Topic: Couples

My computer is down...I'm struggling not to feel like I have lost my right arm and am working to get proper perspective on things.  I use it to communicate with so many personally, at the counselling office, and at the university.  I use it to remind me of what is coming up next, and what I have to get ready for.  I use it to prepare documents, and generally get my work done. I'm feeling a little lost.

My computer is actually able to work well...except it can't right now.  Let me explain.

I'm not computer savvy, but it isn't rocket science to notice that my battery wasn't recharging when I plugged the computer in to charge.  I assumed it was the cord.  The cord must be broken.

So I borrowed Melanie, the receptionist's cord to charge it until I could go get a new cord.

It wasn't the cord.  Hers cord didn't work either--on my computer.  Worked fine with her computer.  Ouch.

So, I asked a colleague.  He assumed it must be the battery.  If its not the cord, it must be the battery, right?

Wrong.  Not the battery.  In a jiffy he loaded some software to check the battery, and it is working fine.

The geniuses at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store found the problem. (Confident bunch at the Apple Store to call themselves geniuses.  Just saying.)  It is the connection between the cord and the computer that isn't working...so I wait for a logic board. (They tell me they are working hard to get this fast...it seems they were quite familiar with the slightly wild look that can appear in someone's eyes when they find out that a computer isn't operational, and are quite calmly reassuring they will expedite things--I'm sure they spend their days calming the anxieties of frantic people--maybe even tell each person that they are taking their situation very seriously to fix it ASAP--good on them.  They understand the importance of reassurance)**

The cord works, the battery works...the main guts of the computer works.  But the connection between the parts is interrupted, and the whole thing doesn't work.  Reminds me of some couples I've worked with.

She's a wonderful person and wants it to work.  He's a great guy and works at it too.  But the connection between the two of them is interrupted, and the whole thing just goes sideways. 

Or backwards.

Or downhill.

And it hurts when something that used to be as meaningful and purposeful as a right arm, now feels worse than useless.

It was my default to blame the cord or the battery--didn't it make sense that the problem would be at one end or the other. (I didn't know there was a middle!)  Not unlike couples, who, when there is a problem blame the other for the problems...they don't often realize that there is a middle--an intangible but vitally important connection that needs maintaining, attention, and sometimes, repair.

When there is a problem, it's easy to blame the other...you know you are trying hard.  You know you are not trying to create problems.  You know you are well intentioned...so it's default to assume when there are problems to think responsibility lies with the other end of the relationship.

How is the logic board of your marriage? (Did you even know you had a logic-board equivalent in your couple relationship?)  Rather than point your finger at your partner, why don't both of you take a deep breath, calm yourselves and look at the connection that exists between the two of you? (And if you need some extra help, please call a therapist in your area).

And, if you sent me an email in the last day or two, please know that I'll get caught up as soon as the connection is fully operational again! ;)

**The Mac people really live up to their word.  They had it ready sooner than I expected and it's working great.  Connection repaired!

Keeping a good marriage great is just as important as fixing the problems.

I was reading Psychotherapy Networker the other day when I came across the issue of how therapists can help clients who have done some really good work on addressing problem areas in their marriage.

 

Steven Stosny said in an the latest edition that an important way couples can entrench health ways of relating to each other is through the concept of “habituation”. He says:

..a growing literature on relapse prevention suggests that you can help the couple retrain their brains, so to speak, by instituting new associations—which, with continual repetition (this is the critical part), can gradually encode new, more relationship-positive associations. None of this is high-tech or tremendously sophisticated, but it does what all training and regular practice is supposed to do: establish new patterns that may become stronger than old ones.

 So what does this look like?? Glad you asked. (You were asking, weren’t you?)

He suggests a series of daily rituals which combined take a total of 5 minutes (surprisingly small amount of investment for the most important relationship in your life):

(1) Gestures. Make some brief, nonverbal acknowledgement of your partner's importance to him or her at the four major transitional times in the day: before getting out of bed in the morning, before leaving the house, the first thing when you come into the house, and the last thing at night. (Behaviors done at major transitional times tend to have more carryover throughout the day.) This should be a gesture, like a brief touch, gentle eye contact, or just reaching out your hand. You should notice within a few weeks that affirming your partner's importance first thing in the morning and last thing at night is one of the pleasanter ways to improve over-all health and well-being.

(2) Hugs. Hug your partner, in a full-body embrace, six times a day, holding each hug for at least six seconds. Hugs are usually the first thing to go when a chain of resentment binds a relationship. The less you touch, the more resentful you get. The 6 x 6 formula isn't arbitrary. You probably don't hug more than once a day now. Increasing that to at least six times a day increases the chances of raising your level of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. The six-second minimum for each hug recognizes the fact that in the beginning, some of the hugs will feel forced and awkward. It's all right if they start out that way, as long as they become genuine at about the fifth or sixth second—which is likely to happen if you're still attached. You'll eventually find that it's easier to put your heart into the embrace than to resist it.

(3) Thoughts. Set aside five seconds for a positive thought about your partner at least five times a day. How you think about your partner when you're apart largely determines how you behave when you're together. Think of assets she or he brings to your relationship and how he or she makes your life better.

The other strategy he suggests is that the therapist work with the couple to have a “fire extinguisher” of sorts around. He reminds us that fire extinguishers don’t just put out fires, they are visible reminders of the risk of fire, and those who are conscientious about the risk of fire have them around as a practical commitment to reducing fire risk. Steven has created a CD which couples can use to remember some principals he has taught them…he doesn’t even expect them to listen to it, but having it on display in their home is a cue to them to their commitment to a quality, life-giving marriage, and the work and communication that is required to maintain this.

I love his closing line:

"When it comes to day-to-day living, if you want to love big, you have to think small."

so...Go,

think small:

in many tiny little moments,

in wee bits, and

in almost-lost-but-found-in-time moments in your relationships today.

Let little droplets of love and commitment gather

bit by bit,

collecting over time,

providing gentle evidence time after time,

over and over,

so that they pool together in an expanding way and

gradually fill the loved one in your life

full of the love that you have for them.

When there has been an unfaithfulness in a relationship, it signifies a break in the covenant made on the wedding day to remain faithful to each other…that is a problem.  Not a little one, either.  A big problem.

However, it is often a symptom of something else.  Seeing it as a symptom doesn’t make the problem acceptable, but it does help with understanding—always an important step in moving forward.  And if a relationship is going to be repaired after an affair, understanding is an important ingredient in the mix.

A powerful politician has a need to find a place where he can let go of the responsibility and heaviness that life places on him.  He feels there is no safe place in his life where he can escape from the pressures and expectations.  He places pressure on himself to be strong and brave for all—including his wife.

A woman who has had fathers, brothers, and husband be rough on her, minimizing her throughout her life, and generally has felt "pushed around" by men. When a younger, sensitive, very gentle man comes along, she gets sucked in.

These aren’t “good reasons” to have an affair, but along with the powerful reaction that anybody has when newly attracted to the opposite sex , the pull is incredible, and can feel, at the time, overpowering. (The sexual pull of a new relationship is compared to drug use for good reason—the brain is bathed in the same neurotransmitters as occurs when one might with street drugs).

Think about how attractive it is…an affair is a dream of what “might be”.  That will always win over “what is”—including work deadlines, mortgage payments, teething babies, and bad breath.  A relationship when the other looks at you with stars in the eyes and utter trust and wonder, rather than disappointment and a spirit of criticism because of how you didn’t follow through on getting the basement done, cutting back on your work hours or your drinking habits.  

It’s difficult for someone to understand (in the heady, drunk-with-the-attraction moment) this powerful feeling of being loved, understood and accepted isn’t something that will last indefinitely, but is part of the inevitable infatuation of a new relationship that is unemcumbered by the daily realities of a real life.

It can seem so clear when the guilt takes over, when the secret is found out, and reality hits…something like, “I could lose all the years of history with someone, the parent of my children, the sharer of my dreams, the one who not only causes me stress and grief, but has loved me through thick and thin-unlike any other.”  

It might be difficult for a spouse who has been cheated on to hear me say:  in amongst the anger, outrage, betrayal and fear, it is important to find a place of curiousity to find out the circumstances that existed that allowed an environment where the affair occurred…to allow the offending individual to understand themselves and be understood, to have room for growth in new way, and to recognize the patterns in the relationship that made it vulnerable to infidelity.  The curiosity can develop into a sense of compassion and understanding which paves the way to reconciliation…it doesn’t replace the anger and sadness, but co-exists with it in a way that allows for the relationship to be rebuilt.

Curiosity, (followed by empathy and understanding) allows infidelity to be seen as not only a problem of something unacceptable, but also a symptom of something else—and the door is opened to restoration.

I admire Jenny Sandford, Mark Sandford's wife.  Mark Sandford is the governor of South Carolina. Mark Sandford's infidelity with an ongoing relationship with another woman was splashed across the headlines is the last few weeks.  She lets us in enough to know that  in private is dealing with the devastating effects of her husband's infidelity, but she is publicly being admired all over the country for her approach to how she is relating to her husband.  Watch:
She is able to extend grace and understanding, without excusing or dismissing his actions, and her own pain and anger (that's right, women--she is angry and is OK with having the world know about it!)  She made a statement, that said in part:

There is no question that Mark’s behavior is inexcusable. Actions have consequences and he will be dealing with those consequences for a long while. Trust has been broken and will need to be rebuilt. Mark will need to earn back that trust, first and foremost with his family, and also with the people of South Carolina.

The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. We have been deeply disappointed in and even angry at Mark. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin.“  (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one’s energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time. My forgiveness is essential for us both to move on with our lives, with peace, in whatever direction that may take us.

Desmond Tutu said “forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew.“  Forgiveness opens the door for Mark to begin to work privately, humbly and respectfully toward reconciliation with me. However, to achieve true reconciliation will take time, involve repentance, and will not be easy.

She seems to have a handle on the challenging road that needs to happen ahead, as she and her husband, Mark, work through the yuck of his actions, and as they confront the marriage that set the stage for his actions.  The ability to be in tune with her own self, and operate from a position of confidence, letting her husband's issues remain his, but being supportive and connecting in ways that make sense to her are remarkable.  So often in times of crisis (see earlier posts on anxiety) people swing to an extreme--pretending it's not such a big deal and moving forward without properly aknowledging the devastation OR cutting off all possibility of reconciliation, not able to hear the partner's bids for the marital relationship, and dismissing the partner's pain and guilt as irrelevant.  I'd like to meet her!

South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, was forced to make his affair with an Argentinian woman public after he disappeared for several days.  Apparently, it's not a good idea to tell your staff you are going to the Appalachians and then actually go to Argentina without being reachable.  People get concerned and start asking nosy questions.


That's the tough part about infidelity...the lies pile up, it gets harder and more burdensome to keep everything straight, and the guilt of spending time with one when you are committed to another is  difficult.  However, that pales in comparison to the brutal level of guilt that one faces when the rawness of a betrayal consumes your spouse.  I've seen it unfold in front of my eyes—a spouse’s eyes change when s/he hears that the other has been intimate with another person, and it is gruesome to see... And then to watch the spouse who has cheated--to know that you've hurt your life partner, the parent of your children, the one who you've spent more time with anybody else...to see your partner in this uber-level of extreme pain and KNOW that YOU created that pain...well, that's hard for me to witness, too.

What I have found interesting about the governor’s infidelity, is not his story, but his wife’s story.  Notice Jenny Sanford is not in the video…this was something he got himself into, and she didn’t “stand by her man” during the announcement.  She didn’t want to be there, and she wasn’t (likely facing pressure from strategists to do so as others have faced in the past).  And she issued this statement:

I would like to start by saying I love my husband and I believe I have put forth every effort possible to be the best wife I can be during our almost 20 years of marriage.
As well, for the last 15 years my husband has been fully engaged in public service to the citizens and taxpayers of this state and I have faithfully supported him in those efforts to the best of my ability. I have been and remain proud of his accomplishments and his service to this state.
I personally believe that the greatest legacy I will leave behind in this world is not the job I held on Wall Street, or the campaigns I managed for Mark, or the work I have done as First Lady or even the philanthropic activities in which I have been routinely engaged.
Instead, the greatest legacy I will leave in this world is the character of the children I, or we, leave behind. It is for that reason that I deeply regret the recent actions of my husband, Mark, and their potential damage to our children.
I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions.
When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage.
We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.
This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage.
During this short separation it was agreed that Mark would not contact us. I kept this separation quiet out of respect of his public office and reputation, and in hopes of keeping our children from just this type of public exposure.
Because of this separation, I did not know where he was in the past week.
I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.
Psalm 127 states that sons are a gift from the Lord and children a reward from Him.
I will continue to pour my energy into raising our sons to be honorable young men.
I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions and to welcome him back, in time, if he continues to work toward reconciliation with a true spirit of humility and repentance.

She’s known about this for some time, and was and is actively working on this relationship with her husband.  While we can’t really know what is happening between them, what I honor is that publically she is being very respectful towards herself and acknowledging her own anger, betrayal, and grief, while also avoiding sudden permanent decisions that are too soon to make.  I honor that she is willing to look at the years of history they share, the depth of the bond that has been created, and the effect of this on their children, and be open to repairing the relationship.  I appreciate that she is able to deal with the reality of the fracture in the marriage, face it, but also allow for forgiveness and redemption, recognizing that this takes time and effort to explore and pursue. They have work to do, hard work, that will ultimately shape their future.

What I’m don’t honor is the news articles that ask us to vote on whether they should stay together or divorce…that is none of the public’s business, nor is it something we could possibly presume to respond to with any level of integrity.  The issue of infidelity, their relationship, and all the dynamics involved make this an issue that only 2 people in this world can figure out.  I pray that they will be thoughtful, seek to be understanding, experience growth (that will be painful in the moment, I'm sure), and make wise decisions with support of friends, family, and professional therapy as needed.

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurt past it. (Soren Kierkegaard.)

Read aloud, and tell your partner what you think about what this quote says or suggesting.

A question from A Private Affair

While friendship has been found to be the most vital component to keeping marriage alive and vital, sex is often a part of keeping that friendship fun, interesting, and intimate.  The challenge for many is that a sexual relationship is purely physical.  People know how to do sex, but not talk about sex...which not only leaves out a really fun part of sexual intimacy, it opens the door really wide to confusion, misunderstanding, and hurt.  The relationship goes south, and sex becomes a failure in a relationship, rather than a boost.

Sex can be a wondrous way to celebrate the intimacy in a relationship.
Sex can be a delightful way to enjoy each other.
Sex can be a fun way to aknowledge that the fight is over.
Sex can be a non verbal way of reconnecting after a time of distance or busy-ness

In sum, sex is a way to strengthen the relationship and enjoy each other.

And for many, it is just ho-hum.  Or worse.

With no means to do anything about it.

Todd Sellick is a Winnipeg (!) therapist who has collaborated with his wife to produce a game that serves as a tool to open up conversation, create the climate for interesting encounters, and generally provide an opportunity to spice up your sex life.

A Private Affair:  The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises is a collection of ice-breaking questions that can be used in a variety of ways.  One couple on the website writes:

An erotic tonic to twenty-two years of “good marriage.” It somehow gives license to talk about things we’d otherwise be far less likely to talk about, and compels us to relish in it. How very refreshing!!

I have a passion for making good marriages better—this seems like one more tool in the arsenal to make marriages rich, enduring and loving.  What a find!! To have a playful, fun way of strengthening the relationship--no books to read, theory to understand, dry standard marriage improvement stuff--just a fun vehicle to spend some enjoyable time as a couple.  If anybody is familiar with it, let us know in a comment!

Picture this:


A woman lying on the floor flexing her legs up towards the ceiling, so she is in an L-shape. Resting on her feet is an upside down scale. Near her toes, is the readout…which predictably (as it is resting ON top of her feet, rather than bearing her weight UNDER her feet) the scale reads “0.00”

The caption reads: “The Female Character…the ability to see facts from whichever angle suits them best.”

The picture is at first confusing, as one struggles to make sense of it. Then it is funny—very clever. Then it is heartwrenching…as one can identify with it.

How often don’t we play with the picture to make it suit us? How often don’t we tell ourselves lies to justify our behavior?

I deserve that piece of cheesecake because of how ugly that meeting was.
That dinner was disgusting, and then she criticizes me—she deserved that slap she got from me.
He doesn’t care about me anyway—why shouldn’t I have an affair?

Below are some myths that have been debunked by solid, peer reviewed research. The myths (and the evidence to refute them) are found in the December issue of The Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. I’ve quoted them directly, but am only giving you an edited sampling. D. Popenoe, John Gottman, Waite and Gallagher, Amato and others have done solid peer reviewed research that says all the following thoughts are lies that we as a culture tell ourselves:

MEN REAP FAR GREATER BENEFITS FROM MARRIAGE THAN WOMEN
Recent research…has shown that men and women both benefit substantially from marriage, with benefits to men being largely health related and benefits to women being largely economic, though both sexes receive some of the benefits usually attributed to the other. In short, “Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married”

SINGLE PEOPLE HAVE MORE SEX AND CONSIDER THEIR SEX LIVES MORE SATISFYING THAN MARRIED COUPLES
While single people may brag about their sexual experiences more often than their married counterparts, married people actually have sex more often and find the sex more physically and emotionally satisfying.

THE MORE SOMEONE GIVES THEIR SPOUSE INFORMATION, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE, THE GREATER THE MARITAL SATISFACTION OF BOTH PARTNERS
Only positive self-disclosure increases marital satisfaction. More recently, Gottman has demonstrated that the quality of interactions, in particular the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones, is far more impactful on the satisfaction of both partners than the simple frequency of interactions.

COHABITATION BEFORE MARRIAGE DECREASES THE CHANCE OF DIVORCE
Couples who cohabitate prior to marriage divorce more often than those who do. No study has ever demonstrated cohabitation reducing chances of divorce.

THE MAJORITY OF COUPLES WHO DIVORCE ARE HIGH-CONFLICT COUPLES
Amato and Booth (1997) found that less than a third of divorcing parents had marriages that could be considered high-conflict. A mere 30 percent of divorcing spouses reported three or more serious arguments in the past month, and less than one in four said they and their spouses disagreed often or very often. Other studies have shown a variety of marital problems that are predictive of divorce, with conflict per se not on the list. For example, in a study by Amato and Rogers (1997), infidelity, drug use, and spending money foolishly were most strongly predictive of divorce. The presence of conflict in a relationship is relatively weak in predicting divorce; examining how couples resolve conflict produces much stronger predictors.

CHILDREN DO BETTER IN STEPFAMILIES THAN SINGLE-PARENT HOMES
While stepfamilies do offer advantages over single-parent homes, such as higher income levels and the presence of role models of both sexes, children seem to do no better and may in fact fare worse in stepfamilies than in single- parent homes after.

IF DIVORCED PARENTS PUT FORTH POSITIVE ATTITUDES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, THEIR CHILDREN ARE NO MORE LIKELY TO DIVORCE THAN CHILDREN OF MARRIED PARENTS
Children from families who experienced divorce consistently report more negative attitudes toward marriage than their peers, regardless of what attitudes toward marriage the parents attempt to communicate to their children.

THE FACTORS MOST OFTEN CITED BY LONG-MARRIED COUPLES AS REASONS FOR THEIR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES ARE ROMANTIC LOVE AND GOOD LUCK
Larson’s (1988) review of literature concluded “most couples do not identify romantic love as the kind of love that helps maintain marital satisfaction over the life span” (p. 10). More recently, Gottman found that a couple’s perception of the quality of their friendship is most predictive of their long term marital success.

CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITH DIVORCED PARENTS THAN WITH PARENTS WHO ARE UNHAPPILY MARRIED
The effects of parental divorce in and of itself are pervasive and long-lasting for many children. Married parents—even unhappily married parents—can provide children with benefits divorced parents cannot, including greater economic standing, stronger family bonds, stronger connections with the community, more available time for parent-child interaction, and better over-all emotional health.

THE QUALITY OF A MARRIED COUPLE’S SEX LIFE IS THE SINGLE BEST STATISTICAL PREDICTOR OF OVERALL MARITAL SATISFACTION
Broadly, the quality of a couple’s friendship is far more essential to their marital satisfaction than the quality of their sex life.

So, how many of these surprised you? The study itself was actually focused on how often marriage and family therapists were fooled--some of these are inconvenient truths.

Bottom line:  work at your marriage, work at being friends with your spouse, find ways to be positive in your relationship, be aware that your kids will be permanently be affected by the divorce no matter how well you and your spouse handle things. When you make your decisions, make them without telling yourself convenient untruths.

I was flipping through the radio stations today while I was in the car...and I heard a song I've never heard before.  I stayed on the station for the rest of the song, because the lyrics caught my attention:



Being in the "troubled marriage" business, means that I work with couples who are experiencing pain in their relationship.  Too often, I hear the frustration of women who have become increasingly unhappy in their relationship...and they cajole, encourage, and generally work hard to get his attention.

Nothing. 
They hang in there, waiting for him to catch on, to see how desperately unhappy she is.
   
Nothing.

Then, one day, months after the decision is made internally, she announces that she's done.  She's burnt out working on this marriage alone, and she's given up.  She starts to pack her bags.

He panics.  He calls me.

He's desperate to fix it.  He really is.  He loves her, wants it to work, has always wanted to make it work.  He just didn't know.  He didn't hear her.  He really didn't.  And now...well now he gets it.  But it's too late.  He tries to figure out how to fix it...but his efforts are months too late.

My ability to work in these situations is limited.  It takes two hands to clap.  Without something to work with, we're doomed before we start.

Problem is, I feel for the guy.  He's not malicious, he's not a jerk.  He's a guy who hears his wife be upset about his husbanding. He has sensed her dissastisfaction, and has tried to please her in ways he knows how, in ways he can manage.  Often it's "stuff"--"I'll provide for her well".  "Stuff" doesn't make for a rich marriage.

He starts to spend time where he feels he is appreciated, where he feels competent--at work, with the guys, coaching.  He's good at that so "why not play to your strengths?".  Why hang around at home when he sense the cloud of disappointment around him?  He withdraws from her farther--not because he doesn't want to be with her, but because he can't tolerate the complaints and criticism...they hurt too much. 

And so the distance increases--not deliberately, but by the ugly pattern of wife pursuing, husband withdrawing (occasionally it is the other way around).

If your partner was on this website and sat you down to look at this video, read the above carefully.  It's a lot harder than it might appear to work at this...as a marriage counsellor, I've worked with enough withdrawers to recognize the difficulties and to respect the person behind the challenges.  But don't make the call once your partner is several months past "enough". 

If your partner is showing you the below video, take her seriously.  Agree to attend the appointment she's asking you to attend with her.  Open the door to the heart that you've hurt.

One of the wonderful parts of my life is the chance to see couples come in and work through stuff...couples committed and in love with each other. Couples who have a connection with each other that has them decide to work on things, because not working on them is not an option.

Couples who are committed to each other
who extend grace
who receive mercy
who engage in the struggle to forgive
who pull in the same direction
who don't ask if it will work, but how it will work
who wink at the other, choosing not to scowl
who wrestle with the tough stuff, to make something good even better
who have every plan of growing old together.

Having the opportunity to witness that makes me shiver, all the way down to my toes, with joy. That why this song brings tears to my eyes.

Walking her home, by Mark Schulz

Let me know if you can watch without tearing up!

John Gottman, author and renowned respected scientist of attachment theory, states that people who stay married live four years longer than people who don't. Further, couples that are happily married (as evidenced by numerous scientific measurements over the course of two days and a night) show a greater proliferation of white blood cells in response to a foreign invader that those whose response to their spouse was neutral or negative. He says (I suspect only partially tongue in cheek) that if people spent a portion of their time working on their marriage instead of the StairMaster that they would get more health benefits.

Gottman's research is solid and based on research involving thousands of couples. He states with confidence that he can predict whether a couple will divorce by watching and listening to them interact with each other for 5 minutes.

• These aren't couples who don't fight--rather they are couples who are able to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage.

• They aren't couples who don't make mistakes, but they are couples who know how to fix them.

• They aren't couples who don't ever get mad, but they are individuals who can take responsibility for their behavior and work to actively repair the relationship.

• They aren't couples who don't yell at each other, but they are couples who are able to sustain a connection, and continue to give signs of wanting to continue value and continue the relationship.

• Couples with positive marriages are ones where the spouses are good friends with each other, who can extend and receive "repair attempts" which prevent negativity from spiralling out of control.

Gottman says the slide down towards destruction starts with criticism, moves to contempt, progresses to defensiveness and eventually gets to stonewalling.

Marriage counselling doesn't teach communication--men and women come to counselling knowing how to talk. Marriage counselling works at the connection--helping people find ways to reestablish between each other, and to find ways to be able to offer and accept it when the negativity puts people in places where they don't trust the other's intentions as safe and loving.