November 2011

From Brene Brown, an expert on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and joy:

Answering “why” is hard.

The first experience with “why” that I remember sticks powerfully. I was a child…I think I might have been three or four. My brother and I were brushing our teeth at the bathroom sink…and the toothpaste cap slipped out of my fingers and it fell down the bathroom drain.

It must have difficult to retrieve. My father was angry.

I remember distinctly him saying, “Why did you do that?” and instinctively knowing that there was no right answer. There was nothing I could say to his why that would be an acceptable answer. Why?

It felt like a trap. I was supposed to give a reason. But there wasn’t one. I hadn’t intended to. It was an accident. But it didn’t feel like there was room in the question for an answer that wouldn’t be met with anger.

“Why” was a set up.

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve asked “why” too…not expecting an answer that will build understanding and conversation…but using whatever the answer is, as an opportunity to rip into the other person, all your frustrations and anger.


Why:

• Puts the other on the defensive
  
• Sets it up to suggest there is one right answer and the person is being tested to see if they can guess it
  
• Can quite often suggest, at least in tone, that the other person is wrong, and you are just giving the other person a chance to tell you how they blew it (because then you can go into a self righteous blast)
  

I’ve worked to essentially eliminate “why” from my vocabulary. (This will be a life long project, I suspect) I still use it, I ‘m sure, but I seek to avoid it whenever possible. I’ve worked to switch to “how”.
How:

• Implies a curiousity
  
• Suggests the questioner wants to know and learn
  
• Suggests the responder has some information that can inform.
• invites a conversation where there is space for respectful dialogue.

 Notice they difference:

• Why did you come home so late from work?
  
• How is it that you are so late coming home from work?
  

• Why did you yell at me yesterday?
  
• How is it that you found it necessary to yell at me yesterday?
  

• Why are you being so evasive?
  
• How is it that it makes sense right now for you to be evasive?
  

Perhaps the biggest advantage of “how” vs. “why” is that “how” questions are a little harder, and require a wee bit more thought than the “why” questions. And the extra effort has me slow down and be able to ask the question in a way that has a better chance of an interactive discussion rather than blasting the other person with an accusation, so…

• “Why did you just do that?”
  

can become:

• “Can you explain how it was that you just chose to do that?”
  

Imagine how the second question might create space for a more productive dialogue than the first (especially when the tone might be different too). Try it for a few days…and let me know what you think…what happens when you switch from “why” to “how”.

I’ve heard it said that if you love your job, you will never work a day in your life.

That’s a wee bit simplistic, perhaps…but that line came to mind on the weekend after a staff meeting at Bergen & Associates Counselling. Several times a year, we gather as a staff…this time Saturday over lunch. We had pitas from Pita Pit and delicious fancy cupcakes from Cakeology. We these decadent treats as we were celebrating Gail’s recent graduation, Nadia’s recent engagement, and Roshonna’s upcoming European adventure.

As we gathered together, our staff got kinda goofy. When we work, we work hard, and we take our work very seriously. A lot of the work we do is really heavy, and so when we get together and are not working…we love to laugh together. After getting caught up on some administrative matters to continue to ever improve the way we deliver service to our clients, we just started sharing about what made our work meaningful, about what it was like to do good work with clients, about how it felt when we know we have had a part in contributing to healing in a client’s life.


It was wonderful to be a part of the warmth of the room…we care about each other, are incredibly supportive of each other, and joked and giggled in ways that included others who are relatively new. Both Rebecca and Melanie were there…they do a lot administratively to support our work, and to allow our work to be effective(…and every so often they need to whip us into shape). They are an important part of the therapeutic team even though they never enter a session…and it felt natural to include them in our meeting (well, until Melanie had to leave early for the Jets game, anyways.)    ;)



I was once again humbled to realize how privileged I am to be a part of an incredible team that loves to work together. We like each other. We make it a pleasant place to spend time hanging out. The senior therapists welcome the junior therapists to bounce ideas off them. The junior therapists let the senior therapists know it is appreciated. And the respect all have for each other is incredible.

Bergen & Associates Counselling is a neat place to do therapy in so many ways…and on Saturday as I left our meeting with a warm glow, after lots of help to clean up, and people still sitting chatting with each other long after it was over, I was reminded again how very blessed I am to work with the team we have.

Thanx, guys!

Nothings wrong with a tune-up…but do you bother?

I took my car in last week to Winnipeg Honda Service Department…it had been on my mind to get the car in before the snow flew. September and October were crazy months of teaching and driving tribe members hither and yon…and so by the time I got to calling the dealership, I had to wait another week to get it done. It was past due.

Got an oil change. And the “winterizing package”…don’t know what’s all involved in that…but now my car…well, she’s good to go. Yippee.

Now…I can drive her just fine. I know where the steering wheel is, turn signals, lights, fill’er up with gas, an even add windshield washer fluid and check the oil. (I can check the oil…which is different than saying I actually do). I’m a pretty good driver, and she’s a pretty good car…we get along fine. I like her, and I depend on her—heavily. (You might be asking how I know the car is a “she”…dunno…just she is…and for the record, my computer and phone are both “him’s”—go figger).

Point is, I rely on her. A lot. And she delivers. But I’m over my head with that seasononal maintenance.



I was feeling a little nervous about how long I’d let the oil change and full engine check go…cuz the longer you let it go..well, if there’s something wrong…it can get “wronger and wronger” over time, when it’s not attended to. And then things get inconvenient because I can be without a car for days, or need a tow, and it gets really pricey.

Letting the little things go unattended doesn’t seem like a big deal when I can get away without attending to them…but then one day, something snaps, and it’s big time trouble.

I can take something that is running well for granted…and assume all is well…even though I’m not taking the time and attention to do some preventative maintenance…and possibly, underneath the surface, trouble may be brewing.

By now, you’ve figured out that I’m not just talking about the car and my seasonal maintenance.

I know regular maintenance is important. I know I’m asking for trouble if I don’t do it. It’s a “no brainer” to get my car into the shop several times a year (well, it shouldn’t be a no brainer…and when I put it off like I did this time…I’m taking my chances)

We also need regular maintenance.

When’s the last time you had a chance to take some inventory about how you are doing? To hear yourself talk about what’s going on for you, how you’re looking after yourself, what’s troubling you, how you’re managing with those troubles, and what you are doing to give yourself joy?

Many people do this as a matter of course…when going out for coffee with a friend, or a cozy conversation with a spouse. Others haven’t done it for a looooong time.

And…when’s the last time you took stock of your relationships?

• Have you asked your spouse if they have been feeling loved or cared for lately?
• Have you taken time to discuss with your spouse the fact that you’ve had the same argument (unsuccessfully) several times in the last month…to discover what’s underneath that pattern?
  
• What would it be like to ask your spouse for some candid feedback about how they are experiencing you and your relationship?
  
• Have you asked your significant other what questions you should be asking so that you can hear answers that are important for the other to give you?
  

Of course, this can also be helpful with your administrative assistant, best friend, fellow coach, or mentor…the idea is to think about some regular preventative maintenance on yourself and your important relationships.

You can be informal and do this over a second cup of coffee sometime. At Bergen and Associates Counselling, we do deliberate relationship maintenance with our clients regularly as part of Feedback Enhanced Therapy…at the end of sessions, we formally ask for feedback about how they experience the session and feel about the relationship with the therapist. A good working relationship with a therapist is vital to do good work in counselling.

For couples, you can use a tool to get some more formal documentation and a place to start the discussion with the Couple Checkup. There is a charge for this tool, but things that are important are worth investing in.

You might suggest I’m self serving here…but I truly do believe that sometimes that relationship “check up” can be done (or is some cases, is best done) with a therapist. Find one you trust…get to know him or her for some “preventative maintenance”…and think about going a couple of times a year for a check in with your spouse. And, should your relationship ever blow a gasket, you would have his/her number on speed dial and an already established place to explore how to get the relationship back on track.

Maintenance and occasional repair work…even extensive repair work, is an inevitable part of all relationships.

It is not a failure to have to get some input from a therapist, anymore than it is a failure for me to have to go to a mechanic for an oil change and a multi point maintenance inspection.

Today,

in honor and memory of those who went and didn’t come back,

and for those who mourn them and remain behind,

for those who went and came back never to be the same,

for those that live with them forever changed…

we remember.

At our house, it was a somber and quiet moment this morning as we watched and listened to the bugle call. Tears rolled down my face as the cameras showed one veteran after another during the minutes of utter silence amongst the large crowd in Ottawa on television. We watched the Silver Cross Mother lay the wreath, struggling for control, remembering her son, and all the other sons who are gone. I thought of her, of the other mothers...

I know of a friend, a veteran, who is avoiding television this week…a week when there are retrospectives about those who fought, outlining the courage of soldiers and the horrors of war. Although he respects and honors those who fought for freedom, he dares not allow the fragile present be shattered by vivid images of the past which will trigger the horrible memories. He will go to extremes to avoid re-experiencing the jarring hijacking of his body of gripping terror and feelings of imminent doom. He will remember, but will tread carefully amongst the land mines of memories to remember the fallen without letting himself fall back in the pit of PTSD devastation.

It is hard for many who have seen combat to figure out how to fit back into “this world”…and historically, many have found their “safe place” at the legion, having a pint (or more) with others who were also there, and who also don’t really fit in anymore. Very few speak of their memories and their fears…many numb their memories in a separate part of their psyche…but to hang out with those who get how that sort of repression takes a toll on one’s soul is important.

I’ve known and cried with the daughters and sons of those whose bodies come back from war but their souls are in pieces, and held together by a hard shell that stops tenderness and playful connection. Their father came home…but not in a way that meant that meant they had a “daddy”.

I’ve also had friends who are new Canadians, managing to make it to a new life here after years spent in refugee/resettlement camps. Events like Halloween with the presence of skeletons and “blood and guts” are not fun, but rather terrifying triggers that remind them of the massacres they have witnessed…watching loved ones be killed. Their memories of war are literally unspeakable.

I’ve learned much this last year about honor and desire to serve one’s country, about the dedication and commitment to the high calling of serving one’s country and the global community. Those who could be businessman or tradespeople and come home to their families at 6:00 daily, and instead are willing to be ripped away from their families for months at a time, believing in a nobler, higher calling. I honor those difficult choices. I’ve come to admire those serving in the military in a way I’d never have imagined this last year…and yet I remain torn.

It all feels rather hopeless to a humble Winnipeg therapist…to witness the incredible effects of war on soldiers, victims of war, and casualties of war at home and abroad. Seems there are no true victors in the ravages of violent conflict.

I intentionally look for ways to be a peace maker…to create space and opportunities for others to have increased peace in their lives…combating poverty, interpersonal conflict, oppression and victimization is vital to the idea of “Never Again”… the slogan frequently used to express desire to end the need for war.

It is the oppressed and victims of one generation who often rise up to be the oppressors and victimizers of the next generation. To that end, I offer up my very humble efforts as my contribution for peace. These pale in comparison to the sacrifices many have paid for peace, but in this stage of life raising my tribe, I work to do small things:

• Staying in tune with world events, receiving emails from ONE.org “ONE is a grassroots campaign of more than 2.5 million people committed to the fight against extreme poverty and preventable diseases.” ONE works to address global inequities, and to raise awareness. I sign petitions requesting debt relief or changes in policy allowing the oppressed opportunities to gain adequate health care, clean water or adequate diet. I’m just one, but I am one…and I can combine with millions of other “ones” to make a difference.
  
• Sponsoring Louis through World Vision. Louis lives in Haiti. He likes soccer and math, and his best friend is Joribeus. Louis has been a part of our family for about 5 years now. Louis’ life is different because we are a part of it…we partner with his parents to make sure he has what he needs to help him grow up to be a productive and healthy member of society
  
• Contributing to Siloam Mission by supervising students. They take on projects that the full time staff who work tirelessly can’t get to…the needs are great. Some of the homeless there are veterans, all live in poverty…and taking care of the less fortunate is one way to address injustice which creates the seeds of unrest.
  
• A commitment to difficult conversations…ones that are uncomfortable, that apologize for when I’ve hurt someone, that work to make strained relationships right. I’ve had a few of these in last weeks in my personal life. I’ve had many challenging and important conversations between clients as husband and wife, mother and son, and others collaborate to improve relationships.
  
• Anger Management…one at a time, or in small groups…honoring the underlying reasons for anger and providing inspiration and tools for speaking honorably on behalf of anger rather than out of anger…a way of resolving conflict without violence. We provide good quality anger management, and I’m proud of the difference we make in people’s lives.
  

 We are all global citizens…we are all invited to honor those who have paid the price for peace by doing our small part to increase this planet’s potential for harmony.

Got a call first thing Monday morning...Nadia, one of the excellent therapists around here, got engaged to Tom on Saturday night...a night complete with his home cooking, roses, and beautiful moments.


She is excited and is eagerly anticipating the wedding...and her marriage. During our phone conversation as we were giggling and bubbling over her happiness, she did also ask me about where I might recommend Tom and she get premarital counselling...while we offer a great program for premarital counselling here at the office, she is wise enough to ask for a place where she and Tom can start together to explore their relationship, and do whatever they can to pave the way to a quality marriage. I honor their desire to plan not only for the wedding, but also for the marriage. Best wishes for the wedding planning...and huge blessings for your life together!!

I think this is beautiful:

I realized for years I’d thought of love as something that would complete me, make all my troubles go away. I worshipped at the alter of romantic completion. And it had cost me, plenty of times. And it had cost most of the girls I’d dated, too, because I wanted them to be something they couldn’t be. It’s too much pressure to put on a person. I think that’s why so many couples fight, because they want their partners to validate them and affirm them, and if they don’t get that, they feel as though they’re going to die. And so they lash out. But it’s a terrible thing to wake up and realize the person you just finished crucifying didn’t turn out to be Jesus.
I was interviewing my friend Susan Isaacs after her book Angry Conversations with God came out. We were in front of a live audience, and I was reading questions to her off of index cards submitted by the audience…one of the questions was whether she believed there was one true love for every person.
Susan essentially said no. And she said that with her husband sitting right there in the audience. She said she and her husband believed they were a cherished prize for each other, and they would probably drive any other people mad. But then she said something I thought was wise. She said she had married a guy, and he was just a guy. He wasn’t going to make all her problems go away, because he was just a guy. And that freed her to really love him as a guy, not as an ultimate problem solver. And because her husband believed she was just a girl, he was free to really love her too. Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life’s conflicts. I thought that was beautiful…
When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.

Rather than diminishing the other to think of them as “just” a guy/girl…it elevates him/her to be fully who they are created to be…rather than squished into this box of being expected to look and act like you expect.

CBC turned 75 years old this week. They’ve been playing bits of archival material, and because its one of the stations I listen to when I’m in the car, I’ve been catching bits of them…like pieces of “As it Happens” interviewing a hostage taker in the middle of Washington’s hostage crisis years ago, or the “Dead Dog Café” with Jasper Friendly Bear and Edna Heavy Hand, or of Peter Gzoski on Morningside. Loving the nostalgia.

But one bit of it caught me and took me away like none other. I was watching Dragon’s Den to see Winnipegger Carolyne Braid face the Dragons as she was seeking funding to expand her pole dancing business (real guts, that woman had, to so confidently face their questions)…and during a commercial, as I was fiddling with email in a vain effort to clean out my inbox…suddenly I was shook by a familiar voice. I didn't have my eye on the screen, but I'd know that voice anywhere! Some vintage footage of Mr. Dressup came on, and we got to see him draw a ladybug as if she was a real lady…with a fancy hat. And there were voice overs of people probably similar to me in age talk about their fascination with Mr. Dressup and how he empowered them in cool ways.


And the sound of his voice took me baaaaack, way back. And I remembered:

• How respectfully and kindly he spoke to puppets and children, taking their concerns seriously, and working through the situations that troubled them respectfully.
  
• How he loved to play with children doing what children would like to do, asking what they wanted to do, and following them in their play in a way that made the children be important. They would co-create stories to act out, and played out adventures the children wanted to explore.
  
• The soothing sound of his voice as he would sing a song, or comfort Casey when Casey was upset about something. It was something to spend time in the same space as this calm, soothing presence.
  
• How, even as a grown man, he would wake up “Wise Old Owl” in the picture on the wall, and ask him questions and be open to his wisdom. I loved it that a grown-up man admitted he could learn things and asked questions.
  
• How he engaged the puppets and children at their level, involving himself in what they expressed an interest in, without ever becoming a child himself. He stayed a grownup, he stayed himself, but he was intensely interested in engaging with a child in a way that created a solid connection.
  
• How well he drew simple things, that encouraged me to try to draw too. I could never draw as well as he could, but somehow I knew, that if he saw my drawing, he would still like it.
  
• How exactly the right costume was always there and neatly folded at the very top of the “Tickle Trunk”, ready for whatever play he and the children or puppets were about to engage in. Never ceased to amaze me.
  

But most of all, I remember his kind gentleness…the way he stayed calm even when a child or puppet was upset, his gentle giggle about something, the way he was patient with a puppet who could worry about things, the way he petted Finnegan the dog puppet kindly and consistently. Mr. Dressup meant a lot to me…it was hard for me to go to Grade 1, because it meant that I wasn’t home at 10:30 in the morning when Mr. Dressup was on TV at my house.

I remember watching Mr. Dressup well into junior high…not because I was terribly interested in his stories (and by then Casey and Finnegan weren’t around anymore), and I’d long figured out the mystery of the right costumes being in the Tickle Trunk, even that he was actor who had a real name, Ernie Coombs. In many ways I was past the show, it wasn't age appropriate, the was targeted towards young children...but I wasn't past Mr. Dressup. The person of who he was stayed very important to me, long after an age when you'd think I'd be past "baby shows".

I watched Mr. Dressup into junior high in the summer or on days when I was at home sick from school, because Mr. Dressup made me feel good inside as I watched…and knowing I would get to watch him…well, the anticipation was good, too.

I felt calm and soothed…Mr. Dressup didn’t get angry, he was consistent and reliable (well, I didn’t like it when Casey and Finnegan left, and thought the show was never the same)…he cared about children and puppets, and enjoyed them. I liked that.

Perhaps that’s it…an adult who enjoyed being with the little ones…and I got to spend time with him.

Thanx CBC, for all the shows I’ve enjoyed of yours over the years…but most especially, thanx for Mr. Dressup.

I can be changed by what happens to me.

I refuse to be reduced by it.