Topic: Relationships

I saw the movie The Descendants on New Year’s Eve, on the recommendation of a good friend of mine. She said the cinematography was beautiful (and it was) and George Clooney was in it…that sold me. ☺ Nothing like a movie set in Hawaii on a winter’s afternoon in Winterpeg!

It was a fitting movie for a therapist to see to round out the year. One of the first scenes of the movie had Matt King, a too-busy-for-family lawyer working at his wife’s hospital bedside. She has severe head trauma and is in a coma, and he says something to his wife the effect of:

“Elizabeth, if you did this as a wake up call to get me to be a better husband, to change my ways to be there for you in a way you asked but I wasn’t....consider me woken up. I promise to change my ways and be the husband I want to be…now wake up, Elizabeth”.

He finds out shortly after that the brain damage is too extensive and her health care directive is such that the machines will be removed from her body and she will be allowed to die.

He’s clueless to parent his 2 daughters…he’s the “back up parent” who does little hands on parenting…and now he is thrust into the role of primary/only parent. In his stumbling efforts to figure out how to relate to his daughters, his 17 year old lets him know that Elizabeth was having an affair.

It was too late. He had already lost her before she was injured. It’s a sucker punch that the grieving man has a hard time wrapping his head around.

I say it’s suitable for a therapist to watch because it bookended so much of my experience of being with clients:

Matt’s grieving the loss of relationship with his wife on multiple levels. He grieves his part in the destruction of the relationship. He’s furious with her over how she allowed it to deteriorate. He loves her, and he grieves her death. He misses her and wants her back…and realizes how he took her for granted in a way that is full of regret.

I watch people grieve the end of relationships…some through death, but often from neglect or fear or confusion. It’s not easy to watch as people do the “shoulda/coulda/woulda” thing.

Sometimes couples come in…one is completely “done”, and comes out of some sense of obligation…and the other finally “gets it” that their partner is unhappy, and is ready to do the work…but it goes nowhere, because it’s already over.

Sometimes it is a parent grieving disconnection with a child, or a person grieving the pain experienced in their home as a child.

Sometimes people are grieving the end of a certain type of relationship they have with themselves...through life circumstances and inner turmoil, they question who they are, what they really want, or how to move on given that things don't seem to be what they were.

As human beings, we are hard wired to be very close to a precious few in our lives…and when those connections are damaged, fractured, broken or misused…it’s painful.

Like Matt, people are prone to introspection, self-examination, anger, and all manner of processing as the breaking-of-relationship is wrestled with. Matt recognizes how disconnected he’s been…and he’s now a single parent. He makes some mistakes, but he bumbles about trying to figure out how to support his two children who are distraught and acting out.

He doesn’t know them, but he starts to want to.

He begins to reconnect, and over time, through the clumsy-and-bumpy-working-out of this painful situation, the father and his kids become a meaningful family to each other. He softens towards them, and as a result, they soften towards him. They support each other, laugh together, and simple and comfortably end the movie by silently hanging out with each other, even as they grieve the death of Elizabeth

The other part of my job is watching the reconnecting of families or, in some cases, the connecting for the first time. People discover closeness and intimacy.

They take risks, fumbling courageously forward to find ways of knowing and being known by the other. This is painful dangerous-to-the-soul stuff...can take a while to decide if/how to move forward...but gradually, they move forward.

Couples re-discover the love they had for each other.

A person heals and ventures forth into new relationships with fear and vulnerable authenticity.

A letter is written to an estranged family member with no known outcome…the letter itself a sign of growth, and the trip the envelope takes gives possibilities of further connection.

This is the stuff of courage as people dare to draw near to another. The privilege of watching people connect deeply with others is something I don’t think I could ever grow tired of.

2012 starts a new year…a fresh page of beginnings…there will be disappointments and loss for many in this year. Loss that will simply need to be grieved...and loss that can motivate and inspire to move forward differently.

There will also be a recognition by some of their role in the patterns that create distance and distress in relationships…and for some if these, this will be accompanied by a desire to address one’s responsibility in that destructive pattern.

Reading, conversations, journaling, thinking, pondering, praying, relating, maybe even therapy will be tools that these folk will use to recognize where it is not too late to draw near to others.

There will also be many opportunities to celebrate the relationships that are close and intimate and fun and life-giving. Enjoy those moments.

Do what you can, while you can, to have your relationships match on the outside how you feel about the person on your inside. Do it now, while you can.

Blessings to you in 2012.

I’ve been marking exams this week…exams that first year Professional Master’s Occupational Therapy students have written on how to conduct a clinical interview. I have read about “Inevitable Interpersonal Events”, oh, about 48 times this week. (Let's just say marking isn't in my "Top 10" of favorite things to do.)

An Inevitable Interpersonal Event is something that happens in a relationship…stuff happens…it’s gonna happen. The fact that it happens isn’t so horrible…cuz stuff just happens, y’know? It is part of living on this earth. Like someone is misunderstood and there is hurt feelings, a boundary is crossed, someone cries or farts or lands on the other one hard (literally or metaphorically) or goofs in some way that impacts the other.

And then it happened to me…an inevitable interpersonal event.

Our office is across the street from Tim Hortons, a national icon that makes sappy commercials about how coffee connects people, and has people go, “Awwwww”. Apparently, I bought in. I thought it would be nice to get some gift cards for the staff at our office as part of their Christmas present…I know some of them like going for a walk across the street when they have a break. (Shhh….if you see one of them, don’t tell them…they haven’t got them yet.)


Well, I gather most of the rest of the country concurred with my good idea…when I went to purchase them the other day, the computer system wouldn’t cooperate (we found out later it was overloaded with gift card purchases). It took my money just fine, but it wouldn’t validate the cards.

The staff person called the manager over and she tried it. Nope. They tried again. Still not. So they refunded my money, and asked me to pay again and they started over. Still no validated cards. This took about 15 or 20 minutes. I had to leave to go back to the office to see a client. The manager took my card, and gave me hers.

She asked me to come back when I could, promised me they would call tech support and figure it out. The thing was, the manager and the staff person apologized about 4 times that this wasn’t working. The manager recognized how this was taking more time. She regretted the inconvenience. She was a little upset at how it wasn’t working, and worried aloud how that was impacting my impression of her store. I bought one additional card at a different amount…and she insisted on giving that one to me “on the house” (that one worked, for some strange reason), saying that was the least they could do.

The second time I went back, with tech support on the line, the gift cards went through successfully. In the end I got my cards…but when all was said and done, the cash register took my money twice for them. I checked my bank account the next day…and though “the system” was to reimburse my money, it hasn’t yet. The manager asked me to call her (specifically asked me to not make the trek to her store…phone was fine) if there were any problems. I called…she wasn’t at the store, but at a charity event Tim Horton’s was serving coffee at. She called me from the event in less than 90 seconds, promising to check into it.

So…this gift card purchase which I was planning on taking about 10 minutes to do, start to finish, has now taken a couple of lengthy trips to the store, a phone call, and it’s still not done.

I’m still out the money.

But I’m not mad or upset or frustrated…because the staff and management at that Tim Horton’s on Pembina Highway were so great. I’m on a first name basis with the manager…she’s great. They’ve handled it so well…taking responsibility for the problem, acknowledging and validating the inconvenience, expressing regret…the whole “inevitable interpersonal event” which was in itself a problem, was handled so effectively, my relationship with the Tim Horton’s and its staff across the street is stronger now than it was before the event.

I trust them that this will yet get fixed, and I’m pretty chill about the whole thing

That’s the thing about “Inevitable Interpersonal Events”. They happen. The fact that stuff happens that is hurtful, harmful, embarrassing, goofed up is just a natural part of being a human being in a relationship with another human being. But, as I read (about four dozen times this week—way too often!!), Inevitable Interpersonal Events are “ripe with opportunity” to “strengthen the relationship” by how the event is handled.

(Of course, the flip side is that it is “ripe with danger” (straight from the textbook) to weaken the relationship by not apologizing where appropriate, taking responsibility, acknowledging the impact, or otherwise processing the event effectively with the other.)

Stuff happens in relationships…that’s a given. It’s not a ultimate failure to get wires crossed, misunderstandings to occur, and make mistakes. While efforts to decrease hard things from happening is important, hard stuff is going to happen despite best efforts. It’s inevitable.

What happens after…how you handle that inevitable event, is likely to be more important than the original gaffe in the long term memory of the relationship.

How much effort do you put into relationship repair?

December is a time of merry-making…and when people make decisions (or don’t make decisions and just “what happens happen”, which is a sort of passive decision) about drinking. If, when, and how much.

Drinking…how do you make your decisions about drinking?

I was called the other day to do an interview about how to talk to adolescents…those just nearing drinking age….about making good choices about alcohol. The timing didn’t work out, so someone else did the interview, but it did get me to thinking about the topic.

You see, for someone like me, this isn’t just about drunk driving.

The effects of alcohol reach far beyond accidents related to driving under the influence. That’s part of it for certain. Jack Tobin was fooling around with friends last year and pinned his best friend under the car while under the influence. He describes life now as a "nightmare from which you will never wake up".

Let me tell you a little bit about the inappropriate use of alcohol. It affects lives--the life of the drinker, those around the drinker, and generations that follow.

• Alcohol is a depressant. It depresses pain…which can seem like a good thing, but it stops people from feeling what needs to be felt and processed. People get stuck because they don’t deal with life issues.
  
• It depresses inhibitions which can seem like a good thing for a person who is shy with a new date or at a party…but it suppresses good judgment too. I’ve talked with many who like a glass or two to start opening up to their spouse, or to be able to be intimate…but things can spiral into fighting and ugliness quickly.
  
• People can do things under the influence of alcohol that they would never do sober. Sleeping with a co-worker, slapping your child, mouthing off to your mother. You may apologize later, but you “can’t unring the bell” and everyone lives with the consequences for a lifetime.
  
• When people become attached to alcohol, they become detached from people. Alcohol creates disconnection. Even “happy drunks” or “sleepy drunks” who seem to do less harm aren’t available to their children or their spouses in ways that are significant. There is a field of literature and help for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Children who grew up in a family where alcohol was misused tend to share common characteristics and struggle with some of the same issues. Many, who come to us as adults with struggles inside themselves or with the close relationships in their lives. have grown up with alcoholism in their family.
  

Generally, we at Bergen and Associates Counselling get a larger number of calls in January for counselling than other months. This is for a variety of reasons, but one of them is that there are more than the usual number of opportunities during the holidays to drink alcohol, and that creates situations which need to be worked through, brings back memories that require processing, and creates conflict and grief for any number of reasons.

So…how do we teach our children the responsible use of alcohol?

• Model appropriate use of alcohol. Things like drinking, smoking, further education, treating others with respect—areas of life that are values based—this stuff is better ‘caught than taught”. Children are more likely to remember what you do than what you say on the topic. Admit your mistakes when you make them, and let your children learn from your experience.
  
• Talk about the issues as they arise. When alcohol related incidents are reported in the media, use it as an opportunity to have a discussion. Have children develop a wisdom on the dangers of the misuse of alcohol long before they are at a stage where peers will pressure them to be hip/cool/rad/sick.
  
• Recognize that putting up absolutes as a “brick wall” just invites a child to get a ladder and climb over in defiance. To expect offspring to be teetotalers until their 30’s likely isn’t realistic. Rather, invite a child to responsibility after you have discussed together what responsibility is, what it looks like, what the child aspires to, and what sort of behavior needs to happen for the child to feel good about themselves. Many children look for a way to get around a rule they feel forced upon them, but rise to the occasion to be honorable when invited and given an opportunity.
• Allow for measured mistakes. A friend of mine had money tucked underneath the cookie jar on top of the fridge. It was there for one purpose only…she told her children that she hoped they would make wise choices about alcohol and the whole party scene…but if they ever felt uncomfortable at a party and had no way home, or the friend that had brought them was drunk and it wasn’t safe to get in the car, they were to call a taxi and pay the cab driver with the money under the cookie jar. They were asked to notify their mother for the sole purpose of replacing the funds No questions  asked (this was after many conversations over the years to invite them to responsibility). She gave them an “out” to get home safely if they got in over their heads…an out that they could feel safe to use. To my knowledge the original money stayed there for years. Kids can make mistakes…and learn from those mistakes…they need to be allowed to make mistakes at a level that is tolerable.
  

Here’s a toast to responsible drinking this Christmas season!

Answering “why” is hard.

The first experience with “why” that I remember sticks powerfully. I was a child…I think I might have been three or four. My brother and I were brushing our teeth at the bathroom sink…and the toothpaste cap slipped out of my fingers and it fell down the bathroom drain.

It must have difficult to retrieve. My father was angry.

I remember distinctly him saying, “Why did you do that?” and instinctively knowing that there was no right answer. There was nothing I could say to his why that would be an acceptable answer. Why?

It felt like a trap. I was supposed to give a reason. But there wasn’t one. I hadn’t intended to. It was an accident. But it didn’t feel like there was room in the question for an answer that wouldn’t be met with anger.

“Why” was a set up.

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve asked “why” too…not expecting an answer that will build understanding and conversation…but using whatever the answer is, as an opportunity to rip into the other person, all your frustrations and anger.


Why:

• Puts the other on the defensive
  
• Sets it up to suggest there is one right answer and the person is being tested to see if they can guess it
  
• Can quite often suggest, at least in tone, that the other person is wrong, and you are just giving the other person a chance to tell you how they blew it (because then you can go into a self righteous blast)
  

I’ve worked to essentially eliminate “why” from my vocabulary. (This will be a life long project, I suspect) I still use it, I ‘m sure, but I seek to avoid it whenever possible. I’ve worked to switch to “how”.
How:

• Implies a curiousity
  
• Suggests the questioner wants to know and learn
  
• Suggests the responder has some information that can inform.
• invites a conversation where there is space for respectful dialogue.

 Notice they difference:

• Why did you come home so late from work?
  
• How is it that you are so late coming home from work?
  

• Why did you yell at me yesterday?
  
• How is it that you found it necessary to yell at me yesterday?
  

• Why are you being so evasive?
  
• How is it that it makes sense right now for you to be evasive?
  

Perhaps the biggest advantage of “how” vs. “why” is that “how” questions are a little harder, and require a wee bit more thought than the “why” questions. And the extra effort has me slow down and be able to ask the question in a way that has a better chance of an interactive discussion rather than blasting the other person with an accusation, so…

• “Why did you just do that?”
  

can become:

• “Can you explain how it was that you just chose to do that?”
  

Imagine how the second question might create space for a more productive dialogue than the first (especially when the tone might be different too). Try it for a few days…and let me know what you think…what happens when you switch from “why” to “how”.

Nothings wrong with a tune-up…but do you bother?

I took my car in last week to Winnipeg Honda Service Department…it had been on my mind to get the car in before the snow flew. September and October were crazy months of teaching and driving tribe members hither and yon…and so by the time I got to calling the dealership, I had to wait another week to get it done. It was past due.

Got an oil change. And the “winterizing package”…don’t know what’s all involved in that…but now my car…well, she’s good to go. Yippee.

Now…I can drive her just fine. I know where the steering wheel is, turn signals, lights, fill’er up with gas, an even add windshield washer fluid and check the oil. (I can check the oil…which is different than saying I actually do). I’m a pretty good driver, and she’s a pretty good car…we get along fine. I like her, and I depend on her—heavily. (You might be asking how I know the car is a “she”…dunno…just she is…and for the record, my computer and phone are both “him’s”—go figger).

Point is, I rely on her. A lot. And she delivers. But I’m over my head with that seasononal maintenance.



I was feeling a little nervous about how long I’d let the oil change and full engine check go…cuz the longer you let it go..well, if there’s something wrong…it can get “wronger and wronger” over time, when it’s not attended to. And then things get inconvenient because I can be without a car for days, or need a tow, and it gets really pricey.

Letting the little things go unattended doesn’t seem like a big deal when I can get away without attending to them…but then one day, something snaps, and it’s big time trouble.

I can take something that is running well for granted…and assume all is well…even though I’m not taking the time and attention to do some preventative maintenance…and possibly, underneath the surface, trouble may be brewing.

By now, you’ve figured out that I’m not just talking about the car and my seasonal maintenance.

I know regular maintenance is important. I know I’m asking for trouble if I don’t do it. It’s a “no brainer” to get my car into the shop several times a year (well, it shouldn’t be a no brainer…and when I put it off like I did this time…I’m taking my chances)

We also need regular maintenance.

When’s the last time you had a chance to take some inventory about how you are doing? To hear yourself talk about what’s going on for you, how you’re looking after yourself, what’s troubling you, how you’re managing with those troubles, and what you are doing to give yourself joy?

Many people do this as a matter of course…when going out for coffee with a friend, or a cozy conversation with a spouse. Others haven’t done it for a looooong time.

And…when’s the last time you took stock of your relationships?

• Have you asked your spouse if they have been feeling loved or cared for lately?
• Have you taken time to discuss with your spouse the fact that you’ve had the same argument (unsuccessfully) several times in the last month…to discover what’s underneath that pattern?
  
• What would it be like to ask your spouse for some candid feedback about how they are experiencing you and your relationship?
  
• Have you asked your significant other what questions you should be asking so that you can hear answers that are important for the other to give you?
  

Of course, this can also be helpful with your administrative assistant, best friend, fellow coach, or mentor…the idea is to think about some regular preventative maintenance on yourself and your important relationships.

You can be informal and do this over a second cup of coffee sometime. At Bergen and Associates Counselling, we do deliberate relationship maintenance with our clients regularly as part of Feedback Enhanced Therapy…at the end of sessions, we formally ask for feedback about how they experience the session and feel about the relationship with the therapist. A good working relationship with a therapist is vital to do good work in counselling.

For couples, you can use a tool to get some more formal documentation and a place to start the discussion with the Couple Checkup. There is a charge for this tool, but things that are important are worth investing in.

You might suggest I’m self serving here…but I truly do believe that sometimes that relationship “check up” can be done (or is some cases, is best done) with a therapist. Find one you trust…get to know him or her for some “preventative maintenance”…and think about going a couple of times a year for a check in with your spouse. And, should your relationship ever blow a gasket, you would have his/her number on speed dial and an already established place to explore how to get the relationship back on track.

Maintenance and occasional repair work…even extensive repair work, is an inevitable part of all relationships.

It is not a failure to have to get some input from a therapist, anymore than it is a failure for me to have to go to a mechanic for an oil change and a multi point maintenance inspection.

Today is Thanksgiving Monday…the day many gather as families to eat turkey…or maybe lasagna, or a roast.

And tomorrow, if it is as it is other years, the phone at our office will ring.

• Someone will have made 3 or 4 different pies, been too exhausted to enjoy the gathering, and enormously hurt because no one said “thank-you” or noticed the fussing over the variety of pies to please everyone
  
• Another will have witnessed relatives over-imbibing…and witnessing a fight that gets ugly…reminiscent of many previous alcohol induced fights from years previous
  
• Another will have worked all day preparing a big meal, or maybe raking the yard and preparing it for winter…and wishing and hoping and resenting the fact that the request for help was ignored by someone who took a nap or watched the game instead.
  
• Another will be having a “Hungry Man” TV turkey dinner with only TV for company, and the silence when so many others are gathered around family tables will be deafening.
  

And ironically, Thanksgiving Day, will be a day where the bitterness and hurt and loneliness and pain of the moment will have it be a day where gratitude is least likely to be felt. A day where it feels like one is taken for granted, set up for hurt, witnesses family conflict in a way that the possibility of

• Is family worth it?
  
• Are relationships worth it?
  
• Being a hermit seems sooo appealing at this moment.
  

Wish it were that easy. Being that humans are hardwired for relationship…our brains long for connection with others…we continue to long for those very relationships that also hurt us…bend us, sometimes, almost to the breaking point…frustrate us…break one’s heart.

And so...tomorrow, or next week, or maybe next month or next year, with a deep breath, with a wall rising that threatens to rise so high it breaks connection, a person will reach out and try again…hoping that this time, there will be love and acceptance and nurture.

Tomorrow, we will get some calls from people feeling like those walls are so high they can’t be climbed without some help. We will begin work with couples to find ways of making it safe for those walls to come down. We will meet with individuals to figure out how to relate to those who drink too much. We will meet with people who give of themselves until they are empty, and depressed. We will help people work towards healing in themselves, in their relationships—either their marriage, with their family or with friends. And for some…this will change what the Christmas gathering will look like…they will risk talking about the pain…and so the next time of a holiday, it will look and feel different.

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

I remember being very moved by The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, years ago when he gave it, and bought and devoured the same titled book when it came out a short time later. Randy Pausch, a man dying of pancreatic cancer, chose to spend his last months finding ways to be a good dad in the future…so he used the tool of “The Last Lecture” to give his kids memories of him, and his insights. Some things that I’ve been thinking about twigged me to go back to it recently, and this quote was one that really caught me:

 My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.

(page 146)

 So, this quote got me to thinkin’…particularly in light of some conversations I have had with folks lately. While this quote is directed to his daughter to make positive relationship choices…I’m thinking this quote could be gender inclusive and both men and women are wise to think… “When it comes to another who is romantically interested in you…ignore everything she/he says and only pay attention to what they do”.

While that line makes a lot of sense…here’s the rub. I work with a lot of couples where one loves the other deeply, but it’s really hard to tell by their behavior. In fact, a wife can be very surprised that her husband doesn’t know how much she loves and cares. And then he’s surprised that she’s surprised…because it seems so obvious to him that he is just judged and criticized and a focus of anger. How could she possibly love him, given his experience of her.

Let’s call him Joe. Let’s call her Jane.

What happens is this…Joe gets hung up in traffic on the way home, and doesn’t call (it’s illegal to do so, right?). Jane worries about Joe, and wonders why Joe is so disrespectful of her and the special supper she has prepared to surprise him. As Jane waits in the long silence, she begins stewing, wondering why he doesn’t treasure her by coming home as soon as he can after work. When he comes in the door, Jane is rather “worked up” with hoping Joe is OK (“I’m worried…was he in a traffic accident?) and fear (“if he’s this late, I must not really be that important to him. Does he really love me like he used to…when he came home on time or even early?”) and so she lets loose with a tirade about how he’s so unreliable and inconsistent and rude. Joe doesn’t understand “what her problem is”, so he stomps off into the bedroom, his blood pressure still high from battling traffic, the stress of it still having him wound up. Joe feels judged unfairly and it stings…so he “cuts a wide swath” around Jane all evening…which, as you can imagine, further has Jane wondering, “Why is he avoiding me? I prepared this special dinner and he’s ruining it…maybe he doesn’t notice it, doesn’t care about it…maybe doesn’t care about me?” And Jane is hurt and wondering/worried…and so can’t find it in her to walk across the room and snuggle with him after the silent supper…she goes back and retreats to cleaning in the kitchen (banging pots and pans loud enough to see if Joe’ll notice that she’s there, and hoping he’ll get the signal to come in and help her to show her that she matters…it would feel so good if Joe would join her in the kitchen…but she can’t bring herself to tell him so). Joe hears the way the cupboard doors are slamming, and how the pot got put into the sink harder than necessary, and feels like he has a pretty good idea what would happen to him if he showed up there…so he stays really far away. After fussing about in the kitchen for a while, Jane goes to the bedroom to read a book…away from him…too hurt at how he left the whole mess in the kitchen for her. And Jane hopes…maybe he’ll come into the bedroom and snuggle with her. Joe knows she “needs her space”—after all, Jane could have come and joined him on the couch and she didn’t want to--and so stays watching Monday Night Football (who wants to get barked at again?).

Joe wonders why he isn’t loved by her…why Jane keeps her distance, why he can’t do anything right, when it doesn’t even feel like he’s done anything wrong.

Jane doesn’t know why he doesn’t care, why he doesn’t invest in making her feel special like he used to. What does he “do” to show her he loves her? She wonders.

OK…so this looks really obvious, when it’s written in a silly little blog. Trust me..this is only slightly simplified, and is something that happens in marriages all across the country every day. Doesn’t feel so “obvious” or “silly” then…just feels like it hurts. The genuine love that one feels towards the other is contaminated by worry and concern and fear that has one hold back from the other, or lash out in anger…the anger is about wanting to be loved and feel loved in a meaningful way…and when that doesn’t happen, there is a) withdraw or b) attack. Neither of these looks like loving behavior, and so when the other pays attentions to what the other “does”, it seems pretty clear that the one doesn’t love the other.

Let me add to the quote to make it more complete:

My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.
And as I think about it, some day it could come in pretty useful for Dylan and Logan, too.

The bold is what gets me…the challenge. He is challenging his kids to “do” the love/romance so they will be walking the talk. He knows that regardless of what you say, it’s what you “do” that sticks. It’s hard to “walk the talk” in love…to “do” love, and not “do” fear or anxiety, or “do” anger as a reaction to the fear.

Do your loved ones know you love them by what you “do” around them? If I asked your spouse if s/he could tell you love him/her by your actions, what would they say? What would you want him/her to say? What shifts would you like to make to ensure that your spouse has no doubt they s/he is loved by you?

So, last night I was at the Josh Groban concert!!! And it was great…in many ways. His music is beautiful, the set was gorgeous, it was funny in moments...and it was a huge treat for me…between looking after my junior tribe members and my two jobs, I don’t really get out much. But my brother, sweetheart that he is, sent a couple of tickets my way…letting me know that Josh Groban is “dreamy” (and my bro would know cuz he has an adolescent daughter educating him about such). My “date” was Melanie, our office manager. We work well together, and are not only great co-workers, but good friends, too. Technically, I suppose, I’m her “boss”…but practically, on a day to day basis, really she’s my boss, as she often ends up telling me where things are at, what’s possible, and when I’m overscheduling in a way that keeps us all running smoothly. She really runs the admin end of things around Bergen and Associates in a great way that is fun and effective…but I digress. She’s fun and we hung out last night at the concert: What was cool about going with her was how there was a bit of theme last night around the value of connections…something that essentially defines us as a counselling practice. We went as friends, but had the value of our work validated and affirmed. Early in the show he sang, “You are loved (Don’t give up)”:

Don't give up It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard If silence keeps you I...
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Then he spent some time answering questions from the audience. The last question was from “Mitch” who nervously stood up while his question was asked…which essentially hinted at his deep desire to sing with Josh Groban on stage. This self-professed “small town” tenor said the song he was known for was “You raise me up”, a song I have previously blogged about. Josh invited him up on stage, and as he lumbered up, the crowd nervously giggled. They alternated lines. Mitch was clearly nervous (who wouldn’t have been!) so a few notes were a little shaky…but more often than not, his beautiful tenor voice rang out true and beautiful. When they got to the line, “I am tall when I am on your shoulders”…he lifted his hand and put it on Josh’s shoulders meaningfully. It was clear at that moment, how tall Josh was helping him to be…more than he could be. When he was done, Mitch got a standing O from the crowd…every one likes it when "the little guy" triumphs and has “his moment”. A few minutes later, Josh talked about the way he wants to “pay it forward”…to thank the teachers, mentors and counsellors (yup, he said counsellors!) that had helped shape him, and given him the inner resources for success. Part of that is helping organizations that give those resources to young people…so there were a bunch of youth from Graffiti Art Program at the show. He sang the song, “If I walk away” that furthers his effort to support those that need help and sometimes resist the very help they so long for:

Lately, I’ve been the quiet one 

Waiting, searching the lines of the songs you played for me

Sailing into the misty air 

Fading, bound for I don’t know where

When I’m there I’ll see

So if I walk away

Please follow me

Yeah if I walk away

Please follow me

The concert continued with Josh inviting a couple married 54 years on stage…asking him, “What’s your secret” and he says, “She keeps me young”…and so Josh asks her, “How do you keep him young?” and she answers, “We dance together”…He sits them on a couch and brings them some wine so they can be serenaded.

Josh goes on to sing this beautiful, haunting, lovely song which jarringly, is about infidelity…as he sings:

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

During this song, this couple spontaneously stands up from their seats and begin dance, slowly and lovingly and incredibly charmingly off to the side of the stage…the two moving in rhythm, both clearly familiar with the steps and patterns of the other. It was a beautiful reminder of the value of keeping the vow, and how marriage can be strong and sustained and committed and loving, even as Mr. Groban is singing about broken vows.

It sorta felt like it affirmed what Melanie, I and all the other therapists dedicate our lives to…to bringing people together in a world that is lyrical and melodic and exquisitely beautiful, but can be poignantly sad as forces in the background, in deep places work against and create disruptions in the connections that people so long to have deep and rich and vital.

The difference between good and nice has been on my mind a bunch lately. Trying to sort out the difference, and trying to make some promises to myself about what I want to do with my fresh thinking on this.

It started a few weeks ago when a friend and I went for a looooong walk in the park. She had suggested we meet, because I had alluded to a difficult situation and she was kind enough to offer her support to me. So, we walked around Assiniboine Park, enjoying the beautiful evening…she hugged me, and let me cry, and listened to me, and listened to me some more…in the way supportive girlfriends do. She let me vent, and I ranted and railed for a while. She heard me, and let me know she did.

And then she proverbally “kicked my butt”.

She let me know I was being unreasonable, and demanding of another person in a way that wasn’t fair. She told me I was expecting more than was possible, and the way I was trying to work it out just increased the demands in a situation that was already overwhelming for another. She told me that although my situation was painful and difficult, I didn’t have a full grasp of the other’s position. She, having more experience than I of where the other was at, let me know what it was “really” like. Funny thing was, even though she was setting me straight, telling me how I got it wrong, I wasn’t offended. Strangely, I became more relieved…the whole thing started to make a lot more sense, and though it was still difficult, it didn’t have the same level of turmoil. Hurt—yes, confusion—not so much.

I have thought back to that conversation numerous times over the last weeks, reminding me of the truth of what she said. She taught me much. She wasn’t “nice” in the way I might have expected her to be…taking my side, and “tsk, tsk-ing” the other…she challenged me pretty good. She may not have been “nice”, but gosh, was she “good” for me. I’ve been realizing the toll that being “nice” has on relationships. Spouses who take the easy way out and are “nice”, swallowing the little resentments and pretending it doesn’t matter when he criticizes her family again, or he chooses to stay late and miss something he promised to attend again. Not saying anything is “nice”, but not “good”…it costs the relationship to have some things not working well.

So, I was getting the grey covered in my hair the other day, and I was chatting about this thought with R, my hairdresser. As we were talking, he says, “I always try to be nice.” And I say, “Nice or good?” And he says: “Aren’t those the same thing?” And so we talk about this…it came up because he had recently let an employee go, because although she was very “nice”, she hadn’t been working out well. And R. says: “As we’re talking, I’m realizing how I was very ‘nice’ by saying things like, ‘I was thinking that if you’re interested, you could start….’ Or ‘You might want to think about trying….’ . I did this so that I didn’t appear pushy…I wanted her to like me. But when I said those things, I had timelines and targets for performance for her…I had clear expectations of what I expected from her…but now I’m not sure she would have known that.” Now, we’ve no way of knowing if this employee would have been able to reach these targets…she may have been fired for inadequate performance. But if he hadn’t been so “nice”, she would have clearly known the expectations, and had a much clearer picture of what she needed to do. She would have known where the bar was set, and she would have had a clear opportunity to determine if she wanted to reach it. She still may not have had a job, but she would have had a better chance.

It was interesting to watch R. ponder this out loud…and prompted me to further look at how I can choose to be nice to someone, rather than good for someone.

• It’s easy to be nice, it takes courage to be good.
  
•  It’s obvious how to be nice, it takes careful judgement and thoughtful discernment to be good.
  
• It’s safe for oneself to be nice, it can be risky to be good.
  
• Nice looks after the speaker, good looks after the other, and invests in the relationship.
  
• Nice keeps everybody smiling with each other, but the task can get lost in the conversations…while good may challenge the connection between people.
  
• Nice feels warm and fuzzy and a little hollow, good feels real and authentic and vulnerable, and sometimes a little raw.
  
• Nice is what we were taught: “be nice”, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”.
  
• Nice leaves you “up a creek” with few options when the other person is unfair, mean, and rude. 

I talked about these ideas with a group of people last week, and had some interesting discussions after…as people suddenly had a way to articulate an inner tension they had…the desire to have a “nice” conversation with someone but also have a pull to speak truth into a situation in a way that could be hard for the other person to hear.

How do you decide between being “nice” and “good”?

**I apologize for my lack of blogging…my webmaster has been making some changes which means the blog part of the site has a few kinks in it. Hope to have it up and running smoothly very shortly. ☺

Arvid smashed the Guiness record for crossing mainland Canada by bicycle by almost 3 hours.  HE DID IT!!

It wasn't easy for Uncle Arvid...a brutal schedule averaging only 2 hours of sleep per night, and pumping those legs non stop for hours at a time is hard on a body.  On Day 9, he took a calculated but necessary risk:  he would use up the 12 hours of time he was ahead of world record time, and use it to rest--to incline his legs as they were badly swollen. He said it was like riding a bike underwater with casts on them..a daunting task to ride bike like that, never mind after all the miles his body had already put on the bike thus far.

It worked. The swelling reduced and became under control. And he finished…but it still wasn’t easy. He was tired, and there were crosswinds to challenge him, roads full of potholes, and the brutal hills of Quebec and Nova Scotia. He did a 40 hour push at the end to git’er done. It was a tough and long ride.

I followed his website obsessively, tracking his progress across the country, waiting for news of how he was doing. (At the airport, when we talked about this, he told me, with a wink, that those of us pushing "refresh" should "get a life").  His support crew posted videos periodically. The one that caught my eye was this:

 

Arvid Loewen says he won’t quit because too many already have…

My overall goal is to finish this regardless…and these kids have experienced nothing but disappointments from adults in their life…through various circumstances, and not nearly all of it is the fault of the adults either. I don’t think we are in the position where a little inconvenience, a little pain, a little bit of fluid, hills, and challenges, allows us to take that option out…I have no intentions of that. And so for me, I have to struggle on…whatever it takes to get to Halifax.

Arvid Loewen

This blog is about the value of connection…the vitalness of it in all of our lives as human beings. Connection isn’t easy…connection demands commitment. Demonstrated commitment…hanging in there through thick and thin…that means something. When the going gets tough, and connection remains…that’s memorable. And the memory of commitments held during difficult times…well…that changes people. It gives a person a lasting perception of their inherent value as a human being. It implies worth.  When a person knows that someone has hung in there for them...it has them walk a little straighter and taller, and look others in the eye a little straighter.

…[support crew on phone] keep sending notes on the website and any way you can. We read those to Arvid and it is an unbelievable encouragement to him.

Connection and commitment to that connection goes in multiple directions. As Arvid committed himself to making it to the East Coast, his support crew asked us—his friends and family—to commit to sending him notes of encouragement.. I remember a wise mentor telling me that “encouragement is fuel for the soul”. In Arvid’s case, maybe fuel for his legs too. Arvid needed us.  Our commitment to "be there" for him, helped him to "be there" for the children.  He needed to be connected to people even as he was alone on his bike going up one hill after another.

He made it to the East Coast…in record time. And the children of Mully Children’s Family—these children who have had adults quit on them (many through death, poverty, and disease)—know that they have two grandpas who don’t quit on them…Charles Mully and Arvid Loewen.