There are times when something works, but isn't a sustainable realistic solution.Think about that. 

One of my favorite questions, which usually gets a good chuckle in therapy, is "So...how's that workin'for ya?"

I was at Costco a few weeks ago, when a Good Samaritan passing by let me know that the passenger side rear tire was low. I don’t go around that side of the car really, and so I really appreciated his noticing and telling me.

Well, he was being polite. It wasn’t just low, I think it was close to flat. I drove slowly and carefully to the Coop gas station close by, and they filled it up for me. They checked to make sure it had the right pressure. Let me know I should check it frequently over the next while in case it had a slow leak…the other tires had normal pressure when we made sure they were OK.

I checked several times over the next few days and it looked OK…for a while. About 5 days later, the pressure had dropped to about a 1/3 of what it should be. Went to another gas station, and filled it up again.

Next day…visibly lower. Looked for a gas station…and well, by now you know the drill. I did the predictable. Filled it up with air. Good to drive. Safe to drive. Good to go.

Except this was getting to be a bit of a pain. I was starting to drive slowly by gas stations to check to see if they had an air machine. My thoughts while driving, even while listening to the news, or singing tunes, or chatting with the person beside me, frequently went to that passenger side tire. Was it low? When had I last checked? Was I being overly pessimistic and concerned? Was I being overly optimistic and had overlooked the sponginess of the tire? I started circling the car every time I got in.

The car was safe to drive, but this was not the way to live. The tire was where it should be—it was full and operational—but the strategy I was using was costly. It increased my vigilance, created hassle as I searched for the tire guage and found a pump. It worked but it wasn’t really working.

How well was it workin' for me?  Not so much.

I took it in to Midas, and the great people there had it fixed in an hour. They found a nail. They patched it.  Done. 

I might have just kept filling the tire with air when it needed it. Would’ve been cheaper financially. Would’ve been more expensive to my mental and physical health—today it’s cold—who wants to be filling tires in this weather! 

By now, you get that this isn’t really about tires.

I work with couples who have been filling the air in the tires of their marriage desperately…trying to make the car move forward safely, but at great personal cost. It’s not easy to address a marital flat tire with bandaids, though I’ve heard stories of people trying…and putting in a ton of effort for not-a-lot of results.

• A husband sees his wife is disgruntled and so starts working hard to bring in more income—take the financial stress off to make her happier. It sorta works…she’s happy when she gets new shoes, or buys the new sofa, but then the disgruntlement returns…

• A wife sees her husband pulling away and is distant. She buys a new negligee, gets a babysitter, and gives him a night he won’t soon forget. He likes it…a lot…but it doesn’t last.

I’ve worked with individuals too, who solve slow leaks in the tires of the lives in ways other than finding the leak. They bump along with a strategy that makes it better for a bit…

• go shopping,

• go on-line to a porn site,

• drink too much,

• or _____________ (filling the blank)

but ultimately leaves them feeling lonely and empty…and back where they started…the tire of life is still flat.

One of the things that has been more gratifiying than anything as a therapist is to work with someone who recognizes that

A) there is a problem, and

B) that the strategies they have used to address the problem aren’t effective, and

C) are looking for creative and original solutions that don’t provide a temporary reprieve from the problem, but actually remove the issue as something that is creating them distress.

To watch a person discover the strategy that is has long term satisfaction is, well, is FUN!! I love my job at those moments. The patch cost $22...the air was free.  In the long run, when I measure my quality of life, the patch was immeasurably cheaper. Sure, that solution costs some in dollars if you’re going to see a therapist, but think of the way a person can relax, and er, stop spinning their tires and get moving (sorry, pun was intended!).

It’s not easy going to a therapist. Sometimes us therapists need to really feel what that is like. Being vulnerable and doing some strange in an unfamiliar environment. That’s a tall order and therapists really need to “get it”.

Last week I finished off the fall teaching with my students at the University of Manitoba. The students read textbooks, listened to lectures, practiced with each other, and generally, made some remarkable progress in learning to listen more effectively, and communicate that improved listening. It’s fun to watch students get excited, and not only realize how these skills will make them better therapists, but change the way they talk to their girlfriends, husbands, kids, and parents. It’s powerful stuff.

These students are in a rigorous course of study…they work hard, with many assignments, and many hours of reading and research. And so much of the learning, while important, is “head knowledge”. The end of stressful term was a good time for a little experiential learning that actually is a whole lotta fun.

We played “Bite the Bag”… (if you are looking for a fun game to play at a family gathering this Christmas, I’m letting you in on a great idea). It’s simple, and deceptively fun…and a profound experience to process.

Take a paper bag (those aren’t easy to find these days…I got mine from the local Chinese take out down the block)—and put in on the floor in the middle of the participants. There are a very few rules…each person takes a turn reaching down to grab the bag with his/her teeth and then stands up. Only the person’s feet are allowed to touch the ground…if anything else touches the ground, the person is “out”. Sounds easy. It is…at first. But when a person has bitten the bag, they rip of where their mouth touched the bag.

Picture that. 

It gets shorter.

And the task gets more challenging as the bag gets shorter.

And shorter.

And shorter.

Until the final round when they attempt to pick up a piece of candy from the flat square of what used to be the bottom of the bag.

It’s a game of balance, flexibility, agility, patience, and strategy. And it’s a total HOOT!

So here these students are leaning way over, their butts high up in the air, carefully trying to balance (while many are experiencing the constraints of denim which challenges their flexibility), doing a game they have never done before while fellow budding therapists are watching them.

There’s tentative looks, silent gazing pleas to me to somehow tell them I’m not serious, or that I’ll let someone “off the hook”.

There’s the awkward pulling down of the shirts as clothing starts to ride up—the wrapping of sweaters around the waist to cover up gaps when bending over. There’s nervous giggles with frequent proclamations of “I don’t think I can do this” (immediately prior to successfully biting the bag).

There’s lots of laughter…it is fun. Their classmates are supportive, and students who are pale with the hours of study, start to color a bit with all the giggling. They tease, encourage, cajole, and toss out ideas. And eventually, even the most reluctant are quite caught up in the energy of the room—and those who predicted early failure are suddenly incredibly committed to go “all the way”. 

At the end, feeling a little exhilarated, we talk about it. And they discuss what they learned:

• It’s hard to do something you’ve never done before, and you don’t know how to do it when someone is watching you.
• It’s not easy to be vulnerable in front of people you’re not used to being vulnerable with.
• “Performing” something new at someone else’s command is intimidating when others are watching you to see how you do it.
• It’s difficult to try hard at something you’ve never done before and you’re worried that you’ll fail when someone is watching.

I ask them to remember this when they see clients on their placements in the new year.

I ask them what else they’ve learned through the game and they tell me:

• Sometimes even when a task seems scary, with support and people who understand the situation, it actually isn’t so bad.
• When you start something off in a way that’s not too hard, and it gradually gets harder, you can actually go a lot farther and be a lot more successful than you might have originally predicted.
• A big part of going farther than one would think is possible is having the support and encouragement of people who make it “safe” to try
• “Risking one’s dignity” isn’t as quite as hard when the people around are supportive
• The method of success is something each person gets to figure out for themselves…there is no “one right way”. People tried out suggested strategies and figured it out for themselves.
• It’s actually quite satisfying to try something new and have some success.

 All of these are lessons I hope these budding therapists take with them as they begin the task of working with clients. 

I suspect that there are some people reading this that sense a need to talk to someone but can’t quite imagine picking up the phone, walking into the counselling office and to start talking. It’s really hard to start counselling. It takes courage. For some, it means bucking stereotypes that have been ingrained—“real men don’t share vulnerably”, “Therapy is for sissies”, “Therapy will just blame your mother”. It’s not hard to come up with barriers that can seem to legitimately justify not seeing a counsellor.

Please know that if you go to see a qualified counsellor (do the research to make sure you've got a qualified one!), s/he will be aware that this is new for you, that you will likely want and need to start off tentatively to feel it out. Please know that as you become more comfortable, it is likely that you will be able to talk more freely about more things in a deeper way than you could anticipate prior. Please know that it feels good to work some things out in your own way, to develop strategies and ways of relating to others that are effective. 

If you are experiencing challenges and someone has suggested counselling and you’re thinking about, “give it a go”. Please know that your therapist will know that this is hard for you, and will honor your efforts. If you’re not convinced…print this out, and show it to them on your first visit…and tell them that you’re swallowing hard, breathing deep and taking the risk—and you need the support to do it.

Adversity brings out the best in many.  One of the privileges of counselling clients is that I regularly have the honor of watching men and women triumph over challenges:

• refusing to let a marriage that is on life support die.  A spouse digs deep and breathes deep and with hesitation and even a healthy dose of skepticism--reaches out and offers the proverbial olive branch
• a woman faces the nightmares that her body remembers, and faces the terror down--and for the first time, it begins to dissipate
• a man dares to look at himself candidly for the first time, looking past the bravado and the anger, daring to see the tender part of him that has been wounded and longs to be cared for tenderly

It is totally delightful to watch a person be terrified, quite doubting their ability to handle "going there"...but with support, encouragement, and carefully watching one's footing on the treacherous path...the person ventures forward.  Totally awesomely cool--when they look and see THEY DID IT! 

And they are stunned by their own strength.  And they are powerful.  And it changes them.  Forever. In good ways.

I like Whitney's way of putting it...and she doesn't sing the song lightly or naively.  She knows the stuff she talks about:

I Didn’t Know My Own Strength

Mackenzie Phillips dropped a bombshell last week that has horrified her family, shocked a lot of people, and given childhood incest survivors an ability to hear their own experience and story through the story of another.  The first minute of so of this tape is particularly powerful:

On the 'Early Show', she said: "I was hoping to help incest survivors and find some redemption and freedom," she said on the "Early Show." "I never expected this huge national dialogue. I never expected the rape and incest network to have a 82 percent rise in hits on their website a 26 percent rise in telephone calls."
Last week on Oprah, she read a portion of her book in which she told her experience of waking up from a blackout to find her father having sex with her.  While she initially labelled it rape, her father was surprised to hear her say that...with him declaring that they were "making love".  The incest lasted 10 years.  Of that time, Mackenzie says:

"It became a consensual relationship over time, and I know that I can't be the only one this has happened to," Mackenzie says. "Nobody's talking about this, and someone needs to put a face on not only nonconsensual incest but consensual incest, because I know it exists."

I'd have to say that I quite agree with the following line:

"What struck me most about Mackenzie Phillips' interview," psychotherapist Robi Ludwig told CBS News "is that she's still protecting her father. By calling incest consensual incest, she's still protecting the person who abused her. ... But you can't say it's consensual, because there's always a power imbalance when it comes to a parent and child."

What is helpful about Mackenzie's story is the her implication that at some point she felt she valued the sexual relationship and joined in with it. In my experience in working with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, perhaps the most shameful and hidden horror of the abuse is that the child at some level was made to feel special by the abuse, and so in part, came to welcome it in a life that was otherwise difficult and lonely.  Other times, during times of repeated sexual abuse, a child's body is awakened to a powerful sexual response--it is degrading to hate the sexual experience and want it to end only to find one's body aroused and wanting more.  It is part of the perpetrator's twisted and sinister strategy to have the child believe that s/he wants it and is an active participant.  The child is made to believe that the abuse is part of the way special love is shown to him/her that makes the abuse something to be seen as a sign of privilege.  As the child, in part, is convinced that s/he is welcoming the abuse (even while another part of the child is silently screaming for it to stop), the child begins to feel like an active accomplice in the abuse.

The act of shameful betrayal--to find some part of body or heart welcoming the sexual contact--is something that sexual abuse and incest survivors struggle with.  It is the unspoken horror--with the survivor's assumption that if others knew of it, the survivor would be known to be as sick and sinister as the perpetrator. The agony of this shame is unspeakable, and therefore, not spoken of.

Mackenzie Phillips opened the door to have people begin to dare to speak...to have a voice...to dare to begin to talk about it...to begin to speak out and heal.  I can only hope that her story continues to impact those who struggle with all of the hidden and secret pain of sexual violation at the hands of those that were meant to protect.

This on a beautiful card I received this week, encapsulating better than I ever could about what Bergen and Associates Counseling is all about.

Our logo has a seed planted in dirt, recognizing that it is at times of being buried by life that one also has opportunities to grow.  The colors on our walls are various shades of green. Our office is full of plants.  The theme of “growth” is everywhere.

At Bergen and Associates Counselling, we are deliberate in creating optimum conditions for that growth…we recognize that people need to feel safe, that there is a sense that the therapist can be trusted.  Sometimes that means encouraging a client to wait with that which is most sensitive until such time as that trust is built.  Other times it involves discussing what happens with sensitive information, how it will be processed or reflected on by the therapist.  We recognize that it takes courage to explore topics which are shameful or painful…and so we honor the risks that are taken, and work with a client to ensure they feel supported as those risks are taken.  We take great care to ensure confidentiality to allow clients to pursue that growth in a safe environment..

	One of the highest privileges is for me as a therapist to witness those growth-sprouts in clients’ lives.  It is not uncommon for acquaintances that I meet to comment that “it must be very difficult to work with people who need counselling”.  I tell them quickly and automatically that it rather is quite the opposite…that walking alongside individuals as they emerge from difficult times in liberating and exciting ways is a truly remarkable feature in my life’s work.
I get to be a change-witness…to watch flowers emerge from seeds…to facilitate that growth, to water it, and to celebrate it.
	I’ve not got a green thumb, but I’ve got a huge soft spot in me for buds of all kinds in spring.  ...then again, I just love watching sprouting in general.

I was reading on the Psychology Today website about a recent study that measured the effectiveness of therapy with clients.

PET (positive emission tomography) scans can differentiate the alterations in brain function between clients struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and control subjects, who do not have OCD.  Scientists measured the changes in PET scans with people struggling with OCD after treatment .  Some were treated only by medication (Prozac), and some were treated only by “talk therapy”.  Dr. Aboujaoude reported in his blog that on follow up PET scans:

The results were essentially identical: both interventions decreased the rate of glucose metabolism to levels seen in healthy people without OCD, and the rate of the decrease seemed proportional to the degree of improvement in their OCD symptoms.

This doesn’t means that medication and counselling are interchangeable.  In some cases, medication is necessary for a particular symptom or diagnosis.  

However, it is compelling that counselling actually has a biological effect on a person’s brain.  Counselling changes brain chemistry as people learn new tools and strategies to cope with issues they struggle with.

Reminds me of a time I can recall a time when, after a significant “light bulb moment”, a client was quiet and contemplative for some minutes, quietly staring out in the distance.  Quiet uncharacteristic.  I asked quietly:  What’s happening?  And the response:  “I feel peaceful when I understand that.  I feel like I just took a Valium.”

Even after all these years of being a therapist, I am still humbled by the incredible power of meaningful connection and effective dialogue in the counseling room.  

I snapped this photo late last summer--I a pushover for a rainbow...the camera (at least when I hold it) doesn't begin to capture the beauty or the enormity of a rainbow.  People stopped in awe to stare at the magnificence of the rainbow.  Total strangers gathered and stood together in wonder looking at it--it couldn't help but have people comment to each other about how exquisite it was.

I think what made the rainbow especially remarkable was that it came after a wicked and furious storm.  Rainbows often do, I suppose, but that never seems to stop us from catching ourselves in surprise as we gaze at the beauty of the rainbow.

I love rainbows, always have.  For me (and for many) they are such a sign of hope...a sign that life goes on, that life is beautiful, that there is an "after" to the storm--something that seems so hard to grasp hold of when the storms blow, the thunder crashes, and the lightening bolts across the sky.  In the middle of the storm, life seems precarious, unpredictable, and well, just plain scary.

I was talking to somebody via email that had a "rainbow experience" in her life...just booking the appointment for counselling had brought optimism and a sense of hope that somebody was going to help her.  Often, people leave a first session feeling relief...sharing the dark time with somebody sheds fresh light, and often hope.

I remember standing in the grocery store one day.  I needed the chocolate hazelnut spread that was on the top shelf--only one left--and it was there--waiting for me.  I was very tired, it was the very end of a very long and hard day, and there was special significance to the purchase--leaving it there was not an option given the role it had in a very special recipe for a very special purpose. Seeing the jar there, but well beyond my reach, seemed like one thing too much that day. I groaned inwardly--late in the evening, not a store employee in sight, and I'm vertically challenged--and the jar had been pushed well back from the edge.  In despair, I explained my predicament to my little shopping partner.  At that moment, talking about the situation seemed the only alternative to a meltdown (me, not the child) and I figured I should at least look like I was holding it together!

The child looked up at me and asked me to pick him up...and I did--straining to lift him higher than was easy, but still possible.  His reach, with my help, substantially exceeded mine.  WE DID IT!! He grabbed the jar and I now I could purchase.  Don't think the little guy understood why I was teary--children often are confused by tears of relief and joy.

Silly, isn't it--the answer was right there--found in the sharing and cooperating.  I've found that's where the hope often lies in the storms of life.  Sharing the "tough stuff"  with someone who can see strategies from their perspective that one can't see in the mire of the storm.

Strange that many in our culture would feel that to be a sort of moral failure, a character weakness that it couldn't be solved without help. We aren't wired to solve things solo. We have two eyes that see the same thing but from a different perspective--the two different views that our eyes see is critical to depth perception, an essential component to good vision.  As people we work better solving things in community--sometimes friends/spouses/teachers/rabbis/priests can come alongside and provide the right support.  Bring someone in to share the load, provide some freshness and clarity, and help you see the issues in ways you might have missed. Sometimes it takes a therapist to do that.

Maybe it's too hard or too messy or doesn't suit the situation to bring it to someone you know.  Choose a therapist carefully, and go for it.

A counsellor can provide the distance and perspective to help sort through the despair in a situation, and find some of the barriers that interfere with a solution that works.  Sometimes the possibilities are become bright and clear.  Other times, a person is able to find a "least worst" strategy that works towards reducing the current level of pain.

A counsellor does not have to be a last resort...something you try when  you've done absolutely everything else you could.  Engaging in counselling could bring the rainbow after the storm.

And who doesn't love a rainbow?

Allison the turtle was a turtle in trouble.

Allison, you see, only had one flipper. A shark attack had left her with three stumps. When a turtle has one flipper, there is only one option, really--circles, and more circles.

The guy, Jeff George, at the turtle refuge at South Padre Island was clear--
turtles with three flippers can get released back in the wild,
turtle with two flippers can probably make it in the turtle sanctuary

but

turtles with one flipper...not much hope. They are generally euthanized.

They tried prostheses with Allison--but there wasn't enought residual stump for them to work. She is a one flipper turtle...take it or leave it.

One of the young interns remembered something though. He recalled his days as a kid...rowing with one paddle in an inner tube. Think about it, use your imagination--circles, only circles. Like a one flippered turtle.

But put a kid in a canoe, and rowing with a single paddle is doable.

The difference--the length of the canoe, acting as a rudder.

This intern thought "outside the box", and let go of the prosthesis idea. He worked with a wet suit that had a rudder. They played with the positioning and size, and one day--VOILA!! Allison is a coordinated turtle that goes where she wants in the tank, feeds herself, and decides when to dive and when to surface.

She still only has one flipper.

But ...
someone with a different perspective helped her with some different possibilities. Take a look:


The interview I heard talked about how the handlers continue to marvel at how Allison has "perked up", how she revels in her mobility. She is a new turtle with her rudder--and the single fin isn't so much a problem any more. Reminded me of some moments I've had with clients, when a comment or question helped them see the issue through fresh ideas...they practically bound out of session with fresh energy, ready to tackle life in a new way. It's fun to watch...

kind of like it is fun to watch Allison.

Everyone needs some help once in a while to solve a tough situation in new ways. Ask around. Ask for help. Try a fresh idea.

Like much of the rest of the city, I have become one of those people who rushes to the basement on first entering my house. I feel just slightly closer to my ancestors who were farmers...I grew up hearing people talk about going to take a walk around the land, or check out the crops...as I find myself getting my rubber boots and jacket on and grabbing my flashlight for one last loop around the yard to check out my land.

It's frozen over now, and so we've a bit a repreive here, but for several days, I and my kin spent a chunk of every day chopping (yup, got out the axe) passages in the ice piled high to create a little path for the water to escape to the lower parts away from the house--the city sewers. Before that, we were shovelling the water over the banks. The shovelling worked for a few days when it first started to melt, but on the weekend, the rising waters made shovelling seem rather like trying to empty a bathtub with a spoon. That is to say, somewhat effective, but not efficient.

There was a significant level of satisfaction to create the path in the ice bank to the street...though, it didn't come immediately. We worked for probably half an hour without a drop being drained, chopping, clearing, scraping over and over. Even at first, we weren't sure how much water would actually leave.

Two days later, what we had come to know as "Lake Bergen" in front of the house, had significantly reduced in size, due to the human made "River Bergen" which, over the course of time, made itself wider and wider, and more effective at draining the water.

Seems to me that life can be like that. Clients come telling us how very hard they work at a situation--lots of effort, but are concerned or even terrified at the lack of significant movement on the issue. Hearing oneself talk about it, getting another perspective, processing the issue through a different lens and looking at it, with the support of another in a fresh way potentially allows the way for a whole different strategy.

Often, after a first session, it's a little like the axe is starting to create the path, but nothing can drain yet...that's when a skeptic can say, "See, I knew this counselling thing was pointless...what good can talking about it do?"

But the fun starts when new understanding comes, new strategies start being used in neat ways...and then the water starts flowing. Clients come in saying, "I came for help in one area, but I'm loving what is happening in another area in my life that I haven't even talked about"...the path becomes wider, and things happen, even without deliberate effort.

--An example of what happens in a therapist's mind when spending time with puddles and ice for hours.

I took a shower today, and with immense satisfaction noted that immediately after I turned the water off, the tub was glistening empty. Normally, that's not something that most people take great pride in. But I have reason to be proud.

I have long hair. (These next couple of paragraphs may not be for the squeamish). So, when I wash it, inevitably, hairs are shed, and make their way towards the drain. Some time ago, the water was increasingly slow to drain...recognizing the hair issue, I would unscrew the plug and with tweezer, pull this disgusting blob of hairy yuck up and throw it away.

And things would get sorta better. For a while.

And then it would happen again.

So I would make a deliberate effort to clean out from under the plug regularly. Regular maintenance and effort, I thought would cure the problem.

I thought wrong.

It's an unfortunate thing, really, when the tub doesn't drain quickly...when the water sits in the tub for a while, soap scum and whatever else builds up around the tub (I told you this part wasn't for the faint of heart). Not being someone who has the time or energy to give the tub a full scrub after anybody in the household showered, I took to keeping the shower curtain closed to hide the ugly effect.

Oh, yeah, that hides it, but doesn't really fix it. I know, I know...but I had to do something. Hiding seemed a reasonable option.

The problem began to get rather ridiculous, and I realized that my under the plug maintenance was important, but no longer significantly effective...the problem clearly lay deeper. (OK, right about now, you can probably start catching that this is a metaphor--I'm a therapist--give me a break!)

So, I brought out the "big guns". I used some Drano...not a lot, 'cuz I have a sneaking suspicion that this stuff is toxic to wherever it ends up. And then after that was flushed away, I plunged. Several times. I was thorough, cuz I wanted this thing to drain properly.

It worked.

I still occasionally clear out the just-under-the-plug gucky stuff, but generally the whole thing drains like a charm.

Oh, and I'm not embarrassed when the shower curtain is open. Feels great.

As I was standing there admiring the draining qualities of my tub today, I had pause to think about my clients who come in, confused with why something has bothered them so much. They are clearly distressed by something upsetting, but even in the midst of it, it seems out of proportion to what is happening.

Therapy helps a person connect with and make sense of the deeper issues that get bumped and reinjured with a current assault of some kind. A misunderstanding at work triggers huge uncertainty about one's value, and triggers feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and failure. One might fear getting fired, and lose sleep at the same time recognizing that the boss is making comments that suggest your continued overall positive contribution to the company.

Counselling can allow a client to explore, with the assistance of skilled counsellor to provide knowledgeable support and facilitation, the understanding of the deeper wounds that activate those powerful feelings. Once those are understood, a therapist can help a person to transform and heal those wounded parts and release the power that they have over a person. A person has the innate ability to do this, but having someone join for the journey provides added understanding and insight. It's a privelege to watch someone transform their anxiety over a great number of things to being able to giver themselves powerful postive messages that are genuinely meaningful and be able to feel truly calmer...to notice that which evokes anxious feelings and to have a completely different perspective which allows that anxiety to feel less intense and not hijack a person's experience.

How well is the water draining in the drain of your life? Want some help with flushing it clear?