August 2010

I was on vacation with my crew this month.  We went through Calgary, Banff, Lake Louise, Athabasca Falls, ice fields, Sunwapta Rapids, and more.  The beauty was simply staggering, the sights were awesome.  Took my breath away.  We stopped the vehicle often, just to get out and gaze at the magnificence of the beauty of the peaks and valleys, the brooks and waterfalls, the wildlife and the wildflowers.  We hiked up mountains and rafted on white water.  We went past the tree line, up into the clouds on foot and by gondola to look down at the icy blue glacier lakes and the green grandeur of endless trees. WOW.  Wow doesn't do it justice, but sometimes words for such beauty don't exist.  Wow.

Then we went to Edmonton. Had a riot in the water park, slid down one slide after the other, played tricks on each other in the wave pool, had contests zipping down slides that seemed as though they were straight down (felt that way looking down, anyway). Shopped till we dropped…which is fun to do at West Edmonton Mall.

In short, we saw sights and sounds that are incredible and eye popping for these prairie eyes. Fields of wheat are beautiful and awe, but the mountains take the breath away for these prairie people.

Un –buh-live-able.

But, you know what I think I will remember always and forever about this trip?

The work it took these city slickers (and the incredible number of pages of the Alberta Accomodation and Camping Guide—a thick book which is no more) to get a fire going so we could make our tin foil casseroles. We tried this and that, added paper, bark, kindling. We blew on it until we were faint, stung our eyes with smoke till we were blind and still it only smoldered. We laughed and giggled at our ineptness. After it was dark, we roasted marshmallows, occasionally saying something, but mostly gazing at the flames silently…together.

Eating packaged pasta and plain cooked chicken thighs on plastic plates sitting on mattresses in a tiny tent. We were somewhat relieved that our supper was finally cooked, and the tent set up in the rain. We were proud that we had accomplished setting up camp. The youngest of the crew declare that this was the most delicious supper he had ever tasted—and he meant it.

Spending all day in the vehicle together, getting out at various stops, listening to a story on CD from the public library, stopping it to answer questions or discuss our thoughts on a part of the plot…just being together, and realizing at the end of it, that, rather than being relieved that the day of driving was over, we were reveling in how good it was to spend the day together as we had.

A moment in the wave pool, when one of the crew was misbehaving and I ordered a time out. With disbelief that he would be sentenced to a time out at his age, he tried to cajole me out of it. I was persistent, and to his (and my) surprise, I began to count as I haven’t done for years. Holding up fingers to match my words, I began, “One…Two…” and before I could get to three, he left over with a sparkle in his eye, and the most charming and impish grin on his face, and held my third finger in my palm, stopping it before it could be raised…and gently and in a friendly way made his point for what his behavior actually meant and why he shouldn’t have to go sit “time out”. It was a delightful moment, where boy becomes man. In a mature way, he didn’t turn sour or bitter, but took the critque in stride, and advocated for himself. It was wonderful. He was effective, but he wasn’t successful. :) He still had to have time out and leave the pool—the site of his transgression…but this time out, after a few minutes I sat with him and we talked about this and that, and “timeout” did not fracture relationship, even for a moment.

I will remember this vacation for the conversations, hearing the insights, reveling in the joys of being together. Knowing the crew won’t be this age forever, and that these moments need to be captured and squeezed for all they are worth. I'm realizing now, when I look back over the years, it has been the little moments in between the big moments that are the ones that are coming back.  I'm remembering the little things that went wrong, the laughter we shared more than the "big money" events. So I'm treasuring the simple and mundane as something holy and significant.

I had already thought all of this through when I saw this video, which says it even better, inspiring us to hold onto the moments, and allows us to mourn with bittersweetness those that will never return.

Elephants have a gestation of 22 months.  That's a long time to be pregnant...can you imagine the swollen ankles and trips up at night to pee for months and months on end for the average pachyderm?  But the result is so worth the wait:

Today my sister in law’s “pregnancy” ended—gestation of 64 months…over 5 years. Beat the elephant by a mile. I’m a new auntie, as her arms were at last filled with the little one who has been waited and longed for. It’s a beautiful picture that I’ve looked at dozens of times today when it was emailed from halfway across the world.  There she is, with the biggest grin on her face, the faces of the rest of the family just glowing...even after 2 1/2 days of travel immediately before.

B, like many adoptive moms, has not had the pain (and privilege) of a sore back and stretch marks for this child, but has the very different pain of unexpected delays, repeated form completion, “just one more step” more times that can be counted, more unexpected delays, multiple layers of beaureaucracy to adopt her little girl. It was an ordeal to wait much longer than had been originally anticipated, and she and my brother have anxiously checked websites and talked with others to gain what information they could as they waited and waited and waited….and waited some more.

I’ve learned much about the experience of waiting for a chosen child over the last months. Indeed over the last years, I’ve watched my brother, his wife, and their children as they wait. I’ve had other friends wait for children from Ethiopia, or China, or Haiti and the US. I’ve worked with families experiencing infertility and adoption anguish. But these last months, there are times when I myself have felt such longing for my niece that I’ve found myself spending hours at a time floating around the blog world of the adoption experience, reading and soaking up much information about the topic. It was a little way I could feel a little less lonely and a little more connected to the little one.  I realize my situation is not nearly the same as a parent's, but I've been waiting for her too.  It’s been alternately heartwarming and gutwrenching to read of the experiences

Highlights of what I’ve learned:

1. The adoption triad: The birth parent(s), the adoptive parent(s), the child. Each member of the adoption triad has different joys, challenges, and pain.

• For many birth parents, giving up a child to be raised by another set of parents involves insight, wisdom, and an ability to see beyond the immediate pull to know what is realistic and optimal. It is an act of selflessness to release the child into the arms of another. The loss of a birth parent continues for life. I was moved by adoptive parents recognizing and acknowledging the joy they receive is as a result of extremely painful life situation of the birth parents (death, illness, poverty, limited resources). 
  
• The adoptive parents have longed for and desired a child. Many, though not all, have also undergone the challenges and pain of infertility for years before the arduous decision and process of adoption. Adoptive parents undergo a rigourous examination of their fitness to be parents that many birth parents would be horrified by. They are forced to be vulnerable in exposing many facets of their lives to social workers, and to make difficult choices about what sort of child they would accept. It seems the only consistent thing about adoption is the inconsistency of paperwork and process. Misunderstanding abound as there is multiple languages, cultures, and political systems involved in layers of beaureacracy in multiple countries. Waiting is a skill that all adoptive parents get plenty of practice at.
  
• Children: At the center of it all are the children…deeply loved. Some have been in orphanages for varying amounts of time, with varying levels of funding and, therefore, child care support. These children, while having great opportunities for health care, education, quality of life, and incredibly loving parents, are pulled from the familiar environments and must adjust to living with people who are initially strangers, often speaking another language, serving different foods and so on. No matter how loving the adoptive parents are, many still feel a gaping hole in their souls where the connection to the mother who carried them for 9 months and then perhaps more was severed. That longing for the place and people from which they came can be present for a lifetime in an unutterable fashion.

2. Adoption blogs abound. Each member of the adoption triad has something to write about, and many, many blogs are well written, poignant stories of waiting and wanting by adoptive parents, longing and regret from birth parents, and confusion and sorting out by adopted children, now adults. People like to write about adoption, to tell their stories. There seems to be healing in sharing the ups and downs…there are higher highs and lower lows during this process than can be imagined. There seems to be significant clusters of people that spontaneously and organically form that support each other as they share similar experiences, the same adoption agency, adopt children from the same country and so on. The support they give each other is incredible to virtually witness. People can be incredibly kind to one another.

3. Adoption is something that continues to make many people uncomfortable. My little niece is utterly beautiful. She’s also clearly of a different ethnic background than my brother and his wife. From what I’ve read, well meaning but uninformed comments will be spoken to them that will emphasize her differentness, set her apart, or ask question which will be naïve and potentially hurtful. Many adoptive parents work hard to be gracious, but imagine the punch in the gut a woman feels when she proudly enters the store with her child in her arms after waiting for years and someone asks: “Where do her REAL parents live?” Ouch. Imagine the confusion of a child who is very much a part of a family and a culture, yet at various times is reminded that s/he is not like the others.  Many bloggers would "blow off steam" with some of the outrageous things they heard.

4. Attachment is huge. At Bergen and Associates Counselling, we operate very much out of “attachment theory” which suggests that we as human beings are wired to connect very closely to our primary caregivers, and that that close connection is key to helping us feel safe in a world which can be scary. That primary caregiver works with the child to help discover their world by being a secure base from which to explore the world. These attachments are critical in setting us up for healthy friendships and marriages in life. Many in the adoption world understand the complexities of attachment, the way in which our brains are wired for and by healthy attachment, and are incredibly aware that adoptions need to occur with secure attachment/secure base needs of a child in mind. The willingness to explore and understand brain science, child development, and healthy faciitation of that in creative ways is incredible. I so admired the lengths adoptive parents go through to help their child bond with them, providing incredible levels of support and security to children who struggle with the terror of so much change in their young lives.

I could go on and on about the profoundness and complexity. But I’ll stop. Not only do I have to go look at the beautiful photo of my niece surrounded by the members of her immediate family (one more time, or maybe 2 or 3), I have to check the blog of a friend for updates, who you’ll note in my August 22, 2010 blog entry, wrote a comment that she has just received her referral. This is after 10 years of waiting…five and a half times as long as an elephant’s gestation! I don’t believe ecstatic is a word that accurately describes her level of jubilation. Congrats, big time, R!

 

Our Smith Street location once again has openings available for new clients.

Nadia Sawaya has begun seeing clients at both of our locations, on Pembina Highway as well as the downtown location at Smith and York Streets.  Nadia is warm and engaging, and has an enthusiasm for her craft that makes her great to work with.  As we've been orienting Nadia to our processes and paper streams, we've noticed how she is always on top of what she needs to know, asks questions to close the information gaps, and generally is great at paying close attention to detail.  We're really going to enjoy having her around.

I've never met a bitter person who was thankful,
Or a thankful person who was bitter

Nick Vujicic

From www.StayHitched.com:

Is Premarital Counselling for you?

The short answer is a resounding YES. Getting married without pre-marriage prep is like starting a business or any important venture without preparing. Half of all marriages end in divorce and only half of those that endure are truly happy in the long run. Many happy engaged couples assume that they won't be contributing to these statistics. Some mistakenly believe that having lived together or known each other for a long time will prepare them for marriage. Surprisingly, research shows that cohabiting couples have no better chance at marriage success than others.
 
If you just wing it and count on your luck and romantic attachment to make your marriage a success, your odds are only one in four. There is another way.

I'm in the relationship preservation and restoration business.  I love what I do...there's nothing better than helping a person discover that s/he really enjoys being the person that s/he is (relationship to self), or helping a couple reconnect after a time of disconnect (interpersonal relationships), or helping someone discover their relationship to their Maker (relationship to God).  But my dream (and it is a dream, I know) is to work myself out of a job...to have people maintain and enhance their connections so that repair becomes unnecessary.

That's where premarital counselling comes in.  My tech team (ok, there's just one of him, but he's good and "team" sounds fun) just finished a video on premarital counselling.  I love the idea that couples give themselves the opportunity to build skills in areas that are helpful for them as they prepare for a lifetime together.  Premarital counselling is a great gift to give the happy couple as a gift, or to gift yourselves.

Ironically, couples will often not want to spend several hundred dollars on premarital counselling because of the number of expenses associated with getting married.  Question:  What percentage of the budget is going towards the single day of celebration?  What percentage of the budget is going towards preparing you as a couple for the rest of your lives?  Where will you invest?

I went white water rafting the other day down the Sunwapta River near Jasper, Alberta.  Level 3 rafting...not for the faint of heart, helmets required.  It was a blast...a little terrifying to anticipate, but a blast to remember.


As part of making it a great experience, Jeff, our guide, spent a lot of time teaching us how to do it, and how to do it safely.


As he spent time teaching us, I found that his lessons aren't just good for white water rafting, but for life. 

Lessons learned:

Sometimes life is what it is, and that can be OK. 
If you worked for a white water rafting company and you had a choice between driving a van and careening down the river on a white water raft, which, do you imagine, you would prefer?  Jeff, our boat guide, and his partner both wanted the fun job.
It's not the first or the last time that a decision is made by "rock paper scissors".  Sometimes there is no obvious way for 2 people to decide who should get their way.  Sometimes in life there isn't a "win/win" possibility. It can be OK.  Jeff's partner had an extra few minutes to work on his tan, even though he didn't get his first choice. He had a sense of humor and chose to enjoy the day even though he didn't get his choice.

When facing a challenge, having the proper tools makes all the difference.
Early morning weather in the mountains is chilly.  Water that was part of a glacier just hours before is chillier.  They gave us wet suits, fleecey sweaters, rain jackets, gloves, and water boots.  Helmets.  Life jackets.  I felt safe going down the river with all of that stuff.  I felt comfortable and able to enjoy the experience.  Being armed with the right equipment to handle our adventure prepared us to handle what was ahead.
Do you have a budget to handle your finances?  Does a financial planner help you figure out what you can afford?  Do you have a plan for the next time a discussion gets heated, and one of you wants to leave? Get the tools.  'Nuff said.

Safety is #1. 
Learn more than you expect you will need to ensure you will be safe.  You need to know what to do when you're scared before you are scared.  Knowing what to do will keep you calm.  Staying calm in the crisis is critical to safely making it through.
Jeff taught us what to do if we fall out of the boat.  He taught us an offensive swim and a defensive swim.  He taught us what to do around tree branches that are in the water or just above the water.  He taught us what to do if the boat capsizes.  He taught us how to catch a safety line.  I could go on.  They are rarely needed, but when you need them, you REALLY need them. We ended up needing none of these skills, but we had them if we needed them.  The over-preparation made the whole thing a lot more fun--we were prepared for what could happen.  If there is one thing I've learned in counselling, its how much people avoid situations that are frightening and they don't know how to handle. (And then how much they lose out!)  Learning strategies for situations which frighten can be invaluable in moving forward.  Often a person doesn't need all those strategies because life turns out to be a lot less scary than anticipated, but having those skills makes approaching the feared task possible. (whether it be asking a girl out, or applying for a first job, or having a conversation about money with your spouse)

Learning happens best when calm. 
Doing something for the first time when stressed doesn't work so good.
Jeff taught us the instructions he was going to use, and modeled them at the side of the river.  Then he let the boat in at a place that had quiet waters, and we practiced what we needed to learn on still seas.  When we got to the rough stuff, we were competent in our ability to listen to his instructions. We could quickly follow his instructions because they were a solid part of our repertoire of skills. Practice is important.  Don't expect to effectively use your newly found conflict resolution skills when using them for the first time "in the heat of the moment".  Practicing when calm may seem silly, but if it works for white water rafting, why not for conflict, too?

Working together as a team takes practice.  Working together as a team is fun.  Working as a team is effective.
There were five of us in the boat...we were taught to follow the rowers at the front of the boat.  The two rowers at the front of the boat learned to use eye contact and head signals to row in tandem...and the rest of us followed behind.  We needed to work together to make it down the road safely. We weren't perfect, but we worked at it and got better. 

Smile but keep paddling.
Jeff let us know that the driver would be taking photo of us half way down the rapids.  He wanted us to smile for the camera...he also wanted us to keep paddling.  Wise words. Sometime in the middle of doing great, we stop to admire ourselves, and the ball gets dropped.

When you achieve something big, celebrate with the team. 
Our junior member christened us "Team Fearless" and at various points after passing some challenging rapids, Jeff had us bring our oars together in a "toast" in the center of the boat, and at the end of his "3-2-1" count, we all cheered with our team name.

"Feel the looooove". 
Jeff reminded us that the fun part of white water rafting is getting wet...while that seems obvious, keep in mind that this is glacier water--temperature 3 degrees Celsius.  Getting wet suddenly seemed intimidating.  He encouraged us to embrace and enjoy getting wet.  We took turns leaning out over the front of the boat like hood ornaments during the roughest parts...had a chance to "feel the love".  His encouragement was instrumental in me deciding that I would give myself this opportunity to experience it.  This was a "bucket list experience" for me--it isn't something I'm likely to repeat again in the near future or at all--I could play it safe or I could grab the experience and squeeze it. Too often we label experiences as "good" or "bad" and lose the opportunity to see it differently, and enjoy what the experience has to offer. Sometimes entering a tough discussion about a difficult topic with full frontal energy can lead to exhilirating success.

Even when working hard in adverse conditions, don't forget to look around and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.
It would have been a shame to miss the mountains, the sunshine, the trees.  Focusing only on the challenge meant we would have missed a huge part of the experience.  Life is more than the immediate stressor, and it's beautiful.  Wow, was it beautiful.

Thanx for the lessons, Jeff.

Apparently, using the laws of aerodynamics, bumblebees can't create sufficient lift with their wings to lift their bodies.

But, bumblebees can fly.

Clearly they can fly.

Apparently, the approach was all wrong.  If you look at them like helicopters, rather than airplanes, science can prove that they can, in fact, fly.

Funny how science had to catch up with reality. 

A friend came home today from overseas.  She had the controversial procedure done that people with Multiple Sclerosis have been asking the government to consider funding.  It's called the "Liberation Procedure" for obvious reasons.  I went to her fundraiser a few weeks ago...it's a huge investment to go.  It was a venture of faith.

It doesn't make sense that it would work, given what modern medicine knows about MS.

But today, as they arrived home, she was the one pushing her husband in the wheelchair as they greeted their friends and family at the airport.  Hilarious.  Great sense of humor, that woman has.  The image is priceless. C has been noticing improvement in her body since the procedure was done over a week. ago.
It might not make sense.  But she's noticeing improvement.  Science doesn't have to support it to be true.

Changes the possibilities for her.  Big time

Hey, maybe the possibilities can change for any one of us as we face the situation head on, consider the options, do the research, get informed, and "got for it". It may not be conventional or easily explainable.  But who can tell you it won't work?

Think about it.

Love is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and it then subsides.  And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

I'm alive...that's something to be grateful for.

Every once in a while,  the Maker of Life has an opportunity to teach me something that affirms that truth--all the more valuable a lesson when I'm not feeling it.

Let me tell you the story…I’ll try to leave out painstaking details--some of which make the story even more powerful for me and may bore you, but include enough to make it become clear.

I bought a car last week. That’s a huge deal for me. Huge. It was purchased with careful thought, and growing excitement. I was to pick it up last Saturday.

Last Friday when we completed the purchase paperwork, they said to pick it up on Monday instead to allow them to have it properly cleaned. It was 2 days…no big deal.

On Monday, picked up the car, but the last of the paperwork to allow me to insure it wasn’t ready. Told me to come on Tuesday.

I was on my way to the dealership on Tuesday when they told me it still wasn’t ready. They called Wednesday, still not ready. Thursday it was ready—I picked the all important TOD up moments before closing.

Friday, I dashed away from work after a full day and got to Autopac 45 minutes before closing to get insurance for the car. Whew! Problem. They gave me the wrong “Transfer of Ownership Document”. It was for another car. After multiple calls to MPI—with lengthy waiting on hold, and back and forth to the dealership--again being on hold--we realized insuring it was not possible. 

The fellow helping me with this insurance was irate…and to his credit, not at me, even though it was my dealings that kept him in his business 45 minutes after closing time on a summer Friday afternoon. He was  angry on my behalf, at what he perceived was the ineptness of the dealership. He coached me on how angry to be, and what kind of compensation to demand—it was nice to feel his support. Don’t know yet how and when I’ll be able to insure this vehicle…but I expect it will happen. The dealership is working on it.

He asked me if I was the type to get angry. And I replied that at that moment, I wasn’t so angry as I was feeling “beaten”…one thing on top of another at the end of a busy week in a busy month in a busy life.

I hadn’t been home for 5 minutes after now what had been an 11 hour day of  tasks, when I got a text to go pick up the youngest of our pack at a friend’s house. He had gone with friends to the funeral for the spouse of a loved teacher that day. I breathed deeply, and got up, feeling sorry for myself now…I needed a break but I had to get moving again.

I pulled up at the house, and M, my friend, came out of the house. Moving much more slowly than usual, he very quietly and deliberately said, “We got a call from Ontario less than an hour ago. My father died.” He stood there quietly, blank stare, mutely, shock clearly having its hold.

In an instant, his world had changed. He may be in his mid-50’s, but he is now an orphan. His father, the one who gave him life, raised him, supported him, and known him—that father was gone. 

I had just been ready to tell him the drama of the car saga, on the tip of my lips, “You’ll never believe what happened to me today…” Suddenly, it was irrelevant, forgotten, and my internal reaction was one of vague foolishness. What had seemed so overwhelming just a few minutes ago was inconsequential, really.

We left after a few minutes of conversation, with him and his wife sitting on the stoop of their house, in silent stillness; shocked grief.

Next morning—yesterday, I was invited to a brunch at Pine Ridge Hollow (I highly recommend the buckwheat pancakes with lemon and ricotta) for a dear friend, R, who turned 50. R had invited a dozen or so women that were dearest to her to celebrate this milestone with her…and it was an honor to be included in that number.

As she welcomed us, she told us a story. Fourteen years ago this week, R had been at a party with friends from high school, celebrating the birth of a baby of one of their classmates. After a wonderful evening of food and friendship, someone suggested that they gather every year to celebrate. Someone then asked, “What would we celebrate the next year?” R’s best friend since high school, suffering from advanced cancer, leaned over and quietly spoke in her ear, “We can celebrate life.  We can celebrate being here."

R’s best friend lost her battle with cancer, and died less than a month after saying that.

So, remembering that,, R had gathered the women most important to her, and said, “So, today we celebrate life. We celebrate that we can be here. We celebrate that we are here.”

It reminded me of an experience I had many years ago, when I attended FAME (First African Methodist Episcopalian) church in South Los Angeles. It is a place of heaven in the midst of an area that was at the time, being challenged by gangs and socio-economic issues of enormous magnitude. The pastor opened the service with a booming prayer that was spoken with power, “Thank you Lord, that we awoke in our right minds this morning.” The people around me murmered their assent with this prayer…in the crime riddled neighborhood, just being able to awaken alive was something that was truly treasured. This was no idle prayer spoken offhandedly…these people were grateful for life and breath in a way that I take for granted.

I went for a walk this morning, admiring the greenery, the trees, the flowers, the life of cyclists and runners and babies in bike trailers. I was alive, and I was grateful. And life is good. The hassles and realities of life still exist, but my perspective has changed, and they move from the foreground to be replaced, front and center, by an appreciation of life itself.

Have a day of feeling alive. Revel in breath and life. Celebrate that you are here.

"Can I ever get past this?  Can we ever get past this?  Can I ever trust again?  Do I want to try?" These are questions I've heard painfully asked often as couples deal with the raw emotional pain of infidelity.

There was a powerful letter from Brenda Mohan in the Winnipeg Free Press paper today.  With the added pressure of her husband John's infidelity hitting the front page of the paper last year, she was, first and foremost, a woman who'd been cheated on.  And that hurts.  A lot.

This is what she says:

For me, the decision to remain with John was never a question at all. I remember the moment I looked into John's eyes, and saw a very broken, hurting man. That glimpse into his soul is what gave me the determination to stay and walk through this journey with him. In order for us to move forward, I knew I would need to forgive him.

But how?

I soon came to learn that forgiveness begins with the choice and desire to forgive, followed by a continued process of forgiveness. The choice to forgive was made much easier by the remorse and regret that John expressed immediately after he told me what he had done. But all kinds of questions remained.

Was he sincere? Would it last? Could I trust him? Did he really want to be with me? Was I second choice?

These kinds of questions take time to be answered, for trust to be rebuilt and for forgiveness to be extended in its fullness. My deep faith in God as one who restores and offers grace to each of us (myself included) when we fail was the foundation upon which I drew my hope. In spite of what John had done, God still loved him and I needed to love him, too.

I also believed that through this we could have a marriage better than we ever dreamed possible. That God has a way of bringing good from things that look pretty disastrous to us.

Along with the help of our therapist [Todd Sellick], I have also done a lot of reading. Stories of others who have gone through similar situations and came through successfully, books that helped me to understand human nature and why we respond the way we do. But most of all it was important for me to know that I was not the only one to experience pain, that every day many people are experiencing severe pain and hurt for one reason or another and many had successfully moved on and not stayed in their pain. This gave me hope that I could, too. Most of all I want other women to know their marriage is worth fighting for and there is hope after betrayal.

This woman has "been there", and in many ways is still in the middle of "there".  The shadow of infidelity lingers for a long time in a relationship.  She has earned the right to speak to the issue of recovery through the school of hard knocks.  Thanks, Brenda, for your words of wisdom.  Of hope.  Of healing.  Of forgiveness.

They do a soul good to hear.

The emotional health of your grandchildren may be one of the most underrated and most compelling reasons for premarital counselling. I'm not making this up. This will make sense in a minute or two. I promise.

So…how does what a child needs to feel secure relate to counselling before marriage?

Here’s the deal. People who are securely attached to each other make great parents. When husband and wife love each other, become a safe and reliable place for a child to grow. One of the best ways parents can give their kids emotional health is to be good between the two of them. Not conflict free type good. Not two peas in a pod type good. The type of good where there is the ability to work through conflict, to stay connected to each other in the presence of conflict, to have a great friendship with each other, to be a safe place for the other to land when s/he stumbles. Two real people living life, with warts and wonder; burps and beauty; chores, challenges, and cherishing.

 Two real people who are good for each other create a home where a kid feels safe. Safe and anchored. Solid and secure. Loved and loving. A nest where nestling feels safe.

When a child grows up in an environment where mom and dad have significant conflict or aren’t together, it matters. It changes the vibe in the house. Children whose parents aren’t together at all are affected. Judith Wallerstein is a research that looked at the affect of divorce on kids. Initially she found that kids do quite well…when factors such as poverty are taken out of the equation, divorced parents don’t stop a kid from finishing school, going to university, getting a good job. But she wrote a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which went back to those children as adults and found they were profoundly affected in their ability to commit to adult relationships.  In an interview, Wallerstein says:

They [kids of divorce] have a lot of trouble in believing that they can love somebody, or that somebody is going to love them, and that it's going to be a relationship that's going to last. And they're very convinced that they're going to go down the same path, and that their relationships are going to fail, and they say so very openly. One young woman says, "you can hope for love, but you can't expect it." Another: "Any relationship I'm in, I know I'm going to jinx; any relationship, any family I would be in would be a failure."

Wallerstein encourages us to rethink divorce:

Because what we all believe now in America-- and all of our resources have gone into this-- that it's the breakup that matters. And we tell parents-- attorneys tell them, mental health people tell them-- that if you can settle your problems between you with civility, if you can settle the financial affairs with some justice, and if the child will continue to have contact with both parents, the child is home free. That's what we say, and that's what we've been believing. And I have to confess, I've contributed to that, because my work has shown that it is an upset for the children at the time. But I didn't expect that the greatest upset -- I'm talking now about divorce as a cumulative experience-- that the greatest impact would be in their 20s and in their 30s; that's scary.

Now, I get that “staying together for the sake of the kids” when you’ve got your hands at each other’s throats wears thin, is stressful on everyone, and can even be dangerous. But do you see how, very unintentionally, you set your kids up to have problems in their adult intimate relationships should your marriage fail? Kids don't do as well when their parents aren't creating a stable base for them together--that's the research. We don’t like to face the fact that the facts are very clear that divorce is hard on children’s ability to commit in adult relationships, but dem’s da facts. And as they have difficulty in their relationships their ability to provide that stable base for their children is decreased. And the cycle continues in a downward fashion.

The cycle needs to be broken.

This is where premarriage counselling comes in. In a study done by Scott Stanley and his colleagues in Denver in 2006, 3300 couples were surveyed. Premarital education programs reduced the liklihood of divorce by 30%. That’s significant.  Not perfect, but that’s a big deal.

See where I’m goin’ here? Premarital counselling can be one place to intervene in the cycle. If you’re engaged, counselling before you get married can help point out the dangerous trouble spots in your relationship, and help you develop some strategies for effectively dealing with those. You can develop a point of contact for a resource in the community—your therapist—who you can call when you hit a rough patch that doesn’t resolve. (And in marriage, as in sewing, “A stitch in time saves nine”). You commit to a way of creating and maintaining a stable loving relationship with your partner.

That stable loving relationship will be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children. So a couple is married, in it for the long haul, committed to each other in life’s ups and downs—and stays together because they want to be together…and the children benefit from this stable base.

And it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

As your children grow up with a secure parental base, they will be primed to be able to commit to a loving partner and create a secure parental base for their children. And so you will be helping your grandchildren and their children when you seek out and implement ways to create a solid loving partnership with your fiancé.

 I’m not saying this to be self-serving. Yes, we have a premarital program, and I’d love it if you would give us a call and sign up. I think we have a great program that produces some great outcomes. But I’d be thrilled if you go to your parish priest or your rabbi for instruction, sign out a series of videos from the library, read books…please…invest in your relationship—in the marriage, not just the day—the wedding. As part of creating a culture that gives its kids the best possible opportunities, we have an ethical obligation to do what we can in our society to create as many happy, quality marriages as we can.

• Doctors, recommend premarital counselling to your patients.
• Wedding planners, suggest premarital counselling to your clients.
• Parents, give premarital counselling to your kids as a wedding present.

You get my drift.  We all need to do our part to get couples to create wonderful marriages, not only for their benefit, but for the benefit of the next generation. What better place to start helping the next generation of children by creating solid foundation well before they are conceived? If we as a society can do what we can to make marriages the best they can be, our children will reap the benefits in powerful emotional ways. And who doesn’t want that?

Here is a very quick video from the highly respected Dr. John Gottman, a researcher who's done a fantastic job of measuring relationship success.  One of the most significant results of his research is his ability, with 95% accuracy to be able to suggest the likelihood of a couple's long term relationship success.  He's for real...the therapy and scientific community respect his research as solid.  This is what he says:
Now, for your part.  Think back to your last encounter with your partner.  Evaluate your input into the conversation...do a mental tally (and be honest!) of positive "bids" versus negative "bids".  How'd you do?

Respect, gentleness, understanding, empathy are important ingredients to creating relationship success.  I'm not talking doormat stuff here...be strong, hold a position, advocate for yourself.  But listen.  Listen carefully--let the other know you are listening.  Let there be no doubt in the other's mind that they are heard.  Respond respectfully.  Engage with the other knowing that their feelings matter to you.  Create a foundation for relationship success.