managed for Mark, or the work I have done as First Lady or even the philanthropic activities in which I have been routinely engaged.
Instead, the greatest legacy I will leave in this world is the character of the children I, or we, leave behind. It is for that reason that I deeply regret the recent actions of my husband, Mark, and their potential damage to our children.
I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions.
When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage.
We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.
This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage.
During this short separation it was agreed that Mark would not contact us. I kept this separation quiet out of respect of his public office and reputation, and in hopes of keeping our children from just this type of public exposure.
Because of this separation, I did not know where he was in the past week.
I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.
Psalm 127 states that sons are a gift from the Lord and children a reward from Him.
I will continue to pour my energy into raising our sons to be honorable young men.
I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions and to welcome him back, in time, if he continues to work toward reconciliation with a true spirit of humility and repentance.
She’s known about this for some time, and was and is actively working on this relationship with her husband. While we can’t really know what is happening between them, what I honor is that publically she is being very respectful towards herself and acknowledging her own anger, betrayal, and grief, while also avoiding sudden permanent decisions that are too soon to make. I honor that she is willing to look at the years of history they share, the depth of the bond that has been created, and the effect of this on their children, and be open to repairing the relationship. I appreciate that she is able to deal with the reality of the fracture in the marriage, face it, but also allow for forgiveness and redemption, recognizing that this takes time and effort to explore and pursue. They have work to do, hard work, that will ultimately shape their future.
What I’m don’t honor is the news articles that ask us to vote on whether they should stay together or divorce…that is none of the public’s business, nor is it something we could possibly presume to respond to with any level of integrity. The issue of infidelity, their relationship, and all the dynamics involved make this an issue that only 2 people in this world can figure out. I pray that they will be thoughtful, seek to be understanding, experience growth (that will be painful in the moment, I'm sure), and make wise decisions with support of friends, family, and professional therapy as needed.
