Topic: Relationships

Today is Thanksgiving Monday…the day many gather as families to eat turkey…or maybe lasagna, or a roast.

And tomorrow, if it is as it is other years, the phone at our office will ring.

• Someone will have made 3 or 4 different pies, been too exhausted to enjoy the gathering, and enormously hurt because no one said “thank-you” or noticed the fussing over the variety of pies to please everyone
  
• Another will have witnessed relatives over-imbibing…and witnessing a fight that gets ugly…reminiscent of many previous alcohol induced fights from years previous
  
• Another will have worked all day preparing a big meal, or maybe raking the yard and preparing it for winter…and wishing and hoping and resenting the fact that the request for help was ignored by someone who took a nap or watched the game instead.
  
• Another will be having a “Hungry Man” TV turkey dinner with only TV for company, and the silence when so many others are gathered around family tables will be deafening.
  

And ironically, Thanksgiving Day, will be a day where the bitterness and hurt and loneliness and pain of the moment will have it be a day where gratitude is least likely to be felt. A day where it feels like one is taken for granted, set up for hurt, witnesses family conflict in a way that the possibility of

• Is family worth it?
  
• Are relationships worth it?
  
• Being a hermit seems sooo appealing at this moment.
  

Wish it were that easy. Being that humans are hardwired for relationship…our brains long for connection with others…we continue to long for those very relationships that also hurt us…bend us, sometimes, almost to the breaking point…frustrate us…break one’s heart.

And so...tomorrow, or next week, or maybe next month or next year, with a deep breath, with a wall rising that threatens to rise so high it breaks connection, a person will reach out and try again…hoping that this time, there will be love and acceptance and nurture.

Tomorrow, we will get some calls from people feeling like those walls are so high they can’t be climbed without some help. We will begin work with couples to find ways of making it safe for those walls to come down. We will meet with individuals to figure out how to relate to those who drink too much. We will meet with people who give of themselves until they are empty, and depressed. We will help people work towards healing in themselves, in their relationships—either their marriage, with their family or with friends. And for some…this will change what the Christmas gathering will look like…they will risk talking about the pain…and so the next time of a holiday, it will look and feel different.

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

I remember being very moved by The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, years ago when he gave it, and bought and devoured the same titled book when it came out a short time later. Randy Pausch, a man dying of pancreatic cancer, chose to spend his last months finding ways to be a good dad in the future…so he used the tool of “The Last Lecture” to give his kids memories of him, and his insights. Some things that I’ve been thinking about twigged me to go back to it recently, and this quote was one that really caught me:

 My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.

(page 146)

 So, this quote got me to thinkin’…particularly in light of some conversations I have had with folks lately. While this quote is directed to his daughter to make positive relationship choices…I’m thinking this quote could be gender inclusive and both men and women are wise to think… “When it comes to another who is romantically interested in you…ignore everything she/he says and only pay attention to what they do”.

While that line makes a lot of sense…here’s the rub. I work with a lot of couples where one loves the other deeply, but it’s really hard to tell by their behavior. In fact, a wife can be very surprised that her husband doesn’t know how much she loves and cares. And then he’s surprised that she’s surprised…because it seems so obvious to him that he is just judged and criticized and a focus of anger. How could she possibly love him, given his experience of her.

Let’s call him Joe. Let’s call her Jane.

What happens is this…Joe gets hung up in traffic on the way home, and doesn’t call (it’s illegal to do so, right?). Jane worries about Joe, and wonders why Joe is so disrespectful of her and the special supper she has prepared to surprise him. As Jane waits in the long silence, she begins stewing, wondering why he doesn’t treasure her by coming home as soon as he can after work. When he comes in the door, Jane is rather “worked up” with hoping Joe is OK (“I’m worried…was he in a traffic accident?) and fear (“if he’s this late, I must not really be that important to him. Does he really love me like he used to…when he came home on time or even early?”) and so she lets loose with a tirade about how he’s so unreliable and inconsistent and rude. Joe doesn’t understand “what her problem is”, so he stomps off into the bedroom, his blood pressure still high from battling traffic, the stress of it still having him wound up. Joe feels judged unfairly and it stings…so he “cuts a wide swath” around Jane all evening…which, as you can imagine, further has Jane wondering, “Why is he avoiding me? I prepared this special dinner and he’s ruining it…maybe he doesn’t notice it, doesn’t care about it…maybe doesn’t care about me?” And Jane is hurt and wondering/worried…and so can’t find it in her to walk across the room and snuggle with him after the silent supper…she goes back and retreats to cleaning in the kitchen (banging pots and pans loud enough to see if Joe’ll notice that she’s there, and hoping he’ll get the signal to come in and help her to show her that she matters…it would feel so good if Joe would join her in the kitchen…but she can’t bring herself to tell him so). Joe hears the way the cupboard doors are slamming, and how the pot got put into the sink harder than necessary, and feels like he has a pretty good idea what would happen to him if he showed up there…so he stays really far away. After fussing about in the kitchen for a while, Jane goes to the bedroom to read a book…away from him…too hurt at how he left the whole mess in the kitchen for her. And Jane hopes…maybe he’ll come into the bedroom and snuggle with her. Joe knows she “needs her space”—after all, Jane could have come and joined him on the couch and she didn’t want to--and so stays watching Monday Night Football (who wants to get barked at again?).

Joe wonders why he isn’t loved by her…why Jane keeps her distance, why he can’t do anything right, when it doesn’t even feel like he’s done anything wrong.

Jane doesn’t know why he doesn’t care, why he doesn’t invest in making her feel special like he used to. What does he “do” to show her he loves her? She wonders.

OK…so this looks really obvious, when it’s written in a silly little blog. Trust me..this is only slightly simplified, and is something that happens in marriages all across the country every day. Doesn’t feel so “obvious” or “silly” then…just feels like it hurts. The genuine love that one feels towards the other is contaminated by worry and concern and fear that has one hold back from the other, or lash out in anger…the anger is about wanting to be loved and feel loved in a meaningful way…and when that doesn’t happen, there is a) withdraw or b) attack. Neither of these looks like loving behavior, and so when the other pays attentions to what the other “does”, it seems pretty clear that the one doesn’t love the other.

Let me add to the quote to make it more complete:

My daughter is just 18 months, so I can’t tell her this now, but when she’s old enough, I want Chloe to know something a female colleague once told me, which is good advice for young ladies everywhere. In fact, pound for pound, it’s the best advice I’ve ever heard.
My colleague told me: “It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”
That’s it. So here it is, for Chloe.
And as I think about it, some day it could come in pretty useful for Dylan and Logan, too.

The bold is what gets me…the challenge. He is challenging his kids to “do” the love/romance so they will be walking the talk. He knows that regardless of what you say, it’s what you “do” that sticks. It’s hard to “walk the talk” in love…to “do” love, and not “do” fear or anxiety, or “do” anger as a reaction to the fear.

Do your loved ones know you love them by what you “do” around them? If I asked your spouse if s/he could tell you love him/her by your actions, what would they say? What would you want him/her to say? What shifts would you like to make to ensure that your spouse has no doubt they s/he is loved by you?

So, last night I was at the Josh Groban concert!!! And it was great…in many ways. His music is beautiful, the set was gorgeous, it was funny in moments...and it was a huge treat for me…between looking after my junior tribe members and my two jobs, I don’t really get out much. But my brother, sweetheart that he is, sent a couple of tickets my way…letting me know that Josh Groban is “dreamy” (and my bro would know cuz he has an adolescent daughter educating him about such). My “date” was Melanie, our office manager. We work well together, and are not only great co-workers, but good friends, too. Technically, I suppose, I’m her “boss”…but practically, on a day to day basis, really she’s my boss, as she often ends up telling me where things are at, what’s possible, and when I’m overscheduling in a way that keeps us all running smoothly. She really runs the admin end of things around Bergen and Associates in a great way that is fun and effective…but I digress. She’s fun and we hung out last night at the concert: What was cool about going with her was how there was a bit of theme last night around the value of connections…something that essentially defines us as a counselling practice. We went as friends, but had the value of our work validated and affirmed. Early in the show he sang, “You are loved (Don’t give up)”:

Don't give up It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard If silence keeps you I...
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Then he spent some time answering questions from the audience. The last question was from “Mitch” who nervously stood up while his question was asked…which essentially hinted at his deep desire to sing with Josh Groban on stage. This self-professed “small town” tenor said the song he was known for was “You raise me up”, a song I have previously blogged about. Josh invited him up on stage, and as he lumbered up, the crowd nervously giggled. They alternated lines. Mitch was clearly nervous (who wouldn’t have been!) so a few notes were a little shaky…but more often than not, his beautiful tenor voice rang out true and beautiful. When they got to the line, “I am tall when I am on your shoulders”…he lifted his hand and put it on Josh’s shoulders meaningfully. It was clear at that moment, how tall Josh was helping him to be…more than he could be. When he was done, Mitch got a standing O from the crowd…every one likes it when "the little guy" triumphs and has “his moment”. A few minutes later, Josh talked about the way he wants to “pay it forward”…to thank the teachers, mentors and counsellors (yup, he said counsellors!) that had helped shape him, and given him the inner resources for success. Part of that is helping organizations that give those resources to young people…so there were a bunch of youth from Graffiti Art Program at the show. He sang the song, “If I walk away” that furthers his effort to support those that need help and sometimes resist the very help they so long for:

Lately, I’ve been the quiet one 

Waiting, searching the lines of the songs you played for me

Sailing into the misty air 

Fading, bound for I don’t know where

When I’m there I’ll see

So if I walk away

Please follow me

Yeah if I walk away

Please follow me

The concert continued with Josh inviting a couple married 54 years on stage…asking him, “What’s your secret” and he says, “She keeps me young”…and so Josh asks her, “How do you keep him young?” and she answers, “We dance together”…He sits them on a couch and brings them some wine so they can be serenaded.

Josh goes on to sing this beautiful, haunting, lovely song which jarringly, is about infidelity…as he sings:

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

During this song, this couple spontaneously stands up from their seats and begin dance, slowly and lovingly and incredibly charmingly off to the side of the stage…the two moving in rhythm, both clearly familiar with the steps and patterns of the other. It was a beautiful reminder of the value of keeping the vow, and how marriage can be strong and sustained and committed and loving, even as Mr. Groban is singing about broken vows.

It sorta felt like it affirmed what Melanie, I and all the other therapists dedicate our lives to…to bringing people together in a world that is lyrical and melodic and exquisitely beautiful, but can be poignantly sad as forces in the background, in deep places work against and create disruptions in the connections that people so long to have deep and rich and vital.

The difference between good and nice has been on my mind a bunch lately. Trying to sort out the difference, and trying to make some promises to myself about what I want to do with my fresh thinking on this.

It started a few weeks ago when a friend and I went for a looooong walk in the park. She had suggested we meet, because I had alluded to a difficult situation and she was kind enough to offer her support to me. So, we walked around Assiniboine Park, enjoying the beautiful evening…she hugged me, and let me cry, and listened to me, and listened to me some more…in the way supportive girlfriends do. She let me vent, and I ranted and railed for a while. She heard me, and let me know she did.

And then she proverbally “kicked my butt”.

She let me know I was being unreasonable, and demanding of another person in a way that wasn’t fair. She told me I was expecting more than was possible, and the way I was trying to work it out just increased the demands in a situation that was already overwhelming for another. She told me that although my situation was painful and difficult, I didn’t have a full grasp of the other’s position. She, having more experience than I of where the other was at, let me know what it was “really” like. Funny thing was, even though she was setting me straight, telling me how I got it wrong, I wasn’t offended. Strangely, I became more relieved…the whole thing started to make a lot more sense, and though it was still difficult, it didn’t have the same level of turmoil. Hurt—yes, confusion—not so much.

I have thought back to that conversation numerous times over the last weeks, reminding me of the truth of what she said. She taught me much. She wasn’t “nice” in the way I might have expected her to be…taking my side, and “tsk, tsk-ing” the other…she challenged me pretty good. She may not have been “nice”, but gosh, was she “good” for me. I’ve been realizing the toll that being “nice” has on relationships. Spouses who take the easy way out and are “nice”, swallowing the little resentments and pretending it doesn’t matter when he criticizes her family again, or he chooses to stay late and miss something he promised to attend again. Not saying anything is “nice”, but not “good”…it costs the relationship to have some things not working well.

So, I was getting the grey covered in my hair the other day, and I was chatting about this thought with R, my hairdresser. As we were talking, he says, “I always try to be nice.” And I say, “Nice or good?” And he says: “Aren’t those the same thing?” And so we talk about this…it came up because he had recently let an employee go, because although she was very “nice”, she hadn’t been working out well. And R. says: “As we’re talking, I’m realizing how I was very ‘nice’ by saying things like, ‘I was thinking that if you’re interested, you could start….’ Or ‘You might want to think about trying….’ . I did this so that I didn’t appear pushy…I wanted her to like me. But when I said those things, I had timelines and targets for performance for her…I had clear expectations of what I expected from her…but now I’m not sure she would have known that.” Now, we’ve no way of knowing if this employee would have been able to reach these targets…she may have been fired for inadequate performance. But if he hadn’t been so “nice”, she would have clearly known the expectations, and had a much clearer picture of what she needed to do. She would have known where the bar was set, and she would have had a clear opportunity to determine if she wanted to reach it. She still may not have had a job, but she would have had a better chance.

It was interesting to watch R. ponder this out loud…and prompted me to further look at how I can choose to be nice to someone, rather than good for someone.

• It’s easy to be nice, it takes courage to be good.
  
•  It’s obvious how to be nice, it takes careful judgement and thoughtful discernment to be good.
  
• It’s safe for oneself to be nice, it can be risky to be good.
  
• Nice looks after the speaker, good looks after the other, and invests in the relationship.
  
• Nice keeps everybody smiling with each other, but the task can get lost in the conversations…while good may challenge the connection between people.
  
• Nice feels warm and fuzzy and a little hollow, good feels real and authentic and vulnerable, and sometimes a little raw.
  
• Nice is what we were taught: “be nice”, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”.
  
• Nice leaves you “up a creek” with few options when the other person is unfair, mean, and rude. 

I talked about these ideas with a group of people last week, and had some interesting discussions after…as people suddenly had a way to articulate an inner tension they had…the desire to have a “nice” conversation with someone but also have a pull to speak truth into a situation in a way that could be hard for the other person to hear.

How do you decide between being “nice” and “good”?

**I apologize for my lack of blogging…my webmaster has been making some changes which means the blog part of the site has a few kinks in it. Hope to have it up and running smoothly very shortly. ☺

Arvid smashed the Guiness record for crossing mainland Canada by bicycle by almost 3 hours.  HE DID IT!!

It wasn't easy for Uncle Arvid...a brutal schedule averaging only 2 hours of sleep per night, and pumping those legs non stop for hours at a time is hard on a body.  On Day 9, he took a calculated but necessary risk:  he would use up the 12 hours of time he was ahead of world record time, and use it to rest--to incline his legs as they were badly swollen. He said it was like riding a bike underwater with casts on them..a daunting task to ride bike like that, never mind after all the miles his body had already put on the bike thus far.

It worked. The swelling reduced and became under control. And he finished…but it still wasn’t easy. He was tired, and there were crosswinds to challenge him, roads full of potholes, and the brutal hills of Quebec and Nova Scotia. He did a 40 hour push at the end to git’er done. It was a tough and long ride.

I followed his website obsessively, tracking his progress across the country, waiting for news of how he was doing. (At the airport, when we talked about this, he told me, with a wink, that those of us pushing "refresh" should "get a life").  His support crew posted videos periodically. The one that caught my eye was this:

 

Arvid Loewen says he won’t quit because too many already have…

My overall goal is to finish this regardless…and these kids have experienced nothing but disappointments from adults in their life…through various circumstances, and not nearly all of it is the fault of the adults either. I don’t think we are in the position where a little inconvenience, a little pain, a little bit of fluid, hills, and challenges, allows us to take that option out…I have no intentions of that. And so for me, I have to struggle on…whatever it takes to get to Halifax.

Arvid Loewen

This blog is about the value of connection…the vitalness of it in all of our lives as human beings. Connection isn’t easy…connection demands commitment. Demonstrated commitment…hanging in there through thick and thin…that means something. When the going gets tough, and connection remains…that’s memorable. And the memory of commitments held during difficult times…well…that changes people. It gives a person a lasting perception of their inherent value as a human being. It implies worth.  When a person knows that someone has hung in there for them...it has them walk a little straighter and taller, and look others in the eye a little straighter.

…[support crew on phone] keep sending notes on the website and any way you can. We read those to Arvid and it is an unbelievable encouragement to him.

Connection and commitment to that connection goes in multiple directions. As Arvid committed himself to making it to the East Coast, his support crew asked us—his friends and family—to commit to sending him notes of encouragement.. I remember a wise mentor telling me that “encouragement is fuel for the soul”. In Arvid’s case, maybe fuel for his legs too. Arvid needed us.  Our commitment to "be there" for him, helped him to "be there" for the children.  He needed to be connected to people even as he was alone on his bike going up one hill after another.

He made it to the East Coast…in record time. And the children of Mully Children’s Family—these children who have had adults quit on them (many through death, poverty, and disease)—know that they have two grandpas who don’t quit on them…Charles Mully and Arvid Loewen.

...to your life partner, your business partner, your child, your BFF...and mean it?

I want to:

• love you without clutching
• appreciate you without judging
• join you without invading
• invite you without demanding
• leave you without guilt
• criticize you without blaming
• and help you without insulting

If I can have the same from you then we can truly meet and enrich each other

Virginia Satir

I listened to Louise Armstrong's song, "It's a Wonderful World" the other day.  I love that song...however, how I hear it was forever changed many years ago...and my brain plays a music video in my head when I hear this song, no matter where I am or what's happening when this song plays:

I can’t help but see the images, particularly around the 35 second mark, whenever I hear this song. Probably been 20 years since I watched this movie, but the images and this song are tied together for me forever. This song is inextricably linked with images of terror, destruction and violence amongst the beautiful and verdant pastoral vistas of VietNam. The local people trying to live their lives, the soldiers trying to get home alive, and the intrusiveness of the violence….all the while the song is playing. A beautiful peaceful song that so harshly contrasts with the images. 

I’ve been thinking about how life is so often mirrored in the complexity and confusingness of the lyrics and melody overlaid by the images. That so much of life can feel so awful and so good, at the same time.

• A job promotion comes with the affirmation of a job well deserved, and an increase in pay…and with it can come increasing responsibility that means more hours and novel tasks which can feel overwhelming
• The birth of a child floods new parents with love and sweetness…and hours of night time crying, interrupted sleeps, and fears of all the things that can go wrong.
• The intimacy of a close relationship creates a safety and comfort…a sort of cuddling closeness that calms and soothes, reassures and restores…creates space for giggles and fun, sharing and openness. And exposes a person to be betrayed, disappointed, hurt, saddened in ways which could never happen if alone.

I was at a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle to Louis Armstrong’s “It’s a Wonderful World”…it was lovely. She was radiant, and had eyes only for her life’s partner as she regally walked towards him. The song had a celebratory beauty to it…but as per usual, in my head, the images of the above video were played alongside the scene in front of me.

And I wondered,

Does she know and understand that there will be dark days ahead? Can she realize, even today, that there will likely be days when she will wonder if she did the right thing to commit her life to this guy?  Maybe cuz he's done the same little annoying thing for the 1000th time...or cuz he wasn't "there" for her at a moment she really really needed him. Can she know that she will weep in agony one day when she is deeply wounded by something he’s done…that a time of significant distancing or conflict is almost inevitable at some point in every marriage? Can she fathom that there will be pain in this relationship even as she is revelling this moment in how wonderful her world is?

Will she be able to remember this moment of hope and promise during a dark day? Will she be able to remember the love and commitment of this day during some day when she wonders if it is all worth it? Will she use the power of this moment to remind herself as energy to carry her through that moment? Will she have the reserve and the resilience that is built up in drips and drops of the beauty of ordinary moments of living together...the giggles over dinner, the feeling of satisfaction after pulling weeds together, leisurely walks around the neighborhood?  Will she be able to use the strength that slowly builds with the beauty of these wonderfully ordinary moment that she and he can dance the minefields of the relationship in a way that sustains them during the tough times?

 

I've often heard of people speaking of a "band aid solution"...and when it is said, it is usually with a note of derision. 

It's a bad thing to have a band aid solution...implies that a person is not addressing the issue at its source, and is

providing a temporary and inadequate solution.

I’m not so sure this is the only way to see it…

I remember a while ago, I was out shopping with my tribe…and we stopped to pick some things up at Zellers. I walked around the car to help, and after a junior tribe member got out, I grabbed the car door and swung it shut. 

It was like it shut in sloooooow motion. I could see junior member tribe’s finger still on the car…right where the door was going to close. I knew it was going to happen…and it was happening too fast to do anything…and for one seemingly endless moment where I was helpless to do anything, I could see that the little fellow’s finger was going to be smashed in the car door because of my actions. I could anticipate it, but I couldn't stop it.

Well…the car door closed. He screamed. I opened it, held him and rocked him. He cried. I cried. I hated knowing my actions had hurt him. Hated that.

While it very much hurt…it was clear that no bone was broken, the skin wasn’t damaged and there was no blood, and he was moving it enough that I could tell there was no serious injury. Whew. 

...but it was red…and I could believe that it hurt.

After a few minutes, we went into Zellers. Junior Tribe Member was still crying and he was still in distress. Duh…he’d had his finger pinched in a car door by someone who is supposed to be taking care of him.

He began asking for a band aid. A band aid.

Yeah, right, like a band aid is going to help a crush injury. Band aids have no inherent pain reducing qualities. Band aids don’t do anything when something has been unnaturally squished. But he wanted a band aid.

I didn’t have a band aid. JTM’s often need band aids, and so along with gum, chapstick, Kleenex, and other essential items that JTM’s often need, I should have a stash of bandaids in my purse…but I didn’t.

His crying wouldn’t stop…and he kept asking for a bandaid.

In desperation, I went to the back of the store to customer services with weeping JTM, and asked somewhat embarrassedly for a band aid. A band aid that wasn’t going to be covering up a wound. A band aid that would be applied to a reddened finger that didn’t need a bandaid.

The customer service person at Zellers, bless her heart, found a band aid in her drawer, and gave it to me. I put it on the finger.

It seemed so silly…this bandaid…it wasn’t going to fix anything.

Except. It. Did.

He stopped crying. He felt better. He enjoyed the rest of the time in the store. It really served an important purpose.

Wasn't sure if I should laugh and find it funny...or if I should be annoyed that something that didn't make any sense, worked?

I remembered this story when I came across these lines from a blog the other day:

My initial thought was to downplay the need for him to seek care for such a meaningless ‘injury.’ But I was also mindful of the hundreds of little “wounds” to his heart, mind and spirit resulting from his past, many of which are all too easy for me to overlook, dismiss or simply ignore. So in that instant I decided to resist my instinct to dismiss and instead rely on the healing power of a simple Band-Aid applied with love by the hands of a father who is learning what it means to become a Band-Aid Dad.

“Here, let me put that on for you. Should we put a little ointment on, too?” I asked.

“Ok, Dad,” he replied as I applied the first aid. “Thanks. That feels much better,” he said with a smile looking directly into my eyes.

“Glad to hear it. You remember – any time you need something, whatever it is, you let me know. That’s what I’m here for. And one more thing – I love you,” I continued.

I am learning that becoming a Band-Aid Dad is a process. It takes practice and it certainly stretches me at times. But the more Band-Aids I apply to my kids’ wounds – both seen and unseen – the more I am convinced that Band-Aids lovingly applied really can heal.

Sometimes, doing something that feels caring and loving and is attentive and doting takes away the pain…it really does. Even if it doesn’t feel like it is logical. Wounded fingers and wounded hearts aren’t often logical. Soothing feels good.

• A husband whose recently had an affair calls home 3 times in an evening he is “out with the guys”…to have her hear the game and the guys in the background…to reassure her that he is where he is. Does it fix anything? Not really…but then again, maybe it does.

• A wife who takes a deep breath, and in the middle of an argument about finances, stops to let her husband know how rich her life is because he is in it. Does it fix the financial stress? Nope. But it does change the way it is perceived and talked about.

I’m no longer skeptical about the power of band aids for children…and I’m believing in them more and more in adults. Sometimes,

• a tense situation,

• an awkward conversation,

• a painful circumstance   

  can benefit from a verbal bandaid that will sooth and comfort and nurture and reassure and remind the other that you take their woundings seriously

Trust and uncommon friendship is always beautiful to witness. It challenges and inspires us to look for connection and allow ourselves to risk trusting another that change lives.

"They harbor no fears, no secrets, no prejudices. Just living two creatures who somehow manage to look past their immense differences....if they can do it, what's our excuse?"

I remember being on the threshold of graduation from university.  While my fellow students and I knew we were fortunate to have the opportunity to attend university, many of us were weary from living on a student budget.  We sat around dreaming about the day was going to be like when we received our first "real" paycheck from working at the career we for which we had studied so hard. In our minds, the first paycheck would mean we had “arrived”. We dreamt about what we would do with that first paycheck. One person…new sweatsocks with no holes…wouldn’t have to wear 2 pairs for one to cover up the holes of the other. Another: a huge block of cheese that she could nibble on every day…a luxury that wasn’t in the student budget. Me: a pair of jeans that fit the best, not the ones that were prudent because of the sale price. It just seemed like life would be SO well…different, once we were working, and didn’t have to save for textbooks, study each evening, and could dream about purchasing things that were only fantasies for a student. It would be a sort of utopia, we felt.

We graduated. We got jobs. We could buy stuff we couldn’t before. And life went on. It was somewhat different…but I was still me, my life was still my life, and I didn’t arrive at some level of instant happiness. The “stuff” and the release of the financial pressure didn’t transform my existence like I naively imagined it would (course I was a lot younger and a lot more naïve back then…so cut me some slack on this, please)

So, when I saw Tom Shadyac in an interview recently, and he talked about the significance of walking into a Los Angeles mansion that he had purchased as a hugely successful movie director that was on top of the director’s heap (having done comedies like Liar, Liar; Bruce Almighty)…and realizing that it didn’t make him happier, and that it didn’t lead to the feeling of utopia that he had been led to believe would happen….well…it resonated with me. He now lives in a mobile home…with neighbors close by, living in community.

I haven’t seen the movie he wrote out of the spiritual journey he has been on and the lessons he has learned and wants to pass on…but I want to. 

What he discovered revolves around three key concepts that are explored in I Am:

1. It is scientifically proven that the entire human race is connected.
2. It is human nature to be cooperative rather than competitive.
3. If you don't do what your heart wants you to do and follow your passion, it will destroy you.

This video acknowledges the importance of people connecting to each other…how vital and life giving that is. Connecting with people gives life…stuff doesn’t. Being in relationships that are cooperative and collaborative that give you the feeling that you are involved in something bigger than you are, is “wow”…stuff doesn’t give that feeling.

We are more interconnected with each other at a fundamental level than people realize or previously thought

The truth of who we are is that who we are is because of who we belong

Bishop Desmond Tutu

 

The science shows us that we are all connected…deep connections at a deep level…this is the most profound discovery….we are born to be our brother’s keeper…this is the emerging story…we are far grander than what we’ve been told.

I Am movie trailer

The movie looks at how science is proving how connected we all are…how we are hardwired to cooperate with each other because of intimate, close, vital, life giving connections. The trailer looks interesting. If anybody has seen it, let us know in an comment!