July 2010

The sparkling light in someone's eyes and a relaxed smile is one of the most beautiful sights in all humankind...to see someone relaxed and enjoying the world being in their own skin is captivating and enlivening for others to watch.

Susan Boyle, the youngest of a large family, survived a brain injury at birth and had learning difficulties.  She was mocked and teased with the children calling her, "Susie Simple".  How painful that must have been.  How those comments ring through a person's mind, and threaten to shape who they are.

And then the world finds out she can sing.  And we find her incredible soul:

And so here am I, open arms and ready to stand

I've got the world in my hands and it feels like my turn to fly

And though I may not know the answers, I can finally say I'm free

And if the question led me here then I am who I was born to be. 

I love watching this happen in therapy...after works through some serious gunk in his/her life. There is wrestling, finding new ways to see something, discovering a new perspective, and--sometimes its slow dawning, othertimes its lightening quick--and a person suddenly smiles, and I get the sense that they are more who they are now than they were before.  Something "clicks" into place, and it fits...and they know immediately that they are more "them" than they were before, maybe not even realizing before that something wasn't totally "them" in that area before.  It is described as

• an internal sense of freedom,
  
• or a feeling of lightness, or
  
• feeling better able to breathe deeply, or
  
• a sense of "rightness" that runs throughout their being.

Great fun to watch--a therapy moment like that is, well, in one word, is-- "WOW". How much of a privilege is it at those moments to be a therapist!

We often don't realize how sometimes, when we get ticked off at someone, it is less about what s/he is going and more because s/he's messin' with our heads.  While we may not like what a person is doing, we may not like, even more, what it does to the internal unspoken but very real story we have about

• who they are,
  
• what they mean to us,
  
• what that says about them,
  
• what it says about our relationship with them, and
  
• about my place in the world

I was reminded of this delightfully in the Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed, A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. I know, I know, I have referenced this book before, and regular readers may wonder when my periodic blurts about the book will stop. There were more corners turned over than I could write in a single blob of blog entries, so likely there will be one or two more quippy excerpts to pop up yet.

She writes:

Felipe [her partner] has the bad habit of sometimes snapping impatiently at people he feels are either behaving poorly or interfering with the quality of his life….All over the world I have watched this man bark his disapproval at bungling flight attendants, inept taxi drivers…and the parents of ill-behaved children….

I deplore this.

Having been raised by a self-composed Midwestern mother and a taciturn Yankee father, I am genetically and culturally incapable of handling Felipe’s more classically Brazilian version of conflict resolution. People in my family wouldn’t even speak this way to a mugger. Moreover, whenever I see Felipe fly off the handle in public, it messes around with my cherished personal narrative about what a gentle and tenderhearted guy I have chose to love, and that, frankly, pisses me more than anything else. If there is one indignity I shall never endure gracefully, it is watching people mess around with my most cherished personal narratives about them.

 

Love that quote…I giggled and giggled about that. I love it that she has the insight to notice her anger at her violated personal narratives, and then, that she has the chutzpah to aknowledge them publically.

It is annoying when people violate who we think they are or who we imagine them to be. Makes the world, and our assumptions about what we know it a little less certain. Our world becomes a little more complicated, and that just makes a person grumpy.

• Ex-husbands are supposed to be complete jerks, and when they turn around and act extraordinarily civilly or even kindly when you hit a rough spot, it’s easy to dismiss it, rather than see it as an important nuance in who he really is and the effort he is making to co-parent. A woman wants to write it off as insignificant and meaningless because it doesn’t fit with her desired picture of him as a complete jerk with no redeeming qualities. 
• A wife is troubled by seeing how much a job loss rattles her husband…she sees him as a pillar of strength generally, and not only feels badly for him, she begins to wonder who he is, if this upsets him as much as it seems to. It makes her world seem a little less safe when he doesn’t behave like the rock she has in her image of him…like the internal image she has come to rely on.

I remember getting more annoyed with my toddlers’ naughtiness when I was around my parents…I felt that when my kids disobeyed me it made me look like a bad mom to my mom—who I wanted to show that I was a good mom. Now, I’ll be quick to add that part of my personal narrative of my mom was that she was judging my mothering on my children’s obedience level to me in my presence…I’m not actually sure she was, and if she was, I’m not exactly sure what the enduring impact of that opinion was. Seems pretty silly now…but it wasn’t then, at least not to me. I remember noticing this, and thinking how unfair to my kids it was that my level of discipline was “edgier” when my mom was around. This time it was my own personal narrative that was getting threatened in the situation…and I didn’t like it. My children were supposed to be perfectly behaved to show the world (or more accurately, my mother) that I was a good mom. Am I the only one who doesn’t want the personal narrative I want others to have of me messed up?

How much space do we give each other to be authentic and transparent? How quickly do we get angry when people don’t conform to who we want or need them to be? How much do we unconsciously give those around us messages to conform to the boxes we have for them to fit into our world? Think about it.

With a few trips to the electronics store, and a little trial and error, me and mine (well, mostly the "mine", to tell the truth) have figured out how to make and upload videos.   I'm kinda liking how it turned out.

Although I'm a bit of an introvert by nature, and being in front of the camera is not on my top 10 list of things to do, it's my goal to get more comfortable with it, and to challenge myself in the endeavor.  A lot of our clients are quite apprehensive about the whole counselling thing, and may avoid it.  They don't avoid it because they don't have the money, or the time, or the need--but because it makes them uncomfortable and they dread doing something new that they have never done before.  They worry they might not do it right, or might be laughed at, or might freeze up or...or...or.... So, I figure it's not fair for me to expect clients to do anything in coming to session that I wouldn't do myself...so I pushed myself to try this video thing.

It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and....I did it! (with a LOT of help.  Thanx, A!)

Those who struggle with memories and bodily effects of childhood trauma won't be surprised by the news in The Winnipeg Free Press today.  Hypervigilance, which is a super-aware-alertness to the world around, with particular attention to impending danger is exhausting, and wears on a body.  Those who grew up in a chaotic, dangerous household, that became frightening at irregular intervals know what I'm writing about.  That hypervigilance was hugely adaptive as a child--it got a child through scary situations in their life...helping them to anticipate dangerous situations and then be able to help prevent disaster (e.g. find ways of keeping a drunk dad from going into a rage by doing things that would keep him happy and work to prevent triggers that could have him fly into a rage), or seek safety (e.g. to run and hide in the garage, or under the bed).  But a body learns that hypervigiliance as a coping strategy and learns it well...and there is no "turning it off" and it continues to be present in a body, even when life becomes safer.

The article stated:

"Childhood abuse may be a predictor for heart disease in adult life, suggests a study published this week by the University of Toronto...further research needs to be conducted to be able to explain physiologically why childhood physical abuse may trigger heart disease. One theory is that victimized children have to relate to how much cortisol, also known as the "fight or flight" or stress hormone they have in their bodies.

"These children are more likely to be always alert, they can't relax and become more vulnerable to stress because they worry whether they will be abused," she said. "Some literature has indicated that people with heart disease have higher rates of cortisol."

Another theory is that people with more stress are also more likely to have chronic inflammation, which is shown to be at higher rates in heart disease patients. "Child abuse is just one factor of many," said Fuller-Thomson. "I don't want people who experienced abuse to feel like they've been condemned to have heart disease. They have slightly higher odds and just need to be more vigilant in monitoring their weight and checking their blood pressure."

(Bolded emphasis mine)

  Childhood trauma is not a cardiac death sentence.  This rather serves as a voice of powerful understanding and validation to those who feel the stress in their bodies even decades after the trauma.

Guessing what the puzzle looks like when you haven't got all the pieces means you end up with something that feels right, but may be far from the truth.

That isn’t rocket science. But unwittingly, we live out lives in the fantasy that we know what the puzzle looks like, even when we don’t have all the pieces. And we behave out of “knowing” what the complete picture is, not even realizing that we have filled in the blank spots in the way that makes the best sense. Best sense doesn’t mean accurate.

Case in point: I LOOOOVE cherries. They are my favorite fruit. This is cherry season, and I splurge on cherries, buying a container from Cost-co, and eating little else for days. Love them. I. LOVE. CHERRIES. Yum. 

When I was young, cherries were a rare treat…very rare. There might be one small bowl for the whole family once in the summer. They were like red gold. So, when I could only pick 5 cherries to eat as my share, I would very carefully select the ones I thought would be the tastiest. That meant the deepest, darkest, black-red cherries I could find in the bowl.  The bright red ones that were almost pink were quite beautiful, but tart, and a little crunchy—and to be avoided when you had precious few berries to quench the appetite.

My mom sold me on that. I’ve been looking for the deepest colored cherries possible for years when I buy them in the store.

I was at Cost-co this week and looked for cherries. No red ones. Boo.

But there were the yellow-red Ranier cherries. I was sorely tempted to go without cherries because these cherries, well…they just look….wrong. They look like they won’t be tasty, because they defy my “yummy-cherry rules”. They look like they will be sour, and bitter, and unripe.

However, I was talking with someone the other day who raved about these yellow Ranier cherries, and so, as skeptical as I was, I decided to give them a try.

Skeptical no more. Fallen in love with Ranier cherries—yellow gold. My perception that cherries had to be dark to be sweet doesn’t fit with my new understanding of cherries. Ranier cherries are yummy, even though yellow. Who knew? It still tricks my mouth as I was a bowl and try the first one of the day and it gushes with yumminess.

 Turns out that when I made my policy on “deeper red cherries are yummier”, I was operating on partial information, never having met a Ranier cherry before. I had to reconfigure my thinking on that one. Turns out my assumptions based on my limited fruit knowledge very nearly had me missing out on one of the highlights of my summer (yes, cherries are a genuine summer highlight for me).

Another case in point: I was speaking with a friend who was talking with her friend. This friend adopted a beautiful toddler from Africa. Adorable little guy. As he gets older now and he has learned English, they have spoken with him about his memories of his home country, and of meeting his new parents, and of travelling to Canada. One of the things he remembers is that the first day they met him, they rubbed him with a white substance all over his body.

They were white, the substance was white. As a small child, he put “2 and 2 together” and concluded that they were making him white to be like them. Pretty clever thinking for a small child who doesn’t understand the language, and is trying to make sense of things—he is putting together a puzzle without knowing all the pieces and coming up with a logical picture that his new parents are trying to change his skin color to be like theirs.

Ouch, though. What a painful thing to hear that this soul was thinking.

What was really happening was that they were putting on cream that were told was necessary to ensure that he would be healthy, and wouldn’t bring home any skin disorders or microscopic creatures that tend to exist in tropical climates. They wanted him to be healthy.

They loved him—the whole package, including his browned-ness, and wouldn’t have wanted him any differently.

Another case in point: I work with couples in crisis. Very typically, one partner will see a behavior, tell me what it means, and be very hurt by that meaning. 

Example #1: At most every disagreement, he leaves. Walks away. She “knows” it’s because he doesn’t care about their relationship, and doesn’t want to invest in the concern she has.  

And she weeps at the sense of abandonment.

What she doesn’t know is that he becomes internally highly agitated when he feels like he is letting her down, when he senses he is “screwing it up” in a way that is upsetting to her. That internal agitation carries with it a sense of failure and shame that is almost intolerable, and so he leaves the situation to escape the internal awfulness that he can’t bear to feel.

Hard, if not impossible, to know this by watching his behavior, so she works to put “two and two” together, in a way that makes sense to her. Thing is, even if she asks him what’s up, he may have trouble explaining himself to her.  He may himself have trouble figuring out why he leaves without someone to help him sort out and slow down his inner reactions so he can figure himself out. He does know he cares and wants her to be happy—but there’s no way to convince her of that because she’s already decided how he feels. Talk about tricky sticky situations, eh? 

Example #2: She’s had an affair.  Was unfaithful. Cheated. Betrayed his trust and ripped his heart out. He hurts. He wants to talk about it, needs to ask questions about it, needs to hear how sorry she is, what she learned from it, how she would never do it again. She’s cheerful, chipper, and ignores his pain—clearly she doesn’t think her infidelity was a big deal, and doesn’t care he’s hurting.

Guess again.

I have met women in this situation that are horrified at their actions. They have violated their own personal code of conduct; crossed lines they promised themselves they would never cross; looked to see a profound level of excruciating pain in his eyes, in the eyes of someone who has long been a good friend and close lover—to know that that pain was created by themselves. They’ve shattered their own sense of integrity in a way that brutally hurt someone they care deeply about. Those are unbearable feelings to face, shaming to have the wounded partner bring up, and has a woman do anything to change the topic, to “cheer the other up” with jokes and frivolity. Not because the infidelity doesn’t matter…but because of how very, very much it does matter.

Sometimes what seems obvious as the meaning of another’s actions isn’t actually the case. Sometimes it’s hard to see that there might be another way of seeing it. Sometimes it’s ones’ own internal realities that “clinch” the meaning that is assigned to it, and reacted on, regardless of what the other person is really feeling.

What you know isn’t always complete. There is information you may not have access to, that can convincingly change your understanding if you allow yourself to embrace it. And in relationships, the stakes are generally a lot higher than with fruit. (Even though a great cherry is truly delicious. Just saying).

For relationships to be authentic and move forward in a way that is truly respectful of each person, it is essential to check those understandings out, hold them loosely to allow for a different interpretation and understanding, to enlarge the understanding. To allow the other person to feel what they are really feeling, rather than be assigned a position by yourself. Tough stuff. But worth it.

There's something about dance that elicits joy.  Something about moving together in rhythm that even when a common language isn't shared, the beauty of moving together unites people with smiles and laughter.  Something about someone dancing badly that gives license to those around to feel comfortable to join in.

I may be one of the last people on the planet that has seen this video.  It has been watched by almost 30 million people...there's something pretty special about it.

Matt is a guy that quit his job and travelled around the world, chronicling his journey by dancing (self-confessed) badly.  Eventually, he got a sponsor and a website and arranged to have people join him in the fun.  Sometimes he would just show up and ask the children around to join him.  And they did.

When he was accused of faking it, he gave a talk that tongue-in-cheek admitted to going to all the work of animatronics, submersing airplanes in a pool etc. as a farce against the accusations.  He goes on, at the end of that video to say:

"People bought it…they sent me responses by the thousands. People were expressing profound joy, of feeling connected to the whole world by watching the simple act of  uncoordinated, unselfconscious silliness shared by everyone. And it got me thinking from these responses. Wouldn’t it be cool if it was real, if it wasn’t a hoax? It wouldn’t really solve anything, it would change anything, our problems are still our problems, but as cliché and as saccharine as it sounds, maybe there’s some value in being reminded in the basic stuff we all have in common.”

He then goes on to finish his presentation by asking his audience to join him in dancing badly, “Come on up, do whatever your body feels like doing, you can’t do it worse that me”…and they do. And it’s beautiful. 

It brings tears to my eyes as people join in a moment of magical unity.

Today's edition of the Winnipeg Free Press has the announcement that Jennifer Lockhart and Stephanie Albiani are beginning to provide services at Bergen and Associates Counselling. 

Jennifer Lockhart began just a few weeks ago.  It has been great to have her gentle and professional presence around.  She pays attention to detail and works hard to figure out the administrative procedures.  That kind of dedication to being aware of what is needed is a huge "plus" factor for the clients who she is working with.  She is calm, engaging, and listens carefully to those of us around the office.  She has already developed a great start with a number of clients who are working with her. We're glad she's working with us.

Stephanie Albiani begins with us this week.  We're excited to have her energy around.  She's got a great sense of humor, thinks things through carefully and gives thoughtful responses as we get things figured out around here.  Can hardly wait for her to get settled in!

Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

In All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Robert Fulghum tells of the day he was left with eighty boys and girls, all five years old.  It was his job to keep these children occupied for one hour, a seemingly, impossible task.  In desperation he remembered the game "Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs," which is similar to "Rock, Paper, Scissors".  It required each child, on command to pair with another child and act out being a giant, a wizard, or a dwarf.  The giant beat the wizard, the wizard beat the dwarf, and the dwarf beat the giant.  Fulghum let the children run around for a few minutes to wear them out, and then he yelled, "Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs!!"  Organized chaos ensued as the children each found a partner, began acting out either a giant, a wizard, or a dwarf, and then tried to decide who won.
While this noisy mayhem was in progress, Fulghum felt a tug on his pant leg.  He looked down to see five-year-old girl with huge blue eyes looking up at him.  "Yes," he said.
The little girl replied, "Um, where do the mermaids go?" Even though Fulghum had made it clear there were only three categories in this game, the little girl was not deterred.  She was saying in unmistakable term, "You may believe that only giants, wizards, and dwarfs exist, Mr. Fulghum, but you are wrong! I am a mermaid. Deal with it."
I admire the little girl.  She refused to accept that the categories given to choose from were the only ones.  She understood her calling.  She knew who she was.
Eugene Peterson pointed out once that most of us spend our lives "impersonating ourselves".  Children are who they are.  It doesn't take long before we have convinced them that they are what they wear, or what they do, or what they have, or what they look like.  But if our children are lucky, we convince them early on to resist caricature or illusion.

from Dangerous Wonder: The Adventure of Childlike Faith
Michael Yaconelli

 
Love this story. I've been mulling over the phrase "impersonating ourselves".  It made sense to me as I've thought about some people I know who are truly, fully themselves--and the sparkle of their soul shines through.  And others who look like they are trying, and self-conscious, and looking around being and doing what others expect, wanting to create an image that others will approve of, so when they go home and ask themselves, "What will others think?" they will have an answer that feels satisfactory.  That's painful to watch...and likely even more painful to be.

Live out  your inner mermaid (or beaver, or butterfly, or cheetah, or housefly, or chipmunk or...) today!

As you probably know, the Amish believe in living a simple life--no electricity, no telephones, no motorized vehicles. Yet in many of the communities there is a pay phone.  When asked about this apparent discrepancy one elder explained, 
'If the telephone were in our home it would control us. 
As long as it is out here we control it.' He went on to say, 
'Most people drop everything they are doing the instant 
the telephone rings and run to answer it. 
In their lives the telephone takes precedent over everything. 
(Of course cell phones have only made this addiction far worse.) 
The pay telephone, on the other hand, is our servant. 
It is there if we need it but we do not allow it to intrude into our lives.'"




To say I'm a little bit passionate about helping couples find ways of staying married in a vital, life-giving way is like saying the pope is a little bit Catholic.  Although of course there are times when it makes sense to end a marriage, no one sets out to have their marriage fail.  And yet so many do.

Almost 2/3's of couples who divorce do so without ever having seen a marriage therapist.  Wow...that's a ton of people ending their marriages, dividing their assets, having legal hassles, committing their children to the "back and forth" of staying connected with both parents (if they are fortunate), or having children lose much or all contact with a parent.

What's worse is that I've worked with some of the 1/3 who divorce after seeing a marriage therapist.  What's heartbreaking is that by the time they come in, it's bad.  Really bad.  They are coming to see a marriage counsellor because a mother or a friend have said, "Don't divorce before you try counselling".  So, they essentially have made up their mind, but they make an appointment.  In essence, they are "dotting the i and crossing the t" by seeing a therapist before they end the relationship.  There's not a lot I can do in these situations when the thread that connects husband and wife has snapped before they enter my office.

In the old days...two or three generations ago, people lived in tight knit small communities.  When there were marital struggles, it became apparent to the extended family and neighbors, and because of the close and regular contact people had with each other, it was natural for an aunt or a grandfather or neighbor to intervene.  A spouse confided in someone who offered support to the couple.  Or someone would pull him aside and point out that they'd seen him being nasty to his spouse when he'd had too much to drink at last week's social at the hall.  People butted into each others' business and there was support and help for those who needed it to get their marriage back on track.

Now, no doubt, the system had its faults.  People were nosy and it was invasive.  Women were told to go back to their husbands and tolerate the abuse.  The system was FAR from perfect.  But in large part, it worked.  The social fabric supported people to make it through the inevitable rough patches a relationship goes through, and to weather the storms of life with support from the community.

Now, many are isolated from family and our air conditioned houses with attached garages, and busy lifestyles mean that many experience significant relationship stress anonymously.  There are few, if any, people to talk to and get support from.  The family safety net may be nonexistent. Like it or not, the role of the marriage therapist is important given the societal and cultural shifts...each couple, I believe could benefit from a resource that they connect with regularly...either as a touchstone to ensure that things are still working, or a contact that is easy to go to when a rough patch is hit.  All marriages hit a rough patch...it's hard to begin going to a stranger to talk to someone to talk about how bad it is.  That's when it is helpful to have a contact who is familiar...and it's good to have someone you can go to when the problem is a 2 or 3 out of 10.  If you wait until it is an 8 or 9, it's a lot harder.  When people wait until it's a 10 or 11...then, well, why wait so long.

People develop a relationship with a physician...go in for the annual physical...nip the high blood pressure when it's present but not yet caused a stroke.  Find out about cholesterol levels and address them early--we wouldn't think it wise to wait until after the heart attack before talking to a physician about health...why do we wait so long with our marriages? Testing reveals osteoporosis long before a person breaks a bone...and treatment begins to prevent the body from crumbling.  You go to ask the doctor about the lump when it is the size of the marble...we shake our heads at those who wait until it is the size of a baseball...but too many wait until they've got basketball sized problems in their marriage to seek help (if they seek it at all),

What will it take for people to pay as much attention to marital health as physical health?

A blog article from the New York Times recently said:

“You don’t wait to see the dentist until something hurts — you go for checkups on a regular basis,” said James V. Córdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who wrote “The Marriage Checkup” (Jason Aronson, 2009). “That’s the model we’re testing. If people were to bring their marriages in for a checkup on an annual basis, would that provide the same sort of benefit that a physical health checkup would provide?”

Although Dr. Córdova and colleagues are still tallying the data, preliminary findings show that couples who take part in the program do experience improvements in marital quality. By working with couples before they are unhappy, the checkup identifies potentially “corrosive” behaviors and helps couples make small changes in communication style before their problems spiral out of control.

My recommendation to you is to make a contact with a marriage therapist...one that has been around for a while, and doesn't seem like s/he is going anywhere...go in for a session or two to get to know the therapist.  Get comfortable with the idea of seeing one before you need to see one, and establish a connection.  Do a health relationship check with him/her if they have a program for that.  If not, try a marriage check up on line.  The Relate tool is a place to start...you can take it on your own for $40 US and get a fancy-shmancy report...it will give you something to talk about with each other and a therapist.

If you've birthed a child, you probably remember going to birthing classes, where the instructor insisted you practice positions and breathing well before you started labor...so that when labor hit, it was easier to go into a practiced mode of coping.

What I'm suggesting is a once or twice per year checkin with a therapist that may have some benefit like an oil change would have on a car...great maintenance.  However, even more importantly, it builds in the experience of talking about your marriage with someone who is supportive and helpful...it's REALLY TOUGH to do that for the first time when you're already in crisis...and it will be too easy to postpone it until it's too late. Know what if feels like to be talking about marital issues with a counsellor, find a counsellor you can work effectively with, and have them "in your back pocket" to pull out when needed. 

Many go see a dentist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist, a physician, a specialist of some sort periodically to maintain their health or to "nip the problems in the bud"...they have a contact when things go sour...and can make the contact fast. Pay as much attention to your marital health as your physical health...for those who don't pay attention to either, think about both.

You'll not only be doing yourself a favor, but your spouse and your kids as well.
 

The iPads have arrived...and with it, our official launch of feedback enhanced therapy. They are so much fun to use, and learning how to use them has been a breeze...here is Jen Tan, one of our therapists, trying one out:


I got a call from Dr. Eric Kuelker, a psychologist with Mental Health Pros, last fall.  He called to tell me about a   the largest mental health portal on the web.  In addition to allowing clients full access to written information, video and audio seminars, mental health inventories, and the like, it also allows clients access to a secure and private electronic journal for them to organize their thoughts prior to a session.  This journal can be for a client's own use, or the client can allow the therapist to see it prior to the session to allow the session to be focused on the target at the launch of a session.

The most significant factor of Mental Health Pros is that it allows therapists to check in with therapists to see how they are doing, and how they are perceiving therapy.  Our new iPads allow the therapist and client to use less than a minute at the beginning and end of each session to do a "check".  The research speaks to the incredible ability of this to allow the therapist to adjust and tweak the approach to maximize the effectiveness of therapy for each client.

No two people are alike.  If you have more than one child,  you know that what works for one child, and is generally recognized to be an effective strategy for parenting, may not work for the other child.  One infant may want to be held upright, another held tight on his belly, or loosely on her back.  One student benefits from written instructions, another by talking themselves throught it; one by repetition, another by creative problem solving.  One employee benefits from watching others for a while, another learns best by jumping right in and learning by experience.  Different strategies have varying degrees of effectiveness because we're all different. And because we're all different, what works for each person in counselling is also different.

Therapists have long recognized this, and seek to work with each client, adjusting their approach.  However, historically, we've done this haphazardly, by working to "read" our clients' preferences without overt discussion, and sometimes in the intense work of counselling, it can be overlooked.

At Bergen and Associates, we take research seriously, and the evidence is solid.  We need to take a look at how clients are perceiving the effectiveness of therapy, and how well the therapist is working with them.  The evidence is clear, has been replicated in repeated double blind studies (the "gold standard" for research):

• Improvement in a person's functioning is greater when close attention is paid to how well the client feels the therapy is progressing.  This was measured by therapists dividing their caseloads in half...one half were asked for verbal feedback as per usual, and one half completed the objective outcomes. The clients that provided objective feedback had on average, double the amount of positive change, than those who did not.
  
• When therapists use outcome measures with couples, they report a greater sense of happiness in their marriage than when it is not used.  This sense of greater marital satisfaction continues to hold 8 months after therapy has ended.
• Researchers looked at the separation rate of couples...what difference did objectively measuring feedback make? When therapists got regular objective feedback from each spouse during therapy versus the control group who did not get this feedback, it was significantly different.  The number of couples who had separated in the six months after therapy was cut in half when they were in the group who were able to increase the effectiveness of therapy with objective feedback.

Dr. Kuelker didn't have to convince me on the importance of getting a good working alliance with my clients.  I teach students at the University of Manitoba, and I spend time each year with them, showing the evidence that says that this is the single most important factor to a successful outcome.  What I was a little skeptical about was how much difference such brief objective measures could make to the outcome of therapy.  I needed to see for myself...and so I tried this system out for myself.

I have been using this system for the last 10 months or so.  I have become convinced that this has made me a better therapist, allowed me to work more effectively with each client, and has allowed clients that I work with to be able to move more effectively into their future. It creates possibilities for more effective conversations.  It allows clients to let me know how we can make adjustments so that sessions work better. It aknowledges that clients have an important role in helping establish the rhythm and style of the session.  It recognizes that each individual and couple will have a slightly different preferred way of doing therapy--and it allows the client to help shape what that looks like.

I am aware that clients invest significant resources and are willing to risk becoming very vulnerable with us--we have a HUGE obligation to provide the very best experience and outcome possible for each client.

I take this seriously, and we are now set up to have each new client be enrolled in the Mental Health Pros system, with all of its advantages.

All of the therapists are now using this system with new clients. It's a new era for Bergen and Associates.  The recent release of the iPad is great timing for us (well, except the loooong wait for these little delights to arrive--they were on serious back order--but they finally came last week)...it facilitates the completion of the tools on a system that is easy for all clients to use.  Mental Health Pros is a secure site that holds the information for us, and graphs the results so instantly both client and therapist (and referring physician if the client wishes) can see what difference the therapy is making in a person's life.  If something isn't working, and we can see that, we can very quickly make decisions about how best to proceed.

Of course, if a client prefers to do therapy without this resource, this will certainly be respected.  Our goal is to provide you with the best experience possible...and your input and wishes shape this experience "from the ground up"--if you are not comfortable with this, then please let us know.

I'm excited about this enhanced ability to work even more effectively with clients.

Not long ago, I was finishing up with a client* that I worked with for a few months.  We used the formal objective feedback measures, adjusting and tweaking as we went along.  At the end of our last session, she said, "I feel lighter leaving here now than when I came in, in the beginning.  Really, I feel lighter.  I feel like I got a monkey off my back during the time I was here."  With a sparkling wink, she asked, "Is it OK for me to leave that monkey here?" 

My response:  "Absolutely, leave it here.  We've got a closet specifically for holding monkeys. "

*This client offered permission to use parts of her story in ways that would be helpful to others. 

"What God has joined together, let no one come between"
...with those words a good friend of mine completed the formal part of the vows for a couple dear to me. 

Those words were spoken at Pineridge Hollow near Winnipeg.  The weather was perfect, with the sun shining brightly and yet it was comfortable. The grass was green, the bride was beautiful, and the couple and their families were clearly delighted by the day’s events. The facility had sprayed for mosquitoes and so the pesky critters who are out of control generally, didn’t disturb the festivities.  It was beautiful.

The line above, for me, hung in the air. As a marriage therapist who works with couples in distress, I know how the days ahead for this couple, as with any couple, will inevitably face some dark days where there will be a moment of choice involved. This line is no mere pleasant tradition. At various points in their lives, over the years of marriage, each spouse will have various moments where they will have to make a decision. That decision will be a vote “for” the marriage or “against” the marriage. The line above, spoke in one form or another, will be in almost every wedding ceremony. It is spoken in the ceremony blithely, as part of the normal routine of a ceremony…but those words are powerful ones which spouses can choose to enforce…or not.

I was reminded of Shirley Glass’ work on “walls and windows” when I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. (Glass, incidently, is a fabulously serendipitous surname for her work on walls and windows, in the category of the inventor of the toilet having the last name of “Crapper”!) As I understand it, she warns that affairs often begin with extremely innocently, as a joke or a struggle at work that has two people feel warmly with each other. And, in a moment of connection, one tells the other something that is something that ordinarily would be held in confidence between husband and wife. For example, two co-workers together unfairly face the wrath of a boss. After the boss leaves, and they debrief and support each other, he discloses to her that he felt this way after his wife got angry with him for staying at work late for working on this very project. 

A tiny window is opened in this relationship. 

When he gets home from work, he knows that his wife wouldn’t feel comfortable with him disclosing about last’s night argument with a colleague, particularly a female one, so he conveniently avoids telling her.

A wall is erected in his marriage.

This is innocent. There is no ill intent. Heck, ill intent isn’t even on the radar. However, there is a window where there should be a wall, and a wall where a window is meant to be. This is dangerous. It is a set up for the wall to get thicker and higher, and the window to gradually get larger, in such a sinister way that no one may notice the danger until it feels too late, that it becomes very difficult, and it may feel impossible to stop.

So it sets up the husband in the example above to go on a business lunch with this co-worker the following week, without mentioning it to his wife, which turns into a quick social drink after work. His co-worker continues to be supportive of him as she hears of how he struggles in this marriage that he wants to work, but feels discouraged by. Gradually, he confides in her more and more, and she is always supportive (which is easy when not sharing bills, diaper duty, and a busy schedule) and so it develops into “more than friends” before anyone realizes.

When God joins something together, not only do others have to make sure that no others come between, but each spouse in the couple needs to monitor the walls and windows of the relationship carefully, to preserve the integrity of the relationship.

Affairs can happen to good people, to people who love their spouses, to people who have no intention of getting in an affair. Affairs can happen to people who have NO intention of ending their marriage or of hurting their spouse.  Recovery from infidelity is possible, but it is a lengthy process…prevention is the way to go. For an excellent article that is an interview with Dr. Glass on the topic of infidelity, read here.

Why don't you walk through the building of your relationship right now, and do a "walls and windows" check.  Be honest.  Really honest.  Because those of you who need this inventory the most, will be at greatest risk to fool yourself into thinking that it's "no big deal".  Don't let denial now destroy your marriage later.  Please don't let self-deception lay the ground work for the death of your marriage, the destruction of a household, the devastation of your spouse, and life long ripple effects for your children. 

There is little that is more beautiful than watching a son conquer, with the help of a mother's love and support...and especially so, when the son awes us with something that, is in itself, beautiful.

Inspiration:

• Conner has overcome significant challenges against all odds to do something that does him proud. That does a heart good to see. For those that face challanges, to witness this is fuel for the road.
• There is little that is more attractive to me in life than to see the pure admiration of a parent for a child.  Unadulterated love mixed with joy at seeing them loving themselves.  His mother, Amy, has that look in her eyes. That's awesome and the beauty in that makes my soul shiver.
  
• The gentle delicate graceful arcs of the kite as it soars to the haunting music of Sarah McLachlan's angel.  Breathtaking.

Conor Dolan was eliminated from America's Got Talent last night.  Pity.

I can't be sure, of course, but I am almost certain that didn't diminish his mom's pride in him one bit.  Big smile on that one.

I was having trouble sleeping last night.  And no, not because it was too unbearably hot--it had been a very warm day, but there was a slight breeze coming in the window that was gradually cooling the room.  And no, not because the wedding I attended had me thinking about the beauty of love.

I had trouble sleeping because it was too warm to use my quilt.  It was one of those nights to sleep without covers.  But that doesn't work for me.  Let me explain.

When I was a small child, I lived in a house with a back lane.  In my back yard, there was a telephone pole.  At night, when it was dark, cars would travel down the back lane, and the light from their headlights would shine on my ceiling.  As the car moved down the backlane, the shadow of the hydro pole would travel across the ceiling. The movement on the ceiling seemed monstrous, horrifyingly attacking, and it created gut wrenching terror in my little belly. 

I was convinced this combination of light and shadows would be the end of me.  Although my parents explained that it was the shadows and headlights and was harmless, it was irrelevant.  I was terrified anyways. I don't think it was that I didn't believe them when they explained what it was. I think it was more that I thought they were out of touch in not realizing the danger of these dancing monster lights and shadows on the ceiling.  I mean, they were parents and all, so how could they possibly understand how very frightening my little world was.

But these monstrous shadows and lights came nightly, and with parents who, after providing reassurance, left me to be in this terrifying situation on my own, I was left to my own devices to figure out a strategy to deal with this.  I was genuinely frightened night after night, and as there was no immediate solution with someone helping me, I was going to have to figure it out myself.

I found that if I pulled the cover up over my ears, I could feel the weight of the blanket on my head, and it kept me safe.  I suspect it also helped to shield my eyes from the ceiling's dangerous light dance, rather like a brim on a baseball cap.  In any case, as a very young child, I associated comfort and safety by having the weight of a comforter well up on my head.

Problem is, that is still my cue to fall asleep...the weight of a comforter on my head.  I'm loooong past worrying about dancing lights on the ceiling coming to get me.  It had been a long time since I thought of those days. When I go to bed now, I don't think about needing to cover my ears with a blanket so the monsters I used to be scared of won't hurt me.  See, when I want to fall asleep, I automatically pull the blanket up over my ears without planning it or thinking about it.  I just do it.  That's the natural thing for me to do.  I don't think about it, I'm not aware of it.  It's a long standing pattern of falling asleep. I don't cover my ear with a quilt because of the monster, I cover my ear with a quilt so that I can fall asleep.

So, last night I lay in bed working to fall asleep, wondering how I could accomplish not overheating myself under a heavy quilt but still feeling the way I need to feel to fall asleep.  Don't suggest a light sheet...sheets don't work...too light.  I wrestle with this annually, and I resorted to the tried and true method, (that I rediscover every summer) which might look a little odd, but no one is looking:  The quilt is behind me in the middle of the bed, and I sleep without covers EXCEPT for the corner of the quilt which is pulled up over my shoulder to cover my ear.  It worked.

It reminds me of how we all have patterns we use which we learned in childhood.  Patterns which arose out of a certain situation, and worked well there.  They served their original purpose, and allowed us, as children, a way to establish safety and security for ourselves.  And. They. Worked.

Then. 

They were important strategies for us to use as children as we sought to survive in a big and scary world.  Sometimes, our fears were real, but the threat wasn't (like the moving lights and shadows on my ceiling). 

Other times, the fears and the threats were real...alcoholic parents, an uncle who was uncomfortably friendly, or a parent who left and stopped living with you.  There were things you did to cope which worked.  However, those coping patterns become a habit because they feel good, are comfortable and provide security.  You continue to use them, without even knowing that you have them.  You use them because they give you a feeling of safety--without even realizing that you do is "this" way, rather than "that" way.

At some point though (like for me when it was quite warm last night) the way you naturally do something becomes a problem and it no longer works.  And that is when the challenge rises to free yourself from what you've always done, to a greater variety of strategies.  

• a best friend died when you were a child, and you remembered how much it hurt.  You decided to never let someone get that close to you so that you couldn't get hurt like that again.  Only as the years pass by, you notice that sometimes it feels lonely
  
• someone on the playground gave you a compliment, but in a mocking way.  You misunderstood at first and thought it was genuine.  It seemed like everyone was laughing at you for you actually thinking that he thought you were pretty.  Now you can't take a compliment if your life depends on it.
• When your dad yelled, he swung.  You learned that the hard way, and were very good at ducking.  Now, when anyone raises their voice, you shrink from the conversation and do your best to exit the situation.  This is a bit of a problem because your boss says you have every quality to be promoted except dealing with conflict.

Sometimes the root is obvious and a person is conscious of it.  Sometimes...well sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes it takes a little pondering to start to understand the root cause of a behavior.  Kinda like taking a car in for repair when it is making a strange noise...addressing the problem once you know what is causing it makes it easier. 

Last night, as I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble sleeping, I realized it was the "blanket over the ears" that was causing the problem. Once I realized that I didn't have to have the blanket over my whole body (which would have cooked me to well done last night), I made a goofy looking adaptation and it worked!

I've helped people similarly...

• someone discovers she hates winter at 5:00 not because that is when her husband comes home from work (which was the only thinking at the time), but because that is dusk and that creates a feeling inside of her that is noxious.  It was at dusk that she had been assaulted.
• someone feels like he is spending too much time with his girlfriend...he wonders if he should be using that as a cue to break up.  Then we explore and discover that what really is the issue is that the amount of time he is spending with his parents has been drastically cut because of this relationship.  His parents are an important part of his stability and well being.  He is relieved to know that he will feel better when he spends more time with them.  Breaking up with his girlfriend is not necessary.

You get the picture.  When your body is trying to tell you something, listen carefully, and allow yourself to choose an optimal strategy.

I was out in my front yard this morning, pulling weeds and putting in  a few late plants to fill in the holes that are left by some of the early bloomers.  The lilies will bloom soon.  I noticed this morning, in the early morning sun, how they are oriented:

I had the camera straight up and down...it's the flowers that are leaning.  I had noticed that they were not vertical before, but had never thought much of it.  The way they are leaning is away from the sidewalk, so the passersby will not get the best of the beauty of the lilies when they bloom.  The way they are leaning is towards the morning sun.

See, the thing of it is this:  they don't get any afternoon sun, or evening sun.  The elm trees that line the boulevard provide a thick shady canopy that blocks the sun.  The only time they get the sun is in the morning, and so they reach towards it, big time.

Flowers aren't so different from people in that way, huh?  We naturally lean towards sources of warmth in our life as well.  People who exude safety and comfort in our lives are attractive and attracting.  Those who provide us with nourishment for our soul are people we long to be with. 

There are those you long to have close to you...people who you care about, want to be with, who you want to protect and love.  Be like the sun to them and allow nature to take its course.  It's not always easy, and people aren't as simple as flowers.  I get that.  But to deny the power of being a safe, warm, nourishing place for someone you long to have close to you, to cynically brush the power of that off is a cop out. It makes a difference.

If your spouse seems distant, your child hostile,  or your friend has given you the cold shoulder...take a deep breath, (supporting yourself big time as you do this) and show some sincere warmth to the other.  Stick with it, not being a door mat, but being a constant warm presence. See what happens.