Topic: Anger

I posted a quote yesterday, and the process of typing it in got me to thinking...

Melanie and I interviewed a wonderful woman this week for a part time administrative position at our office.  We asked her to describe an experience at her current position where she needed to respond to a person who was upset.  Without missing a beat, she began to describe that this is common in her current position of being a coordinator position at a manufacturing plant. She coordinates the dispatching of product as it is being freshly manufactured, fork lift operators who are bringing in supplies and carting out product, and truck drivers who will haul it all over the country. Oh, and there are bosses at the upper level who will let her know what the priorities are, and various other people who also tell her what to consider in doing her job. She spoke of how irate the truck drivers can be, saying something like: “I hear how upset they are, and I respond to them, but I don’t react to them. I try to understand their position. They’re hot and tired, and they have families they are eager to go home to. It’s upsetting when you have to wait for hours because production is behind. However, I don’t react, I just do the best I can with what I’ve got. However, sometimes there are productions issues and there just isn’t any product ready for them to haul away.”

She found a balance between having empathy for a painful situation for another and understanding their position and their reactions, without becoming reactive to it. 

Yesterday’s quote that I posted connected me to this conversation. It reminded me of the difficult balance of being present in this world, hearing what others are saying, noticing how others are reacting, and having all of that matter, without it hijacking the feelings you have, the thoughts you are thinking, and that other’s problems and issues become yours without you deciding how you really feel and want to respond to something. 

• It’s a challenge to listen to the deepest part of ourselves and live out lives in this world out of that inner guidance, rather than being pulled this way and that by people who want a certain reaction from us. 
• It’s a challenge for a person to be yelled at to not become automatically defensive or retort angrily back.
• It’s not easy to not automatically shrivel with anxiety under the glare of a judgemental loved one.
  

When people come at us with strong emotion, it pokes at parts of us that feel accused or inadequate or hurt. And there can be almost a “knee jerk” reaction to being poked like that. Faster than a blink of an eye, there is an inner reaction to protect the poked part:

• Nostrils flare, eyebrows furrow, and the blast of anger shoots out…nobody treats me that way!
• All hands on deck! Talk fast to help the other person feel better. Spring into action to find ways to “get out of the dog house”…to get back into the other’s “good books”.

OR

• RUN! Get out of the firing range, put the other person’s disappointed look far away from your field of vision. Run away from the relationship, run to alcohol, or the computer or…

 

You see where I’m going. Without even realizing it, you have been hijacked by a part of you that seeks to stop you from being hurt by that which feels wounding or shaming or anxiety-creating words and actions. Strings have been pulled and you’ve been yanked this way or that.

It feels pretty yucky. 

And that's putting it politely.

On the other hand, the effects of listening for "the genuine" in yourself is incredible. I use a model called “Internal Family Systems” (IFS), which Dr. Richard Schwartz and his colleagues have developed, which allows people to find “the genuine” in themselves. It facilitates people to gain cooperation from the different parts of themselves with “the genuine” being captain, so to speak, working collaboratively with all of who you are. Then external pulls become tugs to which one can then choose how to respond, rather than strings on a marionette’s hand which are automatic. “The genuine” can speak for the parts, rather than a person speaking out of those reactionary parts.

So, rather than yelling in response to an accusation in a reflexive reaction, a person can say, “There’s a part of me that is feeling quite accused, and it’s feeling angry that you would think and say that about me.” 

Can you see how that changes a conversation? Can you say how that could change a relationship? 

When a person can notice how they are reacting and speak on behalf of that reaction, rather than speak out of the reaction, they begin working on behalf of themselves in ways that collaborate respectfully with others. One can maintain credibility, can keep the other person listening, can advocate for oneself. The need to run, explode, or madly fix in a way that ultimately doesn’t work diminishes, and you stay in charge of your life.

Think about it.

Charlie was charming and funny when he was sober 
but if he had a glass of scotch in his hand you would 
soon hear the story of how his father ripped the pocket 
off a new shirt his sister had given him when 
the dad spotted a pack of cigarettes in it. 

Charlie left town 
and never spoke to his father again. 
But he re-lived that torn pocket with acrimony and tears 
every time he finished a third glass of scotch.

I learned from Charlie 
that bitterness is an acid that eats its container. 
No matter what happens, get over it.

Roy Williams, The Wizard of Ads

Ouch.  this one is harsh.  But there is some truth to it.  It might not be easy..."getting over it" for many certainly is not as simple as saying, "I'm over it".  But to truly work at getting over it, or past it, or resolve it, or releasing it, or unburdening oneself.  Resentment burns.  Badly. It punishes its owner, and there's no justice or righteousness in that. "Getting over it" may take prayer, reading, journalling, talking, processing, rituals, screaming, and who-knows-what-else, but it is worth it, I tell you.  It's worth it.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"

Buddha

Rod Minaker, our resident anger expert was interviewed by Maureen Scurfield for an article published yesterday in the "On 7" version of the Winnipeg Free Press on "Wrath". 

Identified by Scurfield as a "teddy bear of a guy" (a "bang on" understanding of the colleague we respect and enjoy), Rod's take on anger is:

"Wrath is a condition of feeling powerless," says Minaker. "A lot of men cover up their hurt with anger. We need places to be vulnerable, as guys," says Minaker. We also need places for women to be angry because they cover up anger with hurt." And, both sexes with repressed anger problems don't identify the heating anger until it's boiling out of control.
Minaker's sessions show people how to identify that anger at an early stage, and gives them the tools to work with it before it blows sky high. Many people voluntarily go on to do one-on-one counselling to work on their issues.

Rod understands that men and women experience and process anger differently.  He gets that angry feelings are really hard for anybody to talk about...and he is incredible at supporting people to be vulnerable to do that talking.
It is lousy to have that simmering feeling in the belly or in your chest, to feel it rising and feel out of control.  The flushed face, the tension that creates clenched fists or an offset clenched jaw, the raw energy that threatens to explode is tough to feel.  It is even lousier to calm down, and to feel shame at memory of the look in the eyes of your wife or your child, as they cringed in terror at you.  And the shame is hard to feel, which makes it easy to bark once more at them, finding a way to blame another for your behavior--it's tough to face what is really happening. Don't wait until  you are mandated to deal with your anger...look at it now.  Read a book, talk to someone, get a workbook, take a class...whatever it takes to get you feeling like your anger works for you, not against you.  Take a closer look at the whole article.

Let go of the coal.

Rod Minaker just finished another group with people better prepared to deal with issues that stir up anger in their life.

Many of the people that take our Transforming Destructive into Constructive Course have little alternative but to take it as part of dealing with a criminal charge or an employment situation.  With people who "have to be there", I would expect grumbling and dissastisfaction.  Our last class was full, and on our evaluation sheets under the question:  "If the course did not meet your expectations, please explain why" there was only one comment from all of the respondents:  "The course exceeded my expectations.  I came in knowing I would learn and I left learning more." 

It was inspiring to read the comments written by the participants.  One person wrote: "This course is very informative, even if you were not told to go to it, very informative."  They described how the strategies that are reviewed were already proving to be helpful.  Rod is described as "great", and he has great examples, videos to make the material come alive--to be engaging and interesting. 

I will leave the final word to one of the participants:  "I know that I have to reach out and work on myself everyday."  Wise words for us all.

Rosie O'Donnell has admitted her regrets, and learned from them.  We can all learn from them.

The other day, I had a rare opportunity to watch an episode of Oprah.  Oprah was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie had an infamous falling out with the TV talk show, The View, where she had been a regular part of the host team. In particular she and Barbara had a conflict…I was interested in this because I had listened to a recording of Barbara Walters autobiography last summer.

A portion of the discussion is found here (sorry, I can’t seem to embed the video, so you need to go to Oprah’s website)

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Rosie-ODonnells-Feud-with-Barbara-Walters-Video

I thought it was really insightful of Rosie when she said: “Yes, I do, I do regret that moment…I was demanding from her an emotional connection with her that I don’t think she was capable or willing to give me, and that maybe I had no right to ask for.”

If we are honest with ourselves in quiet stillness (when/if we allow ourselves to “go there”), there are times when our reactions to people have a deeper element. The powerful surface emotions  are expressed for reasons which are buried and significant--there but almost out-of-consciou-reach.

In my opinion, the most important part of the conversation happened immediately after this video clip, which happened like this:

Oprah: The point is: You thought she should have come to your defence. You were hurt.

Rosie: I was hurt….At that moment, if I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, “you really hurt my feelings”.

Oprah: That is so interesting, that you would say, “If I had been braver I would have just cried.” Because often times crying is perceived as the weak thing to do. Why do you say braver?

Rosie: Because then you’re vulnerable. Because the authentic feelings I had was pain and hurt and rejection.

Oprah: And instead you stood up and [were angry]

Rosie: Of course, because that’s the armour I put on as a child. I had no mother and I had to take care of family, and so I got that armour.

It’s powerful when a person is able to see that anger is a reaction to the internal pain. Expressing the anger is easier than vulnerably and transparently letting the other know of the hurt and sadness.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I like the approach that Rod Minaker uses in our “Transforming Destructive into Constructive” anger management course. He recognizes that often the anger is a secondary reaction to a primary pain. Often a person doesn’t understand the primary pain—just the anger is felt.  The anger feels out of control--rather like Rosie's anger.  She asked people to get away when she stood up...because then "the rage is too big for my body.  I have to move to readjust the rage and the pressure of the past".

Rosie’s pain looked like it was caused by Barbara’s lack of support. During the rest of the show, Rosie let us know that some time away from the public eye allowed for some self-exploration. She lets us know that she knows now she has learned that she was looking for something in Barbara that she had missed when her mother died when she was only 10. The primary wounding was loss of mother, and Barbara’s lack of response to Rosie over her vacation hurt that already injured part of Rosie’s soul deeply—because the original wound was so profoundly painful.

In our TDC program, Rod teaches many of the conventional strategies to manage rage that threatens to be uncontrollable…and then there is the “added plus” that he respectfully and carefully includes. He recognizes that there must be important internal [and largely unconscious] reasons that the anger that has gotten out of hand. He has an amazing way of helping members of the group explore this in a way that has people leaving feeling empowered and excited about relating to their angry parts in a different way. To know that your angry part is covering up a hurt part gives an important strategy for handling anger. Suddenly, it’s not about stifling the anger with tips and techniques. It’s about dissipating the need for the anger by understanding what’s underneath—with courage to vulnerably examine what the anger is protecting. A vulnerable bravery.

What is the amazing thing about how Rod facilitates this is, that he “gets” that exploring the underlying layer under the very visible and explosive anger requires vulnerability, which is scary for most, and particularly so for those who have spend years covering it up with anger. He carefully allows people to approach it in a safe way, not pushing or expecting people to do more than they feel comfortable.

Rosie has begun to see herself differently since she has done some of that inner work. She is defining herself differently, and the interview with Oprah is evidence itself that she is able, in a grounded and centered way, speak of her own growth that allows her to experience anger and pain in a way that feels more authentic to who she really is.

Angry people look intimidating.  Powerful.

But they may have not yet gathered up the courage to be vulnerable to explore the hidden corners of their soul to see what is underneath the anger.

If others have told you that the way you express your anger is out of context for the situation (or if they think they might tell you that, but are way too intimidated to give you candid feedback), dare to consider exploring what your anger might really be about.

Rod Minaker and our intern, Yok Knight, spent two Thursday evenings recently with 9 people who were willing to spend some time with others exploring their responsibility in the expression of anger. They did this at our Transforming Destructive into Constructive (TDC) Course.

A lot of people have to come:

The judge says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (the blank is filled in, in any number of ways).

The employer says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (usually that one has something to do with remaining an employee").

The girlfriend says, "Go, get anger management or ____" (this one--well, by the time it gets to this, the relationship is hanging on by a thread).

There are a few that recognize that they're angrier more often than they'd like to be, and experiencing and processing anger more effectively is something that sounds appealing and so they choose to come.

We have a feedback questionnaire that we ask people to complete anonymously after the completion of the course.  The feedback we get is overwhelmingly positive.  That is particularly gratifying for me to see when I know that significant numbers didn't originally sign up by their own choice.
The comments fell in 3 categories:

1. appreciation for learning content:  how to recognize anger, how to keep anger within productive limits, how to calm oneself so as not to explode, how to make wise decisions so as to harness anger to work FOR you, rather than AGAINST you
2. enjoying the group experience.  While many imagine being in a group with others who are addressing their own anger about as appealing as sitting on a hill of fire ants, several people gave us feedback that learning from other people, feeling "as though I was not alone in the way I was feeling after talking with the group", and feeling like they were able to help each other learned was labelled by several as the very best thing about the group. What people often fear the most about this group turns out to be the best part.
   
3. the appeal of Rod.  Rod is a great guy to talk with about anger.  He's vulnerable and transparent with his own experience of anger--and he's human, so he knows all about the experience and expression of anger--he doesn't talk TO participants, he discusses the material WITH participants.  He's been doing it for years...he's got interesting stories, amusing anecdotes, and is great at generating discussion.

The course only lasts 2 evenings...but our clients feel like they've learned skills they can use long term.  Some of them go home thinking they want their partner to come and learn what they've learned...it's exciting to think about using the same language for something that you haven't been able to put words to. It's a relief to think that each person in a couple has an understanding of how to harness anger and make it productive and constructive. 

No one really likes watching themselves spew venom out at people they care about, risk a job they love and pays the bills.  It's lousy to feel powerless as your are slamming doors, kicking tires (or worse), even as a part of you watches what is happening and thinks, "What the heck am I screwing it up like this for?"

Slow it down.  Spend some time working on this.  Don't sabotage your relationship with your spouse, your kids, your job...the things that are important to you.

It's not about not being angry.  It's about being aware what you are really angry about, and deciding how you really want to handle it in a way that you will be better for it. 

What are you waiting for?

Do something--take the course, read a book, talk to someone.  But don't let your anger destroy you and the things and people that are important to you. Life is too precious to destroy it with anger.

Anger Management is a cultural cliche in our society, where suggesting it is a way of chiding a person and often, hearing someone has taken it is the source of a joke. Hollywood has had all sorts of fun with "Anger Managment" in various ways.

TDC is our anger management program. We've been running it for just over a year now--two Friday afternoons of three hours for a total of 6 hours. Rod Minaker is a therapist that has developed our program based on a well established understanding of what a person benefits from exploring as part of managing anger more effectively.

Rod just recently finished a session of anger management. When asked on the feedback forms, "How would you describe this course to a friend?" the answers were:

"Life changing. Amazing. My own little secret"
"Would advise them to experience it!"
"Very useful, Related to everything"

There is something quite wonderful about working with people who facilitate growth in people to allow them to have reactions like that. Thanx, Rod.

There is something quite wonderful knowing that in even 6 hours, people can learn about themselves, feeling able to "control my feelings before it escalates", "believe in myself", "like myself", find ways of "letting things go", "moving foward" . Thanx, clients, for taking a chance and allowing TDC to affect your soul in ways that can help you grow. We appreciate the honor of walking alongside you.