Topic: Couples

Didja ever meet a couple who never fought and then their relationship ended and everyone is surprised because they never argued?

I've met some of those couples before they actually separate, but after they recognize that things aren't working and they better do something to avoid divorce court. They get a little bug-eyed when they sit with a marriage counsellor (me!) who provokes them into discussing their disagreements.  They fear voices being raised, they dread the thought of not appearing to be "on the same page", they fear what might happen if they actually aknowledge that they don't see eye to eye on something.

(With a bit of a fantasy that if it's not aknowledge it doesn't exist.  If they don't argue about something, then they are on the same page.  If we don't disagree about it with each other, then it it isn't a problem.  Yeah, right.)

As uncomfortable as arguing is, there is merit to aknowledging the differences that exist, and processing those differences.  It is best done in a respectful manner (abiding by mutually established "rules of engagement", as my colleague Rod Minaker would say), but facing what is helps it not sneak up on you in an ambush.

It is not disagreements or the discussion of them that make for marital strife.  When destructive methods are used to express the distress, marital fracture occurs.  It is important to find ways to stay connected when disagreeing, but pretending that disagreements don't occur does not for a healthy marriage make.

I was reading the blog recently recommended by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  The blog gave "Five Reasons to Stop Avoiding Tough Issues".  In short form:

1. The tension of avoiding the issue will undermine your happiness
2. The relationship will be better if you address the issue
3. Your value [as a spouse] will increase if you address the issue
4. You cannot get what you want in the relationship unless you learn to negotiate with your partner.
5. As a couple whom have been married for many years and are close what has been the major factors in building closeness and they won't tell you about their enjoyable vacations...instead, they will tell you about the rough times they survived by pulling together.

Thanx, Lee for the input!

For more on finding relationship building ways to disagree, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman.  It's a helpful read, filled with hard research and evidence, and practical strategies and exercises to have a couple learn how to disagree in ways which strengthen the relationship.

"Can I ever get past this?  Can we ever get past this?  Can I ever trust again?  Do I want to try?" These are questions I've heard painfully asked often as couples deal with the raw emotional pain of infidelity.

There was a powerful letter from Brenda Mohan in the Winnipeg Free Press paper today.  With the added pressure of her husband John's infidelity hitting the front page of the paper last year, she was, first and foremost, a woman who'd been cheated on.  And that hurts.  A lot.

This is what she says:

For me, the decision to remain with John was never a question at all. I remember the moment I looked into John's eyes, and saw a very broken, hurting man. That glimpse into his soul is what gave me the determination to stay and walk through this journey with him. In order for us to move forward, I knew I would need to forgive him.

But how?

I soon came to learn that forgiveness begins with the choice and desire to forgive, followed by a continued process of forgiveness. The choice to forgive was made much easier by the remorse and regret that John expressed immediately after he told me what he had done. But all kinds of questions remained.

Was he sincere? Would it last? Could I trust him? Did he really want to be with me? Was I second choice?

These kinds of questions take time to be answered, for trust to be rebuilt and for forgiveness to be extended in its fullness. My deep faith in God as one who restores and offers grace to each of us (myself included) when we fail was the foundation upon which I drew my hope. In spite of what John had done, God still loved him and I needed to love him, too.

I also believed that through this we could have a marriage better than we ever dreamed possible. That God has a way of bringing good from things that look pretty disastrous to us.

Along with the help of our therapist [Todd Sellick], I have also done a lot of reading. Stories of others who have gone through similar situations and came through successfully, books that helped me to understand human nature and why we respond the way we do. But most of all it was important for me to know that I was not the only one to experience pain, that every day many people are experiencing severe pain and hurt for one reason or another and many had successfully moved on and not stayed in their pain. This gave me hope that I could, too. Most of all I want other women to know their marriage is worth fighting for and there is hope after betrayal.

This woman has "been there", and in many ways is still in the middle of "there".  The shadow of infidelity lingers for a long time in a relationship.  She has earned the right to speak to the issue of recovery through the school of hard knocks.  Thanks, Brenda, for your words of wisdom.  Of hope.  Of healing.  Of forgiveness.

They do a soul good to hear.

Here is a very quick video from the highly respected Dr. John Gottman, a researcher who's done a fantastic job of measuring relationship success.  One of the most significant results of his research is his ability, with 95% accuracy to be able to suggest the likelihood of a couple's long term relationship success.  He's for real...the therapy and scientific community respect his research as solid.  This is what he says:
Now, for your part.  Think back to your last encounter with your partner.  Evaluate your input into the conversation...do a mental tally (and be honest!) of positive "bids" versus negative "bids".  How'd you do?

Respect, gentleness, understanding, empathy are important ingredients to creating relationship success.  I'm not talking doormat stuff here...be strong, hold a position, advocate for yourself.  But listen.  Listen carefully--let the other know you are listening.  Let there be no doubt in the other's mind that they are heard.  Respond respectfully.  Engage with the other knowing that their feelings matter to you.  Create a foundation for relationship success.

To say I'm a little bit passionate about helping couples find ways of staying married in a vital, life-giving way is like saying the pope is a little bit Catholic.  Although of course there are times when it makes sense to end a marriage, no one sets out to have their marriage fail.  And yet so many do.

Almost 2/3's of couples who divorce do so without ever having seen a marriage therapist.  Wow...that's a ton of people ending their marriages, dividing their assets, having legal hassles, committing their children to the "back and forth" of staying connected with both parents (if they are fortunate), or having children lose much or all contact with a parent.

What's worse is that I've worked with some of the 1/3 who divorce after seeing a marriage therapist.  What's heartbreaking is that by the time they come in, it's bad.  Really bad.  They are coming to see a marriage counsellor because a mother or a friend have said, "Don't divorce before you try counselling".  So, they essentially have made up their mind, but they make an appointment.  In essence, they are "dotting the i and crossing the t" by seeing a therapist before they end the relationship.  There's not a lot I can do in these situations when the thread that connects husband and wife has snapped before they enter my office.

In the old days...two or three generations ago, people lived in tight knit small communities.  When there were marital struggles, it became apparent to the extended family and neighbors, and because of the close and regular contact people had with each other, it was natural for an aunt or a grandfather or neighbor to intervene.  A spouse confided in someone who offered support to the couple.  Or someone would pull him aside and point out that they'd seen him being nasty to his spouse when he'd had too much to drink at last week's social at the hall.  People butted into each others' business and there was support and help for those who needed it to get their marriage back on track.

Now, no doubt, the system had its faults.  People were nosy and it was invasive.  Women were told to go back to their husbands and tolerate the abuse.  The system was FAR from perfect.  But in large part, it worked.  The social fabric supported people to make it through the inevitable rough patches a relationship goes through, and to weather the storms of life with support from the community.

Now, many are isolated from family and our air conditioned houses with attached garages, and busy lifestyles mean that many experience significant relationship stress anonymously.  There are few, if any, people to talk to and get support from.  The family safety net may be nonexistent. Like it or not, the role of the marriage therapist is important given the societal and cultural shifts...each couple, I believe could benefit from a resource that they connect with regularly...either as a touchstone to ensure that things are still working, or a contact that is easy to go to when a rough patch is hit.  All marriages hit a rough patch...it's hard to begin going to a stranger to talk to someone to talk about how bad it is.  That's when it is helpful to have a contact who is familiar...and it's good to have someone you can go to when the problem is a 2 or 3 out of 10.  If you wait until it is an 8 or 9, it's a lot harder.  When people wait until it's a 10 or 11...then, well, why wait so long.

People develop a relationship with a physician...go in for the annual physical...nip the high blood pressure when it's present but not yet caused a stroke.  Find out about cholesterol levels and address them early--we wouldn't think it wise to wait until after the heart attack before talking to a physician about health...why do we wait so long with our marriages? Testing reveals osteoporosis long before a person breaks a bone...and treatment begins to prevent the body from crumbling.  You go to ask the doctor about the lump when it is the size of the marble...we shake our heads at those who wait until it is the size of a baseball...but too many wait until they've got basketball sized problems in their marriage to seek help (if they seek it at all),

What will it take for people to pay as much attention to marital health as physical health?

A blog article from the New York Times recently said:

“You don’t wait to see the dentist until something hurts — you go for checkups on a regular basis,” said James V. Córdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who wrote “The Marriage Checkup” (Jason Aronson, 2009). “That’s the model we’re testing. If people were to bring their marriages in for a checkup on an annual basis, would that provide the same sort of benefit that a physical health checkup would provide?”

Although Dr. Córdova and colleagues are still tallying the data, preliminary findings show that couples who take part in the program do experience improvements in marital quality. By working with couples before they are unhappy, the checkup identifies potentially “corrosive” behaviors and helps couples make small changes in communication style before their problems spiral out of control.

My recommendation to you is to make a contact with a marriage therapist...one that has been around for a while, and doesn't seem like s/he is going anywhere...go in for a session or two to get to know the therapist.  Get comfortable with the idea of seeing one before you need to see one, and establish a connection.  Do a health relationship check with him/her if they have a program for that.  If not, try a marriage check up on line.  The Relate tool is a place to start...you can take it on your own for $40 US and get a fancy-shmancy report...it will give you something to talk about with each other and a therapist.

If you've birthed a child, you probably remember going to birthing classes, where the instructor insisted you practice positions and breathing well before you started labor...so that when labor hit, it was easier to go into a practiced mode of coping.

What I'm suggesting is a once or twice per year checkin with a therapist that may have some benefit like an oil change would have on a car...great maintenance.  However, even more importantly, it builds in the experience of talking about your marriage with someone who is supportive and helpful...it's REALLY TOUGH to do that for the first time when you're already in crisis...and it will be too easy to postpone it until it's too late. Know what if feels like to be talking about marital issues with a counsellor, find a counsellor you can work effectively with, and have them "in your back pocket" to pull out when needed. 

Many go see a dentist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist, a physician, a specialist of some sort periodically to maintain their health or to "nip the problems in the bud"...they have a contact when things go sour...and can make the contact fast. Pay as much attention to your marital health as your physical health...for those who don't pay attention to either, think about both.

You'll not only be doing yourself a favor, but your spouse and your kids as well.
 

"What God has joined together, let no one come between"
...with those words a good friend of mine completed the formal part of the vows for a couple dear to me. 

Those words were spoken at Pineridge Hollow near Winnipeg.  The weather was perfect, with the sun shining brightly and yet it was comfortable. The grass was green, the bride was beautiful, and the couple and their families were clearly delighted by the day’s events. The facility had sprayed for mosquitoes and so the pesky critters who are out of control generally, didn’t disturb the festivities.  It was beautiful.

The line above, for me, hung in the air. As a marriage therapist who works with couples in distress, I know how the days ahead for this couple, as with any couple, will inevitably face some dark days where there will be a moment of choice involved. This line is no mere pleasant tradition. At various points in their lives, over the years of marriage, each spouse will have various moments where they will have to make a decision. That decision will be a vote “for” the marriage or “against” the marriage. The line above, spoke in one form or another, will be in almost every wedding ceremony. It is spoken in the ceremony blithely, as part of the normal routine of a ceremony…but those words are powerful ones which spouses can choose to enforce…or not.

I was reminded of Shirley Glass’ work on “walls and windows” when I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. (Glass, incidently, is a fabulously serendipitous surname for her work on walls and windows, in the category of the inventor of the toilet having the last name of “Crapper”!) As I understand it, she warns that affairs often begin with extremely innocently, as a joke or a struggle at work that has two people feel warmly with each other. And, in a moment of connection, one tells the other something that is something that ordinarily would be held in confidence between husband and wife. For example, two co-workers together unfairly face the wrath of a boss. After the boss leaves, and they debrief and support each other, he discloses to her that he felt this way after his wife got angry with him for staying at work late for working on this very project. 

A tiny window is opened in this relationship. 

When he gets home from work, he knows that his wife wouldn’t feel comfortable with him disclosing about last’s night argument with a colleague, particularly a female one, so he conveniently avoids telling her.

A wall is erected in his marriage.

This is innocent. There is no ill intent. Heck, ill intent isn’t even on the radar. However, there is a window where there should be a wall, and a wall where a window is meant to be. This is dangerous. It is a set up for the wall to get thicker and higher, and the window to gradually get larger, in such a sinister way that no one may notice the danger until it feels too late, that it becomes very difficult, and it may feel impossible to stop.

So it sets up the husband in the example above to go on a business lunch with this co-worker the following week, without mentioning it to his wife, which turns into a quick social drink after work. His co-worker continues to be supportive of him as she hears of how he struggles in this marriage that he wants to work, but feels discouraged by. Gradually, he confides in her more and more, and she is always supportive (which is easy when not sharing bills, diaper duty, and a busy schedule) and so it develops into “more than friends” before anyone realizes.

When God joins something together, not only do others have to make sure that no others come between, but each spouse in the couple needs to monitor the walls and windows of the relationship carefully, to preserve the integrity of the relationship.

Affairs can happen to good people, to people who love their spouses, to people who have no intention of getting in an affair. Affairs can happen to people who have NO intention of ending their marriage or of hurting their spouse.  Recovery from infidelity is possible, but it is a lengthy process…prevention is the way to go. For an excellent article that is an interview with Dr. Glass on the topic of infidelity, read here.

Why don't you walk through the building of your relationship right now, and do a "walls and windows" check.  Be honest.  Really honest.  Because those of you who need this inventory the most, will be at greatest risk to fool yourself into thinking that it's "no big deal".  Don't let denial now destroy your marriage later.  Please don't let self-deception lay the ground work for the death of your marriage, the destruction of a household, the devastation of your spouse, and life long ripple effects for your children. 

Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, is a book I've recently devoured.  Written by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the runaway bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love, it looks at her struggle to figure out how to reconcile her relationship to the institution of marriage (something she had sworn she would never again enter into, but the Department of Homeland Security in the US suggested was necessary if she was to continue her relationship with foreign born Felipe). I found myself turning over the corners of several pages regarding ideas I thought were significant and thought provoking.

I heard about it from a friend who knew a pastor who, after reading it, decided that if he could only recommend one book to a couple who was about to get married, would recommend this book because of the thoughtful way it “pokes” at our assumptions of this most significant relationship, the most intimate and important one of our lives. 

Actually, that was one of the points it made…how significant do we make it, and do we overwhelm the marriage relationship with expectations it was never intended to carry. Does this relationship snap because it carries a stress heavier than it is able to?

Gilbert travels extensively during her quest to “make peace with marriage”, noting in her travels, the curious look she gets when she asks an old Hmong grandmother in Vietnam, “Is your man a good husband?” The woman looks at her, asking her to repeat the questions, it not making sense to her. 

The best answer she could come up with was this: Her husband was neither a good husband nor a bad husband. He was just a husband….[she]had never been taught to expect that her husband’s job was to make her abundantly happy…Her marriage fulfilled its role, performed its necessary social task, became merely what it was, and that was fine…By contrast, I had always been taught that the pursuit of happiness was my natural (even national) birthright…profound happiness, even soaring happiness. And what could possibly bring a person more soaring happiness than romantic love?....a recent survey of young women found that what women are seeking these days in a husband—more than anything else—is a man who will “inspire” them, which is, by any measure, a tall order. As a point of comparison, young women of the same age, surveyed back in the 1920’s, were more likely to choose a partner basedon qualities such as “decency”, or “honesty”…But that’s not enough anymore. Now we want to be inspired by our spouses! Daily! Step to it, honey!...That our very job description as spouses was to be each other’s everything….For the first time in my life, it occurred to me that I was asking too much of marriage. Perhaps I was loading a far heavier cargo of expectation onto the creaky old boat of matrimony that that strange vessel had ever been built to accommodate in the first place.(excerpted from pages 41-49, bolded marking mine)

That got me to reflecting on the number of couples I have worked with where one partner states, “I’ll never be enough. I can never do enough, say enough, or do it right enough. I’ll always fall short.” These are people that care about and love their spouses, but are so worn out from the feeling of failure and of falling short that they pull away in despair. There is a giving up with the feeling of “If I can’t do it right no matter how hard I try, why try?” 

Without realizing it, or intending to, one spouse can unconsciously require their spouse to perform a certain function for themselves. This is unintended and not malicious, but it is also unfair, and unworkable. 

It’s not fair to ask another person to fulfill you, to be the one responsible for you to be happy, satisfied, and feeling OK. And not realistic or possible either. When a person NEEDS a spouse to perform a certain role in their lives for their own wellbeing, the relationship has been set up for failure.

I said "set up for failure", not "destined to be a failure"...with work, these unfair and unrealistic expectations can be made conscious, and a person can work to establish strategies to deal with the parts of themselves that have set this up.  These strategies can deal with these wounded parts in ways that are set up to be effective and life giving, allowing the relationship to be freed from these toxic demands.  This opens the relationship to new possibilities and freshness that wasn't possible before.  This work includes people looking inside of themselves and between themselves and their spouse.

A marriage can be enriching for each spouse, and it can be a place of healing as a person feels supported and loved. But it was never intended to be a place where the one’s spouse is the sole factor in one’s wellbeing. 

I love this poem:

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
— Gibran Khalil Gibran (The Prophet)

I was at a conference, Stay Ahead of the Electronic Curve, yesterday that looked at how business can use the internet more effectively.  It was a really helpful day for me to learn how to help potential customers get to know us and how we can better serve the public. As someone who runs a counselling practice, it’s something I’m interested in: how can we use the internet to more effectively help people relate to each other and themselves?

At the opening of the Conference, the president of the Manitoba Marketing Association reminded us that we would likely only remember about 2% of what we heard during the day. However, if we did 3 things:

1. write good notes
2. write down questions as they occurred
3. write down one or two “action plans”—something that we would do as result of being at the conference

we, as attenders, would increase our retention of the information to about 25%.

That’s a substantial difference. I put valuable resources of time and finances into this, and decided to take this seriously. 

So I wrote notes, and when they said something that seemed like it would be helpful for me to check into, I write a note about I needed to investigate or try when I got home. It was a subtle but important shift—now I was listening with ears that were trying to figure out how this meant something to me. I found it easier to stay “plugged into” the talks.

 I got to thinking how little of regular conversations we tune into, how we can be nodding and smiling but really have little retention of a conversation with someone that is meaningful in our lives.

All too often when I work with couples, I see that one feels unheard in the relationship, which leads to feeling devalued, minimized, unimportant. That takes a huge toll on the relationship. There may be many good reasons for not being 100% listening to your partner, but generally the effect is the same…your partner feels lousy about themselves, you and the relationship.

So I’m wondering if the same things could apply…if your spouse says, “We gotta talk” and you know it’s big. What would it be like to pay attention to asking good questions, , maybe even writing notes—on a computer, or a notebook, coming up with ideas that will make a difference as a result of the conversation. I’m talking really taking seriously what is happening—demonstrating to the love of your life that s/he is the most important person in your world, that you are taking seriously the content of every sentence. Can you imagine the powerful effect of that demeanor in the conversation? That alone would change the tone in a powerful way.

I had a really productive evening last night, implementing several tiny changes.  More projects are on the list.  I had a productive day.  It worked for me.

Listen to each other. Please.

Family is a  pain, huh?  Those kids want a snack...and you've barely cleaned up lunch.  You've paid for the kids' sports, the mortgage, groceries, and the bank account is begging for mercy--and then someone needs fancy duds for an upcoming banquet that MUST be attended and there is NOTHING to wear.  You're dog tired, worked hard all day, and the nagging demanding ball and chain wife  love-of-your-life wife wants to engage with you about the activities of the day.  You've spent the day driving the kids around, grabbing food on the fly, fitting more errands in that can really be wedged into an already full day, and that no good, wants it all on a silver platter, treat me like a king kind of husband  hero-of-a-husband rolls his eyes when you ask him to put the kids to bed.

Yup, family is a pain.  Drudgery, mind-numbing routine, pushed-to-the-edge-of-exhaustion-tasks.  A Pain.

But a kind of pain that grounds you, centers, you, and gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. It makes you delight in the laundry you have, because if you weren't up to your eyeballs in laundry, it would mean that you hadn't all had fun in the leaves this weekend.  The arguments that your adolescent has with you (that you really, REALLY don't understand) are a signs that she's growing up, that her abstract thought has grown in complexity, and she is becoming her own person. And the spouse that asks you to call if you're gonna be late, when you just wanna be free to go out after work for drinks with the guys, cares--cuz you matter to her. 

Family can be so restraining.  But what feels like being trapped, can be grounding, and life saving:
Yeah, yeah, I know this commercial is intended to be about seatbelts.  But doesn't your family life sometimes feel like the beauty and restraint that are inextricably combined in this video?

There are some of you who find having a spouse and children confining...right now, they don't seem so loving and uplifting.  There isn't "slo-mo beauty with beautiful music tinkling in the background" moments right now--your family is drink-milk-straight-from-the-jug-against-the-rules kind of family.  A I-don't-know-how-we'll-pay-the-bills-this-month kind of family. Families that are rude, dismissive, non-validating, rushed, and generally distracted from celebrating the wonderfulness of your contribution to their life.

There are times when releasing your family's hold on you seems tempting.  There's no doubt that most couples find themselves in trying times during the life cycle of their marriage. Maybe the drinks after work you crave aren't with the guys, but with a special one who has caught your eye...and you're tempted.  She's engaging, interesting, funny, and doesn't demand that you mow the lawn, or change your share of poopy diapers.  Or going to the gym isn't about the workout so much as the guy who's been winking at you...he smiles and is open...you know what he's thinking, what he's offering...and it seems so easy compared to that burping, bump-on-a-log guy sitting on the couch, who only speaks up when he wants you to bring him something.

Family is a gift.  They are a pain, but they are an uncomfortable, smelly, life-giving, complaining, whiny, hilarious, wicked, annoying, fascinating, griping, stifling, anxiety-provoking, engaging, frustrating, awesome gift.  Family gives you a place to call home, a place that keeps you safe, a holding that reminds you of who you are, and what your goals are.  Families are wildly imperfect, annoyingly frustrating, and adoringly secure.

Appreciate your painfully delightful family today.  Let them ground you, hold you securely, love you by tying you down in a way that will save your life.

I had a lot of fun with the video from my last post.  I had a couple of people around the office view the video to watch their reaction.  Wish I had a video camera on their reactions as they watched it for the first time. I realize that this is a familiar video for those of you who read my last post.  For those of you who missed it, here is is again:
After I showed my colleagues the video, they laughed at their focus and how that took away from their ability to see the "moon walking bear".  One insisted the replay of the video in the second part of the video wasn't identical to the initial clip she watched when she was counting the ball tosses...I had to rewind and replay the entire video to her to convince her that indeed, she truly had missed the moon walking bear the first time.

As I was doing therapy last week, I realized the incredible metaphor this video is for systems theory, which is  a model we use in therapy.  When I work with a couple, there will be times when Spouse A can only focus on certain parts of the relationship, insisting that it is a certain way, and that Spouse B is very much the kind of person that "always _____"  or "never _______".  Spouse A "knows" how the relationships is, knows what is wrong with it.  Spouse A has been watching very carefully, and are, after all, living the relationship, so they KNOW exactly what the relationship is like. (Just like my colleague knew that 13 balls were tossed, and that there was NO dancing bear)  There is no maliciousness to it, no manipulation, no "convenient" shaping of the truth...just an honest recollection of the experiences as experienced by Spouse A.

Spouse B can insist on another reality--as a matter of fact, they KNOW that it is not like how Spouse A describes it...because Spouse B is very focused on the "Black clothed team" and can't help but see the dancing bear...but would have little or no concept of how many balls were tossed and caught by the white clothed team--Spouse B doesn't see how that is important...and besides, Spouse B is too caught up in convincing Spouse A that the dancing bear really exists.

Life is not a one minute video clip...similar scenarios are happening again and again over time. What happens, over time, that after one finds what one is looking for, is that one responds to that pattern in a logically responsive way...the "dancing bears" genuinely aren't seen, and aren't responded to--and therefore, aren't reinforced. 

So, for example, the wife that is expecting her husband to not help her with the dishes, or putting the kids to bed, gets annoyed at what she knows she will be disappointed by.  She doesn't see all the yard work he does, or the way he plays with the kids after supper.  Guess what happens over time?

If you're a dancing bear that is consistently invisible despite moonwalking through situations, wouldn't you stop showing up? 

And then, when Spouse A says there is no dancing bear, Spouse A is right...the bear gave up cuz it's too hard to keep showing up and being unappreciated and ignored.

The husband doesn't bother with even the yard work and his hours get longer so there's no time to play with the kids...and his disengagement has extended itself.

And the patterns of a relationship start to deepen as different parts of the system become entrenched in what they see and respond out of that...because what you see eventually becomes more of what actually happens.
Problems that couples bring to therapy are not nearly as simple as all this.  But the video illustrates the point that often you will find what you are looking for in a relationship.  Things that reinforce what you are looking for are noticed and highlighted, while other things that don't reinforce it aren't deliberately ignored...they genuinely aren't on the radar.

You can imagine what it is like being a therapist in the middle of this...trying to hear each person's reality as very valid and important, and trying to de-escalate the situation to allow the spouses to cool enough to develop some compassion and insight...to recoginize that the spouse has a different reality that is authentic to their point of view.

Further complicating the situation is that the couple will go home, and Spouse A will notice the "dancing bear" part of the relationship, and insist that it was newly inserted that week after the therapist pointed out the Spouse A couldn't see the dancing bear.  And it may have been, because now Spouse B thinks there is a fighting chance it will be noticed.  Or Spouse B may have been continuing to do it all along, but not the focus allows it to be seen. So, now Spouse A can see the dancing bear, but thinks it's been inserted purely to prove a point...and continues to be angry and dissatisfied.  There is nothing Spouse B can do to convince Spouse A that the dancing bear was there previously.

Marriage therapy is a delicate process whereby the therapist encourages Spouse B to have the dancing bear show up, working very hard to have Spouse A accept the dancing bear, appreciate Spouse B's efforts, and understand the patterns of the system that created the situation.  Both Spouse A and B contribute to the complex interplay of acting and reacting to develop a difficult situation. Over time, resentments develop in each And B as each seeks to be understood, and be in the relationship in a way that works.  Spouse B's will often have concerns that if it wasn't recognized before, could the dancing bear be ignored and unappreciated again?  Spouse A will wonder, what if I learn to enjoy and delight in the dancing bear, and learn to trust it, and then it disappears again--dare I relax and enjoy it now?  It might be less painful to ignore than to have it and lose it.  Ouch.  You see how there are ripple effects and issues to deal with.

If it were as simple as seeing dancing bears, marriage counselling would be simple.  But its not that simple, and the pain and emotions are raw and real.  But it's something to think about.

My computer is down...I'm struggling not to feel like I have lost my right arm and am working to get proper perspective on things.  I use it to communicate with so many personally, at the counselling office, and at the university.  I use it to remind me of what is coming up next, and what I have to get ready for.  I use it to prepare documents, and generally get my work done. I'm feeling a little lost.

My computer is actually able to work well...except it can't right now.  Let me explain.

I'm not computer savvy, but it isn't rocket science to notice that my battery wasn't recharging when I plugged the computer in to charge.  I assumed it was the cord.  The cord must be broken.

So I borrowed Melanie, the receptionist's cord to charge it until I could go get a new cord.

It wasn't the cord.  Hers cord didn't work either--on my computer.  Worked fine with her computer.  Ouch.

So, I asked a colleague.  He assumed it must be the battery.  If its not the cord, it must be the battery, right?

Wrong.  Not the battery.  In a jiffy he loaded some software to check the battery, and it is working fine.

The geniuses at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store found the problem. (Confident bunch at the Apple Store to call themselves geniuses.  Just saying.)  It is the connection between the cord and the computer that isn't working...so I wait for a logic board. (They tell me they are working hard to get this fast...it seems they were quite familiar with the slightly wild look that can appear in someone's eyes when they find out that a computer isn't operational, and are quite calmly reassuring they will expedite things--I'm sure they spend their days calming the anxieties of frantic people--maybe even tell each person that they are taking their situation very seriously to fix it ASAP--good on them.  They understand the importance of reassurance)**

The cord works, the battery works...the main guts of the computer works.  But the connection between the parts is interrupted, and the whole thing doesn't work.  Reminds me of some couples I've worked with.

She's a wonderful person and wants it to work.  He's a great guy and works at it too.  But the connection between the two of them is interrupted, and the whole thing just goes sideways. 

Or backwards.

Or downhill.

And it hurts when something that used to be as meaningful and purposeful as a right arm, now feels worse than useless.

It was my default to blame the cord or the battery--didn't it make sense that the problem would be at one end or the other. (I didn't know there was a middle!)  Not unlike couples, who, when there is a problem blame the other for the problems...they don't often realize that there is a middle--an intangible but vitally important connection that needs maintaining, attention, and sometimes, repair.

When there is a problem, it's easy to blame the other...you know you are trying hard.  You know you are not trying to create problems.  You know you are well intentioned...so it's default to assume when there are problems to think responsibility lies with the other end of the relationship.

How is the logic board of your marriage? (Did you even know you had a logic-board equivalent in your couple relationship?)  Rather than point your finger at your partner, why don't both of you take a deep breath, calm yourselves and look at the connection that exists between the two of you? (And if you need some extra help, please call a therapist in your area).

And, if you sent me an email in the last day or two, please know that I'll get caught up as soon as the connection is fully operational again! ;)

**The Mac people really live up to their word.  They had it ready sooner than I expected and it's working great.  Connection repaired!