February 2010

"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved."

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.

There are times when something works, but isn't a sustainable realistic solution.Think about that. 

One of my favorite questions, which usually gets a good chuckle in therapy, is "So...how's that workin'for ya?"

I was at Costco a few weeks ago, when a Good Samaritan passing by let me know that the passenger side rear tire was low. I don’t go around that side of the car really, and so I really appreciated his noticing and telling me.

Well, he was being polite. It wasn’t just low, I think it was close to flat. I drove slowly and carefully to the Coop gas station close by, and they filled it up for me. They checked to make sure it had the right pressure. Let me know I should check it frequently over the next while in case it had a slow leak…the other tires had normal pressure when we made sure they were OK.

I checked several times over the next few days and it looked OK…for a while. About 5 days later, the pressure had dropped to about a 1/3 of what it should be. Went to another gas station, and filled it up again.

Next day…visibly lower. Looked for a gas station…and well, by now you know the drill. I did the predictable. Filled it up with air. Good to drive. Safe to drive. Good to go.

Except this was getting to be a bit of a pain. I was starting to drive slowly by gas stations to check to see if they had an air machine. My thoughts while driving, even while listening to the news, or singing tunes, or chatting with the person beside me, frequently went to that passenger side tire. Was it low? When had I last checked? Was I being overly pessimistic and concerned? Was I being overly optimistic and had overlooked the sponginess of the tire? I started circling the car every time I got in.

The car was safe to drive, but this was not the way to live. The tire was where it should be—it was full and operational—but the strategy I was using was costly. It increased my vigilance, created hassle as I searched for the tire guage and found a pump. It worked but it wasn’t really working.

How well was it workin' for me?  Not so much.

I took it in to Midas, and the great people there had it fixed in an hour. They found a nail. They patched it.  Done. 

I might have just kept filling the tire with air when it needed it. Would’ve been cheaper financially. Would’ve been more expensive to my mental and physical health—today it’s cold—who wants to be filling tires in this weather! 

By now, you get that this isn’t really about tires.

I work with couples who have been filling the air in the tires of their marriage desperately…trying to make the car move forward safely, but at great personal cost. It’s not easy to address a marital flat tire with bandaids, though I’ve heard stories of people trying…and putting in a ton of effort for not-a-lot of results.

• A husband sees his wife is disgruntled and so starts working hard to bring in more income—take the financial stress off to make her happier. It sorta works…she’s happy when she gets new shoes, or buys the new sofa, but then the disgruntlement returns…

• A wife sees her husband pulling away and is distant. She buys a new negligee, gets a babysitter, and gives him a night he won’t soon forget. He likes it…a lot…but it doesn’t last.

I’ve worked with individuals too, who solve slow leaks in the tires of the lives in ways other than finding the leak. They bump along with a strategy that makes it better for a bit…

• go shopping,

• go on-line to a porn site,

• drink too much,

• or _____________ (filling the blank)

but ultimately leaves them feeling lonely and empty…and back where they started…the tire of life is still flat.

One of the things that has been more gratifiying than anything as a therapist is to work with someone who recognizes that

A) there is a problem, and

B) that the strategies they have used to address the problem aren’t effective, and

C) are looking for creative and original solutions that don’t provide a temporary reprieve from the problem, but actually remove the issue as something that is creating them distress.

To watch a person discover the strategy that is has long term satisfaction is, well, is FUN!! I love my job at those moments. The patch cost $22...the air was free.  In the long run, when I measure my quality of life, the patch was immeasurably cheaper. Sure, that solution costs some in dollars if you’re going to see a therapist, but think of the way a person can relax, and er, stop spinning their tires and get moving (sorry, pun was intended!).

Take a page from Tiger’s playbook on this one.

I was able to see Tiger Wood’s apology on TV the other day. I, along with millions of others, were curious about what he would say. The general consensus before hand was that it would be very very short, cryptic and dissatisfying in not addressing  the obvious issues. It was none of those. I had tears in my eyes as I watched him read his statement. The men and women that I have known that have been cheated on, and long to hear an apology from someone who has hurt them to the core of their sould, heard what an apology sounds like.

 Afterwards, the commentators, being professional skeptics, were quick to point out that Tiger Woods has “people” who know how to write well and would have prepared his speech for him, whose jobs it is to “spin” events in his events, and are intent on restoring his public image to maximize his sponsorship and earning potential. Yup, all that might be true.

 But there was one man standing lonely behind the podium the other day as he shared his statement. He was alone and exposed his jugular as he accepted responsibility for his behavior and expressed regret. He realizes he has to atone for his actions. Somebody may have helped him figure out what to say…but he alone said them. He owned them…and these are not easy words to own. For a guy who has felt entitled, he ate a huge piece of humble pie. Man, he ate the whole pie.

 I know he was criticized for sticking too closely to his notes, or for being too unemotional, or too emotional in certain parts. You try admitting you’ve screwed up in front of cameras, close family and friends, after 6 weeks of treatment. I don’t pretend to know what is going on with Tiger Woods, but I do know the effort that is required for others like him that I have worked with…to “man up” and take responsibility for behavior. That’s not easy. It’s an important step, but far from easy. Hard, excrutiatingly hard.

Excerpts from the transcript of what he said.

 …Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us....

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry....

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation and kids all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count....

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife....

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That's where my focus will be....

In therapy, I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me -- my marriage and my children.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help....

Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

A few things I honor in his apology:

• He acknowledges his responsibility and lack of insight into his prior behavior, without excuses. I expect that there are some circumstances that led to this situation, but he doesn’t dilute his apology with those today. There are rumors of a family history of infidelity, which can really mess with a person’s head, but he doesn’t talk about that…that would take away from the core message he is transmitting

• He provides appropriate disclosure. He let us know he blew it in the fidelity department…the tabloids who sell magazine would, of course, disagree, but that is all that the public need to know. He’s right that the other details would be something that would be processed at a couple level. In general, friends and family don’t benefit from knowing details. He establishes appropriate boundaries

• He recognizes that though a verbal apology to his wife is important, it pales in comparison to what his actions will tell her in the future. He recognizes that there will be a level of accountability and proving his commitment to her over time. He seemingly gets that she will need to see him being faithful for a goodly long time before she can trust him. Integrity over the long haul will be what is effective in restoring any level of trust.

• He recognizes that his apology does not “seal the deal” and make it all better.  Reconciliation is still something that needs to be negotiated and sorted through as a couple. 

• He is willing to get the help he needs to do the work he needs to do, to be the kind of person he wants to be for himself and for his wife.

• He recognizes that doing “head work” is only part of the process. He is relying on his faith and spiritual growth to do some serious “heart work” too.

 There may have been a great deal of help and strategizing that Tiger Woods had to prepare his statement. Or he may have sat down and hammered it out on his own or with the help of his therapist. Who knows. Does it matter? Whatever was said were words he chose to say and he owned them that day.I don’t know what will happen to Tiger Wood’s marriage, his business dealings, or his golf career. On Friday, all of that didn’t matter. 

 

• On Friday, he gave the world an example of what a seriously effective apology looks like. 

• On Friday, I suspect there were cheated women and men all over TV land that had tears streaming down their faces, hearing words that felt “right”, hearing words that they have longed to hear from an unfaithful partner, feeling understood by a man they will never meet in a way they were not understood by their partner.

• On Friday, I hope there were some unfaithful women and men who heard Tiger’s apology and felt like he was a couple steps ahead of where they need to be, and resolved to stop fooling themselves and start living in the real world, where infidelity is not OK, where it is excruciatingly painful.

Tiger, thank you for the way in which you modelled an apology for your damaging and destructive behavior.  I suspect that many will never know how much it cost you personally to do what you did.  I'm hoping that we will not also be able to understand the level of healing that was possible by the insights and actions as a result of the soul work you have done in therapy. 

I, for one, respect what you did on Friday.

Today I played hooky.

I didn't go into the office today.  I did a couple of hours of work at home, but mostly, I played.

It was fun.  Fun.  I had a chance to be silly today, to laugh, to enjoy family, to sit in the quiet and feel the sun on my face.  To be doing nothing and to enjoy it, without pressure that I should get to the next task.

Sometimes too much of a good thing is too much.

There is much in my life is good.  I love my work, both at the counselling office and at the university.  No complaints about all the neat people I get to talk with, the collaboration I have with colleagues and clients.  Work is not a chore.

I love my family too.  We have great times, and I enjoy helping them be successful.

It's just that there isn't a lot of time that isn't accounted for.  It's always racing to finish one thing to get onto the next.  When I can do two things at once, I do.

But today, me and mine checked out of life for the day.  I went for tea with a good friend and we laughed and enjoyed each other's company.  I heard about her life and she mine.  Watched some Olympics.  Went for brunch...strawberries and chocolate hazelnut spread in a crepe at Cora's was a lovely decadence.  We tried to set new records for successful creamer flipping...I think I've done it 8 times before, and the record was only 5 today, but not from lack of effort.  (I never got above 2 today).

Then we went skating on the river at the Forks.  The sun was out, the ice was crisp and hard, and the skating divine.  People were in a good mood.  We tried out just about every warm up shack on the river (and admired them) to see what it felt like.  Sometimes we skated together, other times I was alone.  Time to contemplate, breath, enjoy.  We giggled at the one shack at the end of the trail.  It was a three walled shack...one of the walls had a door on it...locked.  What is the purpose of a locked door on a shack that has one wall open?

Checked out the ice path, the snowboarders, and I sat in the sun while the others checked out the skate park.  I wasn't doing anything, and was enjoying not doing anything...not feeling a pressure to be finding something to do.  There's something about stopping, finding a quiet time in a busy season and enjoying each other.

Capped off the afternoon with a familiar treat remembered from the summertime...deep fried Mars bars.  Yum.

In the busy-ness of life this winter, as full as it is of good things, I will remember today as a large deposit in the bank account of family mental health.  Ahhh....feelin' good.

I'll be charged up and ready to attack the regular schedule with vigor.  Sometimes until we make a point of it, we forget how valuable recharging is.

It was 20 years ago this week that Nelson Mandela was released from prison. I enjoyed hearing the retrospectives of that time on the radio this week, and so I was extra motivated to find a window of time to go see the movie, Invictus on Friday.  Really glad I did.


I'm not much a fan of rugby...a wild and painful-looking sport. But I was captivated by how Nelson Mandela used the processing of the sport as a means to unify two factions with a long and violent history filled with pain and injustice.  He is able to convince those around him to respond with compassion rather than retaliation...allowing opportunities for healing and unification.

As a therapist, the highlight of the movie was the scene immediately after the black South Africans unanimously agreed to abandon the "Springboks" name and the green and yellow colors of the national team in moving forward.  They want a fresh start with identifying the national team as "Proteas", something the other national teams were doing. Nelson Mandela comes to their meeting, and at huge political risk, challenges them to reconsider.  He agrees that he, too, used to cheer against the Springboks, a sign of white minority rule, when he was in prison.  He would cheer for the opposing team, no matter who they were, because the South African Springboks were playing for the minority oppressors.  He reminds them, that now, with a united South Africa, that all of South Africa is on one team.  He reminds them of the importance and significance of the "Springbok" name and colors to the people who were once their enemies, and with whom they are now working to somehow create a new unified country.  Nelson challenges them to be gracious and extend the ability to keep the name, to not strip the team and its supporters of what is important and familiar.  He encourages this decision as one that is important to demonstrate that tolerance, cooperation and respect are being extended by the black South AFfrican community...to not return oppression with further oppression.

His motion wins, narrowly.

He is able to convince people to not retaliate.  I remember Tevye saying in Fiddler on the Roof, "if everyone takes an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, then the whole world will be eyeless and toothless."  The black African community chose to take the high road and extend grace.

The movie goes on, demonstrating (I suspect with some liberties with regards to historical accuracy as most movies generally do) how attitudes are slowly changed, and the country becomes united as the team strives to win the world cup.  At one point, Nelson Mandela and the captain of the rugby team have tea.  On the way to the meeting, the captain asks the security guard what kind of man Nelson Mandela is. The security guard comments that with previous governments, his job as security was to be invisible.  With Nelson Mandela, he is not invisible...Mandela and he talk, and when Mandela finds out what his favorite sweets are, the security guard receives some as a gift when Mandela returns from overseas.  "With Mandela, no one is invisible."  Mandela is respectful to all, and chooses to look beyond his years of imprisonment, to establish a new culture of working together.  He lives out his challenge to the community on a personal leve.

Mandela has the ability to center himself, regulate his reactions, and choose to respond in a way that allows communication that ultimately works for the greater good.  He doesn't ignore the history of oppression and injustice, but neither does he allow it to destroy the current potential for rebuilding.

Seems to me that if you are in a relationship that feels painful, and your first instinct is to retaliate, it might be a good idea to challenge yourself to view Invictus before you make a decision.  I know I'll be thinking about this one for a while.  Thank you, Nelson Mandela, for your example of peace making.

My computer is down...I'm struggling not to feel like I have lost my right arm and am working to get proper perspective on things.  I use it to communicate with so many personally, at the counselling office, and at the university.  I use it to remind me of what is coming up next, and what I have to get ready for.  I use it to prepare documents, and generally get my work done. I'm feeling a little lost.

My computer is actually able to work well...except it can't right now.  Let me explain.

I'm not computer savvy, but it isn't rocket science to notice that my battery wasn't recharging when I plugged the computer in to charge.  I assumed it was the cord.  The cord must be broken.

So I borrowed Melanie, the receptionist's cord to charge it until I could go get a new cord.

It wasn't the cord.  Hers cord didn't work either--on my computer.  Worked fine with her computer.  Ouch.

So, I asked a colleague.  He assumed it must be the battery.  If its not the cord, it must be the battery, right?

Wrong.  Not the battery.  In a jiffy he loaded some software to check the battery, and it is working fine.

The geniuses at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store found the problem. (Confident bunch at the Apple Store to call themselves geniuses.  Just saying.)  It is the connection between the cord and the computer that isn't working...so I wait for a logic board. (They tell me they are working hard to get this fast...it seems they were quite familiar with the slightly wild look that can appear in someone's eyes when they find out that a computer isn't operational, and are quite calmly reassuring they will expedite things--I'm sure they spend their days calming the anxieties of frantic people--maybe even tell each person that they are taking their situation very seriously to fix it ASAP--good on them.  They understand the importance of reassurance)**

The cord works, the battery works...the main guts of the computer works.  But the connection between the parts is interrupted, and the whole thing doesn't work.  Reminds me of some couples I've worked with.

She's a wonderful person and wants it to work.  He's a great guy and works at it too.  But the connection between the two of them is interrupted, and the whole thing just goes sideways. 

Or backwards.

Or downhill.

And it hurts when something that used to be as meaningful and purposeful as a right arm, now feels worse than useless.

It was my default to blame the cord or the battery--didn't it make sense that the problem would be at one end or the other. (I didn't know there was a middle!)  Not unlike couples, who, when there is a problem blame the other for the problems...they don't often realize that there is a middle--an intangible but vitally important connection that needs maintaining, attention, and sometimes, repair.

When there is a problem, it's easy to blame the other...you know you are trying hard.  You know you are not trying to create problems.  You know you are well intentioned...so it's default to assume when there are problems to think responsibility lies with the other end of the relationship.

How is the logic board of your marriage? (Did you even know you had a logic-board equivalent in your couple relationship?)  Rather than point your finger at your partner, why don't both of you take a deep breath, calm yourselves and look at the connection that exists between the two of you? (And if you need some extra help, please call a therapist in your area).

And, if you sent me an email in the last day or two, please know that I'll get caught up as soon as the connection is fully operational again! ;)

**The Mac people really live up to their word.  They had it ready sooner than I expected and it's working great.  Connection repaired!

Everybody is three people.

We're who we think we are,

we're who the audience thinks we are, and

we're who we really are,

and the closer those three people are together,

the longer your career can last.

Kenny Rogers, as told to

The Winnipeg Free Press, February 6th, 2010

Hmmm...thinking that he's not just talking about entertainers here.

Seems like wisdom we can all gain from.

Keeping a good marriage great is just as important as fixing the problems.

I was reading Psychotherapy Networker the other day when I came across the issue of how therapists can help clients who have done some really good work on addressing problem areas in their marriage.

 

Steven Stosny said in an the latest edition that an important way couples can entrench health ways of relating to each other is through the concept of “habituation”. He says:

..a growing literature on relapse prevention suggests that you can help the couple retrain their brains, so to speak, by instituting new associations—which, with continual repetition (this is the critical part), can gradually encode new, more relationship-positive associations. None of this is high-tech or tremendously sophisticated, but it does what all training and regular practice is supposed to do: establish new patterns that may become stronger than old ones.

 So what does this look like?? Glad you asked. (You were asking, weren’t you?)

He suggests a series of daily rituals which combined take a total of 5 minutes (surprisingly small amount of investment for the most important relationship in your life):

(1) Gestures. Make some brief, nonverbal acknowledgement of your partner's importance to him or her at the four major transitional times in the day: before getting out of bed in the morning, before leaving the house, the first thing when you come into the house, and the last thing at night. (Behaviors done at major transitional times tend to have more carryover throughout the day.) This should be a gesture, like a brief touch, gentle eye contact, or just reaching out your hand. You should notice within a few weeks that affirming your partner's importance first thing in the morning and last thing at night is one of the pleasanter ways to improve over-all health and well-being.

(2) Hugs. Hug your partner, in a full-body embrace, six times a day, holding each hug for at least six seconds. Hugs are usually the first thing to go when a chain of resentment binds a relationship. The less you touch, the more resentful you get. The 6 x 6 formula isn't arbitrary. You probably don't hug more than once a day now. Increasing that to at least six times a day increases the chances of raising your level of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. The six-second minimum for each hug recognizes the fact that in the beginning, some of the hugs will feel forced and awkward. It's all right if they start out that way, as long as they become genuine at about the fifth or sixth second—which is likely to happen if you're still attached. You'll eventually find that it's easier to put your heart into the embrace than to resist it.

(3) Thoughts. Set aside five seconds for a positive thought about your partner at least five times a day. How you think about your partner when you're apart largely determines how you behave when you're together. Think of assets she or he brings to your relationship and how he or she makes your life better.

The other strategy he suggests is that the therapist work with the couple to have a “fire extinguisher” of sorts around. He reminds us that fire extinguishers don’t just put out fires, they are visible reminders of the risk of fire, and those who are conscientious about the risk of fire have them around as a practical commitment to reducing fire risk. Steven has created a CD which couples can use to remember some principals he has taught them…he doesn’t even expect them to listen to it, but having it on display in their home is a cue to them to their commitment to a quality, life-giving marriage, and the work and communication that is required to maintain this.

I love his closing line:

"When it comes to day-to-day living, if you want to love big, you have to think small."

so...Go,

think small:

in many tiny little moments,

in wee bits, and

in almost-lost-but-found-in-time moments in your relationships today.

Let little droplets of love and commitment gather

bit by bit,

collecting over time,

providing gentle evidence time after time,

over and over,

so that they pool together in an expanding way and

gradually fill the loved one in your life

full of the love that you have for them.