September 2010

Sometimes you have to figure out a way to get along.

Wynonna and Naomi Judd were on Oprah last week.  They are taking another tour together...something they haven't done in years.  They stopped touring a long time ago...partly because of health issues, and partly because they couldn't stand each other. They referred frequently to their therapist/life coach and what he had taught them—they’re ready to go back on the road again because of the work they’ve done. 

 

I gather he taught them to listen to each other respectfully…and the way they could do that was hear what the other person was saying without feeling the need to defend or react. Wynonna and Naomi are able to hear the other’s perspective as real and valid and authentic, all the while relaxing in the knowledge that their own perspective is real and valid and authentic. Seeing something in two different ways becomes OK. Knowing how the other person is perceiving something helps you be compassionate, empathic and understanding of their actions—it doesn’t have to mean you lose the right to your own perspective.

 

Sounds obvious, right?

 

Not so much sometimes, in the heat of the moment.

 

Listening and understanding does not mean agreeing. Letting the other person know you “get it” does not mean that you have given in to their perception of things. For many, that it a revolutionary thought.

 

Communication strategies the Judd’s mentioned that have helped them get to this point include things like “Last drop listening”: After a person has finished talking ask, “Is there more?”  Isn't that a beautiful, simple line, that can help a conversation.

3 more strategies in the listening paradigm:

1.  “Is now a good time?” Ask for permission to talk. Work at a time that is mutually convenient so the other is invited into the conversation, not forced.  This starts the conversation out with both being on even footing, one isn't backed into the corner.
   
2. Repeat back…mirroring…so that you know you heard what the other person said, and they know that you have understood. The other person leaves feeling like they have been heard (which is different than “get their way”—both people need to understand this important difference)
3. “I would like a do-over” Ask for permission to restate something when it comes out in a way that doesn’t represent you well. We all have times when we watch ourselves saying something and we are horrified at what is coming out of our mouths, but we watch ourselves saying it anyway, feeling badly about it even as it happens. Trouble is, too often, when the other person doesn’t like what we’ve just said, and let’s us know it, we suddenly start to defend it—defend ourselves—when really, we didn’t like it either. A “do-over” gives opportunity to be more respectful, a little gentler, a little kinder even while saying something important.

Give it a shot.  Allow someone to talk to you about something with no agenda other than to really understand where they are coming from.  Ask for the same in return.  AFTER THAT (and only after that), then figure out where you go from there.

The dreaded orange dot of doom.


Many of us in the city live in neighborhoods that have elm trees on either side of the boulevard...the trees have been there for 80 years or more.  The elm trees meet in the middle of the street providing this beautiful archway.  The leaves, this time of year are a beautiful golden yellow with orange highlights, and with the sun shining through them, and the wind rustling the leaves that have not yet fallen, the dappled sunlight dances on my table even as I type this.  I love these elm trees...part of the largest urban elm forest in the world.

Alas...the elm tree across the street from my house one day had the "dreaded orange dot of doom".  I hate that orange dot.  I resent it, it makes me mad, and sad, and frustrated.  The dreaded orange dot of doom (yes, when I looked at it, that was the entire phrase that would run through my head each time) meant that the tree was marked for removal.  What nature took 80 years to build would be felled by a half dozen city workers in about 90 minutes (including chopping and carting away).

When I looked at the tree, it still had some life in it.  Lots of leaves on it, as far as I was concerned.  It didn't seem so far gone at all.  I didn't think it deserved the dreaded orange dot of doom.  But the city didn't ask me.  That orange dot was on that tree for the better part of a month.  I half fooled myself that maybe the orange dot on this tree didn't mean what  I thought it did.  That there was more than one reason why city workers would put an orange splotch of spray paint on a tree...that not all trees would be sawed down...that there was some other reason for the dot, and the tree would be spared.

No such luck.

The tree disappeared this week. The workers stripped down all it's branches one day, leaving a most undignified naked trunk overnight (I felt a little embarrassed for the elm...it seemed to me that if trees have feelings, it would feel rather like a patient walking down the hallway in one of those hospital gowns with only one tie in the back leaving far too much exposed) and then the remainder gone the next day.  Only the stump remains.


One of my favorite things about living in the neighborhood is these beautiful elms.  We've lost 2 this summer very near my home.  The city gave the rest of them intravenous drugs to try to save the rest (pretty cute seeing those IV's in the tree bases...felt like walking down a hospital ward when I went for a walk that evening), and the neighborhood "tree band-its" banded the trees.  It's hard to see them go.

I have a hard time seeing the stump...knowing that even when, next spring, another tree is planted in its place, I won't get to see it in maturity for decades, or maybe even at all. I'll miss that old tree.

Somehow, seeing that stump has me thinking melancholy thoughts...nothing specific, just an awareness of how life passes and changes.  Some changes are welcome, some are not.  Some changes happen slowly--trees growing, children slowly becoming adults, relationships maturing, while other changes happen quickly, sometimes undignified, like a bandaid being ripped off painfully--a spouse leaving, retirement, or a tree being chopped down.

I remember talking to someone who was part of a community building a church building.  The ones who would be contributing the most significant portion of the expense were those who had mortgages paid off, children's educations paid for, and had money they could give to the project.  The debate was, "Do we build a gym as part of the church?  Do we make it bigger than we need right now, because more people are coming all the time and we need space to accomodate the new Canadians who have not yet arrived?"  One elderly man stood up and quoted Nelson Henderson:

The true meaning of life is to plant trees,

under whose shade you do not expect to sit. 

Sometimes something seems too good to be true...except that it is!

Linda Churchill started her internship with us today.  She in an advanced intern...we weren't quite sure what to call her.  Our position has always been that we only hire therapists that have Master's level of counselling/therapy training to be counsellors at Bergen and Associates Counselling.  Linda expressed some interest in working with us...she has completed all the academics required to complete her Master's of Marriage and Family Therapy at the Aurora Institute, the counselling school connected with the University of Winnipeg.  It is a great program that I have deep respect for--and it consistently produces quality graduates.  However, she has one more clinical placement to go--and that doesn't happen until February 2011.  But she's SO CLOSE to being done that she asked me to consider finding a way for her to see clients in some capacity.

Here is where it gets interesting...Linda may not have her Master's degree in counselling, but she does have a Master's degree in Divinity.  She's been working with people in crisis, doing marryin' and buryin' and all of the emotional support that goes along with it, longer than I've been doing counselling.  She has decades worth of experience working with people in the trenches of life, as they struggle with crises, family situations and conflict, depression and so on.  She works with people regularly in one of our city's fine care facilities, helping people cope with loss, disappointment, and personal struggles.  Her life experience and the wisdom that is clearly apparent when one speaks to her, gives her one of those honorary graduate degrees of a "Master's of Life Experience of Supporting People Who Need It".  She's so intuitive--she gets what I'm trying to say sometimes before I get it.  She's calm and patient and very attentive--able to hear what clients are asking for, even if they don't put it into words.

So, Linda Churchill is our "advanced intern" allowing us to offer services at a reduced rate of $50.00 (including GST) per 60 minute session.  As an advanced intern, she ensures that she is providing the best service possible by consulting with an experienced therapist.  However, given that in many ways she is more experienced than many experienced therapists, a client of Linda's gets the enthusiasm of someone that is newer to the field along with the wisdom and composure of someone who's "been around the block" of life a few times (and no, her hair is NOT all grey!)  It's the best of both worlds...almost too good to be true--and it is absolutely true that we are able to offer her services this year to clients.

I've learned that

people will forget what you said;

people will forget what you did, but

people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

This is me...at Christmas...being silly...holding my new rice bag on my head...a gift from my mom...to a daughter with chronically cold feet.  Ahhh.

When's the last time you had a conversation with yourself?

The above question is not to ferret out psychosis or diagnose you with something spooky.  It's a candid question that I think is helpful for each of us to ask ourselves.

What I'm talking about is:

• When you find yourself feeling scared, to slow down, breathe deep, and dare to turn to face the scared part and ask it: "Let me hear what it is that you are anxious about.  Help me understand the all the factors that are underneath your fear.  Let me know where those fears come from. What would it take to be less fearful?"  And after you listen (maybe even writing them down), you calmly decide what responses you need to make to speak to the scared part, or to act to take care of the legitimate concerns the fear raises.
• Do you find yourself annoyed constantly?  What would it be like to have a conversation with the angry part and listen after you give it permission to talk?  Like: "What's happening?  I noticed that you are ticked off a lot lately, and something is just not right.  I'm listening to hear what the 'burr under your saddle' is.  And I'm really wondering what would have to happen so that you could relax and let go of some of the anger."

OK...so some of you might be thinkin' I'm a little off my rocker.  I'm not.  As someone who is uber concerned about the connections in people's lives, I'm not only working with people in helping them improve their relationships with others.  I also consider an important part of my work to help people connect better with themselves, to understand what is going on inside of them, and to know what the different parts of them are feeling.

I'm not about tie dyed shirts and hippie music here.  I'm talking about people having the courage (yes, this can take some genuine chutzpah) to be willing to be candid with oneself and hear what is going on.  In my experience, when you don't connect with those parts of you, they can essentially "hijack" you and take over in a way that isn't really you...even though it is coming out of your mouth.  I work with people all the time who say, "I yelled at my boss in a way that isn't me."  or "I just shrunk back and let her talk to me like that, even though I know she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it."

It's not easy to have conversations with yourself, because too often technology is everpresent.  Even when doing housework or mowing the lawn or going for a walk--things that could only be done even 25 years ago by doing the task essentially silently--now have the radio on, or an iPod, or instant messaging.  We can go a long time without being silent--without being alone with our own thoughts.  And when there isn't regular communication, the relationship erodes--that's how relationships work, huh?

I work with people all the time on this stuff, but I can forget too.  A couple of times this summer when I was off for a long walk by the river, I realized very shortly before that my iPod had been "borrowed without permission" and I was in silence for those 90 minutes.  I could say "hi" to the odd passerby, hear the birds, hear the water occasionally flowing over a shoreline rock, but was essentially in silence.  Almost each time of this period of involuntary silence, I realized that I had done some great thinking.  The time was somewhat meditative, even though that wasn't my particular aim.  I found my thoughts going from this to that, and ended up realizing some things that were very helpful.

I was thinking about this when I came across a great and easy little article on silent retreats.  Give it a look, and in a way that works specifically for you, take some time and listen to your inside.

Had a great therapists meeting on Saturday.  The therapists at Bergen and Associates Counselling get together every so often for lunch on a Saturday.  After going over the mundane usual matters (clean up your dishes, this is where the new form is kept, blah, blah, blah), we spent some time talking with each other about the Feedback Enhanced Therapy (FET) that we use.  While some of us have been using it for a while, everybody has been using this system for about 3 months now, and it was a chance to explore therapists’ experiences of what it is like.

The literature has found that not only does FET increase the effectiveness of therapy, it also substantially decreases the possibility of counselling having a negative outcome. Unfortunately, while our field has been really good at researching improving the positive outcomes for clients, our profession hasn’t always looked at the other end of the continuum to see if we are harming people and making them worse. Feedback Enhanced Therapy catches possible harm very quickly, and allows us to make appropriate changes or to find the right resources for the person before significant damage occur.  To me, that's a huge relief as a therapist...it's not a comfortable feeling knowing that statistically therapy harms a small percentage of people, and having no way to catch that and prevent it. Research has shown that it increases the likelihood of divorce prevention when working with couples, can double the effect size of therapy for individuals…all with a brief inventory that takes less than a minute at the beginning and end of session. More and more research is emerging all the time that says FET is substantially significant.

Of course, it’s not just taking the inventory—anymore than merely owning a vaccum cleaner would ensure you have clean carpets. The significant thing is to use the information gleaned from the Feedback Enhanced Process and use it to adjust what is happening in the counselling to make it more beneficial.

So…what I was really interested in hearing was what it was like for the therapists to incorporate Feedback Enhanced Therapy into their work.  Are we using the process to impact on therapy--are we allowing it to make a difference in our work with clients? It was a fun conversation. (No one makes specific reference to clients to breech any confidentiality), but each therapist talked how they have made FET their own.  What came up:

• For some clients and therapists who “click” immediately and almost effortlessly, and the FET reinforces that this, has in fact happened. 
• When we work with couples or families, and we as therapists need to work to make the experience effective for more than each person--a tricky challenge when sessions are an hour, and there is so much to talk about.  FET allows us to check in with each person each session in a way that enhances therapy rather than derails it. Each person’s experience of therapy and the effect it is having on that person is valued. Of course, all therapy seeks to value the experience of therapy for each person, and the effect it has…but FET allows us to give more than “lip service” to the idea. 
  
• FET allows us to check in with each person at the end of a session, and figure out what it takes to “get it right”, so that the next session is launched in the right direction from the “get go”.
• When things aren’t going well, it gives opportunity and space for a client to say that something isn’t working, and the therapist and client can figure out the proper change of course. 
• Sometimes it allows for a profound review of what happened in the session as the feedback allows for a time of reflection which further solidifies important “change moments” of the therapy. 

Feedback Enhanced Therapy has allowed very clear "course direction changes" for me that have allowed me to feel like I can be more effective with the people I work with.

• I know that FET has at various times prompted me to be more direct with clients who desire it.
• We changed appointment length from 60 to 90 minutes upon mutual agreement to allow for a client’s style.  Some people just need more time than 60 minutes to "warm up, work, and wrap up". 
  
• It’s taught me that with some clients the action of hearing themselves process aloud in the presence of another is what is most beneficial and so there are times when attentive listening and “being a mirror” is the way I can be most helpful.
  
• When we have had a difficult session that has really poked at a person's soul (e.g. looked candidly at the effects of drinking alcohol on their lives), it has given us a way to talk about how even really hard and painful sessions can have value.  It also lets us figure out what to do with the conversation and the "sting" that remains at the end of session.
  

I get to find these things out via FET. I am a better therapist with each client because the individual client and I teach each other how to enhance the therapy via this feedback.

No one would go to the store and buy the exact same pair of shoes as everyone else if they had no shoes—why would we think every client would benefit from the exact same approach with the therapist. FET allows the therapist to “adjust the size, model and material of the therapy” to get each person the result that will "fit" their sole soul.  (Sorry that pun was really corny)

I’m thrilled with how much this has enhanced our ability to work effectively with clients…I believe (and the research literature backs this up) that this will allow clients to get more improvement than they might otherwise have, and it will happen faster. 

Therapy—it’s all about helping people remove the barriers that interfere with them living the lives they were created to live…anything that we can do to do this better is great. 

Today is "National Encouragement Day"...at least in the United States...but I'm thinkin' it might not be such a bad idea for Canada, too.  Hey, if you and I know about it, and we each encourage two people today, well, maybe that will impact them, and give them strength to go on to encourage two others, and so on.  And before you know it, we'll be a nation that is more optimistic, stronger, and helping each other.  (And if it catches on enough, maybe we can get the government to love it, move it to a Monday, and we can get a day off, too.  Just kidding...but it's a pleasant thought! :)

I remember someone saying to me once, "Encouragement is fuel for the soul."

Encouragement can take many forms. A powerful example:

I saw this video for the first time yesterday, but that story is one that I have loved for a long time. I have frequently shared it at speaking engagements when I’ve been asked to inspire people because of the power that story has had in my own life.

My understanding is that the pianist was Ignace Jan Paderewski, a pianist who was widely respected as a composer, a diplomat, and a Prime Minister of Poland. He was known for saying:

"If I miss one day of practice, I notice it. If I miss two days, the critics notice it. If I miss three days, the audience notices it."

and

"I established a certain standard of behaviour, that, during my playing, there must be no talking. When they began to talk, I would stop. I would say, 'I am sorry to interrupt your conversation. I deeply regret that I am obliged to disturb you, so I am going to stop for a while to allow you to continue talking.' You can imagine the effect it had..."

It's clear this guy was not some cheerful, softy bloke who went around boosting people for no reason. On the night depicted in the video, he was in New York, playing for a packed concert hall tha had been sold out for 6 months. My understanding was that the song the boy played was actually, “Chopsticks”… but as is depicted in the video, what what Paderewski said to him was, “Don’t stop. Keep on playing. You’re doing great.” 

Can you imagine how powerful that is to have someone whisper those words in your ear? 

Paderewski had a choice…he could have been critical, brushed the boy off, or ignored him completely as someone else took care of the situation…but he didn’t. He turned a moment that could have gone badly into one that boy and his parents will remember forever. Actually, that all of those in the hall will remember—because encouragement is beautiful.

I think of this story as beautiful too. I have people whispering in my ear, “Don’t stop, keep on playing” and sometimes when I’m discouraged, overwhelmed or simply tired, I listen deep inside for the voices that have given me messages like this over the years, and they fuel me to go on.

We all need voices that say, “Don’t stop, keep on playing”. 

Give that message to someone today. An encouraging word, a hand up, a vote of support, a card in the mail, an email, buy his lemonade, help him with his homework so that by the end he feels he gets it and did it himself, rake a yard together…whatever.

“Don’t stop, keep on playing”

I saw this video about procrastination the other day and chuckled.  It was cute.
LIke I said, I thought it was cute.  Except this silly video came to haunt me this week...though I'm grateful.  I've found myself less able to pull off the sort of self-fraud that I often do.  This week was full with my first university class, and a half day workshop that I had to prepare for.  Lots of people inquiring about counselling and asking questions this week as the kids are back to school and people are taking time to look at their life and realizing they'd rather not continue the way they have.  So...time has been of the essence...and I've been less able to use some of my usual reasons excuses to postpone some of the more distasteful tasks, by going to heat water for tea, or needing to wipe a counter or go check something.

Keep this video in your head for a couple of days as you go about your activities and notice what happens inside of you.

OK, so I invented this term...at least, when I googled it, it didn't come up with any relevant terms.  And if it's not in Google, it doesn't exist, right?  But I'm hoping that it is a term that's gonna catch on.  Take a read, and pass it on.  Put it as a screen saver for someone you care about, or print it off and tape it to the laptop of your favorite techno-relative whom you miss and want to reconnect.

Let me explain...

“Sleep hygiene” is a term professionals use to looks at habits people have to fall asleep. When people have trouble sleeping, a professional will ask questions of a person surrounding their patterns around sleep. I’ve had clients tell me, “My doctor says I have terrible sleep hygiene”…they work on work reports in bed, take naps, sleep in on the weekend, drink in the evenings, consume caffeine in destructive ways, etc. All these things are recognized to impact negatively on sleep. If you google “sleep hygiene”, you’ll find 9 tips here, and 17 tips there (as well as about 351,000 other results…but don’t read them all evening…that would be…ahem…poor sleep hygiene).  :)  

Ok…so you understand some of my context now…sleep hygiene is a way to organize your life so that you can sleep better, and then function better in your life during the day because you’re well rested. Good sleep hygiene has ripple effects into the rest of life…less short tempered, more alert, more energy and so on.

So, I figure our culture needs to start talking about good “technology hygiene” habits…and I’m not talking about sanitizing your “iPad” screen with antibacterial solution. I’m thinking about establishing good habits so that technology deliberately adds value to your life, and you deliberately ensure that it doesn’t create disasterous patterns. 

Now…some of you will want to stop reading here…You’re thinking “Pshaw, I don’t know what she’s talking about” (Does anyone actually say “Pshaw"? But I do know that some of you are writing me off at this point!) Be honest, be truly honest here, with yourself, and as much as technology might enrich your life, have you stopped to think about possible impacts you might not have considered?

So…I’m proposing some “technology hygiene” habits…I’m hoping this is a preliminary list, and over time, others will grab them, add to them, improve them,  make them work better. Think about it:

1. Experiment with a "technology fast" for one week a year (could be summer vacation)—no iPods, computers, anything with a screen…notice what happens to relationships with your family, notice how you think differently, notice what happens when you’re not being vibrated or buzzed, or needing to check the stock market, inbox or weather several times a day. Do you ever notice how so many work so hard all year to get a few weeks away to enjoy the “simple things” in life…Yahtzee with the kids, a glass of wine at sunset, a walk on the beach, listening to the sound of rain on the roof, breathing in the air on the front porch? Why do we have to wait a whole year to enjoy low tech?  The lessons learned from a total fast, or even a modified fast can be significant

2. No screens for a defined period for bed. This overlaps with sleep hygiene here, but allow your brain to stop being stimulated by screen light and the information held on those screens. I overheard one expert being interviewed recently that said "no screens" for 3 hours before bed...that's a tall order for many. Thinks it’s dumb?  Try it for an hour before bedtime for a week…see if you can do it…notice how you start sounding like an alcoholic...“Sure, I could stop at any time, I just don’t want to right now.”

3. Take an honest inventory of your use of screen time. How much time do you waste? Ask yourself honestly…how many times more than necessary do I check _____ (your email, the news headlines, a blog you follow, whatever). How many video games do I play? How many times have I said, “Just one more” and then it rolls into 5 or 10 or more games. How many times have I postponed legitimate work, telling myself that before I buckle down, I really need to just check _______ or play_______? Like I said, be honest with yourself here. This one leads to …

4. OK, so once you’ve taken an honest inventory, then decide what needs to go, and develop good technology habits. Be creative.  Find strategies that work, that provide structure and routine that help build in good habits. Me—I’ve given up video games completely…I’m so darn competitive with myself that I have to try one more game of bubble-pop, or boggle, or tetris, to see if I can beat my best score. Then before I know it, I’ve wasted too much time. I'm not proud of the need to do so, but I've not played a video game for about 3 months now...and I'm more productive...and I have more time. I choose to not take my computer upstairs...I keep it on the main floor of my home...that changed how I use it in good ways when I established that guideline for myself.I bet there are some “apps” that will help shut down the computer, or remind you when it’s time to stop, or an automatically timed turn-off for a game available if you need them.

5. Don’t communicate via technology when face to face interaction is a possibility. Why text someone in another country when you’re with a friend in the same room? In our house, if someone is texting when someone else is around (like say 2 people in a car, and one is texting), the rule is that it becomes a 3 way conversation…the texts are read out loud, and we talk/joke/discuss the response. It doesn’t work perfectly, but we’re working to not exclude “live conversation” with “virtual conversation”. Be present with the people who are with you.

6. Choose in person “live” conversations over someone through technology when possible.  Don’t break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend via SMS. Don’t tell your partner that you are furious with them via text because you it’s hard to say in person. Have the tough conversations in person…what girl doesn’t like to look into a guy’s eyes the first time he says he loves her?

7. Make conscious use of headphones/ear buds/cans. The brain was meant to have periods of silence. All the major religious traditions have credible and millennia long traditions of practicing silence as a discipline. A chance to hear one’s own thoughts is lost when there is constant external input of music, podcasts, news, and the like. Ensure you have a daily time of “no technology stimulation” to ensure a time of quiet…for your imagination to meander, your thoughts to wander, a chance to ponder that which is significant, and your spirit to whisper truths to you that won’t be drowned out.

8. Balance the expense of technology with other expenses. Yes, the cost of all of this new stuff (check out the new iPod touch coming out) is coming down. But there are more apps, downloadable songs/movies/podcasts, electronic gizmos, contraptions, 2.0 (or later) versions and so on coming out all the time. Ensure that your budget doesn’t get spent on this at the expense of a dinner out with friends, a trip to the ski hill with your partner, or a board game for your kid. Remember board games? You loved them as a kid…when was the last time you played one?

9. Ensure the important takes precedence over the urgent. When your Blackberry vibrates in the middle of an intense conversation with your partner, do you look at it? Has she looked at her beeping iPhone when you were trying to tell her something that mattered to you? Remember how that hurt to be interrupted and minimized by a gizmo. Ouch!  I have never used a real estate agent who guarantees a 10 minute call back or who proclaims he never sleeps…I don’t want to do business with someone who devalues their family like that.

10. Add your own here. If you unplug your headphones, and sit quietly for a few minutes, ask yourself if there are ways in which technology interferes in your life as a time waster, in relationship interference, in self reflection time, in poor sleep or in any other way.
Let me know what you find.

Technology has developed at an exponential rate—it has already changed our world, and has the potential to work for us in so many incredible, wonderful ways. Ensure that it doesn’t work against you.

 

I'm at the end of an era.

Eleven years ago, I asked friends of mine to pray for me as I looked to find a suitable location amidst odd circumstances for my counselling office.  I only wanted a part time practice at the time for one person.  A good friend of mine answered my prayer before it was prayed...sometimes the power of prayer takes interesting turns that surprises.  He had an empty office at his business.  It was perfect.

Wow!  What a set up!

I have loved working there, and G and his business partners have been great to work with over the years. My practice grew from part time to full time, then with added therapists and administrative staff. Our business arrangement developed with the changes. And our friendship evolved too. Eleven years of the usual, “So how was your weekend?” on Monday morning and sometimes, “Doing anything special tonight?” closer to the end of the day. Eleven years of life as we pass by the office of the other, and hear of the little sillinesses of what happened in our families that was funny the day before, celebrating the love we each have with our own families, or sustained periods of heaviness when there was health challenges or family tragedy in one or the other of our lives. There were years when the office gathered together for a common lunch once a week, or all went out for dinner at Christmas. The quality of the butter sauce for the Christmas cake at the Faculty Club at the University of Manitoba for our Christmas lunch was a source of animated discussion annually. There was always work to be done, but with the sort of friendship I have with G. and his wife, we often took a few minutes to “be there” for each other. Though we didn’t work for the same company, we were co-workers, and we were also friends.

And now he has retired.

He’s not gone completely, as he has a post modern version of retired…he’ll still be around one day a week for months yet, but the day to day checking to see if there is something he has in his lunch that’s yummy, or seeing if someone has bought the coffee, or hearing (whether I want to or not) what the latest Apple/Mac innovation is,  is over.

Judith Viorst in her book, Necessary Losses, writes about how each experience of moving forward in life has an inevitable “good bye” to it, and so even exciting new ventures in life can have an undercurrent of melancholy as other ways of living end, and goodbyes to ways of life, or friendships, or ways of thinking are left behind. Those goodbyes can be painful even as they open up space to allow for new opportunities and ways of being.  The goodbyes can be an important part of growing, to say goodbye to things whose time is done, to make way for what could be.

Our culture does funerals well…casseroles, cards, services, burials, hugs, obituaries, eulogies and all sort of ritual that acknowledges the loss, and helps the living acknowledge who is no longer living. And while deeply sad, sometimes heartbreaking, these rituals are…which can then make them excrutiatingly difficult, they are healing in some way. They are ways in which support is given and received, the pain of loss is validated. These rituals put a sort of punctuation onto the loss, which is a way to turn a corner on the process, a reference point to look back on, and a way that makes public the significance of the loss. Ritual makes the loss important in a public way.

So, the night before G’s last regular day of work, as I was contemplating the not-insignificant loss of having a buddy become a much less significant part of my life, I reflected back on the years . One of the things I remembered was the fondness we each have for junk food, but the underlying desire we eave have to live relatively healthy lives. Let’s face it, McDonald’s may not be good for you, but it is pretty yummy. And sometimes, not very often, it would happen that we both had a bit of a gap over lunch to actually have time to eat (I rarely take a lunch break), and neither of us would have packed anything (I have a stash of fiber bars that I can use for most days when I haven’t brought anything, but, well, I can be convinced), and one of us would say, “Hey, would you want half a burger?” Even if something only happens 3 or 4 times a year, but it happens over 11 years, there’s a silent understanding of the routine. Burger cut in half (Quarter Pounder or Big Mac, or we’d get adventurous and try “the new burger” at the time. He would get the pickles.), 2 plates that each get half the fries, and half of the Diet Coke would go from the paper cup into a glass one (he’d get the glass, because I like drinking from a straw). Half a Big Mac is practicing moderation, and so it was a delightful treat, and I got a MickyD’s “fix” without all the guilt. Usually he would go pick it up, and I would forget to give him my half of the cost for a couple of days, but then I’d remember. It was familiar, and it was comfortable...a ritual occasionally shared by two colleagues that was comfortable.

So, on Friday morning, when G arrived at work, I asked him if I could go get us lunch one last time. He laughed and agreed (he may have brought a lunch and just didn’t say anything). I went and got it, and, for the last time, cut the burger in half, distributed the fries, and we ate together. It was the usual fun—a little break in a busy day, but also a little sad, a sort of funeral for how this won’t happen anymore. I suspect that there will be a more proper retirement function for him and I hope to be a part of that. Half of a “Deluxe Quarter Pounder” is hardly a respectable retirement send off. I get that. But it was kinda nice, kinda bittersweet to share one last burger with G, like we had done over the years, one last half-burger to remember, because it will never happen again.

I’ll remember that half-burger because of all the "half burgers", “good morning’s”, “good night’s”, “have a good weekend’s”, “how are your kids”, chuckles, giggles, “come look at this crazy thing on youtube”, “Is there any cream?”, "what's your opinion on..." it represents.

Thanx, G, for your presence across the hall all these years. It won’t be the same without you. Enjoy the time this frees up for your family, your interests, and new adventures. But, when you go to McDonald’s and eat a whole Big Mac all by yourself, feel a little guilty, k?

Didja ever meet a couple who never fought and then their relationship ended and everyone is surprised because they never argued?

I've met some of those couples before they actually separate, but after they recognize that things aren't working and they better do something to avoid divorce court. They get a little bug-eyed when they sit with a marriage counsellor (me!) who provokes them into discussing their disagreements.  They fear voices being raised, they dread the thought of not appearing to be "on the same page", they fear what might happen if they actually aknowledge that they don't see eye to eye on something.

(With a bit of a fantasy that if it's not aknowledge it doesn't exist.  If they don't argue about something, then they are on the same page.  If we don't disagree about it with each other, then it it isn't a problem.  Yeah, right.)

As uncomfortable as arguing is, there is merit to aknowledging the differences that exist, and processing those differences.  It is best done in a respectful manner (abiding by mutually established "rules of engagement", as my colleague Rod Minaker would say), but facing what is helps it not sneak up on you in an ambush.

It is not disagreements or the discussion of them that make for marital strife.  When destructive methods are used to express the distress, marital fracture occurs.  It is important to find ways to stay connected when disagreeing, but pretending that disagreements don't occur does not for a healthy marriage make.

I was reading the blog recently recommended by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  The blog gave "Five Reasons to Stop Avoiding Tough Issues".  In short form:

1. The tension of avoiding the issue will undermine your happiness
2. The relationship will be better if you address the issue
3. Your value [as a spouse] will increase if you address the issue
4. You cannot get what you want in the relationship unless you learn to negotiate with your partner.
5. As a couple whom have been married for many years and are close what has been the major factors in building closeness and they won't tell you about their enjoyable vacations...instead, they will tell you about the rough times they survived by pulling together.

Thanx, Lee for the input!

For more on finding relationship building ways to disagree, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman.  It's a helpful read, filled with hard research and evidence, and practical strategies and exercises to have a couple learn how to disagree in ways which strengthen the relationship.

I posted a quote yesterday, and the process of typing it in got me to thinking...

Melanie and I interviewed a wonderful woman this week for a part time administrative position at our office.  We asked her to describe an experience at her current position where she needed to respond to a person who was upset.  Without missing a beat, she began to describe that this is common in her current position of being a coordinator position at a manufacturing plant. She coordinates the dispatching of product as it is being freshly manufactured, fork lift operators who are bringing in supplies and carting out product, and truck drivers who will haul it all over the country. Oh, and there are bosses at the upper level who will let her know what the priorities are, and various other people who also tell her what to consider in doing her job. She spoke of how irate the truck drivers can be, saying something like: “I hear how upset they are, and I respond to them, but I don’t react to them. I try to understand their position. They’re hot and tired, and they have families they are eager to go home to. It’s upsetting when you have to wait for hours because production is behind. However, I don’t react, I just do the best I can with what I’ve got. However, sometimes there are productions issues and there just isn’t any product ready for them to haul away.”

She found a balance between having empathy for a painful situation for another and understanding their position and their reactions, without becoming reactive to it. 

Yesterday’s quote that I posted connected me to this conversation. It reminded me of the difficult balance of being present in this world, hearing what others are saying, noticing how others are reacting, and having all of that matter, without it hijacking the feelings you have, the thoughts you are thinking, and that other’s problems and issues become yours without you deciding how you really feel and want to respond to something. 

• It’s a challenge to listen to the deepest part of ourselves and live out lives in this world out of that inner guidance, rather than being pulled this way and that by people who want a certain reaction from us. 
• It’s a challenge for a person to be yelled at to not become automatically defensive or retort angrily back.
• It’s not easy to not automatically shrivel with anxiety under the glare of a judgemental loved one.
  

When people come at us with strong emotion, it pokes at parts of us that feel accused or inadequate or hurt. And there can be almost a “knee jerk” reaction to being poked like that. Faster than a blink of an eye, there is an inner reaction to protect the poked part:

• Nostrils flare, eyebrows furrow, and the blast of anger shoots out…nobody treats me that way!
• All hands on deck! Talk fast to help the other person feel better. Spring into action to find ways to “get out of the dog house”…to get back into the other’s “good books”.

OR

• RUN! Get out of the firing range, put the other person’s disappointed look far away from your field of vision. Run away from the relationship, run to alcohol, or the computer or…

 

You see where I’m going. Without even realizing it, you have been hijacked by a part of you that seeks to stop you from being hurt by that which feels wounding or shaming or anxiety-creating words and actions. Strings have been pulled and you’ve been yanked this way or that.

It feels pretty yucky. 

And that's putting it politely.

On the other hand, the effects of listening for "the genuine" in yourself is incredible. I use a model called “Internal Family Systems” (IFS), which Dr. Richard Schwartz and his colleagues have developed, which allows people to find “the genuine” in themselves. It facilitates people to gain cooperation from the different parts of themselves with “the genuine” being captain, so to speak, working collaboratively with all of who you are. Then external pulls become tugs to which one can then choose how to respond, rather than strings on a marionette’s hand which are automatic. “The genuine” can speak for the parts, rather than a person speaking out of those reactionary parts.

So, rather than yelling in response to an accusation in a reflexive reaction, a person can say, “There’s a part of me that is feeling quite accused, and it’s feeling angry that you would think and say that about me.” 

Can you see how that changes a conversation? Can you say how that could change a relationship? 

When a person can notice how they are reacting and speak on behalf of that reaction, rather than speak out of the reaction, they begin working on behalf of themselves in ways that collaborate respectfully with others. One can maintain credibility, can keep the other person listening, can advocate for oneself. The need to run, explode, or madly fix in a way that ultimately doesn’t work diminishes, and you stay in charge of your life.

Think about it.

There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself.  It is the only true guide you will ever have.  And if you cannot hear it, you will, all of your life, spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls."

Howard Thurman (1900-1981)