December 2011

If a couple is unable to have a fight and so bring up what is on their minds, they are dealing with each other by withdrawal techniques... With each avoidance, the area that cannot be discussed grows larger until ultimately they may have nothing they can safely talk about. When a couple cannot fight, all issues which require defining an area of the relationship are avoided. The couple will eat together and watch television side-by-side, but their life has little shared intimacy.

Sometimes, as I endeavor to be an encouraging presence in someone else’s life, it backfires…instead of being a blessing, I walk away as the one blessed.

I went to see Linda at the John Howard Society  a couple of weeks back...we both have common interests in working constructively with men who get themselves into trouble. She works with male offenders…guys who need help negotiating the legal system, who are fresh out of prison and need some support to get a fresh start, and generally working with those involved in the legal system. It’s intense work, and I’m guessing there are days when it can feel like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

She is a lady who cares deeply and compassionately and courageously…the type of woman who can give a new pair of boots to a guy who needs them desperately…and can enjoy watching his pleasure at receiving them. And then she says, “Those are for your feet, and I better see them on your feet the next time I see you. And don’t you dare sell them for drugs”. And he promises her they will keep them…knowing she cares…and she’s serious that she’ll be on him if they go missing. She loves these guys, and says because her children are grown up and moved out, they are the reason she gets up in the morning, the reason she can’t ever imagine retiring. She’s great.

Linda and I had this great conversation about what she has learned, and what she knows, and what makes a difference in people’s lives. We work in similar areas and enjoyed comparing notes. As a strong and wise Aboriginal woman, she and I spoke about how I, as a Caucasian, can work effectively with clients who are Aboriginal. My race has played a huge part in the situations that many Aboriginals find themselves in…as a systems therapist, I recognize that there is a complex interplay of cause and effect that goes back generations. When clients who are Aboriginal come see us for anger management, it is important to recognize some of those complex dynamics, and not have it impact negatively with effective and respectful work. She has the 7 Sacred Teachings stenciled on her wall, and spoke about how she uses them in her work with her clients. I could go on about the visit and how inspiring it was.

We had a great discussion. Linda is a wealth of knowledge, is a tell-it-like-it-is kind of woman, and she has a great laugh that is often heard.

One of the things she suggested to me, as a way to be respectful of our Aboriginal clients and the Aboriginal culture, was to have some respected Aboriginal art in our office. She gave me a few suggestions…she knowing better than I about the artists and their work.

We hugged and wished each other the best of the season, and we left…each proclaiming gratitude for the visit to the other.

I got a package in the mail yesterday. About an inch thick, and about 2 feet by 2 ½ feet. I had a funny feeling about it and I was right. It was a picture from one of the artists Linda had recommended. She sent me a framed picture!!
 

The visit itself blew my socks off. Its rare to see someone who has been in the “helping business” for as long as Linda has to have the energy and optimism and sense of fun that she has. …and then she sent me a picture, with a lovely card.

Over. the. top. Blessed. Incredibly.

Thanx for what you have taught me, for how we work together to help male offenders in the justice system find solutions and better strategies for living. Thanx for the picture. Thanx for what I have learned from you.

Thanx Linda, for you!

This is the day I think of as “So Low That Down Is Up” day…the day where there is more darkness than any other day of the year. I’m a light-lover by nature, and so these long cold winter nights are hard on me.

Not only me. I think the majority of us are affected by the darkness. Hope seems thin. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. Life feels heavy and it’s just a tougher slog than in the winter than other times of the year. It’s hard to get moving…and the cold makes it even more difficult to talk oneself out of staying on the couch and doing something productive. And on days like today, it just seems that potato chips, chocolate, or ________ (insert high sugar/high fat carb here) would make it all go away for a while. It doesn’t really, but one could convince oneself easily and regularly to be so.

Natural full spectrum light plays an important role in our biology, our neurochemistry. It regulates melatonin, which interacts and affects other substances in our body, which impacts on quality of sleep and energy level. It has been suggested that sunshine in an important nutrient to us.

To that end, people as far north as we are, and as bundled as we are, and as avoidant of the outdoors as many of us can be when it’s cold, many Winnipeggers are impacted by the winter and experience what some might call “the winter blues”.

The sure cure for this is beach time on some tropical beach (preferably with a good book and some sort of drink with one of those little cute umbrellas in it). Alas, that isn’t a feasible option for many of us, and so we’re challenged with coming up with other, albeit less effective, strategies. Natural antidepressants can be helpful…and need to not be underestimated:

• Exercise. Preferably outdoors. Getting moving does good things for our bodies, changes body chemistry by releasing endorphins and regulating all those hormones that can shape mood. Regular exercise is great for those winter blues.
  
• Good Food Choices. High fat and food with simple sugars create a quick lift…and then a quick crash as our body swings with the quick digestion. Food with more complex carbohydrates with fibre and foods high in protein facilitate a longer “burn” evening out blood sugar levels.
  
• Human Connection. We are created to be social beings, and having meaningful relationships, and getting together with others in positive ways has the same effect on our brains as antidepressant medication. Call a friend. Go for coffee.
  

Heck…go for a brisk walk outside with a friend/cousin/co-worker, with a high fibre bar and get’em all done at once. ;)

Sure…I know I’m preaching to the choir here…the above is no surprise to the vast majority of Joe Q. Public who knows these things. But actually implementing them, when the chocolate chip cookies and couch in front of the TV are both calling your name persistently…not so easy. Just like knowing the four food groups doesn’t automatically mean a person eats well. To know something and do something…2 different things.

So…I found a secret weapon…and it’s working well for me. My own little light box:


As I drink my morning tea and deal with my morning emails, I have my new little friend off to the side shining it’s bright rays from the periphery into my eyes for 20 minutes. Within about 3 days, I was able to hear the cookies call my name and say, “No thanx”…within a week, their voices got quieter…and while they still call, “Carolyn, Carolyn”, I am able to decide…and most of the time I say, “no”…and when I say yes, I have one, and enjoy it thoroughly. I’m more regular with getting out to run. I don’t feel as “draggish” during the day. I wouldn’t say that this winter is “easy” for me, but it is definitely a significant improvement over other years.

Twas funny when, the other day, I was complimenting myself to Melanie, marveling at my recently improved ability to stay on top of my paperwork/administration. I often have this cloud of undone things hanging over my head…and I’d been getting at it much better recently. She reminded me of my little but powerful light…and I realized that it had started getting better shortly after I had started using it regularly…a side benefit that I hadn’t counted on or could have predicted. (But I’ll take it!!)

We need to work at creating hope wherever we can. I have “hope” hanging up on my Christmas tree…we as human beings crave hope. Hope gives us reason to move forward. The darkness of today, of this season can put a damper on hope. Many other reasons this season can make hope hard for blog readers, each with their own story. The above strategies don’t make it all better…but they can give some hope to help cope.

The light box is working well for me…I was a skeptic before I tried it, but I was looking for something that would give hope during a season when hope is bleak.


May you find reason to hope this season…a season of hope in the darkness of the winter, maybe in a dark winter of your life. May you find ways of creating hope in creative ways that work for you.

I love this video from Kuinerrarmiut Elitnaurviat School 5th Grade class in Quinhagak, Alaska. It brings the Hallelujah Chorus alive for me all over again.

(Sorry I can't embed the video in the blog...I'm working out a few glitches and I will be able to soon)

I’ve been marking exams this week…exams that first year Professional Master’s Occupational Therapy students have written on how to conduct a clinical interview. I have read about “Inevitable Interpersonal Events”, oh, about 48 times this week. (Let's just say marking isn't in my "Top 10" of favorite things to do.)

An Inevitable Interpersonal Event is something that happens in a relationship…stuff happens…it’s gonna happen. The fact that it happens isn’t so horrible…cuz stuff just happens, y’know? It is part of living on this earth. Like someone is misunderstood and there is hurt feelings, a boundary is crossed, someone cries or farts or lands on the other one hard (literally or metaphorically) or goofs in some way that impacts the other.

And then it happened to me…an inevitable interpersonal event.

Our office is across the street from Tim Hortons, a national icon that makes sappy commercials about how coffee connects people, and has people go, “Awwwww”. Apparently, I bought in. I thought it would be nice to get some gift cards for the staff at our office as part of their Christmas present…I know some of them like going for a walk across the street when they have a break. (Shhh….if you see one of them, don’t tell them…they haven’t got them yet.)


Well, I gather most of the rest of the country concurred with my good idea…when I went to purchase them the other day, the computer system wouldn’t cooperate (we found out later it was overloaded with gift card purchases). It took my money just fine, but it wouldn’t validate the cards.

The staff person called the manager over and she tried it. Nope. They tried again. Still not. So they refunded my money, and asked me to pay again and they started over. Still no validated cards. This took about 15 or 20 minutes. I had to leave to go back to the office to see a client. The manager took my card, and gave me hers.

She asked me to come back when I could, promised me they would call tech support and figure it out. The thing was, the manager and the staff person apologized about 4 times that this wasn’t working. The manager recognized how this was taking more time. She regretted the inconvenience. She was a little upset at how it wasn’t working, and worried aloud how that was impacting my impression of her store. I bought one additional card at a different amount…and she insisted on giving that one to me “on the house” (that one worked, for some strange reason), saying that was the least they could do.

The second time I went back, with tech support on the line, the gift cards went through successfully. In the end I got my cards…but when all was said and done, the cash register took my money twice for them. I checked my bank account the next day…and though “the system” was to reimburse my money, it hasn’t yet. The manager asked me to call her (specifically asked me to not make the trek to her store…phone was fine) if there were any problems. I called…she wasn’t at the store, but at a charity event Tim Horton’s was serving coffee at. She called me from the event in less than 90 seconds, promising to check into it.

So…this gift card purchase which I was planning on taking about 10 minutes to do, start to finish, has now taken a couple of lengthy trips to the store, a phone call, and it’s still not done.

I’m still out the money.

But I’m not mad or upset or frustrated…because the staff and management at that Tim Horton’s on Pembina Highway were so great. I’m on a first name basis with the manager…she’s great. They’ve handled it so well…taking responsibility for the problem, acknowledging and validating the inconvenience, expressing regret…the whole “inevitable interpersonal event” which was in itself a problem, was handled so effectively, my relationship with the Tim Horton’s and its staff across the street is stronger now than it was before the event.

I trust them that this will yet get fixed, and I’m pretty chill about the whole thing

That’s the thing about “Inevitable Interpersonal Events”. They happen. The fact that stuff happens that is hurtful, harmful, embarrassing, goofed up is just a natural part of being a human being in a relationship with another human being. But, as I read (about four dozen times this week—way too often!!), Inevitable Interpersonal Events are “ripe with opportunity” to “strengthen the relationship” by how the event is handled.

(Of course, the flip side is that it is “ripe with danger” (straight from the textbook) to weaken the relationship by not apologizing where appropriate, taking responsibility, acknowledging the impact, or otherwise processing the event effectively with the other.)

Stuff happens in relationships…that’s a given. It’s not a ultimate failure to get wires crossed, misunderstandings to occur, and make mistakes. While efforts to decrease hard things from happening is important, hard stuff is going to happen despite best efforts. It’s inevitable.

What happens after…how you handle that inevitable event, is likely to be more important than the original gaffe in the long term memory of the relationship.

How much effort do you put into relationship repair?

December is a time of merry-making…and when people make decisions (or don’t make decisions and just “what happens happen”, which is a sort of passive decision) about drinking. If, when, and how much.

Drinking…how do you make your decisions about drinking?

I was called the other day to do an interview about how to talk to adolescents…those just nearing drinking age….about making good choices about alcohol. The timing didn’t work out, so someone else did the interview, but it did get me to thinking about the topic.

You see, for someone like me, this isn’t just about drunk driving.

The effects of alcohol reach far beyond accidents related to driving under the influence. That’s part of it for certain. Jack Tobin was fooling around with friends last year and pinned his best friend under the car while under the influence. He describes life now as a "nightmare from which you will never wake up".

Let me tell you a little bit about the inappropriate use of alcohol. It affects lives--the life of the drinker, those around the drinker, and generations that follow.

• Alcohol is a depressant. It depresses pain…which can seem like a good thing, but it stops people from feeling what needs to be felt and processed. People get stuck because they don’t deal with life issues.
  
• It depresses inhibitions which can seem like a good thing for a person who is shy with a new date or at a party…but it suppresses good judgment too. I’ve talked with many who like a glass or two to start opening up to their spouse, or to be able to be intimate…but things can spiral into fighting and ugliness quickly.
  
• People can do things under the influence of alcohol that they would never do sober. Sleeping with a co-worker, slapping your child, mouthing off to your mother. You may apologize later, but you “can’t unring the bell” and everyone lives with the consequences for a lifetime.
  
• When people become attached to alcohol, they become detached from people. Alcohol creates disconnection. Even “happy drunks” or “sleepy drunks” who seem to do less harm aren’t available to their children or their spouses in ways that are significant. There is a field of literature and help for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Children who grew up in a family where alcohol was misused tend to share common characteristics and struggle with some of the same issues. Many, who come to us as adults with struggles inside themselves or with the close relationships in their lives. have grown up with alcoholism in their family.
  

Generally, we at Bergen and Associates Counselling get a larger number of calls in January for counselling than other months. This is for a variety of reasons, but one of them is that there are more than the usual number of opportunities during the holidays to drink alcohol, and that creates situations which need to be worked through, brings back memories that require processing, and creates conflict and grief for any number of reasons.

So…how do we teach our children the responsible use of alcohol?

• Model appropriate use of alcohol. Things like drinking, smoking, further education, treating others with respect—areas of life that are values based—this stuff is better ‘caught than taught”. Children are more likely to remember what you do than what you say on the topic. Admit your mistakes when you make them, and let your children learn from your experience.
  
• Talk about the issues as they arise. When alcohol related incidents are reported in the media, use it as an opportunity to have a discussion. Have children develop a wisdom on the dangers of the misuse of alcohol long before they are at a stage where peers will pressure them to be hip/cool/rad/sick.
  
• Recognize that putting up absolutes as a “brick wall” just invites a child to get a ladder and climb over in defiance. To expect offspring to be teetotalers until their 30’s likely isn’t realistic. Rather, invite a child to responsibility after you have discussed together what responsibility is, what it looks like, what the child aspires to, and what sort of behavior needs to happen for the child to feel good about themselves. Many children look for a way to get around a rule they feel forced upon them, but rise to the occasion to be honorable when invited and given an opportunity.
• Allow for measured mistakes. A friend of mine had money tucked underneath the cookie jar on top of the fridge. It was there for one purpose only…she told her children that she hoped they would make wise choices about alcohol and the whole party scene…but if they ever felt uncomfortable at a party and had no way home, or the friend that had brought them was drunk and it wasn’t safe to get in the car, they were to call a taxi and pay the cab driver with the money under the cookie jar. They were asked to notify their mother for the sole purpose of replacing the funds No questions  asked (this was after many conversations over the years to invite them to responsibility). She gave them an “out” to get home safely if they got in over their heads…an out that they could feel safe to use. To my knowledge the original money stayed there for years. Kids can make mistakes…and learn from those mistakes…they need to be allowed to make mistakes at a level that is tolerable.
  

Here’s a toast to responsible drinking this Christmas season!

I was at a wedding on Sunday…it was beautiful. Wonderful. I love weddings.

Powerful to all witness together the commitment of a man and woman to each other through thick and thin…as I look over the grey topped heads of those who know what that really means, and sit beside youngsters who are wide-eyed at the process, looking on in wonder and seeing hopeful and sincere commitment in full color. After the music, the bride walking down the aisle with her parents, the groom and the bride meet at the front, an opening blessing, and the minister begins telling a story…

He tells the story of William Shackleton, an explorer who puts up an ad in 1914 asking for brave men who are willing to risk life and limb for an adventure…successful return unlikely. He had 5000 men apply, and from that selected a crew to travel with him on an Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition. It was a difficult journey that did not go smoothly. The boat became trapped in ice, and after months was crushed and then sunk by ice. After months on ice floes, the crew travelled in lifeboats to Elephant Island, an inhospitable place. Shackleton and a few men got into a boat and worked to make it to the mainland…only to have to climb over difficult terrain and a mountain to get help. Several attempts were required to go pick up the last 22 men on Elephant Island.

All 22 men from Elephant Island made it back…but it was risky and brutally hard and long.

Strange way to start a wedding meditation.

The officiant compared marriage to this adventure…frought with danger, huge risk, requiring bravery...but possible.

Shackleton was determined, and didn’t give up. Against all odds, multiple challenges, and severe adversity, Shackleton determined to bring them all back alive: persistently, steadily, doggedly, indefatigably.

Marriage is hard. Really hard.

• It means hanging in there during tough times.
  
•  It means showing up.
  
•  It means crossing the room, even when everything in you wants to turn away.
  
• It means open up a hand to reach for another, when everything inside pulls one’s fingers to stay tightly clenched tight.
  
• It means taking a deep breath and working to understand and connect when every fiber of one’s being wants to defend oneself.
  

I spoke to one young friend this week, married only a few years, and she told me how she is just starting to get the “hard part” of marriage. She loves her husband deeply…but remarked how she could see that there were a few points even now, early in their marriage when she said, “There have been a few times when there was a tiny crack…and I had to make a choice, or we had to make a choice, about which route to take about that crack. I can see how there was a choice to make, and making it was going to determine what would happen to that crack over the years.”

She made reference to their premarital counselling, and how some of those conversations came back to remind them about the hard but valuable road of investing in the relationship.

There is much in our culture that makes it difficult to marriage to last a lifetime. External pressures exist now that didn’t used to, and supports aren’t always as present as in days gone by.

It can be hard--brutally difficult--to make it through the crises of marriage…to enjoy the fruits of intimacy and closeness of having a partner in life’s journey.

William Shackleton worked and struggled with his commitment to do what it took to make sure everyone got home safely. It wasn’t easy, it was risky, but he persevered against all odds.
Here’s a toast to the couples who have that same sort of zeal to preserving and improving the life of their relationship…to bring it home safely to the end of life in a way that enhances the lives of husband and wife, children and community.