Mixing Oil and Water Successfully

Sometimes you have to figure out a way to get along.

Wynonna and Naomi Judd were on Oprah last week.  They are taking another tour together...something they haven't done in years.  They stopped touring a long time ago...partly because of health issues, and partly because they couldn't stand each other. They referred frequently to their therapist/life coach and what he had taught them—they’re ready to go back on the road again because of the work they’ve done. 

 

I gather he taught them to listen to each other respectfully…and the way they could do that was hear what the other person was saying without feeling the need to defend or react. Wynonna and Naomi are able to hear the other’s perspective as real and valid and authentic, all the while relaxing in the knowledge that their own perspective is real and valid and authentic. Seeing something in two different ways becomes OK. Knowing how the other person is perceiving something helps you be compassionate, empathic and understanding of their actions—it doesn’t have to mean you lose the right to your own perspective.

 

Sounds obvious, right?

 

Not so much sometimes, in the heat of the moment.

 

Listening and understanding does not mean agreeing. Letting the other person know you “get it” does not mean that you have given in to their perception of things. For many, that it a revolutionary thought.

 

Communication strategies the Judd’s mentioned that have helped them get to this point include things like “Last drop listening”: After a person has finished talking ask, “Is there more?”  Isn't that a beautiful, simple line, that can help a conversation.

3 more strategies in the listening paradigm:

1.  “Is now a good time?” Ask for permission to talk. Work at a time that is mutually convenient so the other is invited into the conversation, not forced.  This starts the conversation out with both being on even footing, one isn't backed into the corner.
   
2. Repeat back…mirroring…so that you know you heard what the other person said, and they know that you have understood. The other person leaves feeling like they have been heard (which is different than “get their way”—both people need to understand this important difference)
3. “I would like a do-over” Ask for permission to restate something when it comes out in a way that doesn’t represent you well. We all have times when we watch ourselves saying something and we are horrified at what is coming out of our mouths, but we watch ourselves saying it anyway, feeling badly about it even as it happens. Trouble is, too often, when the other person doesn’t like what we’ve just said, and let’s us know it, we suddenly start to defend it—defend ourselves—when really, we didn’t like it either. A “do-over” gives opportunity to be more respectful, a little gentler, a little kinder even while saying something important.

Give it a shot.  Allow someone to talk to you about something with no agenda other than to really understand where they are coming from.  Ask for the same in return.  AFTER THAT (and only after that), then figure out where you go from there.