The Long Scream

Depression is a condition that many who have "not been there" is difficult to understand.

Henri Nouwen, writes in one of my favorite books, The Inner Voice of Love, a description of his own depression.  It captures feelings and concepts that parallel the descriptions people have described to me.  It hit shortly after he began a time of rest at a L'arche community. Listen in:

Just when all those around me were assuring me they loved, me, cared for me, appreciated me, yes, even admired me, I experienced myself as useless, unloved, and despicable person.  Just when people were putting their arms around me, I saw the endless depth of my human misery and felt that there was nothing worth living for.  Just when I had found a home, I felt absolutely homeless.  Just when I was being praised for my spiritual insights, I felt devoid of faith.  Just when people were thanking me for bringing them closer to God, I felt that God had abandoned me.  It was as if the house I had finally found had no floors.  The anguish completely paralyzed me.  I could no longer sleep. I cried uncontrollably for hours.  I could not be reaching by consoling words or arguments. I no longer had any interest in other people's problems.  I lost all appetite for food and could not appreciate the beauty of music, art, or even nature.  All had become darkness.  Within me there was one long scream coming from a place I didn't know existed...

(page xiv)

The forlorn plaintiveness of the above paragraph strikes me at its very core.  This feeling is something that can't be argued against, rationalized, understood in a logical sense.  It brings an all-consuming-overwhelming-can't-catch-my-breath-I-think-I want-to die kind of pain. 

When one is in the middle of it, it seems almost impossible to believe that it won't always be that way. Nouwen comments that, "the two guides who were given to me did not leave me alone and kept gently moving me from one day to the next, holding on to me as parents hold a wounded child....Thanks to my attentive and caring guides, I was able to take very small steps toward life." (page xvii)

Nouwen's experience resonates with research that states that meaningful relationships are a powerful antidote to recovery from depression.  Powerful connections with others to have conversations to plumb the depths of the pain...to find the place that you didn't know exists (but does) and to know it, has it lose its power.  Over time, colors re-emerge, sounds become brighter, and beauty re-enters.

Depression is painful, incredibly so--too often misunderstood and therefore, minimized by others--which further increases the isolation and alienation of depression. Reaching out to others who are meaningfuly supportive isn't a quick fix, but it is an important first step in the long journey of recover.