That line: "hold the space for pain and discomfort" comes from here:
“Faith communities perceive it as a unwillingness to be in the dark, to feel pain…I would argue that it’s not always an unwillingness, it’s sometimes it’s the inability… 'I don’t know how…I physically, spiritually, emotionally, physiologically don’t know how to sit in that.' ”
from the video Brene Brown, Shame and Vulnerability
I remember powerful experiences of people being willing to
sit in the space of darkness of pain and discomfort with me.
- I remember holding vigil for loved ones
in hospital…an acquaintance I barely knew stopped by to visit us. Many people stopped by to visit us, to
offer words of comfort and courage, to attempt to cheer us up, to bring food,
to pray—all of them appreciated, but his are the only words I distinctly remember
many years later. He said little, stood around fairly quietly, and then
mumbled… “I hate this shitty place”, adding a few months earlier, he had also stood death vigil for a loved
one on the very ward. His words
spoke understanding…he sat with us for a few minutes in the dark.
- I remember years later, as another
heartbreak loomed near…the pain and despair threatened to overwhelm. Special neighbors created space and
held my darkness…after the tribe was tucked in and sleeping for the night, I’d
walk down the street and settle myself on their couch…folding myself in half on
their couch to weep..head in my hands, hands on my lap. I would sob and sob while she would
have her hand on my back, and he, his hand on my knee. After I was all cried out, I would make
my way back to my house to fall into bed, able to crash into an exhausted
sleep. For several weeks, several
times per week, I would knock on their door, and they would open it, and take
their place on the couch with space in between for me, ready to hold the
pain. Little was said…little needed to be said, little could
be said.
I’ve never forgotten these. They was priceless then. I learned much from these moments, that I carry still. These companions-in-pain were also my teachers...they taught me how to sit in the space of pain, and eventually, how to be with others in the dark.
“When my kids are struggling, I'm not hardwired to sit in the dark, and sit with them. I’m hardwired to flip on the lights…so we start teaching compassion, and teaching the ability to hold space for pain and discomfort by sitting with our kids in the dark”
from the video
Holding space for pain…a hard task that requires vulnerability, but allows for being fully alive…for the heart that has space for pain, also has space for joy. The heart that can hold grief, can also hold vitality and love and connection with others.
Painful but worthwhile learning.