June 2011

The real cradle that holds the baby is the emotional climate between new parents.  Many significant social problems [like violence]  in our society can be traced back to this negative emotional climate in families.

John Gottman

I often tell couples who are struggling with the needs of a child who that are consulting me about to take care of their relationship...to nurture their marriage.  One of the most powerful gifts that parents can give to their kids is a solid relationship between mom and dad...but NOT as "mom and dad", but as "husband and wife"...as "Jim and Mary" or "______ and ______" (insert names here). 

I'm not talking about "staying together for the sake of the kids"...that sort of togetherness is hard on kids.  I'm not even talking about having the same mailing address and living as roommates.  I'm talking about the real investment in engaging in a relationship that is rich. 

• modelling to children what healthy "angry" looks like, what affection and warmth and closeness is like
  
• resolving conflict in ways that has children feel safe and secure
• having children know that they can face the challenges of the world because their "home base" is solid and safe
• creating an environment that children can observe all aspects of a loving relationship...to know what relationship repair looks like, to observe the possibilities of apologies and how that creates positive shifts
• a home climate where cooperation, respect, and warmth is a "no brainer"...it might looks loud and chaotic or quiet and subdued...there are lots of ways this sort of climate can be expressed.
  

When it comes to life, most of what children learn from their parents isn't "taught" (shucks...makes the last lecture you gave after he blew it yesterday feel like a whole lotta hot air).  The most significant way parents influence their children is by what is "caught" by the children as s/he watches how you relate to others over the years.


Does that make you go "GULP"?

Another quick tidbit for thought:
This is very real stuff...you alter your child's stress hormones with a conflictual marriage.  You, as a couple, affect your children's social skills and their lifelong ability to be successful in general...and certainly specifically, in their ability to engage in a successful lifelong partnership. 

This is the "big picture" of staying together...your children will "catch" what  relationships look like by watching you...and this isn't just reflected in how they relate to others...the climate of your home will shape their little souls in ways that will impact every area of their inner and outer lives.

Not trying to "guilt" you into working towards a healthy relationship with your spouse...but I am giving you something to think about.  Are you and your spouse "on top of your game"?  Does it need some preventative maintenance, or even an overhaul to be in a place where you can provide the sort of environment your children will flourish in?

Investing in your marriage, finding ways for you to ensure your spouse feels loved and cared for is one of the most important ways you can help your child.  Nurture your child by nurturing your marriage.

"The Master's [of marriage] are repairing things effectively...they have crummy arguments, and they don't follow communication rules, and they get defensive, and upset...but at some point...they can have a conversation where they can talk about it...repair...How can you make it better?...

We could not predict the effectiveness of the repair from the nature of the repair attempt...

What made the difference was the person receiving the repair attempt...how much emotional money they have with that person....if I've really been a good friend to her, If I've been putting in emotional deposits...that determines if she is going to accept my repair attempt...started us really looking at the quality of the friendship in the marriage."

John Gottman

• Tip No. 1 -- "Take a deep breath and focus on what you can control and not on what you can't. We can't control the weather, but we can control how we respond and whether we have a good weekend or not."

• Tip No. 2 -- "Distract yourself -- Take a break from what frustrates you. Enjoy a laugh with your family, go to a movie, distance yourself from what makes you mad. That helps you cool down and gives you some inner resources to deal with the weather or whatever's frustrating you."

• Tip No. 3 -- "Maintain perspective by asking: How will I view this situation in three months or five years or whatever. A person may be angry about having no shoes until they see someone who has no feet."

Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love

John Gottman

It's a myth that if you solve all of your problems you'll automatically be happy. We need to teach couples they will never solve most of their problems

John Gottman

I can see me pulling through, find out I'm someone who

Is moving on and letting go, picking up the pieces on the road to healing

Wynonna Judd

Found this song yesterday by accident...nice to stumble upon it, given that today is an annual day of mourning for me...as I remember and pray and wish and grieve and wonder about "what ifs".  Unlike last year, this year's visit to the grave was bright and sunny and warm.  Beautiful.

Remembering is a funny thing.  Some years are harder than others.  This year, though sad, had an "ok-ness" to the sadness...dunno why, exactly.  I still went to the grave, still cried, still remembered, and wondered at what might have been.  But it was easier to notice the other remembrances of love that others have laid at graveside...flowers, notes, teddy bears, even a little pair of shoes...and smile at the notion that others care and remember in their own ways.



I brought a book with me this year...a good friend gave me a copy of I Remember You:  A Grief Journal. She knew it was coming up to the time of year when there is special remembering for me.  And I had a chance to read through some of it as I sat on the ground, surrounded by kleenex and sunshine:

The presence of that absence is everywhere.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I remember the days, weeks and months when that was my life.  And it made living hard, like going through life in waist high water...it works but it is so much work to keep putting one step ahead of the other, all day long, and going anything other than "pretty slow" seemed impossible. 

And then, closer to the end of the book:

There is a rent, a tear, a rip in the fabric of my life that can't ever be completely sewn up or patched over, but which lets in both the darkness that is the underworld and a world of astonishing--the only word which can describe it is celestial--light.

Alison  Townsend
"Small Comforts"

I think I'm sorta there this year.  The rip feels rawer today than most days, as it does every June 18th.  But I'm not the same person I was...and there is an appreciation of life, of love, of relationships that I owe to the loss.  It aged me...but maybe in some ways, that's OK. It took away my innocence...but given my line of work, that's a good thing.  It's OK to be sad this year. I'm finding myself grateful this year for what was, even though it was lost.  I'm grateful this year for what is, which is at least partially due to the significance of the deaths and the mourning and honoring and learning and growing that resulted.

One of my favorite paragraphs from her blog is on an electronic post it note on my computer, written shortly after Christmas a few years ago. I like to look at it when I’m tempted to complain in the myopia of being swamped with tasks and losing sight of the good stuff that is there for the noticing:

At the moment - I am buried under 14 loads of laundry and the sinking feeling that I am never really ever going to catch up. We are all sick. Penn is cutting several teeth. The dogs are stir-crazy. The madness of the holidays is piled up higher than our dirty clothes. And I have a monster zit in the middle of my forehead. I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the awesomeness of our families. Overwhelmed by the cheer and the generousity of our loved ones. Overwhelmed by love. Overwhelmed by the sheer amount of "stuff" that accumulates from 'the spirit of the season'. Overwhelmed by my own consumerism. Overwhelmed by the things I need to do to get this place back to a functional home and not a toy distribution centre. Overwhelmed by the fact that our splendid coffee maker is broken. (BOO!) And overwhelmed by the amount of blessings I have. Overwhelmed that the two small people that fill my heart are growing too fast. Overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago, she discovered some of her artwork had been copied (over and over…like, 1.5 million times over) and it now was being used on mugs, T shirts, even a porn website. People had stolen her work and now were using it for their own financial gain...nasty. 

She took action…she expressed her dismay…and then flipped the problem on its head and began a campaign that has gotten some serious press. “Link with Love” is a movement that is now developing momentum…which has people commit to give credit to stuff they post on their website…linking back to its original source. Pictures, poetry, writing, artwork of all kinds…it is about accepting our responsibility to know better and do better about respecting other people’s stuff, and educating and advocating others to do so. Respecting other’s stuff…we have no more right to take someone’s electronic creation without permimssion than we do to take a picture off their wall in their house. It even goes one step farther to encourage internet users to be proactive in noticing when something has been reposted without proper aknowledgement…and doing something about it.

Her plan reminds me of non violent resistance approach that I admire. Sometimes, I hear people talking about the line, “Turn the other cheek” after one has been slapped. It was a line used by Jesus, and is quoted in the book of Matthew, in the New Testament. Often when people hear that, it is assumed that it means…”If a guy hits you on one side of your face, let him hit the other side too”. An uncomfortable, even painful idea—and not only figuratively. That’s not what it means…it’s a way of turning intrustiveness and flipping it to look the person who has harmed you in the eye, and say, “This is NOT OK”

The intent behind "turn the other cheek" actually is a form of resistance…of equality--saying in an upfront way, "It is NOT okay to do treat me like that". From Wikipedia:

At the time of Jesus, striking someone deemed to be of a lower class with the back of the hand was used to assert authority and dominance. If the persecuted person "turned the other cheek," the discipliner was faced with a dilemma. The left hand was used for unclean purposes, so a back-hand strike on the opposite cheek would not be performed. The other alternative would be a slap with the open hand as a challenge or to punch the person, but this was seen as a statement of equality. Thus, by turning the other cheek the persecuted was in effect demanding equality.

This approach feels similar…Kal and her colleagues are cheerfully and assertively letting cheaters and stealers and ignorant plagerizers know that it is NOT okay to use other people’s stuff without asking them, and given the proper credit. It’s cheerfully letting people know to watch the use of intellectual property. I love how her response creates a positive energy around something which had to feel pretty nasty to her. She could have complained about it and left it there. Instead, Kal looked for a solution and created a tidal wave of energy that is fun and has integrity. Kal looked at the larger picture that has created the problem, and sought to address it with bright colors and the collaboration and cooperation of the electronic community that seeks to create an environment that is safe and inspirational for all…working together, watching out for each other, and enjoying the creative work of many along the way.

I respect this. Thanx, Kal!  Why does this matter to me, a therapist?  Cuz my life's work is about helping people improve connections, to have relationships that are meaningful.  This works at cyber relationships and integrity in connections--enhancing the work of artists in a way that honors who they are.

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved

Marcus Antonius

We have been offering sessions on anger at Bergen and Associates Counselling for several years now...in both our group format of 6-7 hours, and the individual session that total 4 hours.  Our course, Transforming Destructive into Constructive, has now been well received by hundreds of people.

Our thinking about anger parallels this quote:

Do not teach  your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.

Lyman Abbott

Anger is an emotion which has been created and instilled in each of us for a purpose.  Anger needs to be felt, understood, heard, validated and used as positive energy to make a difference.  Anger runs the danger of being intrusive, assaultive, violent, frightening and therefore, often avoided--or feared.

Transforming Destructive into Constructive works to modify responses towards anger to allow it to be used effectively in relationships, to advocate effectively for oneself, and to be respectful for all.

Recently, we ran some extra sessions of Transforming Destructive into Constructive for a particular company who sent its employees for training.  It was great to have a group of co-workers work together to figure out how to relate to each other when tensions are running high, and tempers start to flare.  They were relaxed and familiar with each other, and conversation flowed easily.  Roshonna Plett is delivering the sessions...and it was great fun for me to be on the other side of the wall, hearing howls of laughter as the material was processed.  They really enjoyed working through the material with each other...and their evaluations showed that they found it super helpful to hear the content.  Industry is recognizing that behavior that was tolerated a decade ago, is now very clearly not considered acceptable...and that a workplace can be a better environment if people are thoughtful and constructive in moving forward during times of conflict.


One comment that we have heard over and over again by participants is realizing how useful the material is for all folks...not just those with exploding rage that may have criminal charges against them.  Thinking carefully about the role of anger in one's life is helpful for all people.  We find people seeing the value of TDC for friends and family...wanting them to hear the content because of the positive difference it makes in improving relationships and the personal feeling of well being.

Group courses are offered each month, and individual sessions can be booked by calling our office at any time.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find it is those who, instead of advice, solutions or cures have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

I can’t help but see the images, particularly around the 35 second mark, whenever I hear this song. Probably been 20 years since I watched this movie, but the images and this song are tied together for me forever. This song is inextricably linked with images of terror, destruction and violence amongst the beautiful and verdant pastoral vistas of VietNam. The local people trying to live their lives, the soldiers trying to get home alive, and the intrusiveness of the violence….all the while the song is playing. A beautiful peaceful song that so harshly contrasts with the images. 

I’ve been thinking about how life is so often mirrored in the complexity and confusingness of the lyrics and melody overlaid by the images. That so much of life can feel so awful and so good, at the same time.

• A job promotion comes with the affirmation of a job well deserved, and an increase in pay…and with it can come increasing responsibility that means more hours and novel tasks which can feel overwhelming
• The birth of a child floods new parents with love and sweetness…and hours of night time crying, interrupted sleeps, and fears of all the things that can go wrong.
• The intimacy of a close relationship creates a safety and comfort…a sort of cuddling closeness that calms and soothes, reassures and restores…creates space for giggles and fun, sharing and openness. And exposes a person to be betrayed, disappointed, hurt, saddened in ways which could never happen if alone.

I was at a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle to Louis Armstrong’s “It’s a Wonderful World”…it was lovely. She was radiant, and had eyes only for her life’s partner as she regally walked towards him. The song had a celebratory beauty to it…but as per usual, in my head, the images of the above video were played alongside the scene in front of me.

And I wondered,

Does she know and understand that there will be dark days ahead? Can she realize, even today, that there will likely be days when she will wonder if she did the right thing to commit her life to this guy?  Maybe cuz he's done the same little annoying thing for the 1000th time...or cuz he wasn't "there" for her at a moment she really really needed him. Can she know that she will weep in agony one day when she is deeply wounded by something he’s done…that a time of significant distancing or conflict is almost inevitable at some point in every marriage? Can she fathom that there will be pain in this relationship even as she is revelling this moment in how wonderful her world is?

Will she be able to remember this moment of hope and promise during a dark day? Will she be able to remember the love and commitment of this day during some day when she wonders if it is all worth it? Will she use the power of this moment to remind herself as energy to carry her through that moment? Will she have the reserve and the resilience that is built up in drips and drops of the beauty of ordinary moments of living together...the giggles over dinner, the feeling of satisfaction after pulling weeds together, leisurely walks around the neighborhood?  Will she be able to use the strength that slowly builds with the beauty of these wonderfully ordinary moment that she and he can dance the minefields of the relationship in a way that sustains them during the tough times?

On the way to breakfast, we stopped by my office…at her request…but I’m glad she asked. I got to show her the waiting room, the offices, and she looked at our books, and we discussed approach, and theories, and the practice of therapy. She looked around, and admired things, and made comments that told me she noticed what I was doing in our practice that made it the kind of place that is a great place to have therapy. I gave her some “Bergen and Associates Counselling” pens…one for her, and a few to take back to the school.

I realized at some point, that it felt a little like a kindergartener showing her picture to the teacher…asking her to admire it. Just at the very moment I was about to say (in appreciation for the opportunity to show her my stuff)…”Thanx for caring enough to want to see my office and see what I do, and the space that represents what I’ve come…and thanx for your very important contribution to that process” she instead says to me, “It is so nice as a teacher to see the ripple effects of the work that we as teachers do in the classroom. Sometimes as a teacher, you just don’t see the final results of all that work. It’s so wonderful for you to take time to show me your offices and let me see that all that work that I pour into students has some lasting effects”.

We proceeded onto breakfast, having a chance to catch up on each other’s lives. We showed each other pictures of our respective tribes…she’s got grandchildren now! She told me about other profs at the school…some of whom had moved on to other things, some of whom have died. I heard about their funerals…and heard about their families. We talked about books and writers and theorists who were important to us. She invited me to come to her class one afternoon to talk to her students about a few things. 

It was great to get together with her on a number of levels. I was her “T. A.” (teacher’s assistant) back when I was a student and it was just good to catch up. S’funny tho, how there was a surprising feeling at the end of the visit inside me. 

I realized that I am a “grown up therapist”…on some level, I’ve known this for some time: I have a greater confidence that continues to develop, and I can notice the success I have in facilitating clients as they work hard when they come to therapy. I am increasingly sought after by folks who ask me to work with them, or who would like to work as a colleague…I have both internal feedback from inside of me, and external feedback from colleagues and clients that say I’m a therapist who is capable.

But yesterday, my teacher/mentor and I chatted as colleagues. She asked me what I had been reading and what I thought was important to know…like she valued my opinion. T’was a weird and wonderful feeling to realize that it “fit” to dialogue with her as a colleague. It affirmed and confirmed me in my work in a way I hadn’t expected—but was delighted to note and experience.

Writing of this reminds me  of the year I started teaching years ago at the University of Manitoba…where I got my undergraduate degree. The photocopy room was a tiny little place that had a hash mark at the entrance on the floor, and a clear sign on the wall, “No students allowed”…I’d spent 3 years knowing I couldn’t go in there when I was a student…and then, years later, when I had to go in there as instructor, I crossed that threshold with trepidation, reluctantly, half feeling that I should expect to get “kicked out” out of there. Took months before I didn’t hesitate to go into the photocopy room, having to reassure myself that I really did have authority and ability to confidently enter a room that only professors could enter. Gradually, though…it became a small matter of pleasure to know that I could enter the “no students allowed” room along with the other profs…many of whom had been my teachers, and now seemed to apparently consider themselves my colleagues.

Sorta interesting how life experiences affirm and confirm growth that has happened so slowly and so gradually that it isn’t noticed (and then neither, celebrated) until some sort of milestone happens that says, “You done it”:

• An anniversary after a difficult year of marriage where commitment to love and the relationship has triumphed

• Completing a 5 km run that celebrates and highlights the increase in regular exercise in a person’s life

• A trip made alone after the shattering of a marriage…the marking of "I can so things like travel and enjoy myself on my own—I WILL be OK”

Take note of little things (or big ones) that mark achievement, sometimes invisibly or subtly so, and take the time to celebrate how you can do things now that you didn’t or couldn’t before.

I've often heard of people speaking of a "band aid solution"...and when it is said, it is usually with a note of derision. 

It's a bad thing to have a band aid solution...implies that a person is not addressing the issue at its source, and is

providing a temporary and inadequate solution.

I’m not so sure this is the only way to see it…

I remember a while ago, I was out shopping with my tribe…and we stopped to pick some things up at Zellers. I walked around the car to help, and after a junior tribe member got out, I grabbed the car door and swung it shut. 

It was like it shut in sloooooow motion. I could see junior member tribe’s finger still on the car…right where the door was going to close. I knew it was going to happen…and it was happening too fast to do anything…and for one seemingly endless moment where I was helpless to do anything, I could see that the little fellow’s finger was going to be smashed in the car door because of my actions. I could anticipate it, but I couldn't stop it.

Well…the car door closed. He screamed. I opened it, held him and rocked him. He cried. I cried. I hated knowing my actions had hurt him. Hated that.

While it very much hurt…it was clear that no bone was broken, the skin wasn’t damaged and there was no blood, and he was moving it enough that I could tell there was no serious injury. Whew. 

...but it was red…and I could believe that it hurt.

After a few minutes, we went into Zellers. Junior Tribe Member was still crying and he was still in distress. Duh…he’d had his finger pinched in a car door by someone who is supposed to be taking care of him.

He began asking for a band aid. A band aid.

Yeah, right, like a band aid is going to help a crush injury. Band aids have no inherent pain reducing qualities. Band aids don’t do anything when something has been unnaturally squished. But he wanted a band aid.

I didn’t have a band aid. JTM’s often need band aids, and so along with gum, chapstick, Kleenex, and other essential items that JTM’s often need, I should have a stash of bandaids in my purse…but I didn’t.

His crying wouldn’t stop…and he kept asking for a bandaid.

In desperation, I went to the back of the store to customer services with weeping JTM, and asked somewhat embarrassedly for a band aid. A band aid that wasn’t going to be covering up a wound. A band aid that would be applied to a reddened finger that didn’t need a bandaid.

The customer service person at Zellers, bless her heart, found a band aid in her drawer, and gave it to me. I put it on the finger.

It seemed so silly…this bandaid…it wasn’t going to fix anything.

Except. It. Did.

He stopped crying. He felt better. He enjoyed the rest of the time in the store. It really served an important purpose.

Wasn't sure if I should laugh and find it funny...or if I should be annoyed that something that didn't make any sense, worked?

I remembered this story when I came across these lines from a blog the other day:

My initial thought was to downplay the need for him to seek care for such a meaningless ‘injury.’ But I was also mindful of the hundreds of little “wounds” to his heart, mind and spirit resulting from his past, many of which are all too easy for me to overlook, dismiss or simply ignore. So in that instant I decided to resist my instinct to dismiss and instead rely on the healing power of a simple Band-Aid applied with love by the hands of a father who is learning what it means to become a Band-Aid Dad.

“Here, let me put that on for you. Should we put a little ointment on, too?” I asked.

“Ok, Dad,” he replied as I applied the first aid. “Thanks. That feels much better,” he said with a smile looking directly into my eyes.

“Glad to hear it. You remember – any time you need something, whatever it is, you let me know. That’s what I’m here for. And one more thing – I love you,” I continued.

I am learning that becoming a Band-Aid Dad is a process. It takes practice and it certainly stretches me at times. But the more Band-Aids I apply to my kids’ wounds – both seen and unseen – the more I am convinced that Band-Aids lovingly applied really can heal.

Sometimes, doing something that feels caring and loving and is attentive and doting takes away the pain…it really does. Even if it doesn’t feel like it is logical. Wounded fingers and wounded hearts aren’t often logical. Soothing feels good.

• A husband whose recently had an affair calls home 3 times in an evening he is “out with the guys”…to have her hear the game and the guys in the background…to reassure her that he is where he is. Does it fix anything? Not really…but then again, maybe it does.

• A wife who takes a deep breath, and in the middle of an argument about finances, stops to let her husband know how rich her life is because he is in it. Does it fix the financial stress? Nope. But it does change the way it is perceived and talked about.

I’m no longer skeptical about the power of band aids for children…and I’m believing in them more and more in adults. Sometimes,

• a tense situation,

• an awkward conversation,

• a painful circumstance   

  can benefit from a verbal bandaid that will sooth and comfort and nurture and reassure and remind the other that you take their woundings seriously