A Thoughtful Look at Life

A Thought

May 15th, 2012

There are two main strategies we can adopt to improve the quality of life. The first is to try making external conditions match our goals. The second is to change how we experience external conditions to make them fit our goals better.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Ordinary Courage

May 13th, 2012

I signed me up for a class: Brene Brown and Jen Lemen�s Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame, and Worthiness. Pray for me, please. :)

It�s a six week class�and my own teaching is still two classes shy of finishing at the university�but it�s been a while since I sunk my teeth into something consistent and regular for my own personal growth...so I'm just gonna take the leap. And I�ve long ago learned that when I personally am in a good space, I can do better work with clients as well.

The course is billed as:

Learn about the power of owning our story and the path that unfolds when we decide to cultivate shame-resilience instead of allowing shame to send us into hiding, numbing, perfectionism, or lashing out.

Experiment with opening up to self-compassion as we share in hands-on weekly activities designed to help us make that long journey from "What will people think" to "I am enough."

I like the idea of �owning my story��I�ve thought a lot about story. There�s an approach to therapy called �narrative therapy� which very much embraces �story� as a way to enrich one�s life. I�ve been through some tough stuff over the years�who hasn�t?...and so the idea of taking some time to reflect, and journal thoughts and move forward with a group of people who are doing the same appeals to me.

Brene Brown has

a nice mix of scientific research to back up her claims�evidenced based work is important to me, with
good real-world application
presented by a person who lives her stuff�she�s real and authentic.

�I have a firm belief that people are created and flourish best when they are in close, intimate, real connection with others�parents and children, husband and wife, best friends in childhood, a book club, a care group, an accountability group, a neighborhood coffee clatch�you get the idea.

Study after study shows people do better when they are closely connected with others in a way that has them feel loved; where they can be real about who they are, and that�s OK and accepted; where they can mean something to others by the giving and taking that happens in real relationships.

And yet, the very relationships that we seek, we are also hesitant to jump into�barriers interfere with those connections. I�m human�I�m no different. Shame is a critical barrier, and this course addresses that. I�m looking forward to this...at least I think I am. Ask me again in a few weeks, and we'll see. Like I said, pray for me...there's some trepidation in this not quite knowing what I'm in for.

They even set it up to reduce the potential shame of not being able to keep up. I have a full schedule that gets overfull at times, and my hesitation at taking the course was that I might miss�and then I�d feel like I�d failed. But they said that people could keep up, or go at their own pace. That sounds like my kind of class.

Brene Brown�s stuff makes a lot of sense�and she�s fun and engaging�check out her TED talks.

I could use your support during this, gracious readers.� thanx.

Harder is Easier to Notice

May 10th, 2012

I�m cross training for my part in the Manitoba Marathon relay�I�m taking my bike to work these days. Ok�I drove my bicycle yesterday and today�I realize that hardly makes it a habit�but a person has gotta start somewhere, right?

On the way this morning, it was a tough slog to work. Although it was a beautiful and sunny day, there was quite a breeze�and so even in a low gear down Pembina Highway, I was givin�er hard, and was feeling it when I got to work. Going against wind was tough.

I prayed the wind would stay the same�knowing that if I was going against it on the way there, it would be pushing me home. I went out at lunchtime to mail a letter, and was quietly delighted that the wind was still coming from the same direction.

So, at the end of the day, I get on my bike�and notice how the people at the bus stop are facing away from the wind, and how their hair is clearly being blown in the direction I will be heading. And the flags�well, the flags are being whipped briskly by the wind.

After all the work of cycling against the wind, I was thoroughly looking forward to being blown down Pembina Highway.

I found out it doesn�t work that way.

In fact, I could have sworn There. Was. No. Wind.

I kept checking the hair of passersby on the street to ensure that their hair was flying�because when I was going in the direction of the wind, I couldn�t feel it.

I tried to feel it�and I noticed I could surely feel that each pedal wasn�t a struggle as it had been in the morning against wind. But I couldn�t feel the �push� that I was hoping. It was nice not to have to feel resistance�but to tell you the truth, if I hadn�t had the against-wind-battle in the morning, I�m not sure I would have even noticed that. The recent hard pedalling in the morning was recent enough that I could notice the absence of it, and while it was nice to notice that I wasn't pushing as hard as I had to this morning...the contrast was only from tough to "not-tough"...not from tough to flying-with-the-wind-with-no-effort easy.�

And so�I sit here in Starbucks enjoying the half-price-Frappucino-happy-hour half way home from work on this beautiful warm spring day, (does it get any better?) and reflect on how often that feels like a metaphor for life.
�
The hard times feel so hard, and the easy times�well we enjoy them, they are pleasant and all, but it seems like pleasure in the equal and opposite direction of trial just doesn�t seem to pack the same punch.

Our brains do a whiz-bang job of remember tragedy and danger and hardship�part of the body�s desire to avoid further tragedy and danger and hardship is remembering that which hurts. But resiliency from those tragedies, dangers and hardships happens with the joys and delights and moments of beauty in our lives�but if those don�t register on our radar�we fail to have them enrich our lives. And I think it�s a little like having the wind at our back�it truly is there, making the pedaling easier, but it may not seem as obvious as when we�re going hard against wind. Pity.

So�I�m thinking that�s one of the reasons why deliberate gratitude in the form of journals, blogs, cards of appreciation etc. are proven in research to be so effective in having a positive effect on people�s mood. It�s like noticing the flag is waving, or hair is blowing�it�s seeing the ways in which the winds of life are blowing in your direction�because without conscious effort to notice those breezes that push us along in life with their goodness, we just might miss how much they really are giving us a boost.

Take a look around today, and notice how good it is to have an excuse to be outside to mail the letter at lunch, or how good it was to laugh with your co-worker today, or how helpful Kevin on the Apple helpline was to get the wi-fi back up and running on the office iPad, and then how I knew how to fix the other iPad all by myself because he transferred his genius over to me, or how great it was to have that conversation with Melanie to figure out the dilemma with a project�oh wait�I will notice that stuff because that was my day�you spend some time looking around at your day, noticing the ways the wind was at your back.

Blessings on your day.

Focus on the Intent, not the Content

May 9th, 2012

D�ya notice how often people don�t say what they mean, because they know what they have to actually say to get what they actually want?

This weekend, I was sitting in the bleachers of a gym�and the woman beside me dropped a bottle of Gatorade underneath the bleacher�and it rolled several feet several feet sideways to the side to rest just underneath the second row.

It was too far away for me to get, and no one else had seen her drop it. The gym was chaotic�it was just in between games at a tournament, and so some people were coming, others were going, others were chatting in small groups, and balls were zinging back and forth. It was loud and fun and a little crazy�and there was no way that this woman�s efforts to attract the attention of someone close to the bottle to reach down and grab it would be successful. She tried��Excuse me��, �ummm�I dropped a bottle�� Nothing�nobody heard her.

Then, she changed tactics: �Mouse!!� she called.

And all of a sudden, she had the full attention of multiple people who stopped mid-motion or mid-conversation, stood up, bent over and immediately scoured the floor for said creature.

And as they were looking, she asked one of them to reach for the bottle of Gatorade�which was now easily found by one of several people who were eagerly examining the floor�as it was quickly discovered there was no mouse.

It was hilariously successful.

I complimented her on her strategy, and we giggled at its success--noting that it reminded me of hearing a bit of wisdom that said if ever one was grabbed/assaulted/robbed in a public place, rather than yelling �Help!�, much more help would be received by yelling, �Fire!� Yelling

�Fire� might not be factually accurate, but would be more strategically effective in having your objective of receiving attention and assistance. People tend to respond to calls of fire much more immediately than cries for help.

One of my junior tribe members used to come home from the school bus, barge in the back door, fling down his knapsack, and in a loud and complaining way (and I would say melodramatic manner, though he would differ) declare, �I�M STARVING!!�

He would do this on a regular basis.

On bad days, when I was feeling discouraged, run down by the repetitive nature of maintaining a household, overwhelmed by the minutiae of tasks that needed to be accomplished, and feeling like a lousy mom who was frustrated, I would be tempted to respond with something like, �I prepared you breakfast, watched you eat it. I packed you a lunch and then also a snack for recess�don�t you dare accuse me of starving you.� And in my head, I�d go on with things like, �I am not a bad mother. It�s not my fault if you choose not to eat because you�d rather go play. Why do I have to pay for a grumpy kid if he chooses not to eat? I am NOT a bad mother!!�

Yup, I got defensive�not saying it makes sense�c�mon�like you�ve never done something similar? I was feeling vulnerable, and wanted to fight the content of what he was saying.

On good days, when I had a bit of time to take a break before the after school whirlwind began, and I was feeling more centered, I would hear his, �I�m starving� comment and respond with, �Sounds like I better cut up an apple for you right away!�

Can you guess which comment of mine garnered a better response? Three guesses�but the first two don�t count.

In all of these examples, words are used that most effectively accomplish the goal. Often being factually accurate doesn�t gather the sort of attention or express the level of distress that is desired.

The listener has the choice of addressing the underlying emotional truth, or getting sidelines about the factual evidence�which is an unhelpful rabbit trail.

It helps to recognize that when something said that doesn�t feel accurate, and then to take a step back to empathize where the comment is coming from. The speaker is working to make a point that is important..can you hear the underlying important message, and look past the �facts�?

For example, when a person says, �You always�� or �You never��, those are often sure points at which the argument gets sidetracked to point out exceptions.

And that misses the point that the person who is saying that line, �You always�� feels in that moment that the only way to express the level of distress the current behavior causes is to overstate it to be heard�with the irony being that when the exception is pointed out, it specifically states that the distress is being minimized and challenged�and the person feels more unheard than ever.

So�yup, we�ve all heard that part of good communication is to avoid words like �always� or �never��but couldn�t part of good communication be that when those words are used,

to hear past them to the reason why the speaker felt they were in a position that it was necessary to use them?
That the listener can ask further about what where the need to say it that strongly comes from?
That the listener looks past content to meaning?

In our Western world, we get all hung up on the facts�what would happen in your relationship if you would get hung up on the powerful underlying message that the other is trying to communicate to you?

Embracing the Stitch

May 6th, 2012

Sometimes I forget that discomfort is not only to be tolerated, but can be embraced�

I run. Not fast, not as regularly as I�d like, but I�ve been running for about 11 years. Gets me out in the sun, enjoying the beautiful outdoors, is healthy for my body, and good for my soul. But I�m really not fast. So not fast.

Roshonna inspired and challenged us, and we have entered a team from Bergen and Associates Counselling in the Manitoba Marathon Relay. Michael, Kevin, Sabrina, Roshonna and myself have committed to getting ourselves ready to run together. I�m, well�ahem�the senior member of the team, rather substantially�and so while we have all assured each other that speed isn�t important, and the important part is to participate together�I just wanna feel good about my participation.

So�I decided I would pick up the pace a little on my runs. A friend of mine recommended RunKeeper, an app for my iPhone that tracks how far and how fast I�m running�a great little app that pitches me my pace every 5 minutes and at every kilometer.

Game on!!

�I may not be fast, but I am competitive�and I like to beat the clock�seeing if I can do the same run with shaving off a few seconds from my minutes/kilometer time.

I pushed myself yesterday like I haven�t in some time on a run�and lived to tell the tale. But it hurt some�the challenge had me sucking air, and this morning, I could feel it in my legs some.

Reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me�his son is a competitive runner�runs like the wind, that boy. A while back, he had a knee injury which required a brace, and a coupla months of rest. When he got back to running full speed, his dad asked him what it felt like to really be able to give�er. He responded that it felt great to be back running�but that he had had a �stitch� in his side that he hadn�t felt in a long while. His dad consoled him and said, �After you get back into training condition, that stitch will fade.� He turned to his dad and rolled his eyes (cuz dads can so often be completely clueless about matters that just seem so very obvious to their adolescent boys) and patiently explained,

�Running with a stitch means you�re running hard. If you don�t have a stitch in your side when you�re running, it means you�re not running hard enough.�

That line stuck with me. In this day of heated car seats (don�t have�em, but I covet), remote control, extra padding in socks, shoes, non stick pans, dishwashers, automatic garage door openers, I could go on�so much is done to make our lives easier. So many things to increase our comfort, decrease or eliminate work, stress, distress. We get a little spoiled�and I wonder if we can start to think that life owes us an easy life.

Life is hard�it�s stressful. For some�it�s more stressful than for others�either because there are more stressful circumstances, or because it just hits in a different way for a different person.

I�m thinking that the challenge for us, in North America in 2012, in this age where advertising convinces us we deserve happiness and total comfort, is to build capacity in ourselves and our children to tolerate the stitch. We need to challenge ourselves to recognize that feeling discomfort doesn�t mean we are doing something we should quit�discomfort isn�t bad.

�

I�m thinking we need to work at developing tolerance for discomfort�because it is in that zone that we dare to grow, that we can continue to live vitally during difficult circumstances. Maybe this means:

hanging in there and choosing the �real discussion� with your partner, rather than shrugging off something that hasn�t felt right in a while in a jokey way. Really dealing with it to improve the foundation of your relationship.�
recognizing, that if you're honest with yourself, you're not staying home from that work party because of a busy schedule you tell yourself you have, but because you don't know most of the people all that well...and then figuring out how to support yourself at an event you'll find nervewracking
choosing to do a poster presentation for the national conference even though you have never done it before, and no one would notice if you didn�t submit but this could really be a growing edge because of what could be learned from the experience (can you tell where my current stitch is right now?)
letting yourself feel the frightening pain of a loss�getting support if necessary, rather than putting a wall between you and your grief.

�It�s about recognizing that the stitch is a part of life� not comfortable, and maybe not desired, but it exists. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable to feel the pain, and not be frightened of it, not feel that it�s wrong to have it. To feel discomfort in life is not a sign of weakness or failure�it is a sign of your humanity.

To avoid the pain and discomfort of life often means not really living at all�not in a vital way that bring. It means pulling back from the cusp of really cool accomplishments, from developing richer and more meaningful relationships, to living a safe but likely more boring life as you erect walls from yourself and potentially painful tasks.

Think about finding ways to tolerate the inevitable stitch of a life lived to the fullest.

A Thought

April 30th, 2012

When people say "Let it go," what they really mean is "Get over it," and that's not a helpful thing to say. It's not a matter of letting go�you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be"; this recognizes that the mind won't let go and the problem may not go away, and it allows you to form a healthier relationship with what's bothering you.

Jon Kabat Zinn

Thanx, Melanie!

April 27th, 2012

Just so you know, just for today, if you call around lunchtime, you won�t get an answer. Call back in the early afternoon.

At lunchtime, Melanie, office manager and client care manager, will be down the street�I�m taking her out for lunch.

It was Administrative Professional�s Day on Wednesday. We didn�t celebrate on Wednesday�cuz it was Del�s first day solo on the job. Which means Melanie wasn�t around on Wednesday. She works .8 for us, and takes Wednesday�s off�or is supposed to�but when we were short starting in February, and it took us a coupla months to hire Del�well, without much discussion she just worked 5 days/week. It was her first Wednesday off in almost 3 months.

I asked her to make sure she didn�t work too hard, and to make sure that she didn't let us take advantage of her�but Melanie is one of these workers with an old fashioned work ethic. If there is something to be done, she does it, so she can go home knowing she did a good job.
When the Wednesday gap opened up, she filled it temporarily until we could fill it properly. I didn't ask her to, she just started doing it.

It�s a treat when the people a person works with are also friends. We laugh every day and we have calm discussions about issues and collaborate on solutions that feel "right". Sometimes she�ll tell me a story about a friend, or something she did, or a conversation she had�and her wisdom and understanding and caring show through�and I�m inspired to be a better person from her example.

So�hope you feel celebrated today, Melanie. We will use opportunities like Administrative Professional�s Day to let you know�but really hope that you feel the love every day. Thanx for making the entire orgaization work so effectively!

Getting a System to Work Well

April 26th, 2012

What if there was a technique to reduce surgical complications by 35% and fatality rates in surgery by 47%...across the board�all surgeries, all over the world, no matter what kind of hospital in whatever country?

And what if I told you that this technique has been tried and tested in multiple sorts of surgical centers�and it works in a hospital in rural Tanzania just as well as an urban hospital in Seattle? It works.

And what if I told you that this technique is low tech and only costs as much as a piece of paper? It exists, and its real and it�s readily available.

And what if I told you that this technique exists, tried and tested, and its success is undeniable�and it�s not spreading�it�s not being adopted. Surgical centers around the world are choosing not to use a simple technique that would reduce surgical complications by 35% and reduce fatalities by 47%...what would you say if I told you that?

Dr. Awul Gawande spoke recently at TED, outlining how health care researchers went to high risk industries like the aviation business and skyscraper construction and asked them what they did to manage risk.

Technology and training are important�but what is vital�what makes the real difference in those high risk fields are checklists. Checklists that review key components at moments called �pause points�, allowing the team to be �on the same page� and have key components familiar and available to the team to allow the team to function effectively and efficiently, even if an unexpected crisis should come up.

So, noting how check lists have made high risk industries safer, technicians from high risk industry came in to examine surgical procedures and after considerable research, developed checklists to be reviewed�one when the patient enters the room, one just before surgical incision, and one just before the patient leaves the operating room.

Checklists were tools to help make experts better. They made a recipe to prepare a team that is prepared for the unexpected�like making sure everyone in the room had introduced themselves at the start of the day.

Simple, huh? That was one component of the first checklist: The entire surgical team introducing themselves to each other. Basic�almost too easy. But, makes sense that it would help in a crisis if everyone knew who was who if things get dicey later on.

The surgical procedure checklist, as successful as it is, has been slow to catch on.

The thought it�s been slow to be adopted widespread because it forces the team to acknowledge that up to now they haven�t been working as a system. It forces the team to acknowledge that each member of the team needs to work as part of a system�that all are key components of �being on the same page�.

It forces the team to operate values of humility, teamwork, and discipline. It forces individuals to be vulnerable with each other, it would require the physician to regularly and frequently acknowledge that this is a team effort, and that the greatest success occurs when all pull together to contribute.

That goes contrary to the values of medicine which up to now have been independence, self-sufficiency and autonomy�values which helped mavericks forge new frontiers that created startling innovations in medicine. We might not have penicillin, small pox vaccine and organ transplants without some maverick cowboys going out on a limb against the wisdom of all their colleagues.

But independence, self sufficiency and autonomy don�t work well when a system needs to work together for the good of one patient.

�Having great components is not enough. And yet we�ve been obsessed in medicine with great components. We want the best drugs, the best technologies, the best specialists, but we don�t think too much about how it all comes together. It�s a terrible design strategy actually. There�s a famous thought experiment, and it touches exactly on this. That is, what if you built a car from the very best car parts? Well, it would lead you to put in Porsche brakes, a Ferrari engine a Volvo body, a BMW chassis. And you put it all together, and what do you get? A very expensive pile of junk that doesn�t go anywhere.�

Dr. Awul Gawande

Bottom line�having the effective, quality, even top-of-the-line core components is not enough for a good result. Team work is required.

Reminds me of my work with couples�I work with great individuals who are incredible people. They do fabulous work in the community, with their peers, in their careers, with their children. But their ability to operate effectively as a system of two when processing in-laws, chores, the budget or _____________ (fill in the blank here) can be poor.

So�it has me wonder what it would be like if the discussion was headed into �disagreement territory� if it wouldn�t be possible to have a pause moment and run through a checklist�something like:

Are we each assured of the other�s underlying love and commitment as we head into this discussion?
Will we each work to remember to keep the discussion on the decided topic and not slip into character slander, low blows, or dredging up old issues in a mudslinging sort of way
Do we both have sufficient energy right now to be able to be vulnerable ourselves and extend grace to the other?

Do you have ideas of other basic items that would be good for a couple�s checklist to be reviewed prior to a loaded conversation? Let me hear them. Leave them as a comment, or let us know via our contact page on this website. We at Bergen and Associates Counselling would love to hear your ideas!

Change and Time Available

April 22nd, 2012

The level of work has to fit how much time you�ve got�so you need to be aware of how that affects the counselling process.

Imagine your child is getting married in six months� time�and you are having the rehearsal dinner at your house. It is exciting and you are thrilled and you want the dinner to go perfectly. And you look around and realize that this house is not where you�d like it to be to have people over for such a significant occasion. This is a great reason to get at all those home repairs and updates that you�ve been meaning to get to�and somehow just never happen.

So�you choose to patch the hole in the drywall by the back door, fix the leaky taps, paint the dining room�and once the dining room has been painted, you realize how scuffed the floors look�and so you decide to refinish the hardwoods. You have time to organize and sort..it�s a good excuse to declutter and file away all those bits of paper that have collected in a few corners of the house. It�s a ton of work, but it�s nice to have a goal to finish it by, and it needed doing anyways�

��and the time of the wedding comes�and the rehearsal dinner goes great in your freshly spruced up house!

Now�imagine your child is getting married in one month�s time after a whirlwind romance. The rehearsal dinner is at your place�and it is exciting and you are thrilled and you want the dinner to go perfectly. And you look around and realize that this house is not where you�d like it to be to have people over for such a significant occasion.

So�you choose to patch the hole in the drywall by the back door, fix the leaky tap, and wish you could paint the dining room but there isn�t enough time with the rest of the event to plan�.though you do a little spot painting where the pain is chipped�and the floors? Well�the floors are a little scuffed, but they�ll have to do, because it�s just not an option. The papers and clutter? Well�the job got a good start�and the last of the odds and ends got tossed in a box and put on the top shelf.

�and the time of the dinner comes�and the rehearsal dinner goes great�you enjoy it�but it wasn�t in the house in the way you�d want it. And�the motivation to get things done sorta fades, the paint job and the scuffed floors stay �as is� for years.

Now�imagine your child got married on her trip last week�huge surprise�and she�s coming home the day after tomorrow and you want to throw an impromptu reception when the evening they arrive home. The reception is at your place�and it is exciting and you are thrilled and you want the dinner to go perfectly. And you look around and realize that this house is not where you�d like it to be to have people over for such a significant occasion.

So�you hang a picture over the hole in the drywall by the back door, and hurriedly put away the piles of paper and clutter into several boxes�pile them on the bedroom floor and shut the door. You turn the tap a little extra tight so that it hardly leaks. You buy a really nice bouquet of flowers for the center of the table�hoping that all eyes will be drawn to that beauty and away from the dingy walls and scuffed floors.

The dinner happens�and the dinner goes great. The others say nothing and the focus is on the couple�but it was clearly a job that happened in a rush, and it did not get done the way you would have liked�and the boxes of papers and knick knacks sits on the floor of the bedroom for months�doesn�t feel great, but there�s not a lot of motivation to do much about it.

So�metaphors are imperfect�but I hopefully will still be able to make a point.

My point�when you run short of time before the wedding, you work to make changes that fit the time you�ve got to make them in. When you have more time, you can do a better and more thorough job�whether it�s getting ready for a special dinner or sprucing up your communication and conflict skills.

My point�premarital counselling works. It reduces the likelihood of dissolution of the marriage by 30%. That�s for real. But you need enough time to allow for some major renos, in case they are needed.

Research suggests that the optimal window of premarital counselling is to finish more than 5 months before the wedding.

Why?

If, in the course of working on the relationship in premarital counselling, you realize that there are a few walls that need to be moved, or some rough edges sanded down, that you feel there is time and space to do so. Once the wedding invitations are sent out, and the deposits are put down�it is more likely that issues will be boxed up and put into the closet than dealing with them and really working through what needs to be done. If the wedding is in a few weeks, there will likely be some hesitation to dig deep into a relevant issue and do the work of a thorough reno on it.� Can't blame anyone for that...that's probably an adaptive strategy...but in the long run, will have a cost.

I realize that there still needs to be work to get people in the door for premarital counselling�better to go at any point, even the last minute, than not at all.

But think about it�.if you�re planning on getting married�give your relationship the best chance of a lifelong success�give your (future) kids the gift of parents that live and work to parent them together, showing them what a healthy relationship looks like. Find a reputable counselor and process your relationship�do it well in advance of the wedding to give yourself the space to make a great relationship even better!

Please.

Please.

A Thought

April 19th, 2012

�When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.�

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea