by Julie Freedman Smith and Gail Bell of Parent Power
In an effort to protect children from the world at large, paretns can fall into a pattern of puffing children up with false praise and gradiosity to build self esteem. These techniques have been proven to backfire, resulting in children who feel tremendous pressure to live up to the false praise and who are devastated when they cannot. At Parenting Power™ we believe that kids are capable and that one of the greatest gifts we can bring to our children daily as our lives (and theirs) pass us by is the awareness and understanding of the following five principles. In this Mompreneur issue of basics, let us look briefly at each one to begin to understand them ourselves and how their wisdom will enhance the lives of our young people and the world as a whole.
1. Real Life
When we first bring infants into the world and as they grow, we have a tremendous
inclination to protect them from the harder parts of life. We want each experience to
be new and special. We want them to love themselves the way we love them. Of
course each of the children born into this world is unique. Each has strengths and
weaknesses and deserves every opportunity. Each child is unique; therefore, being
unique is normal. All children will experience both good and bad in each day. To this
end, we need to be sure that we don’t set them up to believe that they are beyond
normal – which is a pretty great thing to be. It also means that we need them to
realise that bedtime, mealtime, toilet training, school and everything in between are
parts of real life. As parents, we need to have a heightened awareness that we are
not making excuses for our children to get out of doing what is expected. We have a
responsibility to teach them about real-life and they have a responsibility to meet the
requirements of that life.
2. Resilience
Resilience is the ability to withstand adversity and to carry on. It is something that
many parents wish for their children. However, permitting children to learn this
ability is not easy. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our children could become wise without
suffering any hardships? In order for anyone to learn how to withstand a fall and
carry on, he or she must first experience the fall.
The great news is that the very first falls our children experience are pretty tiny.
Waiting until tomorrow to have that candy or not making the team can seem really
hard for our children, but they can persevere and learn the beginnings of frustration
tolerance. Belief in their own resilience will enable them to try, learn and grow from
mistakes and failures that will occur many times in their lives. What’s more,
experiencing adversity and learning from it helps individuals to be more
compassionate both inwardly and with others, eventually teaching our children
relationship skills required in this interdependent world.
3. Responsibility
Webster’s New College Dictionary defines Self Esteem as an attitude of acceptance,
approval and respect toward oneself manifested by personal recognition of one’s
abilities and achievements and an acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s
limitations.
In her book the Self- Esteem Trap, Polly Young-Eisendrath notes: Good self-esteem
comes from actual accomplishments and relationships. It is the by-product of doing
some things well, accepting your limitations (when you need help from others) and
seeing the good consequences of your own influences.
In the interest of time and ease, parents often have a tendency to do for their
children tasks which the children can do for themselves. Increasing our awareness of
these very tasks and teaching our children to undertake age-appropriate
responsibilities is a critical part of parenting. When children learn new tasks, practice
them and use discipline to perform them properly, they feel capable. Strengths and
weaknesses become clear in this process and our children learn to accept both
aspects, increasing their awareness of their responsibility for the welfare or everyone
in the community (family) including themselves.
4. Relationships
As our children reach school age, their experience of community begins to change.
The community itself expands beyond the family and it is our job as parents to help
children become an integral part of these larger communities. We need to provide
them with expectations for their behaviour in addition to an understanding of their
interdependence with those around them. The teaching of your family values
(honesty, generosity, patience, and compassion) can easily be overlooked amidst the
day to day activities but this can happen at great expense. When we cultivate
virtues in our children, it gives them tools to improve their relationships with
themselves, the family and others at large.
Family discussions are a great way to help children recognize importance of
interdependence. The sharing of day-to-day problems stemming from weaknesses
can be seen as normal; even mom and dad have problems. Family members can use
their strengths to offer help and support to other members. When celebrating a
child’s success, we can also remind the child to consider all those who contributed to
that success: the coaches, the teammates, the teacher, the bus driver. In this way,
we celebrate the child’s accomplishments along with the child’s interdependence.
5. Respond with respect
One of the best ways that our children can learn this principle is by watching parents
as they respond with respect to each other’s needs and those of the family and the
larger community. As individuals, we often idealize our partners and our family
members, especially when we begin a new relationship. A new relationship, job, even
a new car can be seen as the perfect solution to any problems we may have. Over
time, the sparkling qualities of “new” fade and the everyday realities of the individual
or the situation take over. We may feel disappointed that this person, job, car or
even child did not live up to our initial idealized expectations.
This disappointment is often the source of difficulty in relationships. One key way to
work past this is to see the person for who she really is. Rather than lashing out at
the other person for our poor judgement of her, we can work at responding with
respect and a commitment to the welfare of the other person regardless of the
feelings of hurt, hatred, frustration. This doesn’t mean that we ignore negative
feelings and circumstances, but that we can practise assertiveness: asking for what
we need using honesty and kindness rather than being aggressive: demanding what
we need with no regard for the other person.
Ultimately, when we read through these five principles, the fifth leads back to the
first; approaching each part of our life with a realistic or “real-life” perspective is vital
to our own happiness and the teaching of that happiness to our children. These
principles form a circle which moves both clockwise and counter clockwise in an
effort to guide ourselves and our children to awareness of what is truly important
and can give them the skills needed to weather the rocky road of life.
This article is reprinted with permission from Julie Freedman Smith and Gail Bell of Parenting Power™. They believe that there is more than one “right way to parent”. Using over 40 years of combined experience, Julie and Gail offer toll-free parenting courses, and telephone coaching to help ease the stress and guilt of parents while providing them withreal life parenting tools. Contact them today at www.parentingpower.ca.
I emailed Julie Freedman Smith earlier today asking for permission to reprint the above article...I first saw it in a magazine for "Mompreneurs"...entrepreneurs who are mothers (or is it vice versa). I really resonated with the article...I liked how it encourages parents to love their children in a "real life" sort of way...one that supports them in the bumps of life, but doesn't shield them from the bumps that are age appropriate. A style of parenting that models how to relate to others...relationships are better "caught than taught" and we unwittingly parent as they overhear our phone conversations, our interactions with the dog, and as we wash the counter of crumbs (again!). Children are absorbing from us how to relate to the world...as we respectfully connect with others, and as we respect the children enough to trust them to handle their own connections (providing thoughtful support based on each child in each situation), they grow up into capable people.
Not surprisingly, the email I got back from Julie was thoughtful, not only giving me permission to use the article, but was personalized, thoughtful, and respectful as she commented on a recent blog post she had seen. Thanx, Julie!
