Topic: Going to Counselling

People trust their hairdresser to cut their hair, and their mechanic to fix their car, Bergen points out. Why wouldn't they trust a counsellor with the things that are troubling them?
"It's okay to seek help and to seek resources from somebody who knows something about an area that you don't," says Bergen, who has been a counsellor for 14 years and has owned her own private practice, Bergen and Associates Counselling, for the past 12.
"I consider the client the expert of their story, and I consider myself somewhat of an expert of the process. So, the client and I can work together to look at something that they can't do on their own."

from the article:
Depression in the Darkest Months

I had a great conversation chatting with Aaron Epp, a journalist with Christian week the other day, about the difficulties of January/February, and the challenge generally that folks have in seeing a counsellor.

My experience is that many are surprised by how much they enjoy the counselling experience...I'm not sure that it's "fun"...but it feels good, sorta like getting a massage that might have painful moments, but in the end, you know you feel better.

Clients tell me that it was more like a normal conversation than they thought it would be, and that they left with a fresh way to think of things...which is often particularly surprising as the issue has been likely swirling around in the brain this way and that for months.

It takes courage to go to a counsellor...to do so means to expose one's vulnerabilities with another...often in a way that one has been avoiding for a long time...which actually can perpetuate the problem.

I honor and admire folk who choose to invest in themselves and their relationships by working at "stuff" deliberately with a trained professional.

From Brene Brown, an expert on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and joy:

I worked hard on my flower beds this weekend...given the rain we've had the last couple of days, it seemed like this would give them a good soak right after they got planted...and if I waited for the sunshine, it might be a long while before I could get into the dirt, given the rainfall that was forecasted for days to come.

I’d put off the spring gardening for a while…some of it due to schedule…and some of it due to bugs. I hate bugs. I avoid bugs, as well as activities that provide exposure to bugs. But I do like flowers…even more than I hate bugs…so I took a deeep breath, put on gloves to create a barrier between the bugs and I, and launched into the weeding, and preparing the earth.

As I was gardening, I was reminded of the work I do as a therapist…the logo of Bergen and Associates Counselling is that of a seed in the dirt…with the reality that a seed planted in the cold wet mud is an uncomfortable, painful, and broken place to be…and yet ironically, are ideal conditions for growth. The years of working with clients (and being a client myself, on occasion) have taught me how difficult it is to be in painful situations…and yet that pain is often the catalyst to face things that have been “under the radar” and not explored. A richness and healing comes that wasn’t a possibility before.

So…as I was planting the flowers this weekend, I was faced with a tough choice. My friend who has super great success with planting a garden fit for a queen has told me how she, after planting all the flowers, she pinches off every last little bloom on the baby plants. 

OUCH!!

That hurts just typing it.

It’s counterintuitive really…to plant flowering plants because of the desire to see the beautiful blooms, and the moment they are first planted, to take every last flowering bit and nip it off. 

I think it’s just wrong.

 I dislike this more than I dislike bugs (which is saying a lot!).

But she does this with a purpose…when the first blooms are plucked off, it allows energy that would normally go into those first flowers to instead go into developing the root system. It also encourages growth of more little branches and stems…plants that have those first flowers plucked off when planted end up with fuller, bushier plants that bear more flowers. In the big picture, pinching those early blooms is worth it. 

Only thing is, after a loooooong winter with months of “white” outside, my Winterpeg eyes are starved for color…and so pinching those first beautiful purple, pink and yellow flowers is something that goes against everything in me. So, when I planted the plants, I debated. To pluck or not to pluck, that is the question.

But I did it…a deep breath (each time) and I pinched those little beautiful babies off. (OK, I kept the few buds on, rationalizing that because they weren’t in full flowers they didn’t count.)

And then today, as I walked by the basil, I pinched the top leaves off each branch…again because of the promise of a fuller plant.

As I did so (because I’m a contemplative therapist, and I am a little nerdy when it comes to quietly doing things with my hands allowing me lots of time to think), I was reminded of the courage of clients, who come to therapy prepared to grow. The pain of ________ (anxiety, depression, a conflicted marriage, etc.) is cold wet uncomfortable and painful soil. They come to therapy for relief from the ruts they find themselves in, looking for solace and comfort with a therapist.

Yet, many of them, in the process of exploring and discussing the different layers of their inner experience, find themselves feeling like the blossoms are being plucked.

And guess who the bloom-plucking gardener is? Moi. Yours truly.

For the record, I take no delight in people experiencing pain in the counselling room. It is truly hard to watch. Painful as clients and I collectively take a deep breath, and look at something from a unique angle to gain a better understanding….and doing so, creates an initial experience of further pain.

• It’s so much easier to blame others…it hurts to see one’s unique role in perpetuating a painful cycle.

• It’s so much easier to just focus on “mad”…when the reason for that “mad” is a huge “sad”…and looking at and acknowledging the reality of the “sad” hurts. A lot.

• It hurts to be vulnerable and say things that are true and real, but have been deliberately hidden from a spouse…not even because they are so awful, but because it’s scary to be so very open…gosh, those risk taking events are bloom-plucking experiences if there ever were any.

Many who read this have been or are clients who have been in counselling…and you are probably aware of how these painful blossom-pinching experiences hurt. It stings to leave a session where you have begun exploring a new level of understanding of something that you’ve avoided for a long time. When counselling is supposed to "make you feel better", and you leave a session feeling worse...that's no fun...yuck.

Just want to let you know that I, and many I’ve spoken to in my professional over the years, well…we admire the courage you have. Please know that we take no pleasure in nipping off blooms…but we are committed to doing so, if you let us know that this is why you’ve come. We honor the chutzpah you have in being willing to risk with us…and we don’t take that honor lightly. We are aware of how there are times when, in the short term, therapy hurts. However, we don’t shy away from this, and will continue to do so…because we have walked this road, and believe it to be worth it in the big picture. 

The discoveries, and the growth, and the greater healing are worth it. We know the pinching hurts, and we endeavor to do some “first aid” to support the pain that the therapy itself can create, to do it at a pace and level that is tolerable…but we don’t avoid conversations that may result in pain-with-a-purpose…to do so would be taking care of our own comfort, and not honoring you with the right for the very best opportunity to gain maximal benefit from therapy.

So, I will continue to be in conversations where clients will feel plucked and pruned at times…but will have an even greater awareness of it after my ponderin’ of it this weekend in my garden. I don’t take the work of therapy lightly.  Let a therapist know when something hurts...and ensure that the pain is serving a valuable purpose, and that you have resources to deal with it...and know the therapist is very aware of how the work of therapy itself can create pain.  We do so gently and carefully and thoughtfully, and deliberately...and with great respect.

Going to counselling is tough.  In fact, so tough, that many people avoid it as long as possible.  For many, that means counselling happens once things are "past the point of no return".  It's unfortunate...because that actually can give counselling a bad rap...when people go only as they are already packing their bags to leave the marriage it isn't surprising that therapy doesn't help.  Therapy doesn't force people to do anything against their will.

It takes courage to begin therapy.  Lots of it.  Many are unfamiliar with the process, and are worried about what is going to happen in a session--concerned that they will be made uncomfortable by being asked to do or say something that would feel violating or intrusive.

This is a good article about one couples experience in counselling.  It is from a British magazine, written from the wife's perspective.  I like the article because it feels like an accurate snapshot of the sort of work we do at Bergen and Associates Counselling...the way in which the counsellor helps them explore their relationship, to reconnect with themselves and with each other, to see things from another perspective that allows both partners to speak accurately with gentleness to each other.  The counsellor's work with this couple allows them  to make decisions that realign themselves and their values.  The couple's rediscover the love they have for each other, and the desire they have to be together--not because they were told what to do, but because, with the counsellor's help, they discover what was there but was hidden...what they've known all along but forgotten...what was rock solid and present but buried beneath the pain, busy-ness and chaos of life.

From the husband's perspective:

Counselling was a totally different experience to what I expected.
I had ideas about being lectured but soon realised it was nothing like that.
In our first session, I remember looking at Lisa and thinking I didn't even know her any more. It was like listening to a stranger and I felt desperate.
The counsellor was the catalyst for turning that around and getting us back to the happy place we're at now. They are there to help, not judge you.
Changing things isn't easy but with their help you can do it together.
I feel like Lisa and I learnt so much about each other and ourselves - I only wish we had got help sooner.
If your car breaks down you'd take it to a mechanic and if your heating breaks you'd call a plumber.
Relationships are no different. If it's broken don't be scared of getting professional help to fix it.

Please know that when you come to counselling as an individual or a couple:

• you do not have to say or do anything you do not want to say or do
• you can tell the therapist when something is awkward or uncomfortable
• it is part of the counsellor's role to ensure that the session occurs in a way that adjusts and accomodates to your style of talking and processing
• you have the right to ask questions at any time in the therapy to understand the direction or the goals or anything else in therapy
• you have the ability to let the therapist know "how you roll"...that you like to just talk, that you like more questions from the therapist, or whatever
• you can give the therapist feedback about what you think you need to make the process more successful and more tolerable

The therapist will have ideas about how to talk about things...it is, after all, our job to work with you on this.  But counselling is a collaborative process that takes your personal style as an important factor in shaping the therapy to make it work well for you.

Some days have neat moments when things come together and the world just feels like it's a good place to be.  It sort of makes a deep giggle come from somewhere in me--it's not that anything is particularly funny, bur rather just profoundly delightful. It's not even that big of a deal, except that it is.

I had one of those moments yesterday. Stephanie Albiani, one of the therapists that works together with me, rapped on the doorpost yesterday as she was passing by, asking if she could chat for a few minutes. 

She wanted to let me know that clients had been noticing the bulletin board in the waiting room. It’s not easy to wait for a counselling session, and in recognition of that, we have a bulletin board with thoughtful quotes, cartoons, community resources and short articles we’ve come across and think people might find interesting. I or others find things that we think would be meaningful and we send them to Melanie. Melanie and Rebecca change it up regularly so people that come weekly can usually find something they haven’t looked at before. Stephanie wanted to let me know that clients are appreciating what they see on that bulletin board. It occupies people during what can feel like tense moments before they enter a session. The quotes engage people as they begin to think about what they will talk about in light of some of the wisdom we’ve captured from the elders of this world. The thoughts on the bulletin board can find their way into discussion in session. Stephanie didn’t provide me with any examples, just an overall expression of how the bulletin board was helpful to the people that come to see her.  She went on to talk about how the waiting room can make anxious moments before a counselling session easier for people…the fountain, paint color on the walls, the candies, the magazines, the water dispenser and so on. She let me know that she felt the people that were coming to see her started feeling “understood” in what they might need even before she said hello. People notice that when they come in during the day, Melanie (or on Wednesdays, Rebecca) greets them. Often there is some pleasant chatting…many are familiar with Melanie as the initial appointment was arranged with her. Stephanie continued letting me know that she was just telling me this because she thought I had a hand in this, and simply wanted to let me know the value that it had for people—and therefore, also herself. As she was talking about the contribution of Melanie and Rebecca, she said to herself, “I think I’m gonna have to try to remember to tell them too.” Encouragement for encouragement’s sake—what a way to brighten my day! While I SO appreciated her making the effort to notice what we have created in the waiting room, recognizing how stressful going to counselling is for many clients, I was not all that surprised. This reinforced something I have just been discovering...In prep for a blog entry about the fear many people have in anticipating therapy, I have left out a box where people who come for therapy can choose to leave some comments about how their experience of therapy on return sessions was different than when they first came. A few talked about their internal experience of anxiety…most seemed to use it as an opportunity to let me know how nice it was to see a smiling face in the waiting room, or to notice the quotes on the bulletin board etc. It’s always been important to me that the waiting room will be a precursor that will be consistent with what hopefully will be a positive experience in the counselling room. I had a feeling it was…but I’ve been finding out very recently that it is an even more important part of the overall therapy experience than what I might have guessed.

It’s sort of that feeling of hoping that guests feel welcome when they come to your home…and then they help themselves to the milk in the fridge which demonstrates how comfortable they feel—and that feels great.

So, yesterday, I got a multiple whammy…

• someone—Stephanie—went out of her way to encourage me for no other reason than to give me positive feedback--how nice is that!
  
• I was pleasantly reminded about how great the people are that I get to work with,
  
• I found out that something that I’ve worked on together with Melanie and Rebecca is actually having the effect I had hoped it would, and
  
• I get to look forward to knowing that the admin staff will hear from her about how great a job they are doing

It’s not that big of a deal, except that it is.

Had a great therapists meeting on Saturday.  The therapists at Bergen and Associates Counselling get together every so often for lunch on a Saturday.  After going over the mundane usual matters (clean up your dishes, this is where the new form is kept, blah, blah, blah), we spent some time talking with each other about the Feedback Enhanced Therapy (FET) that we use.  While some of us have been using it for a while, everybody has been using this system for about 3 months now, and it was a chance to explore therapists’ experiences of what it is like.

The literature has found that not only does FET increase the effectiveness of therapy, it also substantially decreases the possibility of counselling having a negative outcome. Unfortunately, while our field has been really good at researching improving the positive outcomes for clients, our profession hasn’t always looked at the other end of the continuum to see if we are harming people and making them worse. Feedback Enhanced Therapy catches possible harm very quickly, and allows us to make appropriate changes or to find the right resources for the person before significant damage occur.  To me, that's a huge relief as a therapist...it's not a comfortable feeling knowing that statistically therapy harms a small percentage of people, and having no way to catch that and prevent it. Research has shown that it increases the likelihood of divorce prevention when working with couples, can double the effect size of therapy for individuals…all with a brief inventory that takes less than a minute at the beginning and end of session. More and more research is emerging all the time that says FET is substantially significant.

Of course, it’s not just taking the inventory—anymore than merely owning a vaccum cleaner would ensure you have clean carpets. The significant thing is to use the information gleaned from the Feedback Enhanced Process and use it to adjust what is happening in the counselling to make it more beneficial.

So…what I was really interested in hearing was what it was like for the therapists to incorporate Feedback Enhanced Therapy into their work.  Are we using the process to impact on therapy--are we allowing it to make a difference in our work with clients? It was a fun conversation. (No one makes specific reference to clients to breech any confidentiality), but each therapist talked how they have made FET their own.  What came up:

• For some clients and therapists who “click” immediately and almost effortlessly, and the FET reinforces that this, has in fact happened. 
• When we work with couples or families, and we as therapists need to work to make the experience effective for more than each person--a tricky challenge when sessions are an hour, and there is so much to talk about.  FET allows us to check in with each person each session in a way that enhances therapy rather than derails it. Each person’s experience of therapy and the effect it is having on that person is valued. Of course, all therapy seeks to value the experience of therapy for each person, and the effect it has…but FET allows us to give more than “lip service” to the idea. 
  
• FET allows us to check in with each person at the end of a session, and figure out what it takes to “get it right”, so that the next session is launched in the right direction from the “get go”.
• When things aren’t going well, it gives opportunity and space for a client to say that something isn’t working, and the therapist and client can figure out the proper change of course. 
• Sometimes it allows for a profound review of what happened in the session as the feedback allows for a time of reflection which further solidifies important “change moments” of the therapy. 

Feedback Enhanced Therapy has allowed very clear "course direction changes" for me that have allowed me to feel like I can be more effective with the people I work with.

• I know that FET has at various times prompted me to be more direct with clients who desire it.
• We changed appointment length from 60 to 90 minutes upon mutual agreement to allow for a client’s style.  Some people just need more time than 60 minutes to "warm up, work, and wrap up". 
  
• It’s taught me that with some clients the action of hearing themselves process aloud in the presence of another is what is most beneficial and so there are times when attentive listening and “being a mirror” is the way I can be most helpful.
  
• When we have had a difficult session that has really poked at a person's soul (e.g. looked candidly at the effects of drinking alcohol on their lives), it has given us a way to talk about how even really hard and painful sessions can have value.  It also lets us figure out what to do with the conversation and the "sting" that remains at the end of session.
  

I get to find these things out via FET. I am a better therapist with each client because the individual client and I teach each other how to enhance the therapy via this feedback.

No one would go to the store and buy the exact same pair of shoes as everyone else if they had no shoes—why would we think every client would benefit from the exact same approach with the therapist. FET allows the therapist to “adjust the size, model and material of the therapy” to get each person the result that will "fit" their sole soul.  (Sorry that pun was really corny)

I’m thrilled with how much this has enhanced our ability to work effectively with clients…I believe (and the research literature backs this up) that this will allow clients to get more improvement than they might otherwise have, and it will happen faster. 

Therapy—it’s all about helping people remove the barriers that interfere with them living the lives they were created to live…anything that we can do to do this better is great. 

With a few trips to the electronics store, and a little trial and error, me and mine (well, mostly the "mine", to tell the truth) have figured out how to make and upload videos.   I'm kinda liking how it turned out.

Although I'm a bit of an introvert by nature, and being in front of the camera is not on my top 10 list of things to do, it's my goal to get more comfortable with it, and to challenge myself in the endeavor.  A lot of our clients are quite apprehensive about the whole counselling thing, and may avoid it.  They don't avoid it because they don't have the money, or the time, or the need--but because it makes them uncomfortable and they dread doing something new that they have never done before.  They worry they might not do it right, or might be laughed at, or might freeze up or...or...or.... So, I figure it's not fair for me to expect clients to do anything in coming to session that I wouldn't do myself...so I pushed myself to try this video thing.

It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and....I did it! (with a LOT of help.  Thanx, A!)

The iPads have arrived...and with it, our official launch of feedback enhanced therapy. They are so much fun to use, and learning how to use them has been a breeze...here is Jen Tan, one of our therapists, trying one out:


I got a call from Dr. Eric Kuelker, a psychologist with Mental Health Pros, last fall.  He called to tell me about a   the largest mental health portal on the web.  In addition to allowing clients full access to written information, video and audio seminars, mental health inventories, and the like, it also allows clients access to a secure and private electronic journal for them to organize their thoughts prior to a session.  This journal can be for a client's own use, or the client can allow the therapist to see it prior to the session to allow the session to be focused on the target at the launch of a session.

The most significant factor of Mental Health Pros is that it allows therapists to check in with therapists to see how they are doing, and how they are perceiving therapy.  Our new iPads allow the therapist and client to use less than a minute at the beginning and end of each session to do a "check".  The research speaks to the incredible ability of this to allow the therapist to adjust and tweak the approach to maximize the effectiveness of therapy for each client.

No two people are alike.  If you have more than one child,  you know that what works for one child, and is generally recognized to be an effective strategy for parenting, may not work for the other child.  One infant may want to be held upright, another held tight on his belly, or loosely on her back.  One student benefits from written instructions, another by talking themselves throught it; one by repetition, another by creative problem solving.  One employee benefits from watching others for a while, another learns best by jumping right in and learning by experience.  Different strategies have varying degrees of effectiveness because we're all different. And because we're all different, what works for each person in counselling is also different.

Therapists have long recognized this, and seek to work with each client, adjusting their approach.  However, historically, we've done this haphazardly, by working to "read" our clients' preferences without overt discussion, and sometimes in the intense work of counselling, it can be overlooked.

At Bergen and Associates, we take research seriously, and the evidence is solid.  We need to take a look at how clients are perceiving the effectiveness of therapy, and how well the therapist is working with them.  The evidence is clear, has been replicated in repeated double blind studies (the "gold standard" for research):

• Improvement in a person's functioning is greater when close attention is paid to how well the client feels the therapy is progressing.  This was measured by therapists dividing their caseloads in half...one half were asked for verbal feedback as per usual, and one half completed the objective outcomes. The clients that provided objective feedback had on average, double the amount of positive change, than those who did not.
  
• When therapists use outcome measures with couples, they report a greater sense of happiness in their marriage than when it is not used.  This sense of greater marital satisfaction continues to hold 8 months after therapy has ended.
• Researchers looked at the separation rate of couples...what difference did objectively measuring feedback make? When therapists got regular objective feedback from each spouse during therapy versus the control group who did not get this feedback, it was significantly different.  The number of couples who had separated in the six months after therapy was cut in half when they were in the group who were able to increase the effectiveness of therapy with objective feedback.

Dr. Kuelker didn't have to convince me on the importance of getting a good working alliance with my clients.  I teach students at the University of Manitoba, and I spend time each year with them, showing the evidence that says that this is the single most important factor to a successful outcome.  What I was a little skeptical about was how much difference such brief objective measures could make to the outcome of therapy.  I needed to see for myself...and so I tried this system out for myself.

I have been using this system for the last 10 months or so.  I have become convinced that this has made me a better therapist, allowed me to work more effectively with each client, and has allowed clients that I work with to be able to move more effectively into their future. It creates possibilities for more effective conversations.  It allows clients to let me know how we can make adjustments so that sessions work better. It aknowledges that clients have an important role in helping establish the rhythm and style of the session.  It recognizes that each individual and couple will have a slightly different preferred way of doing therapy--and it allows the client to help shape what that looks like.

I am aware that clients invest significant resources and are willing to risk becoming very vulnerable with us--we have a HUGE obligation to provide the very best experience and outcome possible for each client.

I take this seriously, and we are now set up to have each new client be enrolled in the Mental Health Pros system, with all of its advantages.

All of the therapists are now using this system with new clients. It's a new era for Bergen and Associates.  The recent release of the iPad is great timing for us (well, except the loooong wait for these little delights to arrive--they were on serious back order--but they finally came last week)...it facilitates the completion of the tools on a system that is easy for all clients to use.  Mental Health Pros is a secure site that holds the information for us, and graphs the results so instantly both client and therapist (and referring physician if the client wishes) can see what difference the therapy is making in a person's life.  If something isn't working, and we can see that, we can very quickly make decisions about how best to proceed.

Of course, if a client prefers to do therapy without this resource, this will certainly be respected.  Our goal is to provide you with the best experience possible...and your input and wishes shape this experience "from the ground up"--if you are not comfortable with this, then please let us know.

I'm excited about this enhanced ability to work even more effectively with clients.

Not long ago, I was finishing up with a client* that I worked with for a few months.  We used the formal objective feedback measures, adjusting and tweaking as we went along.  At the end of our last session, she said, "I feel lighter leaving here now than when I came in, in the beginning.  Really, I feel lighter.  I feel like I got a monkey off my back during the time I was here."  With a sparkling wink, she asked, "Is it OK for me to leave that monkey here?" 

My response:  "Absolutely, leave it here.  We've got a closet specifically for holding monkeys. "

*This client offered permission to use parts of her story in ways that would be helpful to others. 

Yesterday' America's Got Talent show had an act that auditioned for it that caught my ear.  I love a capella singing at the best of times, but this one melted me.

It's not easy to be a military veteran, trying to assimilate back into North American culture after having witness the atrocities of war, after being in an environment of constant danger for months on end, after having to make life and death decisions in a split second, after being apart from all the comforts of home and exposed to conditions of people living in extreme poverty and oppression.  A lot of veterans struggle with aculturating once they get back home...some of them more visibly then others.  New Directions is a homeless shelter in Los Angeles which specifically serves the homeless veteran.

A group of veterans from that organization formed a choir--they have successfully fought back from homelessness.  In response to the question, "What do you hope to achieve by appearing on America’s Got Talent", their spokesperson stated:

We want to let all the other people know, all of the other veterans, especially the active duty armed forces that it’s OK for a warrior to seek help.

This group is inspiring and magical...caught a lump in my throat listening to them, enjoying their music, and celebrating their triumph.

What the experience at "America's Got Talent" means to them is:

What it means to us, is that there was a period of time where you might not wanted to see us coming. But the fact is now…This shows what change can do , and that people can change.

I think their group would agree that it's not only OK for a warrior to seek help, but it's also OK for the self-sufficient business executive to seek help, it's OK for the tough auto-mechanic to seek help, it's OK for the tough-as-nails climb-to-the-top ambitious female lawyer, it's OK for the mother of 3 preschoolers who has trouble finding a moment to herself, and it's OK for all those who-want-help-but-are-concerned-it-will-have-them-seem-weak-or-whiny to seek help.  It's hard to seek help, but if it's OK for warriors, it can be OK for you, too.

If you need help, it's OK to seek it.

I'm a student of the therapy profession.  I love to know what makes an therapist an exceptional one, what a therapist does that is helpful, that gives a person hope, that has the person believing enough after the first session that it feels worthwhile to come back.  Therapy is a risky venture as a person dares to talk about that which is hardest to talk about.  There are a whole lot of reasons NOT to go to therapy.  So, while I wonder what can make the difference to have a person decide to go to therapy in the first place, I wonder even more what has them decide, after the initial meeting, to continue.

I came across this blog entry, written by Darlene Ouimet, chronicling her own journey:

I found fresh hope one day when sitting across from a new therapist talking about the hopelessness that was me; In my intake session I told him that I had the best life, the most wonderful husband, 3 great kids and was living my dream on a big farm/ranch riding my horse, but for some reason I had no reason to live. I thought that my family would be better off without me. I was tired, frustrated and heading for my third serious depression in 5 years. The last two depressions had lasted for almost 2 years each. I was terrified of antidepressants since I’d had a terrible withdrawal experience the last time I had taken them. The only stone left unturned that I knew of was that I had not followed through on the therapy for the dissociated identity disorder that I had been diagnosed with when I was in my mid twenties. I had decided to make one last attempt at dealing with that.
I caught just a glimmer of something different in the methods this therapist was using. He didn’t just listen to me, he reacted to me. He winced when I asked if it “was normal for a mother to put her tongue in her 9 year old daughter’s mouth?” He assured me that this was not “normal” and it was in that moment that I knew this therapy would be different. Not because of what he said though, because he winced. Other therapists had never reacted to that question. It was what I later realized was my “test question” and I was not going to tell absolutely everything if I wasn’t going to get an idea if this stuff was just run of the mill no big deal stuff or if something really wrong had happened to me. I had been raised to believe after all, that my life and my upbringing was better than most.
That glimmer of hope is what kept me going week after week, dumping some of the most difficult stories, and being validated by my therapist who was sometimes moved to tears. He showed his disgust for the things that happened to me. He assured me that it was not my fault, but more importantly than that, he showed me why I thought it was my fault, and then he helped me to see why it was not my fault. This was the beginning of my emerging from broken and into to a life of wholeness and splendid mental health beyond anything I had ever hoped for. (bold mine)

I love that Darlene's therapist was not only a professional, but he was profoundly human.  His transparency and authenticity that showed through let her know that she was a real person to him, and he was going to allow himself to be impacted.  The work they did was "soul to soul" work, and not some formulaic "nod and affirm" approach.  The comments after this blog entry are a dialogue of struggling people sharing their difficulty at finding such a therapist, or the incredible blessing such a therapist had been.

If you've had a bad experience with a therapist, don't throw out the possibility of working through your issues with another human being.  Having a caring companion to walk through the dark shadows of the soul is healing in itself, in addition to the significant possibilities of meaningful work happening.  Do the research, find someone who you've heard good things about, ask questions--dare to allow someone to react to your story in a way that has you look differently at it.