April 2010

Sometimes we choose our challenges.  I've chosen to run a half marathon.  It was planned for.  Measured.  I chose the adventure.

Sometimes life chooses our challenges for us.  Yuck!  Challenges not of our choosing are thrust upon us.  There is a reason we don't choose some of these challenges.  There is very little pleasant about them.

Today I celebrate accomplishment: a bitter sweet exhilaration that says, “Whew, I made it”. But I didn’t choose this one. Never would have chosen this challenge. Never.

But it was thrust upon me, and I had to figure out if and how I was going to tackle it.

Gosh, this was likely the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face, and boy, was I overwhelmed by the task. And grieving. Grieving that I had to tackle the challenge at all, which made rising to the challenge all the more difficult.

I wish I could say that it was a total triumph, or that I conquered it flawlessly. Can’t say that. But I worked to survive--pushed myself to scrape myself out of bed in the morning, even when everything in me wanted to curl up and never emerge.

• I listened to music that was meaningful and comforting, gathering strength to face the intimidating and daunting challenge. 
  

• I made a choice to let people “in”: to allow them to support me and help me. For a person who is a natural caregiver, it was a conscious and deliberate choice to allow people to help me. Then again, when I was helpless to meet the challenge on my own, it didn’t really feel like I had much of a choice. I needed the support. I was grateful for it, but it certainly was humbling to be so desperate for it. 
  
• I cried…a lot. 
  
• I sought the help of a professional. A gifted therapist who could remind me about what was real, and what wasn’t real, who could help me process the magnitude of the implications of the challenge, who helped me sort out what to do with my fear, whose gentle support helped give me the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

No, I didn’t sail through this challenge. But I did make a decision to trust that I was going to get through it.

I did make a decision early on to remember the kitschy line: 

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

• I used the experience as a touchstone, to be able to get in touch with, and identify with clients who come to see me in the middle of their own hells. Although our circumstances may be very different, there are ways in which I understand terror, gut-wrenching grief, and the challenges of “moving on” in ways that I know “get” from the inside out. My respect for clients in their struggles has increased.

• I remember reading somewhere that the Chinese character for “crisis” is the combination of “danger” and “opportunity”. With support and encouragement, I have gone off in directions and rebuilt. One of the products of rebuilding is “Bergen and Associates Counselling”. I’m proud of what has been built…but it never would have happened without the opportunity that the challenge created and demanded.

• Me and mine—we grew older and wiser at a turbo-rate. Nothing like a challenge to unite a family. Life lessons that we’ll never forget. We learned to rely and trust each other. We learned to laugh over the little things, when there otherwise wasn’t much to smile about. It was rich. We had some meaningful times of looking for...and finding...rainbows in the midst of the rain.

And…April showers bring May flowers

It’s raining today. Feels like the sky is crying…not unlike I was all those years ago. But just as rain creates growth (you should see my crocuses!), tears can be the precursor to that which follows. Out of the ashes of my challenge all those years ago, little by little, bit by bit, things got better. Then things got good. Ahhhh.

It’s an odd day, because although the remembering of this thrust-upon-challenge comes around fresh in a sad way, even more is the remembering of, “WE MADE IT!” And a quiet satisfaction that “we done good”. That’s a powerful feeling, and today, that feels good.

Kinda like finishing a half marathon.  Only better.

Therapy, or counselling as it is often known is seen by skeptics as something for the weak who don't have the strength for their own problems.  Or for the clueless, who can't think for themselves.  Or for the self-centered who need to hear themselves talk. Or only for women who need to "talk about their problems". 

Counselling is made fun of in the movies, on TV, and in the general media.  It is seen as a frivolous expense available as a luxury for the rich.

In sum, counselling is often judged as ineffective or unnecessary.

I saw a study recently that was entitled:

Therapy is 32 times more cost effective at increasing happiness than money.

That headline had me scratching my head, too.  That seemed far fetched...so I looked it up.

Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick and Alex Wood of the University of Manchester compared large data sets where 1000s of people had reported on their well-being. They then looked at how well-being changed due to therapy compared to getting sudden increases in income, such as through lottery wins or pay rises. They found that a 4 month course of psychological therapy had a large effect on well-being. They then showed that the increase in well-being from an £800 course of therapy was so large that it would take a pay rise of over £25,000 to achieve an equivalent increase in well-being. The research therefore demonstrates that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

(My understanding is that "an £800 course of therapy" is about 4 months of weekly counselling.  This is a British study, but I would propose that us Canadians would have similar results) 

That's pretty significant. No, make that REALLY significant.

The article continues:

University of Warwick researcher Chris Boyce said:
“We have shown that psychological therapy could be much more cost effective than financial compensation at alleviating psychological distress. This is not only important in courts of law, where huge financial awards are the default way in which pain and suffering are compensated, but has wider implications for public health and well-being.”
“Often the importance of money for improving our well-being and bringing greater happiness is vastly over-valued in our societies. The benefits of having good mental health, on the other hand, are often not fully appreciated and people do not realise the powerful effect that psychological therapy, such as non-directive counselling, can have on improving our well-being.” (bolding mine)

There are people who are not surprised by this statistic.  Many of those people are satisfied clients of Bergen and Associates Counselling or clients of other qualified and competent therapists.  I watch people make significant financial commitments to engage in regular counselling, making tough choices in their budgeting.  They do so willingly because the fresh and innovative ways that therapy allows them to look at their lives, is, quite simply, worth it.

Counselling is not cheap.  No doubt about it.

But of what value is good mental health, a stable marriage, good relationships with your children?  My thought:  Priceless.

You're gonna think my point in this post is self serving.  Umm..guilty as charged.  However, I did not make this stuff up.  While it does promote my profession, this post more importantly promotes well-being through the opportunity for you to consider something with careful thought.

I tell my students at the University, that when you really want to know about what a patient is up to in the hospital, the Occupational Therapists need to ask housekeeping staff.  The housekeeping staff know if the patient is really able to get up out of bed, how much they are talking, and if they ever leave the room.  Support staff really do make the world go round, and generally know more than anybody.  The case has never been truer than with Melanie (pronounced Mah-LAY-nee) at our office.  Thanx for your work Melanie!


Thanx for...

• enjoying each opportunity you have to answer an inquiry from a caller who is gathering information about our services.  You endeavor to give our callers the answers they need so they can make informed decisions.  You enjoy the task of helping each person as they call...and I think people can tell.  You are understanding and compassionate when people are a little nervous when they call...and they often relax over the course of the phone conversation.  That is fun to watch!
  
• handing me to over what I am coming to ask for before I even finish asking you to do the task.  Your anticipation of what needs to get done is amazing!
• making the water ready and hot for tea before I arrive in the morning.  That's a really thoughtful and kind gesture.
• chuckling with me over our silly mistakes or misunderstandings so we can gently laugh at ourselves, and then fix things and move on.
• working at Bergen and Associates!
  

Family is a  pain, huh?  Those kids want a snack...and you've barely cleaned up lunch.  You've paid for the kids' sports, the mortgage, groceries, and the bank account is begging for mercy--and then someone needs fancy duds for an upcoming banquet that MUST be attended and there is NOTHING to wear.  You're dog tired, worked hard all day, and the nagging demanding ball and chain wife  love-of-your-life wife wants to engage with you about the activities of the day.  You've spent the day driving the kids around, grabbing food on the fly, fitting more errands in that can really be wedged into an already full day, and that no good, wants it all on a silver platter, treat me like a king kind of husband  hero-of-a-husband rolls his eyes when you ask him to put the kids to bed.

Yup, family is a pain.  Drudgery, mind-numbing routine, pushed-to-the-edge-of-exhaustion-tasks.  A Pain.

But a kind of pain that grounds you, centers, you, and gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. It makes you delight in the laundry you have, because if you weren't up to your eyeballs in laundry, it would mean that you hadn't all had fun in the leaves this weekend.  The arguments that your adolescent has with you (that you really, REALLY don't understand) are a signs that she's growing up, that her abstract thought has grown in complexity, and she is becoming her own person. And the spouse that asks you to call if you're gonna be late, when you just wanna be free to go out after work for drinks with the guys, cares--cuz you matter to her. 

Family can be so restraining.  But what feels like being trapped, can be grounding, and life saving:
Yeah, yeah, I know this commercial is intended to be about seatbelts.  But doesn't your family life sometimes feel like the beauty and restraint that are inextricably combined in this video?

There are some of you who find having a spouse and children confining...right now, they don't seem so loving and uplifting.  There isn't "slo-mo beauty with beautiful music tinkling in the background" moments right now--your family is drink-milk-straight-from-the-jug-against-the-rules kind of family.  A I-don't-know-how-we'll-pay-the-bills-this-month kind of family. Families that are rude, dismissive, non-validating, rushed, and generally distracted from celebrating the wonderfulness of your contribution to their life.

There are times when releasing your family's hold on you seems tempting.  There's no doubt that most couples find themselves in trying times during the life cycle of their marriage. Maybe the drinks after work you crave aren't with the guys, but with a special one who has caught your eye...and you're tempted.  She's engaging, interesting, funny, and doesn't demand that you mow the lawn, or change your share of poopy diapers.  Or going to the gym isn't about the workout so much as the guy who's been winking at you...he smiles and is open...you know what he's thinking, what he's offering...and it seems so easy compared to that burping, bump-on-a-log guy sitting on the couch, who only speaks up when he wants you to bring him something.

Family is a gift.  They are a pain, but they are an uncomfortable, smelly, life-giving, complaining, whiny, hilarious, wicked, annoying, fascinating, griping, stifling, anxiety-provoking, engaging, frustrating, awesome gift.  Family gives you a place to call home, a place that keeps you safe, a holding that reminds you of who you are, and what your goals are.  Families are wildly imperfect, annoyingly frustrating, and adoringly secure.

Appreciate your painfully delightful family today.  Let them ground you, hold you securely, love you by tying you down in a way that will save your life.

I had a lot of fun with the video from my last post.  I had a couple of people around the office view the video to watch their reaction.  Wish I had a video camera on their reactions as they watched it for the first time. I realize that this is a familiar video for those of you who read my last post.  For those of you who missed it, here is is again:
After I showed my colleagues the video, they laughed at their focus and how that took away from their ability to see the "moon walking bear".  One insisted the replay of the video in the second part of the video wasn't identical to the initial clip she watched when she was counting the ball tosses...I had to rewind and replay the entire video to her to convince her that indeed, she truly had missed the moon walking bear the first time.

As I was doing therapy last week, I realized the incredible metaphor this video is for systems theory, which is  a model we use in therapy.  When I work with a couple, there will be times when Spouse A can only focus on certain parts of the relationship, insisting that it is a certain way, and that Spouse B is very much the kind of person that "always _____"  or "never _______".  Spouse A "knows" how the relationships is, knows what is wrong with it.  Spouse A has been watching very carefully, and are, after all, living the relationship, so they KNOW exactly what the relationship is like. (Just like my colleague knew that 13 balls were tossed, and that there was NO dancing bear)  There is no maliciousness to it, no manipulation, no "convenient" shaping of the truth...just an honest recollection of the experiences as experienced by Spouse A.

Spouse B can insist on another reality--as a matter of fact, they KNOW that it is not like how Spouse A describes it...because Spouse B is very focused on the "Black clothed team" and can't help but see the dancing bear...but would have little or no concept of how many balls were tossed and caught by the white clothed team--Spouse B doesn't see how that is important...and besides, Spouse B is too caught up in convincing Spouse A that the dancing bear really exists.

Life is not a one minute video clip...similar scenarios are happening again and again over time. What happens, over time, that after one finds what one is looking for, is that one responds to that pattern in a logically responsive way...the "dancing bears" genuinely aren't seen, and aren't responded to--and therefore, aren't reinforced. 

So, for example, the wife that is expecting her husband to not help her with the dishes, or putting the kids to bed, gets annoyed at what she knows she will be disappointed by.  She doesn't see all the yard work he does, or the way he plays with the kids after supper.  Guess what happens over time?

If you're a dancing bear that is consistently invisible despite moonwalking through situations, wouldn't you stop showing up? 

And then, when Spouse A says there is no dancing bear, Spouse A is right...the bear gave up cuz it's too hard to keep showing up and being unappreciated and ignored.

The husband doesn't bother with even the yard work and his hours get longer so there's no time to play with the kids...and his disengagement has extended itself.

And the patterns of a relationship start to deepen as different parts of the system become entrenched in what they see and respond out of that...because what you see eventually becomes more of what actually happens.
Problems that couples bring to therapy are not nearly as simple as all this.  But the video illustrates the point that often you will find what you are looking for in a relationship.  Things that reinforce what you are looking for are noticed and highlighted, while other things that don't reinforce it aren't deliberately ignored...they genuinely aren't on the radar.

You can imagine what it is like being a therapist in the middle of this...trying to hear each person's reality as very valid and important, and trying to de-escalate the situation to allow the spouses to cool enough to develop some compassion and insight...to recoginize that the spouse has a different reality that is authentic to their point of view.

Further complicating the situation is that the couple will go home, and Spouse A will notice the "dancing bear" part of the relationship, and insist that it was newly inserted that week after the therapist pointed out the Spouse A couldn't see the dancing bear.  And it may have been, because now Spouse B thinks there is a fighting chance it will be noticed.  Or Spouse B may have been continuing to do it all along, but not the focus allows it to be seen. So, now Spouse A can see the dancing bear, but thinks it's been inserted purely to prove a point...and continues to be angry and dissatisfied.  There is nothing Spouse B can do to convince Spouse A that the dancing bear was there previously.

Marriage therapy is a delicate process whereby the therapist encourages Spouse B to have the dancing bear show up, working very hard to have Spouse A accept the dancing bear, appreciate Spouse B's efforts, and understand the patterns of the system that created the situation.  Both Spouse A and B contribute to the complex interplay of acting and reacting to develop a difficult situation. Over time, resentments develop in each And B as each seeks to be understood, and be in the relationship in a way that works.  Spouse B's will often have concerns that if it wasn't recognized before, could the dancing bear be ignored and unappreciated again?  Spouse A will wonder, what if I learn to enjoy and delight in the dancing bear, and learn to trust it, and then it disappears again--dare I relax and enjoy it now?  It might be less painful to ignore than to have it and lose it.  Ouch.  You see how there are ripple effects and issues to deal with.

If it were as simple as seeing dancing bears, marriage counselling would be simple.  But its not that simple, and the pain and emotions are raw and real.  But it's something to think about.

I like to be thorough when I do something. Do a job as I'm told, and do it well.  That's not an unusual characteristic of someone.  So...watch the video and see if you can do a good job at the assigned task:
Did you get the right number?

But did it prevent you from seeing what else was there?

When I saw this video this morning, it reminded me a little about my week.  I had a major deadline on Wednesday--tons of work involving putting in numerous hours doing research and compiling the project, with  the writing of it requiring careful excellence.  I had to lead a significant meeting on Monday evening.  The delivery of some meals that I was supposed to drop off at 2 new moms' houses that I had prepared on the weekend turned out to be more of a hassle than it needed to be--in trying to be efficient, I ended up tripling the work to get the job done--so much for my brilliance in trying to think ahead.  I had an event Wednesday evening that kept me hopping after a lecture Wednesday afternoon...I'd been up late the night before preparing the powerpoint.  And I'd had a personal disappointment this week when something I'd hoped would go well, didn't.  So...I was stressed, pressured, and somewhat discouraged. 

And then I noticed the weather was cold.  My cough wasn't getting any better either.  And we were running low on milk...and a sick family member drank straight from the jug--when he KNOWS BETTER!!  You can see where I'm going with this. I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I started counting the ball tosses of a certain color in my life, and was getting to be really really good at finding lots of the same when I was focused on looking for them.    By Thursday, I was feeling kinda sorry for myself and the unfortunate week I was having.

The deadlines passed, the sun was shining during the day and I went for a beautiful walk on Thursday evening. 

After I saw the video, I decided to look for "the moon walking gorillas" in my life that I may have missed this week...and when I played back the events of the week, I was able to find them.  The kitchen was cleaned impeccably on Tueday evening in response to a hastily jotted note I'd left on the door--WOW! It was done--and the water was boiled and the tea cup prepared for my arrival home, waiting on the counter.  I'd shared some laughs with people at work, and we'd enjoyed some moments of humor.  There were details of the project that came together smoother than expected, and Melanie, our office manager had put the finishing details on the project in a way that had us feeling great about our work.  I found sprouts in my garden! When I took my focus off one particular way of looking at the week, and changed my perspective to include what I'd previously shut out with my negativity filter, there was a whole lot more to celebrate and enjoy than I'd realized.  I'd gone through the week with a tone of discouragement, when there was more balance there than I could see at the time.

Next week, I plan to be looking at the activities of the white team AND the black team in my days, to find the silver linings in the clouds of life, to acknowledge and celebrate the full spectrum of life.

How 'bout you?

Years ago, I was in the hospital for a time, staying with crucially and dangerously ill people whom I loved who were not expected to "make it".  Laying vigil with imminent death nearby was painfully excruciating.  Friends and family would drop by, as part of showing love and care, often wanting to "cheer me up". They would tell funny stories to distract me. Some would offer platitudes to reassure me. They meant well, and I could remind myself of that as my face would smile at the conversations, and I would hear the love and the good intention of their words. Inside, I would die a little myself in the loneliness of my despair.

I had one visitor who said very little. I hardly knew him at the time. There is one sentence he said that I will never forget. It meant a lot. I felt understood. He “hit the nail on the head” and calmly stated his own experience in a way that echoed the silent screams inside of me. I don’t think he said much else, but I don’t remember. I certainly don’t remember anything else that anybody said to me during those dark days, but I remember this line:

“I hate this shitty place.”

Can’t tell you how that line encouraged me. Might seem odd to you how incredibly healing that line was. He’d had a family member die on that same ward a few months before. His ability to encapsulate the dread and the pain and the sorrow and just “say it like it is” was something I found of great comfort. Something I’ve gone back to over the years, and remembered fondly. A line that had me respect and like him ever since. His candidness was refreshing and soothing.

Reminds me of a radio spot I’ve heard a couple of times in the last weeks. I found the story online:

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

It takes wisdom of one who’s been there, or perhaps the wisdom of a child to know that often there is no “making it better”—but that “being there” with someone in the darkness provides a place of safety, a place to just grieve. It is valuable to have someone understand the need to stand vigil with a person who is in an unutterably dark place—for whom “feeling better” is unattainable, maybe even dishonorouring to the situation/loss. 

To connect with a person at the bottom of a pit means joining them down there in that pit. Getting a ladder and climbing down and sitting in the icky mud at the bottom. I’ve talked with people fortunate to have had someone join them in their grief. It takes courage to “go there” trusting you won’t be sucked under. You won’t be. But many aren’t sure of that going in.

There is an overwhelming need to want to “fix it” when a loved one is in distress. People who solve problems, make account ledgers balance, engineer complex bridges, pull off concert events successfully—when they see someone they care about struggling under the weight of loss, the automatic instinct is to go in there and make it better.

Except trying to make it better makes it worse…it minimizes the person’s experience into something that can be resolved with a chipper conversation. That’s hard for a “fixer” to understand.

So…if you’re at the bottom, struggling under the weight of sadness and struggle, and you have someone who is working hard to “fix you” into cheerfulness—show them this blog entry. Print it off and give it to them. Ask them to help you cry. Ask them to understand the value of standing vigil in supportive silence as you weep. Ask them to find the courage to join you where you are, rather than attempting to pull you to their good place (they might try, but it won’t work). They might pass you Kleenex, they might ask you to go for a quiet walk, or simply enfold you in a warm embrace that won’t stop. They might offer you a sandwich and silence.

The ironic thing is that after someone helps you cry, you will feel a little better...OK, maybe not any better, but maybe a little "less worse".

Anniversaries are often times of marking and celebrating...wedding anniversaries are a time to rembmer and celebrate the union of husband and wife.  Often on those times, there is a special marking of the day, sometimes watching the wedding video, flipping through the photo album, or going out for dinner and remembering the day and the highlights since.  Other anniversaries are fun too--remembering the opening of a business, or celebrating the day you moved into this house that has now become such a home, or the day someone special came to live with you.

Anniversaries can become points of pain, though. 

• A wedding anniversary is incredibly bittersweet when the spouse has died, and the special day is marked alone, remembering all that once was, and all that now isn’t. 
• Or the delight of a long ago new start—the excitement of something new and life-giving now is remembered with bitterness and cynicism with the failure of the new venture.
• Remembering the day of hope of a life spent together well into old age through the modern day lens of betrayal and abandonment, makes it painful to remember the wedding day after the divorce papers arrive.

Anniversaries aren’t always the joy filled delightful experiences when what started with optimism and anticipation is, for one reason or another, not that way. And yet, the filter of loss, if we’re blessed, doesn’t squeeze out the hope of the day long ago. The memory of the joy of the original day doesn’t have to be poisoned or tainted by the loss.

Affected—Yes.

Destroyed—No.

I refuse to lose the idealism I had as I celebrate these bittersweet anniversaries of my life. I will choose to remember the sparkle and the energy of the first day, the excitement (and niavete!) at the start, and the resulting life adventure that followed. Grieving the loss of something big doesn’t have to destroy the anniversary. 

Not if we choose not to let it. (But that doesn't mean there aren't tears, eh?)

What do you choose?