Owning it and Fixing it

I blew it the other day.  I was frustrated, tired, angry, and hungry...and when one of the junior members of my tribe made a mistake, I didn't handle it well.

He did something that indicated he was a normal adolescent who forgets that there are other members of the household...he looked after himself.  That's what teenagers do.  One of the normal developmental tasks of adolescence is to become more aware of those around, and develop empathy and care--and then translate that into action.  In other words, mature.  Heck, most of us adults are still working on that.

So, it is completely normal that he neglected to include the others in the tribe in his preparations.  Normal--but not appropriate...so as a mother I should gently instruct and encourage allowing the slow dawn of enlightenment to begin to burn brighter and brighter in his mind as he understands his error.  The facilitation of this discovery would pave the way for greater compassion and care of others the next time (read these last 2 sentences with great maternal melodrama).

Yeah, right.  Not so much.  I'd had a crazy day where I hadn't had time to sit down.  The advance planning for supper, the extra phone call home to make sure it was started did not turn into the leisurely 20 minutes of family time that I had planned when I arrived home.  There was supper for one.  And that wasn't me.

I was hurt...and then I got mad, keenly aware of a sense of injustice...not at all acting like a mom needing to raise a child carefully, but as a human being that was worn out, frazzled, and disappointed.  I said some things that weren't at all instructional or inspiring to better behavior.  And when the tribe member got mad in response, I argued back.  Like arguing with an adolescent when they are upset actually gets you somewhere.  Like I was in a place to be making effective communication. Not so much.

At some point, I figured out that I best stop digging the hole deeper...and so I got silent.

Later that evening, I apologized.  I blew it.  I still felt bad, though...
and the next morning, for some reason...I googled one of my favorite parenting gurus that I have found really helpful and saw this:

I'm gonna send the tribe member a link to this blog.  He needs to know how sorry I am.  He needs to know how I'm gonna push "restart" on my parenting and give it a good go...and then be prepared to hear another apology when I will, despite my efforts, inevitably blow it again.  He needs to witness real apologies to see what it is like to "own it and fix it"...I need to change my behavior and strategies, so he can see an apology in action.

I can hope that my apology will inspire apologies of his own in his life to the others that he will wrong in his life, despite his best efforts.  That he will know what it looks and feels like to own it and fix it...to be able to take responsibility, to not become defensive or hostile or blaming.

Good thing he'll have more opportunities to witness and learn from apologies of "owning it and fixing it"--his mother is human, eh?  His mother is me--and I will mess up again.