A Thoughtful Look at Life

The Power of Love

January 31st, 2012

One privilege I have as a couples' therapist is a front row seat to watching how one spouse can

inspire,
encourage,
empower,
believe in,
support

the other spouse in a way that

uplifts,
grows,
develops,
creates "more" in the other person. More confidence, more risking, more relaxing, better sleep, more laughter, just...well...more good stuff.

Saw this today and loved it:

His eyes had caught the light, and he said it slow and I was too young and I�ve gone back to that moment, the way it flashed, a thousand times.

�One thing you can count on is the way I�ll love you.� ...
The way he has loved has made his wife a woman. This is what a man can do to a woman.

The way he loves her has made her live.

I don�t care how cold the wind blows. He has always come and in air that�s only smiled, he�s strengthened the stalk of me, opened the petals of who I am and I have fit my skin.

I look him in the eye. Why? Why would he?

�I love you.� He says it simply.

Ann Voskamp
A Holy Experience

Thanx, Ann, for reminding us

A Night to Remember

January 30th, 2012

Sometimes what you were hoping would happen, falls apart�and the fall back plan ends up better than you could have imagined.

Friday afternoon was one of �those days��I got a call from a friend who was at my house waiting for the appliance repairman�when she arrived�there was water all over the kitchen from the leaky faucet. I knew it needed repair, but I was hoping to wait until the weekend�it was leaking more than I though. :/

An hour later she called again, and this time put the repairman on the phone. The dishwasher is inoperable, and the fridge may be on it�s last legs�the �fix� would be hundreds of dollars with no guarantee of it �taking��there is an alternative to give the fridge 72 hours of total �R and R��and it may work when it�s had 3 days of rest. (OK�does that not sound odd? My fridge needs a long weekend of vacation�but that�s what he said).

So�now I have no fridge, no running water, and a broken dishwasher�and it�s Friday afternoon�and we�re having a guest for supper�and he eats a gluten free diet, so ordering a pizza at the last minute is NOT an option�and each junior tribe member is using the time after school to work on a science project (which means that there is a volcano in my bathtub where I am also trying to wash dishes), and one of'em notifies me at 6:00 that he actuallly has to be at an event at 7:00�and oh yeah, I have a workshop I�m doing the next morning on �Boundaries��and I planned for some quiet time on Friday night to prep...and I'm trying to watch this video on YouTube to figure out how to fix a leaky tap.

It was either laugh or cry�I chose to laugh�mostly.

The kicker�the next night, we are having a Bergen and Associates Counselling staff party at my house. So�as I�m standing in the middle of the office Friday afternoon, looking at the phone after the repairman finishes delivering his news�I am gazing dumbstruck. Contemplating how it will all work. Can it work? What is it gonna take to make it work?

Yikes. And then Melanie, our office manager pipes up��uh�my husband is out of town this weekend, so the house will be quiet. We had company on Wednesday so our house is already clean�do you want to switch the party to my house?�

My immediate response was �no��because in my culture, when I grew up, when someone offered something so huge, so kind, that �put them out� so much�you say no. That�s with the understanding that they are being nice, but may not actually mean it�may even be hoping that you�ll know they don�t mean it�it�s meant as a gesture of support, not an actual offer.

But�I had to go into session�and sometimes the best way to make a decision is to �put it on the back burner� and do something else creative and lifegiving to put your brain in a good space.

So�after the session, I reminded myself (given that it was on top of my brain that I'm talking about "Boundaries" the next day) that she is a grown up that chose to offer her house.� I checked with Melanie�is this realistic�are you seriously offering. And she assured me she was�I took a deep breath and took her up on hosting the party.

And so it was a hectic Friday night at home, a crazy Saturday morning at the Boundary Brunch, and a busy Saturday afternoon prepping for an event at her house. I felt "fried".

But then Saturday night came. And. It . Was. A. Blast.

Melanie�s house was the perfect home to get together. We had an �appetizer potluck� and had this beautiful array of vegetables, pastries, crackers and cheese, candied nuts, meatballs, and bacon wrapped water chestnuts. Yum-o! (And she gave a "goodie bag" of frozen cabbage rolls to each guest as they departed...how cool is that!)

And we laughed and giggled and howled together as we shared in each other�s lives. Told funny stories about travel and adventures, about some of our recent media ventures.

Probably the funnest part of the evening was when we spent some time talking about the January Secret Partner stuff. To brighten up our month, I had given everyone someone else�s name. It was meant to be kept secret�and throughout the month, we were all to find ways of brightening that person�s week in some way�it was to be inexpensive and not burdensome�but fun.

And it was a scream to hear the lengths people went to, to do nice things for their person�Gail came in on the weekends to leave something for Melanie�she�s always at her desk and so surprising her was hard. Some of us wrote notes with our non-dominant hand to conceal our identity�Melanie was quick to point out that my writing probably couldn�t be much messier with my left hand. There was crafty sneakiness to do nice things yet remain anonymous�and it had us in stitches imagining the lengths some folks went to, to do things in secret. Someone had some last minute misgivings about giving the TicTacs�so quickly added a note that it was given innocently, and not to suggest an issue with bad breath. Head scratchers, foot warmers, candles, lotion, little cards�wrapped up in pretty paper�or with a simple post it note.

Melanie enjoyed noticing little things sticking out of the mailboxes�and it was fun to get an email from her reminding me that I should check my mailbox. With the Starbucks card (man, he knows me!) and business card holder my secret partner gave me was a thoughtfully encouraging note that I will cherish long after the gift card has been used.

There�s just something about people doing sweet thoughtful kind things for each other that made the office an even more pleasant place to be than usual.

What seemed to me like an overwhelming event only 24 hours before, turned into an evening that I will remember long into the future�what warmed my heart down to my toes was a phrase buried in the middle of a question.

As we were visiting, Roshonna asked if there were some in the �Bergen family� of staff that would be interested in participating in the Manitoba Marathon relay as a team.

She called us a family.

A family.

Family.

Ahhhhh.

(soft smile)

Making an Appointment

January 29th, 2012

People trust their hairdresser to cut their hair, and their mechanic to fix their car, Bergen points out. Why wouldn't they trust a counsellor with the things that are troubling them?
"It's okay to seek help and to seek resources from somebody who knows something about an area that you don't," says Bergen, who has been a counsellor for 14 years and has owned her own private practice, Bergen and Associates Counselling, for the past 12.
"I consider the client the expert of their story, and I consider myself somewhat of an expert of the process. So, the client and I can work together to look at something that they can't do on their own."

from the article:
Depression in the Darkest Months

I had a great conversation chatting with Aaron Epp, a journalist with Christian week the other day, about the difficulties of January/February, and the challenge generally that folks have in seeing a counsellor.

My experience is that many are surprised by how much they enjoy the counselling experience...I'm not sure that it's "fun"...but it feels good, sorta like getting a massage that might have painful moments, but in the end, you know you feel better.

Clients tell me that it was more like a normal conversation than they thought it would be, and that they left with a fresh way to think of things...which is often particularly surprising as the issue has been likely swirling around in the brain this way and that for months.

It takes courage to go to a counsellor...to do so means to expose one's vulnerabilities with another...often in a way that one has been avoiding for a long time...which actually can perpetuate the problem.

I honor and admire folk who choose to invest in themselves and their relationships by working at "stuff" deliberately with a trained professional.

A Slip of Grace

January 23rd, 2012

Dear Grey Ford Fusion Guy,

I don�t think you really knew, did you?

You couldn�t know that I had a meeting this morning which was challenging and worrisome. That what you did was sandwiched shortly before another meeting where I went in feeling in a �liitle over my head�.
�
You couldn�t know that I work in a business that sets me up to hear stories of how people have been hurt. I hear about experiences of people that no one should have to ever experience�those experiences often need a place to be processed�often, it�s me who provides that place. I�m honored to do so�but it means I see a skewed and twisted side of life more than most�and so you couldn�t know what it would be like for me when you did what you did.

You couldn�t know what you did touched me.

It was no big deal really�except it was.

I parked right behind you at metered parking on the downtown street today. And just before I could put money to buy the time and get the piece of paper�you gave me your ticket�you said you only had used 2 minutes of your allotted 60�and so you gave me the 58 free minutes.

No big deal really�.it only costs a buck for an hour.

But it was a big deal�because you didn�t have to. You could have just continued on your merry way, and I would have put my own dollar in to park for the 50 minutes or so that I needed that downtown spot. I wouldn�t have minded�I expected to do that.

But you extended grace to me�you got out of your car, pulling that parking tag out from your front window and offered it to a total stranger. It didn�t cost you anything financial�but it did cost you a moment or two of your time.

And it cost you some courage�you troubled yourself to go out of your way for a total stranger, not knowing how I would react.

You did it totally selflessly�there was absolutely nothing in it for you�

except

hopefully you could see the delight on my face as I received a surprise gift �out of the blue�.

There was no need to do it�nothing would have been lost if you hadn�t decided to be generous.

But you were.

And you saved me a buck.

But that is trivial to how it brightened my cold dreary January Monday.

For today, Grey-Ford-Fusion-Guy, you restored faith in the kindness of the human spirit, reminded me of gentle moments that human beings are capable of, of the value of bringing joy to a stranger, of the little often-brushed-over moments where we can choose to brighten someone�s day�it might only take a moment, cost very little�and yet make a BIG difference.

In a world that is often cold and demanding, you extended grace to a stranger in a gentle kind way that someone noticed�

�just in case you didn�t know, Grey-Ford-Fusion-Guy�I wanted to write it down and let you know�

I appreciated your grace�

Hopefully now you can know.

A Thought

January 22nd, 2012

The risk of connecting to another in relationship is fraught with danger, and there are times in most people's lives that it is deemed "not worth it". And while the danger of being hurt in the relationship is then averted, the larger cost of being without that relationship carries with it a different sort of risk, a type of wounding.

�

Tanis HalfElven

from the Dragonlance saga

Have You Hugged Your Kid Today?

January 20th, 2012

Have you hugged your kid today?

Hugs can NEVER be overrated.

Hugs are powerful�oxytocin is released during a hug�it connects people, it calms the soul, and soothes troubled emotions. Hugs help children settle, it �slows down a racing engine�, it reduces pain. Hugging is part of spending time, showing you care, nurturing and loving another.

The benefits of hugs are well docoumented. In a recent article in the New York Times Sunday Review entitled, �A Poverty Solution that Starts with a Hug� talked about a study where hugging was an important component:

This organization sends nurses to visit poor, vulnerable women who are pregnant for the first time. The nurse warns against smoking and alcohol and drug abuse, and later encourages breast-feeding and good nutrition, while coaxing mothers to cuddle their children and read to them. This program continues until the child is 2.
At age 6, studies have found, these children are only one-third as likely to have behavioral or intellectual problems as others who weren�t enrolled. At age 15, the children are less than half as likely to have been arrested.

�

That�s powerful stuff. It�s helping moms make good choices. It�s providing caring support to women who may themselves not been nurtured, and having them learn and experience nurture.

It�s recognizing how important it is to help vulnerable women without a lot of resources to understand and practice a style of parenting that helps children feel secure, feel loved, and be able to experience regulation with a parents assistance.

Children who experience love and caring and calming can develop skills in being able to soothe themselves, in being able to self regulate, and ability to make good choices based on long term goals and not immediate gratification.

Hugs are powerful. Hugs improve relationships. Hugs change people.

Go�hug your kid today!

Being the Right Partner

January 18th, 2012

Marriage is not about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person.

Elliot Katz

Divorced man whose done some thinking

Psychology Today has a great article on marriage which I devoured the other day. It�s a fabulous piece that will likely be hard to read for those spouses who want to fix their relationship by having their partner fixed. It encourages spouses to take responsibility for their role in the relationship. It empowers people to choose to relate to the other in light of the �big picture� of their relationship, not in the heat of the moment, with impulsive defensiveness or quick retaliation.

I can�t resist quoting a few gems from the article�which I would encourage all marrrieds or might-someday-be-married folks to read. This is a thought provoking gem:

Sooner or later, there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it's all a dreadful mistake�I call it the first day of your real marriage�.It's not a sign that you've chosen the wrong partner. It is the signal to grow as an individual�to take responsibility for your own frustrations. Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life's wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us.

In mature love� "we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.�

�it's too simplistic an interpretation that your partner is the one who's wrong. "We tend to point our finger at the person in front of us. We're fairly crude at processing some information. We tend not to think, 'Maybe I'm not giving her what she needs.' 'Maybe he's disgruntled because I'm not opening up to him.' Or, 'Maybe he's struggling in his relationships with other people.' The more sophisticated question is, 'In what ways are we failing to make one another happy?'"

"Sometimes marriage is going to be a source of pain and sorrow," says Givertz. "And that's necessary for personal and interpersonal growth." In fact, it's impossible to be deliriously happy in marriage every moment if you are doing anything at all challenging in life, whether raising children, starting a business, or taking care of an aging parent.
Disillusionment becomes an engine for growth because it forces us to discover our needs. Knowing oneself, recognizing one's needs, and speaking up for them in a relationship are often acts of bravery, says Page. Most of us are guarded about our needs, because they are typically our areas of greatest sensitivity and vulnerability�.At the same time, taking the risk to expose your inner life to your partner turns out to be the great opportunity for expanding intimacy and a sense of connection. This is the great power of relationships�

The only elements that identified those who eventually divorced were negative and self-protective reactions during discussions of relationship difficulties and nonsupportive reactions in discussing a personal issue. Displays of anger, contempt, or attempts to blame or invalidate a partner augured poorly, even when the partners felt their marriage was functioning well overall�.In other words, the inability or unwillingness to suppress negative emotions in the heat of the moment eliminates the possibility of a transformation of motivation to a broader perspective than one's own. Eventually, the cumulative impact of negative reactivity brings the relationship down.

"We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a difficult spouse. We emphasize that our spouse is difficult and forget how we're difficult for them."

(bolded emphases mine)

So�try this. Next time you are disgruntled about your relationship, deliberately make a choice to examine your role in the dynamic and determine what impact you have on your spouse that helps to create their reaction.

One book that I find amazingly helpful for folks who almost forget what it is like to speak in a way that invites constructive dialogue with their spouse is the book, Talk to Me like I�m Someone You Love. It�s a great spiral bound book with �flashcards� along with explanations about how/when to use them. A few examples:

Taking responsibility: "I realize I'm overreacting. Can you give me a minute to get sane again?"   
Apologizing: "I know I've really hurt you. What can I do to help you trust me again?"   
Loving: "You are precious, and I get that I haven't been treating you like you are."

�Can you imagine what sorts of responses those invite?

Is Prayer Shameful?

January 13th, 2012

I was listening to a this week's show of DNTO (Definitely Not The Opera)�the focus of the show was on prayer. A dear friend had sent me the link�as a quirky, sometimes irrereverant variety of viewpoints on prayer.

I listened to a variety of people being interviewed on how and when they pray and what happens when they pray. Muslims, agnostics, Christians, and some that aren�t even sure what they consider themselves�but they pray.

There were a few themes that developed:

People pray because they want to�almost feel a natural compulsion to communicate with Power beyond them. Even if they don�t follow a religious tradition, they pray. Even if they don�t understand what it means, what it does, or if it does anything, they pray.
Prayer changes people. People described an increased feeling of peace or contentment. They were able to acknowledge their ultimate lack of control over their life in a manner than didn�t increase stress�almost releasing them from the pressure to attempt to control the impossible. Prayer helped people�s attitudes adjust to something that felt more compassionate or understanding or kind. Praying was good for people and better prepared them to face their world
People are often ashamed that they will be �caught� praying or even to admit to another that they do pray. It seems they fear others will judge them in some way�though no one articulates why they are so shy about praying, most avoid talking about it, or try to hide when they do pray.

Seems like something that is such a powerful tool that serves an important purpose in so many peoples� lives should be celebrated and acknowledged as a normal part of life. Many people exercise, many people enjoy reading, many people pray as part of their normal life. Should it have to be a hidden secret?

January: Divorce or Rebuild Month??

January 11th, 2012

This morning, Kris Laudien and I chatted on CTV Morning Live about January being known as �Divorce Month��a month when there is an increase in calls to lawyers from couples seeking to end their marriage. It was great to talk about something I am passionate about (look at CTV News player link entitled, �January: Conquering Divorce Month� in the center column)

January is also known as Couple Counselling Month for couple counsellors and the couples we work with. It is our experience over the last decade and more that we have been operating as a counselling clinic, that there is a greater number of calls from people wanting counselling in January. As people look back at the previous year and evaluate goals for the next, they realize that they want changes in their marriage.

There is another option between sticking out what is, or getting a divorce: a third way�developing a different, more satisfying marriage.

Marriage is the most important relationship in our lives, and yet we often expect it to take care of itself.

we don�t expect our teeth to manage without a dentist;
we don�t expect our cars to go without regular oil changes and other routine maintenance, with the odd repair done when needed;
we don�t expect our houses to clean themselves, or the laundry to magically appear clean in our drawers

�but often couples expect their relationship to run well without deliberate maintenance or tending.

Without that maintenance or repair work when the cracks are manageable and easily reparable, the cracks can develop into fissures and crevices that create distance and coolness between the couple. Spouses stop being a safe place to land for each other, so they start protecting themselves�which in itself creates distance and further coolness as the relationship is no longer primary, but rather self protection takes precedence. And it spirals down until one day one looks at the other and says, �I can�t even remember loving this person. I don�t want to be here�. Maintenance and maintaining a healthy marriage can prevent a spiral into marital unhealth.

Now�make no mistake�all marriages have seasons and normal �ups and downs��and I�ve heard officiating ministers, on more than one occasion, tell a bride and groom at the alter to take a deep breath and remember this moment of love and commitment as one that, in all liklihood, will need to be recalled at a moment when it�s rough. To be prepared to recall it in a moment that it�s hard, in a moment where one or both spouses want to attack or pull away or �throw in the towel�. To know at the moment of celebratory love that there will be difficult moments ahead�and that is OK�it doesn�t mean to give up, it means to try differently.

Marriage is valuable and lifegiving and remarkable and hard and incredible and stressful and empowering and frustrating and sacrificial and potential-filled�and, ultimately, humans are hardwired to desire it.

It�s important to proactively protect and build up this most-precious of relationships�to expect hard times, to expect to work hard to find strategies to work through them, that ultimately, years later will have a couple realize the strength that was developed in the relationship because of the weathering of those storms.

So, go out on a date, have an extra cup of coffee with deliberate conversation after supper, work through a book, take some online relationship-health quizzes and talk about the results. A fellow promoter of marriage health dropped off some handbills today promoting a �Love and Respect Marriage Conference� occurring on February 10 and 11, 2012 at Grant Memorial Baptist Church�a workshop/retreat like this, from engaging and interactive speakers, can be a real boost to a marriage with some struggles, and can recharge a tired marriage, or vitalize a marriage that is already strong.
Have you had a marriage tune-up lately?

Anger on Richard Cloutier Radio

January 7th, 2012

Rod Minaker and I were with Richard Cloutier on Thursday at CJOB talking about anger�he wanted to talk about the perception that anger is �bad��which is understandable, given that most of our most memorable stick-to-the-ribs recollections of anger were scary and not something we�d want to repeat.

We talked about anger as information that is a natural part of our experience as humans�and it gives energy to do something about that information.

The challenge is to harness it: just like a horse can be wild and dangerous or harnessed to pull a plow or herd cattle, or a fire can burn a house/forest/business or be contained in a pit to create heat and cook supper�anger needs to be harnessed to work for you, not against you. Too often, anger hijacks a person, frightens others, and mispresents the person�he may get what he wanted in the immediate moment, but do damage to the relationship, and not ultimately receive the respect he desires.

Conversely, a person may deny all anger, believing anger is not acceptable, and in so doing, set themselves up to be hurt and have offensive things reoccur again and again�(which increases the intensity of the ignored inner burn).

So�given that this is a topic Rod and I are passionate about, it was great to share it on air with Richard and his listeners. Ryan, a caller, spoke of his ongoing adventure of anger�how it was what he grew up with and knew in his home�how it got him into trouble and he spent time in prison�how he went to anger management numerous times�but it took the perspective of realizing what kind of dad he wanted to be, and what he wanted for his kids that had him decide to make a fresh start. He says he�s still working on it, and sees it as a lifelong challenge to deal effectively with his anger. I really admired his take on the whole thing...wisdom gained through life experience.

It was cool to see the inside workings of a radio station...my first time�the smooth coordinated ballet between the tech guy, the news guy, and the talk guy. As a person who is curious about all sorts of things, to watch the way they worked together was pretty cool.

What was an added bonus was on Thursday, the day we were on, Garth Buchko, the General Manager of CJOB was named as CEO of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. It was clearly a big day for the station�they were buzzingly excited for the opportunity Mr. Buchko has been given, and the clear affirmation of the man he is�mixed with reluctance to see him go because of how he has been a great boss to them.

We were sitting with the guys during the live news conference at Blue Bomber headquarters as the formal announcement was made�kinda cool to witness this important piece of CJOB up close and personal.

There is a short clip of �5 Top Tips� that Rod and I gave at the end of our hour which was posted�have a listen! And if you desire to look further into how you more effectively harness your anger, consider enrolling in our Transforming Destructive into Constructive: Anger Management Course�the group course is offered over two Tuesday evenings, once a month. We�d love to have you join us!

The group course is fun and informative, but if there are reasons you'd prefer the TDC course one-on-one, covering the same material with a therapist, Nadia Sawaya or Roshonna Plett can have some great conversations with you! Send us an email if you have questions...we'd love to continue the conversation about anger with you!