Topic: Encouragement

Today is International Women's Day, day when women are aknowledged and celebrated.  A day when the challenges faced by women in various parts of the world are highlighted.  A day to raise awareness of the courage of women, the inspiration of women, and to remember the unique qualities of women that make our world a better one.  There is growing evidence that the most effective way to make inroads into poverty, disease, sexual exploitation and violence in troubled areas of the world is to invest in educating and empowering women.  As women are able to provide for their families, they are able to establish secure bases for their sons and daughters, preparing the next generation to also grow up to raise their own families in peaceful, self-sufficient ways.

It's having me think about ways Bergen and Associates can contribute to make the lives of families better.  While I'm thrilled with the difference we make in the lives of our clients, and I know we are helping make strong families in Winnipeg, one family at a time, it seems to me that we are all called to do something more.  To join in something bigger than ourselves, to give a hand up to someone who is otherwise beyond our reach, to do our part in bringing justice to the world.  I've done some research and I think it's about time to start makeing some decisions, so that it moves past the "thinking stage" and into an "action phase".

I love this video for it's thought provoking, challenging message that is intended for men and women to contemplate.  Eve Ensler has earned the right to talk about what she talks about...she has spoken to women in all parts of the world, she has heard their stories, has sat with them, has understood the challenges they face.:
I know it is a long video...many won't have time to watch the whole thing.  At 13:30 there is a really cool story of the power of reconciliation and transformation by empowering a girl. If you only have a few minutes, fast forward it to t 16:35 to listen to the poem, "I am an Emotional Creature".  Women, I think it will lift your spirits.  Men...you might understand something new and appreciate something in women that you've always been confused about!

Celebrate your "girl cell" today! (If you watch the video, this last line will make sense).

"Now in this world of ups and downs,
It's nice to know that there are jackelopes around."

Boundin Sheep

This won't make sense until you watch the following video. I know it’s over 4 minutes, but it’s cute and packs a giggling punch.

 

I love how the jackelope is kindly curious to the lamb…not judgemental, not dragged down into pity or sadness himself…just ready to listen to the response to his question. He doesn’t shy away, avoid, argue with, get pulled down by, or convince. He asks and waits for the lamb to talk.

And then is:

• Patiently understanding.
• Not ridiculing
• being helpful without taking over or solving anything
  
• Gently encouraging (OK, so maybe he doesn’t handle him the lightest, but his words are kind and gentle)
• Tenderly humorous
• Kindly confident in the sheep’s ability to move forward

It’s profound how the lamb, after the healing influence of the jackelope,  accepts the discomfort of the annual shave: the kick out of the back foot waiting to be yanked as a part of life,

• knowing he will come back to dance,
  
• knowing that the shave, though unpleasant doesn’t ultimately have to impact his ability to bound and rebound,
• knowing that somehow he will survive being “nekked and bare” because his pink buffness didn’t define him.
  

The video reminded me to be grateful of the jackelopes in my life…those that are compassionate and caring, spending time with me in the rough patches, and relate to me in ways that gently and supportively challenge me to move forward and find ways to bound and rebound.

That jackelope is deceptively wise. Inspires me to be a jackelope to those in my life who might be pink, blue or heliotrope.

If you need a jackelope, show them this video.  If you have no one to show the video to, then go to your boss, your Employee Assistance Plan, book an appointment with a counsellor in your area, talk to your teacher.  Keep looking for someone who you can safely share your sadness, your shame, your guilt...don't give up, because there are jackelopes out there. Keep looking until you find someone who can gently show you the way to "bound, bound, bound, and rebound".

Who needs a jackelope in your life?  Can you be one to them today?

We spend so much time complaining about our jobs, that we often forget to contemplate how good they are for us.

I was looking forward to the break in routine of work over the holidays just as much as anybody. I was looking forward to relaxing mornings when the alarm clock didn’t go off, and I could drink my tea with a good book in hand.

However, I did work a few days between Christmas and News Year Day and on my way to work I heard an interview that was billed as one of CBC’s favorite interviews of the year. It started off fairly benignly, as this April 2^nd interview had Marcy Markusa interviewing Kirk, as he and his co-worker were using pressurized hot water to blast out frozen culverts. It was your average spring flood interview with normal people being willing to do extraordinary things to do what it takes to save homes, when the interview took a ninety degree turn:

Kirk: We don’t want anybody’s basements to flood, we’re doing what we can.

Marcy: It’s just terrible for you guys to be out here in this weather.

Kirk : We don’t mind it. We enjoy working in it. It doesn’t bother us at all. And to help out the RM’s and to help out if there is a state of emergency, we’re more than happy to help out.

Marcy (with gentle smugness): That’s what you’re saying but you’re not the guy in the ditch. Are you sometimes?

Kirk: Yeah. And believe it or not, he just won 1.999 million dollars and he came back to work in one week for Unijet –that’s because he loves our company so much.

Marcy (in humourous disbelief): ThIs is a lie, that has to be a lie! (turning to Gennadi, the guy working in the ditch)….You won the lottery for real?
Gennadi: Last week, on Wednesday….

Marcy: How much did you win? Excuse me?

Gennadi: Almost two million dollars.

Marcy: Awww….Really? So you’re telling (slowly, in disbelief) me that you won nearly two million dollars, and you’re standing in a ditch full of water and ice on a snowy day out in rural Manitoba. Why?

Gennadi (in a patient, tolerant, deadpan voice): I’m working.

(Kirk, busting a gut in the background, unable to contain the hilarity of the situation, as Marcy is working hard to wrap her head around this situation)

Marcy: Is it because you don’t know what to do with the money yet, or???

Gennadi: Not really, not really, I just want to work. It’s not in my…I don’t like stay at home

Marcy: You want to stay busy. And you want to stay busy at this? (incredulous) Cuz this is a grueling job!

Gennadi: It’s good company, it’s good guys working. I enjoy this kind of work.

Marcy (turning to Kirk, the boss): What is it about this man that keeps him working in a ditch of water. As a co-worker, were you surprised he didn’t just say, “See you later, I won nearly 2 million dollars?”

Kirk: I phoned him at exactly the same time when I found out  he won and he said, “Captain, I be back in one week and come work for you guys again, cuz I like you guys”

Marcy: And that was it?

Kirk: That was it

Marcy: And his response…did it surprise you?

Kirk: Not really, cuz I don’t understand what else he’ll do. He really likes working here.

That is one of my favorite interviews too. It reminded me of the value of working. 

• Of showing up regularly every day. 
• Of showing up at a certain time because people are counting on you. 
  
• Of leaving the worksite knowing that something was accomplished during the day. 
• Of having your life ordered predictably around something that matters. 
• Of the satisfaction of being able to feed your family because as a result of your labor. 
• Of being able to feel like some days, you made a difference in the world and that it is left a better place. 
• Of being able to hang out with people that we can banter with, be challenged by, and collaborate with. 
• Of getting up in the morning with a purpose.

Sure, not every day is like a Hallmark greeting card. There are days, or even seasons in life where the job sucks, the co-workers are nasty, and the boss is out to get us. Yup. There’s all that. And more.

It’s important to find work you love, and that fits. It’s important to work to create a work culture that fosters a good spirit, or find ways of getting yourself into an environment like that.

But mostly, it’s important to work. Thanx, Gennadi, for reminding me, for reminding all of us, of that.

PS. Thanx to Marcy too, for arranging to have this interview posted, so I could hear it again!!

Went to a fabulous concert this evening…performed by the children of the Mulli Children’s Family from Kenya. Un-buh-leev-able! Strong and tight harmonies, very well spoken and confident kids…they had SO much life in their eyes.
Mulli Children’s Family is a place where over 2000 children live, learn and are loved. Charles Mulli, a man himself abandoned as a 6 year old knows what it is like to be homeless and hungry. After years on the street, he slowly worked his way up, eventually becoming an enormously successful businessman. He, his wife, and their children are now spending their lives helping kids in a country ravaged by drought, poverty, and HIV/AIDS.
Cool things about MCF:

• They were on being increasingly self sustaining. They provide employment to 600 people in the area harvesting green beans for use for themselves and for export. This has become a challenge during the 3 year drought…the river bed is literally totally dry. They now not only figure out how to feed the 2000 kids in their family, but also now feed thousands of people in the area daily. They help out those around them...even when they have more than 2000 of their own mouths to feed.  WOW.
  
• They’ve got a bunch of their kids in university. The fellow who gave his story tonight has his sights on being a professor of medicine…nobody’s laughing cuz it’s not a fantasy, it’s a plan. These kids are raised to be happy and grateful...mindful that they will have the opportunity to "pay it forward" by becoming educated and making a difference in their country.
  
• The plan of MCF is FEEL: Feed, Educate, Empower, and Love. These kids are loved and they know it.

One of the cool stories I’ve heard? When they first bring a child to MCF, they recognize that being on the streets, being vulnerable to violence and wondering where the next meal will come from creates a sense of anxiety and fear that doesn’t go away. When the child first comes, rather than put the child in school right away, they let the child work in the kitchen. This is in recognition that the child will be too anxious to learn…by working in the kitchen, the child will have a chance to see the food be present, will have (and be allowed) to take the opportunity to snack a little as they help prepare the food—this grazing will allow the child to relax and after 2 or 3 months, is then calm enough to be able to attend class and learn

The children are encouraged by the counsellor to tell their stories—many of them have histories rife with violence, sexual abuse, physical abuse, parental death, poverty and hunger. They are told that when they tell their stories, their heart will be better able to be healed…and that telling their stories to each other will encourage other children to tell their stories, and then they will experience healing. A spokeswoman for the orphanage says: "It might be painful for you to hear his story tonight.  You might wonder if it is good for him to share.  He shares because it is healing for him.  He shares to show you his courage to tell his story.  He shares so that you might be encouraged to find your own courage to talk about what hurts you so that you can do healing work too."  Cool.

They not only are victors of their circumstance, they are fun too.  A small taste of what we saw yesterday:


It was standing room only as we watched the children dance, do acrobatics and sing…reminding us of the importance of connection we have with each other as citizens of the world, calling us to be aware of what is going on in other parts of the world, calling us to work for healing in our own lives, and giving us a great time. 

Thanx, MCF children, for teaching and inspiring me about life, love, courage with the beauty of your performance today.

 

I planted hope yesterday.

It’s fall…leaves are dying, the late blooms on the plant are looking dead and wilted, the windshields are frosty in the morning.  A colleague commented that this was her favorite time of year.  For me, it signals the long dark cold winter ahead…and the leaves crunching underfoot are a constant reminder that things are gonna get rough soon:

-cars that threaten not to start
-warming up vehicles, scraping windshields
-bundling up in multiple layers, hunching shoulders to brace from the cold.
-higher heating bills
-dark mornings, and early evenings.
…you get the picture

Yesterday though, after we pulls the annuals out, and trimmed the perennials down, tucking them into their beds for the winter, I planted hope.  I was tired and wanted to be done.  I don’t much know what I’m doing in the garden, and I was ready to be outta there—the garden isn’t a place where I’m particularly comfortable because my knowledge base is close to zero. No one likes to be in a place where their feelings of incompetence rise up full force.

I wanted to be done, but I stuck it out…and I planted hope.  I can follow directions, and so I dug down to the required depth, and planted tulips. Beautiful, purple tulips.  At least that what the picture on the bag says they will be one day.  Yesterday, they looked like slighted pointed lumps.  Hardly impressive.  I’m stuck those bulbs in the ground, in faith, that they will survive the winter, and grow into beautiful plants come spring.


It’s hard to believe…planting something that looks so lifeless in the fall, before the long hard winter, will lead to growth in the spring.  Seems almost cruel to put them out just when it’s gonna get really really cold. I have seen tulips come up other springs…and make it through the hard frosts and persist to bloom.  You’re supposed to plant tulip bulbs in fall…it’s how they grow.


I like tulips.  They are a courageous flower…they have “chutzpah”…that against all odds, they show up earlier than one might think possible, to satisfy our color starved eyes with bright bold flashes of color.  They prevail, even sometimes poking through snow.  They show up after adversity.

I like the idea that this winter, during the cold dark days, that those bulbs will only be a few feet outside my window.  They are waiting for their time to bloom, and they will make it.  They will survive the winter and show off their victory of having “made it” by splashing my garden with vivid purple.  I can hardly wait.  As I was planting them, I kept thinking about how knowing those bulbs were out there waiting for spring, was going to remind me that spring is coming during those short days, and long dark nights.

By now maybe you’ve figured out why this therapist likes tulips, right?  How I value the hope that tulips signify, how the tulips remind me of the work our clients do, how they hang in during the really tough stuff, believing that spring is coming.

Spring always comes after winter. Beauty somehow emerges after the dark bleakness.

To those who raise us up so we can stand on mountains:
    The mom who wears the handmade beaded jewelry from Mother’s Day all year long
    The teacher who tells the kid in the back of the room who has long ago learned that she "doesn't have the stuff" that he thinks the kid should try out for the lead in the school play
    The newly engaged woman who blogs this about her fiancée: Love is:  “someone hugging you and you can tell that how hard they're holding you is as much as they want you to feel that they love you, or that they're sad you're sad, or that they're happy you're happy. and it's knowing that when you hug them you're trying to convey the same message.”

To those who raise us up so we can walk on stormy seas:
    To the young couple who slips a newly single mom a large cheque as a ridiculous act of generosity…giving her hope of someone who cares, and ensuring there will be groceries purchased and bills paid for that first awful and terrifying month alone.
    To the therapist who was the first reliable man in a client’s life--who listened to her without any other purpose that wanting to hear what she had to say.  That changed her forever—she’s better able to face life’s challenges.
    To a blogger who is willing to share her ongoing story of supporting a son with multiple health challenges—and then allows us the privilege to let us in on the tragedy when her son dies—her strength in her stormy seas gives courage to others as they face theirs
 
To those raise us up to more than we can be:
    To a man who, while not be biologically related to a child (who has a workaholic father), but at an emotional level becomes a dad to him because there is something that the man sees in the kid that is irresistable--and the boy can feel it and relaxes into the love of the relationship
    To the boss who says, “I’m not going to sign the deal.  You’re gonna handle this one on your own.  I believe in you.”
    To the coach who finds ways of squeezing one more kid onto the team, knowing how much it will mean, and finds ways to play her—including taking the shot to win the game.

To those who challenge us, inspire us, believe in us, love us—Thank you for raising us up.
We are more than we were, more than we might have thought we could be...because of you.

Adversity, setbacks, and even trauma may actually be necessary for people to be successful and fulfilled.

I had a rare quiet lunch at home today and enjoyed some leisurely reading…and I found myself drawn to finish an article in Psychology Today that I had started months ago but hadn’t finished.

A couple of excerpts:

• We do know that learning is error-driven—probably as a result of the brain trying to be efficient.  Failures grab our attention.  So many things happen the way we expect them to that mistakes register disproportionately.  We’re forced to integrate that new information.  Researchers have found that the more wildly wrong our prediction was, the quicker we learn.
• We should hope, then, for exposure to failure, early and often….Such a pattern [of failure] seems to promote the trait sometimes called equanimity.  We learn that trauma is survivable, so we don’t plunge too deeply following setbacks. [bold marking mine]
  
• Chess is a game of failure….At the beginning you lose—a lot.  The kids who are going to succeed are the ones who learn to stand it.  A lot of young players find losing so devastating they never adapt, never learn to metabolize that failure and to not take it personally.  But good players lose and then put the game behind them emotionally.
• Bubble-wrapping kids to shield them from failing does them no favors.  Without that trial-and-error learning from gradual exposure to risk, kids become vulnerable to anxiety disorders…But at the other extreme, exposure to repeated and relentless failure can crush the spirit of even a resilient kid.  A parent’s job, then, is to create a kind of sweet spot of exposure to failure..
• It’s interesting how many people are coming up to me and talking about their relationship with failure,” he [author Philip Schultz of Failure], “Everyone thinks they’re a failure.  The only people who don’t are the ones who really are.”

LOVE. THIS. IDEA. of recognizing the value of mistakes.


I love how this gives permission  mandates errors and mistakes as important ways of learning about the world, oneself, and becoming a stronger more resilient person.  I honor our clients who come to us after a colossal mistake to process what happened, and learn from it—to make it a growing experience which, years from now, will be seen as the starting point of something important.

Falling on one’s face is difficult, but essential.  Embrace it?! Let your kids discover failure?

Yup, embrace it!

I forgot how much beauty restores the soul.

I've just returned from spending several days with friends on the West Coast.  I feel like my heart has been defibrillated by the sights, sounds and smells of beauty that is on the coast and has woken up restored and refreshed. I have energy and enthusiasm for the upcoming fall schedule, and a bounce in my step that feels fresh. I found a chorus of a Steve Bell song echoing in my head repeatedly over the course of the trip:
Please don't think I don't find the prairies beautiful with the waving oceans of crops, the incredibly sandy beaches of Lake Winnipeg, and the humid forest of Assiniboine Park.  They are some of my favorite places, but familiarity can numb one to the beauty inherent close by.

But this week, the beauty surrounding me took my breath away, not once, but many times daily.


The ocean, spanning as far as the eye can see reminding me of the vastness of the world that is beyond me, recapturing a truer perspective of my place in the world.

The sunbeams, breaking through the threatening clouds, sent sunbeams cascading down.

The green verdant environment surround me on this path smelled wonderful, and changed constantly by the dappling of the sun and the shadows.


The water falling, creating natural music surrounded by lush greenery that could make my heart swell in pleasure



The mountains--pretty in a picture, but breathtaking when spanning the horizon from one side to the other. 

As I was crossing over to the Island on the ferry, or lunching on a sundeck, or hiking through a forest, or running on the seawall around Stanley Park, I found myself saying, "Wow" over and over, in hushed, holy ways, or thrilled, exciting ways, or laughing, joyful ways.  Watching the tide go out, with tiny crabs, little fish, and miscellaneous other squirming things making the receding textured beach alive with life. The flowers, here, there, and everywhere--entire bushes of incredible blooms.  I could go on, but by now you've captured the excitement I feel, and I may even be boring you by this point--because you weren't there, and couldn't feel how wonderful it was.  Pictures don't really do justice. Beautiful sights, sounds and smells.

Wow.

And then I had the chance to visit a number of outdoor weekend markets and art shows, as local island artists showed their wares...pottery, jewellery, paintings--often reflecting the nature around it.  And I was reminded:

In the creative state a man is taken out of himself. He lets down as it were a bucket into his subconscious, and draws up something which is normally beyond his reach. He mixes this thing with his normal experiences and out of the mixture he makes a work of art.

- E. M. Forster

There is something in us that is drawn to beauty, recognizes it and it restores the soul.  It speaks to us at a level that is beyond words ("wow" seems pathetic, but so do all the other words I might use to describe it). We are refreshed by creation, and it puts us in touch with something, Someone larger than ourselves.  Expressing that creativity allows the soul to speak.

Take a chance to find beauty today in the sparkling eyes of a child, a perfectly formed dandelion head, the arrangement of the clouds in the sky. Or remember where you were last time when the scenic vista created a feeling inside larger than yourself, and make arrangements to get there. 

Allow yourself to restore your soul with beauty.  Say "WOW" in an unutterable, incredible way.

The bottom tree in this photo are growing out of the side of a cliff.  This is a close up of the bottom of those trees:

I realize I'm not an excellent photographer, so it may be difficult to see that the bottom of the trees literally curve into the side of the cliff...there is no ground underneath the tree--only beside the tree.  I ran by this tree when I was in Wisconsin Dells this summer, and was so taken with it, I stopped and snapped a photo the next day when I drove by it.

When I was on a boat cruise the following day, the guide let us know that the ground the trees were growing out of was porous rock.  The trees looked like they were barely hanging on, but actually had roots going and growing horizontally 30 feet into the side of the cliffs.  They only LOOKED like they were barely hanging on--in actual fact, they were solidly rooted into the cliff.  Their circumstance appeared much more precarious than it was.

I couldn't help but think about clients (and at times in my life, myself) in difficult circumstances, feeling like I was hanging onto life by fingernails.  The challenges, whether they be external circumstances such as loss of a home, death of a marriage, job loss, death of a spouse/child/parent or internal pain of depression and anxiety (or often, multiple aspects of both) seem too much.  Insanity/"losing it"/"going crazy"/death all seem imminent and/or inevitable.

But even after the roughest week yet, somehow they manage, and crawl into the office to proclaim that despair was close but didn't occur.  And somehow, they show up the next week, still in rough shape, but almost imperceptibly, moving forward.

It amazes me that so often, people, in the midst of the most trying and difficult circumstances, prevail and demonstrate resilience that could not have been predicted.  Roots that are not noticed, but have been built up over years--friends, internal strength of values, commitments to others, supportive communities silently but strongly bind the struggler to the side of the cliff. 

The ravaged don't fall off the edge of the cliff, because the hidden structures built up over a lifetime hold the person in the midst of struggles which, on the surface, seem insurmountable.  They might be overwhelming, but for the deep deep roots that play a role which surprises and reassures.

“Backward chaining” and “Just right challenge” are words I hear regularly at the School of Occupational Therapy, where another year of teaching starts shortly.  As Occupational Therapists, we use both of these principles all the time as we help people work on physical, emotional and cognitive deficits through purposeful activity.

“Backward chaining” is a concept that all mothers use, even if the term is unfamiliar.  It recognizes that most tasks can be subdivided into a series of component parts…putting on a shirt involves orienting the shirt to prepare to put it on, putting first one then the other arm into the sleeves, lifting it up to pop one’s head through the neckhole, and then pulling the fabric down over one’s torso.  Generally, the last step of the chain is the easiest, so as one is teaching someone something new, you help them quite actively, and let them finish the last step.  So the mom starts teaching self-dressing by backing off once the head pops through and lets the child pull the shirt down. Then she will gradually “chain backwards” allowing the child to complete pulling the her head through the neckhole and so on, until the child is able to complete the whole task.

“Just right challenge” is grading an activity to allow a client to work on developing a new skill of some kind by stretching their abilities while still ensuring success by starting off with simpler tasks and working one’s way up.  An example might be thus for learning how to golf:
miniature golfing
indoor driving range
outdoor driving range and putting at a golf course
9 holes on a par 3
working up to 18 holes on a regular course.

I often have clients who come wanting to conquer the world:
Stop smoking
Be emotionally available to their spouse in new ways
Start a new career
Begin a weight loss program and start to exercise regularly

This is NOT a “just right” challenge…this is setting oneself up for failure.

I recently worked on a fun project with some kin that I care about.  He announced that he was taking his sweetie out for her birthday.  Her request:  sushi.  This to a man who thinks French fries are vegetables.  Who thinks the four food groups consist of meat, potatoes, corn and chocolate.  Whose idea of adventurous eating is a corn dog.

But nothing like the opposite sex to provide some significant motivation.  He asked for my help.

I took it on as the Occupational Therapist I am.  First step…while at the mall shopping, we stop at the food court.  He gets his pizza, I get sushi—but with teriyaki chicken.  Nothing raw.  He tries it…and is pleasantly surprised that it “isn’t as bad” as he thought it would be.

	Step #2:  We stop for sushi again.  This time…we both eat sushi.  We play it conservative:  again with chicken and beef, but we throw in one with smoked salmon and cream cheese…a small but achievable challenge.  He eats it, and isn’t thrilled, but tries it all—and then has cereal when he gets home because he’s still hungry. Step #3:  We talk about how much she’ll love being taken out for sushi.  How this shows he cares at multiple levels.  Not a lot of talk, just a little. levels.
Step #4:  We go to Sushi Train at the Forks—her choice and the destination next week.  This is a practice run, right at “Ground Zero”.  He does the ordering…with a few suggestions from me.  We hear that there is deep fried Mars bars somewhere at the Forks and it is our mission to go find them after the sushi (a little chocolate motivation strategically thrown in—and a reward for teacher and student alike).  He selects something that interests him, and orders a couple he know that are her favorites and that he’ll at least have to pretend to like.  We get the food, and HE. LOVES. THE. GINGER. BEEF.  (I think it must be quite good, but then, I wouldn’t know—I hardly got to taste it).  The tempura salmon disappear pretty quick too.  And to my jaw dropping surprise, he finds himself not only looking forward to making his girl smile, he’s looking forward to next week’s sushi!  There will be no eel or octopus (that’s a ways down the road yet).
	Step #5:  Deep fried Mars bar.  Heaven.  Need I say more? He’s good to go…the “just right challenge” prepared him in a way that surprised us both.

What are you working towards…what kind of backward chaining or graded activities can you set up for yourself to gently, courageously, and persistently accomplish something that is important?!