November 2009

"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more,

and those who fear to love often find that

want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life."

In the Christian church, the four weeks preceding Christmas is a time called "Advent"--the church says it is a time of preparing heart for Christ's arrival at Christmas.  For most, it is a frenetic time of shopping, parties, decorating and brainstorming about what to get the person "that has everything".

The Meeting Place is a pretty cool downtown church in Winnipeg, that is promoting an idea called "The Advent Conspiracy"

Advent Conspiracy '09 (TMP Promo) from TMP Vids on Vimeo.

You don't have to be a Jesus believer to see how the machine of consumerism has hijacked this season.  I like the ideas of focusing back on relationships and connection, with family, and with others in this world that go without.  Connecting with those close to us is important--my life's work is to help people connect more effectively with those they long to be close to, and to create an ability to be a safe and comfortable place for themselves and others to be around.

Connecting with others whom we don't know but who are a part of our local community--well that's important too. The grasp of fresh and safe drinking water for all the world is so within reach when it is compared to the nation's annual Christmas shopping budget.

This Christmas, my family will have our annual "Christmas stocking extravaganza experience"...a long title for an annual event that involves an evening of hanging out together doing one fun thing after another--a decision we made years ago to focus on time together instead of "stuff".  We will also be contributing to the possibility of fresh drinking water for some distant cousins in the global family, for whom a fresh cold glass of H2O is a gift that gives life.

What will you do in your own private conspiracy to pour lifegiving water into your relationships?  Might it even include pouring lifegiving water into someone else's cup?

All growth depends upon activity.  There is no development physically or

intellectually without effort, and effort means work

Went to a fabulous concert this evening…performed by the children of the Mulli Children’s Family from Kenya. Un-buh-leev-able! Strong and tight harmonies, very well spoken and confident kids…they had SO much life in their eyes.
Mulli Children’s Family is a place where over 2000 children live, learn and are loved. Charles Mulli, a man himself abandoned as a 6 year old knows what it is like to be homeless and hungry. After years on the street, he slowly worked his way up, eventually becoming an enormously successful businessman. He, his wife, and their children are now spending their lives helping kids in a country ravaged by drought, poverty, and HIV/AIDS.
Cool things about MCF:

• They were on being increasingly self sustaining. They provide employment to 600 people in the area harvesting green beans for use for themselves and for export. This has become a challenge during the 3 year drought…the river bed is literally totally dry. They now not only figure out how to feed the 2000 kids in their family, but also now feed thousands of people in the area daily. They help out those around them...even when they have more than 2000 of their own mouths to feed.  WOW.
  
• They’ve got a bunch of their kids in university. The fellow who gave his story tonight has his sights on being a professor of medicine…nobody’s laughing cuz it’s not a fantasy, it’s a plan. These kids are raised to be happy and grateful...mindful that they will have the opportunity to "pay it forward" by becoming educated and making a difference in their country.
  
• The plan of MCF is FEEL: Feed, Educate, Empower, and Love. These kids are loved and they know it.

One of the cool stories I’ve heard? When they first bring a child to MCF, they recognize that being on the streets, being vulnerable to violence and wondering where the next meal will come from creates a sense of anxiety and fear that doesn’t go away. When the child first comes, rather than put the child in school right away, they let the child work in the kitchen. This is in recognition that the child will be too anxious to learn…by working in the kitchen, the child will have a chance to see the food be present, will have (and be allowed) to take the opportunity to snack a little as they help prepare the food—this grazing will allow the child to relax and after 2 or 3 months, is then calm enough to be able to attend class and learn

The children are encouraged by the counsellor to tell their stories—many of them have histories rife with violence, sexual abuse, physical abuse, parental death, poverty and hunger. They are told that when they tell their stories, their heart will be better able to be healed…and that telling their stories to each other will encourage other children to tell their stories, and then they will experience healing. A spokeswoman for the orphanage says: "It might be painful for you to hear his story tonight.  You might wonder if it is good for him to share.  He shares because it is healing for him.  He shares to show you his courage to tell his story.  He shares so that you might be encouraged to find your own courage to talk about what hurts you so that you can do healing work too."  Cool.

They not only are victors of their circumstance, they are fun too.  A small taste of what we saw yesterday:


It was standing room only as we watched the children dance, do acrobatics and sing…reminding us of the importance of connection we have with each other as citizens of the world, calling us to be aware of what is going on in other parts of the world, calling us to work for healing in our own lives, and giving us a great time. 

Thanx, MCF children, for teaching and inspiring me about life, love, courage with the beauty of your performance today.

 

Don't wait until everything is just right.  It will never be perfect.  There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions.  So what.  Get started now. 

With each step you'll take, you'll grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self confident and more and more successful.

Mark Victor Hansen

Amaryllis update:  This amaryllis has been busy (or at least I imagine it has been) with getting comfy in the pot, getting all systems below the soil ready to take in the moisture and nutrients needed to start shooting up.    While it is only marginally taller than when I first planted it, it is definitely greener with a few leaves shooting up from inside the first blond sprouts that were there a few weeks ago.

All systems are "GO" to get this baby blooming.  More updates to follow!

You wouldn’t think I would be one to add fuel to the fire that mocks therapists, and adds leveraget to those who think cynically about counselling/psychotherapy. But, I’m let you all in on some potentially incriminating information, for a reason…

 As Dr. Norcross was trying to help us think realistically about ourselves as therapists at a workshop last week, he outlined the results of a study in which thousands of therapists were interviewed (yes, thousands, a large study sample). Researchers found:

• 25% of therapists see themselves in the top 10% of therapists in the field. Seems it’s a disproportionately crowded at the top! J

• 100% of these thousands of therapists saw themselves in the top 50% of therapists in the field. That’s right, folks, it’s not only just a little lonely at the bottom, it’s completely empty. There are no therapists who would describe themselves as being in the bottom 50% of practicing therapists. Do the math. It doesn’t work.

So apparently my profession isn’t very good at being insightful into their own performance…half of us overrate ourselves--substantially. Ouch. 

Really. OUCH.

What’s particularly poignant about this, is that the evidence suggests that the outcome of therapy has little to do with how the therapist perceives therapy is going. The number one indicator of the likelihood that a successful experience of counselling? The CLIENT’S perspective on how well the therapy is going, and how effective the therapy can be.

At Bergen & Associates Counselling , we are working to be very deliberate in discovering the client’s experience of therapy. The evidence suggests that as we work to adapt and adjust counselling sessions in such a way that the client feels they are effective and that the therapists adjusts stylistically to help the client feel connected, the course of therapy will require less sessions and produce a better outcome. I’m all over that!

So, more on that in the coming months…we are rolling out a program that will allow us to continually tweak the sessions and what we do in therapy so as to make it maximally effective for each client.

Anyways, this got me to thinking…I work to be effective in my life—I try hard at it. But…perhaps the same principle applies here. I started imagining how I might think I am being a good family member to the very important people in my life, but actually don’t know if my efforts are being perceived the way I think they are. How would I know, without feedback?

So, borrowing off a colleague’s suggestion of  a “thorns and roses” approach to gathering feedback from others, at our regular Monday supper family meeting, I invited people to comment on my role in the family in a candid way…asking them to give me “roses comments” for the things that meant a lot to them, that they perceived as helpful, and “thorns comments” for the things they thought I could do better on. 

 It was kind of a cool experience, even though I held my breath going in. 

• My family appreciates me in ways which are surprising. I know now how much they value things that I do, that I didn’t even realize were significant—I can do more of those. 
  
• Some things that I place huge effort in, they didn’t see as hugely important—that’s good to know. I can let some of those things go. 
• Turns out they saw my internal stress the last couple of days more than I thought they might—oops…guess I’m not as good at protecting them from it as I might be…gotta work on my internal stress level so as not to have it spill over onto them. 
• I find out that my propensity to turn the heat down at night is not as much of a humourous joke as I thought it was—it changes the way they feel at home…maybe I’ll compromise on this “green strategy” a little and find another way to contribute towards saving our planet.

 I wonder if many of us don’t over rate our performance as a spouse/friend/parent…but have never “checked it out” to know how we are perceived by others. 

What if we all are overrating our ability to relate meaningfully to the ones around us?

 Do you know what it is in how you relate to others that is positive? Do you have a sense of what it is that you do that negatively impacts your relationship?

 Do you just blame the other for misunderstanding your attempts, or can you hear feedback and modify your behavior in such a way as to be responsive to the people you care about. Can you increase your effectiveness as a mom/dad/brother/aunt/grandpa/friend by finding out what would be valuable to the other and have that matter?

 Couple of provisos:

• If you’re gonna ask for feedback, you gotta do it in such a way that you let the other person know you genuinely want the “roses and thorns”.  It's hard to believe someone that they are really open--help them understand your genuine attempt to invite candid feedback
  
• Thorn messages can be hard to hear…work to be open, constructive with the feedback, calmly hear the “nuggets of truth” and find ways of being gracious to person about the stuff that isn’t constructive.
• “Thorn comments” are not reasons to beat yourself up, but information for learning opportunities about what is meaningful to the other. 
• This is not about changing yourself into being exactly who you think the other person needs you to be at the expense of being yourself. This is about finding ways to showing the love and caring you have in more effective ways to the people you care about. 
  
• Ensure that follow up conversation doesn’t have the other person regret letting them know of their perceptions…throwing it back in their face in an argument, blaming them for what they’ve said, and so on. 
• Set it up thoughtfully, so that it is a “win/win” situation.

So…before you laugh too hard at us therapist-types for overrating ourselves…work at living an examined life as you relate to others around you, and see what surprises you might find about how effectively you relate to the others around you.

It's too easy to forget the positives when the stress and challenge of the day are so present.  When discouraged and frustrated, it's time to shift the focus and see the rewards in balance.

Blog readers will suffer the effects of "workshop-itis" that I have. You know what I mean...someone goes to a workshop, and suddenly all they can talk about is what they learned at the workshop, like all other previous learning and work pales in comparison to this "brand new stuff" (which is often just a fresh way of repeating well known ideas) I make no apologies--I've got it.

John Norcross, a well known and respected psychologist, who provided a day long workshop to therapist-types last week, presented 12 evidence based strategies that have been proven to be effective for therapists.  As he wryly pointed out, therapists are people too, and so what works for therapists, works for others.

Research suggests that when people refocus their vision on the rewards of a task or role, rather than mainly focusing on the difficulties or problems, that a person's energy changes.  Reminding oneself of what is life-giving,thrilling, enjoyable, inspiring, super-neat, uplifting, rejuvenating, exciting, pleasant, vital, meaningful, profound, uber-cool, life-sustaining changes us.  We get more energy, find the joy, are inspired, and approach the task as changed people.  People who are up for the task, who can do it with vigor, who are creative and innovative, who produce better work, and are able to see the value of the task.

A few ideas to get you started from the afternoon's discussion:

• Re-experience the privileges:  Dr. Norcross went around to the 15 or so tables in the room, and had people call out what the privileges of being a therapist are.  In less than 2 minutes, we were reminded of 15 different reasons why it is awesome to be a therapist.  Smiles increased immediately.
• Notice the life rewards:  What are the rewards for what we do?  How incredible it is to know that we help people shift their lives in positive directions!  It's cool work to be involved in people's lives at important crossroads.  We grow as people as clients talk about what challenges them--we are also challenged.
• Feel the career/role satisfaction:  What do you find satisfying in what you do?  What did you find satisfying when you first started?
• Practice the mental set:  Dr. Norcross said that he starts out the day playing a mental video in his mind of clients he has worked with that he has found rewarding to work with, and had successful outcomes. He "rolls through" his "videotape" in his imagination in a soothing and memorable order to start his day of therapy...joking that he almost charges into the waiting room to get his first client of the day, eager to see what the day holds.
• Gratitude attitude:  It's easy to forget how much we have to be grateful for.  When we work from a position of gratitude, rather than entitlement, our spirit lifts.

I am reminded of a conversation I had recently with an acquaintance.  She said she had asked her friend to say something about her husband...and the friend had expounded on her incredible guy, extolling the support she received from him, the way he helped her, the fun they had together, the nice times of closeness they enjoyed.  When she spoke with that friend a week or two later, the friend talked about how hearing herself speak so positively about her own husband had her realize how she had been spending too much time grumping, sniping, complaining...hearing herself respond out of her true feelings for her husband to another was a was a way she refocused on the rewards. She found herself relating to him with greater warmth and enjoyed him more, merely after listening to her own heart.

Spend some time thinking about the rewards in the challenging areas of your life today--as a spouse, a student, a parent, an employee, a friend.  Keep those in focus as you go about your day.

“To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order;

to put the nation in order, we must put the family in order;

to put the family in order, we must cultivate our personal life; and

to cultivate our personal life, we must first set our hearts right.”

It's a beautiful, fall, raking kind of day today.  One of our colleagues, Tara Sheppard, has declared fall her favorite time of the year.  There's a little part of me that gets that...the ability to walk calf deep in crunchy leaves in the quiet cool dark evenings is a treat.  The red cups at Starbucks, along with their gingerbread lattes have emerged.  And we are in that brief but wonderful time of the city year where most construction projects are completed and we don't yet have ice on the roads to slow us down.  It actually doesn't take too long to get to where you want to go in Winnipeg these days.

Ahhh...but winter is in the air.  I know that in a few weeks, we'll be covered in an endless expanse of the chilly white stuff, and then comes the extra work of plugging the car in, letting it warm up before we drive off, and thinking twice about how important it really is to have milk for breakfast the following morning...because the two blocks to the store suddenly seems really far to walk.

My soul gets hungry for color in the white winter, when walks down streets with colorful gardens aren't an option.  There is so much bleak whiteness (which actually has a lot of gritty muddiness thrown in) in winter.

One of the common things in counselling, when the core of an issue is discussed, is begin to develop strategies that accept the reality that is, and can't be changed, but equip a person to deal with it.  So, I've been asking myself, "So, what are you going to do to find ways to relate well to winter?"

Hence, my amaryllis:

No soft pinks, or gentle whites for me.  The box has these huge fire-engine red blooms that let's me know I can expect beautiful fiery red blooms 6 inches across in about 6 weeks or so. And it's going to say a cheery "hello" to me from my dining room table when I come in from a blustery white day, and it's gonna feel GOOD to see it.

That's the thing about coping strategies.  You gotta prepare them for the anticipated times of challenge well before the challenge hits.  I gotta water this baby occasionally over the coming weeks to get it ready--and get to enjoy the anticipation of how it's gonna light up the room when I know I'm going to need it to be there for me.  That's the challenge with coping strategies--to come up with them in the moment of crisis can be difficult, if not impossible.  The coping strategy often needs practice, development, nurture, or be around long enough to become habit forming, so when the difficult time comes, there is no thinking or planning required--it's right there waiting for you, ready to help.

What challenges are you anticipating?  What reality do you deal with that is difficult?  What do you need to do to survive--or even thrive?  Do you need to talk to someone to help you develop some coping strategies?  Consider an appointment with a counsellor if the strategies you might use elude you.

• do you need to prepare some ways of phrasing difficult ideas for a challenging conversation that you can anticipate (or have even been putting off) having with a colleague or a spouse?
• do you need to develop some ways of dealing with anxiety in a certain stressful situation--because avoiding it isn't going to work forever?
• is the winter a time of lower mood--Seasonal Affective Disorder?  Have you investigated the strategies that could work to make a difficult time of year less of a challenge?

Having strategies to cope doesn't take away the stress of a situation, but it can make the difference between coping to surviving, or surviving to thriving.

Isn't it nice to be loved?  For big reasons, small reasons, or even no reason at all, other than you are you.  The craving we have to be loved and appreciated, validated and enjoyed is a universal human phenomenon. 

There's something quite lovely about being as appreciated as enthusiastically, as richly, as authentically, as practically and as humbly by someone as much a child is about her new pink boots (and even, or maybe even especially, if it is said in an "over the shoulder, I'm busy" kind of way):

We all long to be loved.  We all need to love--in little, big, ordinary, spectacular, warm, cuddly, official, practical, spontaneous, and planned ways. 

Go, let someone know that they are loved by you.

I apologize for my lack of recent blog postings...I had some sort of viral bug last week.  Anything that absolutely didn't need to get done...didn't.  I'm back on the mend now...or at least I've decided that is going to be my approach this week.

Here is a picture of an orientation session that Melanie is having with Carolyne, our newest addition to the Bergen & Associates Counselling team.  Melanie, our office manager, works four days per week, allowing her to take her parents to appointments and generally taking care of herself--lunch with friends.  She practices what we preach--self care.  We can all learn something from her. That left us without someone dedicated to answer phones...inquiries about counselling, appointment changes and so forth

We found Carolyne, a Winnipegger at heart who, after meandering with her family to live in various places, has found her way back to Winnipeg.  Carolyne has been with us for just over a month, with a lot of experience working with clients in various government and banking programs.  We are thrilled to have her.  Her last boss is not thrilled that we have her, but I think would be pleased that she has found a place to use her great skills. Carolyne Nickel is working Thursdays with us, and may pick up extra hours from time to time.  In an amazingly short amount of time, she has picked up on all sorts of details to provide our clients with the information they need.

In addition to work at Bergen and Associates Counselling, Carolyne is busy with studies on a part time basis, as well as having an active family.

It's been a little interesting for me to have Carolyne around.  Though she has an extra "e" on the end, our names are pronounced the same...I can't remember ever having worked so closely with someone with the same name.  I'm suspecting there will be the odd confusion as we sort out which Carolyn/e people are looking to speak to.

Welcome, Carolyne!  I trust that your time at Bergen and Associates will be ones in which all involved are richer for the experience.  May it be life-giving for you!